40 reasons why your relationship is not working and how to fix it

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40 Reasons Why Your Relationship is Not Working
and How to fix it

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• By
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• Hephzibah Asaolu
• www.relationshipmatters101.com

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• Its so easy for us to give up faith in
  relationships. Many of us have thought about
  quitting several times. People will tell you,
  When you fall off a horse, you have to get back
  on. Thats provided you havent concluded that
  you dont even want to be on that damn horse.
  Relationships can be like horses. Some people
  think theyre beautiful, remarkable, strong and
  elegant creatures. Others think theyre stinky,
  stupid, wild and really not all that important to
  their lives. Theres many ways to view
  relationships the key is that weve all got to
  find ourselves in self-examination when
  relationships fail or dont work out. Yes, there
  are many times when it wasnt our fault, it was
  their fault. However, there are times that
  regardless of whos fault, its time to examine
  why it isnt working out.

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• 1. You dont know when to shut up  There comes a
  point where making your point becomes harmful.
  There are times when your sentence could end and
  be just as powerful, but is ruined because of a
  motor mouth.
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• 2. You tell everybody your damn business  Your
  friends are your support system, but they are a
  gift and a curse. They can be there for you when
  youre hurt, but they can also pacify you when
  you need to teethe.
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• 3. You refuse to accept that youll need to make
  some changes in your life  Im not going to
  change for anybody is always the extreme of not
  knowing what How can I be better? really means.
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• 4. You expect others to put up with your
  problems  You should accept me flaws and all
  is only half true. Ive always said, I accept
  that you have problems, but that doesnt mean
  Ill make them my own.
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• 5. Youre inconsistent  You say you know what
  you want, you say you know what you dont want,
  but you allow the two to mix sometimes. You cant
  profess that youre ready to settle down at one
  point and then shout YOLO! at the next.
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• 6. Youre not ugly, just unattractive  Too often
  people confuse looks with attraction. I know
  plenty of beautiful women who are not attractive.
  It may be personality traits, or they have only
  heavily relied on their looks and havent focused
  on their entire being to become completely whole.

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• 7. Youre too judgmental  Your perfect ten is
  probably not the person you envision them to be
  when you jot it down on paper. You also cant
  expect them to come off-the-shelf like that too.
  Youre knocking down potential and people who may
  meet your 80, just because you find minor flaws.
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• 8. Your network is not helpful  You are the
  company you keep. You have to have positive
  reinforcements in your life. It doesnt mean that
  you have to have married friends, or friends with
  children. It means you have to have a positive
  network that is beautiful, instead of looking
  like a war zone of love.
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• 9. You havent learned to let go  Acceptance is
  a part of life that we always struggle with. We
  have to learn that well have to accept things in
  our past and leave them there. We hold onto
  things because we think that if we let them go
  its like were saying its okay. Were not,
  were accepting it and allow ourselves to move
  past it.

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• 10. Youve got too much pride  Pride will stand
  in your way. It will make you quit a relationship
  because you feel slighted at a certain point,
  rather than doubling down and making it work.
  When you start concerning yourself with how you
  look to others instead of how you feel on the
  inside, you lose.
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• 11. You want what you deserve, but dont want to
  earn it  Everybody thinks they deserve the
  world. Everybody thinks theyre awesome
  individuals. Then they make everyone pass all
  these tests before theyll prove it. The world
  wasnt made in a day you have to put in the
  necessary work too.
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• 12. Your past becomes baggage instead of lessons
  learned  Everything that happens in our life,
  happens for a reason. At times, we acknowledge
  that something happened, but dont understand the
  reasons and lessons we can learn. It becomes a
  story that ends with the occurrence and not what
  came of that experience.

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• 13. You digest entirely too much trash instead of
  daily bread  Whether it is too much reality TV
  or trash on the radio, learn to balance when you
  digest. Everything in moderation, but honest
  moderation. You cant possibly know all the
  characters on each reality show, but cant tell
  me one great book (heck, author of an article)
  that was written in the last year youve read.
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• 14. You make poor investments  Were all guilty
  of investing our time and effort into things we
  know wont bring us any closer to happiness. We
  tell ourselves, just this last time but we know
  its a guilty pleasure. We also put time and
  effort into investments that havent yielded any
  results in some time learn to walk away and
  stop making those in the future.
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• 15. You allow yourself to be enabled  This one
  is huge we become guilty of enablement. We say
  that Ill land on my feet, Theres plenty to
  choose from, or we tout off how many degrees or
  how much wealth we have as reasons why we dont
  have to make changes. Or, we make mistakes
  because we know there arent consequences, or
  dont believe there are consequences. Dont allow
  yourself to be enabled, always challenge yourself
  to do good despite of whether youre held
  accountable for it or not.
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• 16. You don't Align your basic values and
  goals The first thing you do is to sit down with
  your partner and find out what your basic values
  and goals are, and the direction you both want
  the relationship to go. Know whether the
  relationship CAN work, here you both have to be
  frank about your differences and values, what you
  can and cannot compromise about. Make these
  decisions HERE before you end up with the wrong
  person.

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• 17. Disrespectful communication this is very
  crucial in creating a trusting relationship and
  without it the relationship devolves into a
  battlefield. Communication isnt a one way street
  so it has to flow both ways. Respectful
  communication involves the art of listening. You
  could talk to your partner all day long, but if
  he doesnt LISTEN to you then all the words are
  meaningless. The art of listening is probably
  even more important than talking. Someone said
  the reason why God gave us one mouth and two
  ears is to talk less and listen more.
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• 18. You Lack affection affection is the bond in
  relationships. It is the expression of care. It
  symbolizes protection, security, comfort. When
  you show affection to your partner you are
  telling him or her you are important to me. I
  will care for you and protect you always. All
  humans respond deeply to intimacy touch,
  affection, kindness, and tone of voice. Non
  verbal form of communication impacts the
  relationship greatly. A simple hug can say those
  things.

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• 19. You are not Appreciating your partner this
  is important yet many of us dont know how to do
  it. Most of us feel so uncomfortable saying why
  and how much we care for each other. We assume
  our partners know or should know how much we
  appreciate them and the things they do. Its
  important you never assume your partner knows
  anything about what your feelings are. Simple
  appreciative words like Thank you for the food,
  thank you for being there, thank you for
  helping out, thank you for working so hard for
  usthese little words and moments of gratitude
  can greatly inspire each other to make the
  relationship grow. Try it.
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• 20. You are not giving your relationship Quality
  time Seeing your partner everyday doesnt mean
  you both are spending quality time together. You
  have to find out what your partner enjoys doing
  with you and share that moment together with him
  or her, the point is not on what you are doing,
  but why you are doing it. Dr Gary Chapman in his
  book, The Five Love Languages says quality time
  means undivided attention. This means you have to
  have a presence of mind when you are with your
  partner, not just sitting together and all you do
  is focusing on the television when your partner
  really wants to have a nice conversation with
  you. If you love somebody you will do anything
  and everything to spend time with them that is
  meaningful.

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• 21. You don't Compromise a successful
  relationship requires compromise from both of
  you. You will have to adjust to each other,
  making time and taking in different viewpoints.
  Lack of compromise is a very selfish thing to do.
  You mustnt have it your way all the time.
  Sometimes letting go is the most mature skill
  no couple agrees on all points.
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• 22. You don't give God chance to build your
  relationship If your relationship is not rooted
  in God, you will have trouble making it work,
  because nothing you do would seem enough. It is
  The LORD that blesses your efforts, and gives you
  the wisdom to act in a certain way. The bible
  says GOD is love, so when He comes in,
  automatically love sets in.
• 23. You never talk about the future 
• Its great to live in the moment, but if you
  dont make plans for what's next, your
  relationship could end up being short-term.
  Making future plans is a healthy ingredient for
  a growing relationship, says Amy Levine, sex
  coach and founder of Ignite Your Pleasure. Its
  also an indicator of the commitment you have to
  each other.

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• Hes told you that hes not the marrying kind 
• This seem like an obvious barrier to a serious
  relationship, but many women ignore it when men
  say this, thinking they can change him. It's time
  to start taking him at face value. Men
  repeatedly tell women they are simple beings,
  says Levine. If he shows you or tells you who he
  is, then believe him. It will save you a ton of
  time and energy. Wake up! Youre Mrs. Right Now,
  not the future Mrs. insert his last name here.
• 25. Youre keeping other guys on the back burner
• Dont expect a commitment until you take the
  plunge and jump in with both feet! Having other
  men in the periphery is often an indication that
  you know the main guy isnt the best match for
  you, says Levine. Or that youre scared to take
  the leap of faith into intimacy.
• 26. You have nothing in common except sex
• If all you have in common is what happens between
  the sheets it may be hard to achieve the level of
  intimacy you really desire. Sex is good and
  advisable in the confines of marriage.

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• 27. You live together
• If youre already doing all the stuff that goes
  with married life without the formal commitment,
  there may be no motivation to move things to the
  next level. The old saying why buy the cow when
  you can get the milk for free?. Thinking of
  women as cows is degrading, but the overall
  meaning makes sense. Men are more likely to hold
  off from moving a relationship forward when
  theyre content and already getting what they
  want.
• 28. His parents are divorced
• Sometimes parents can give us a negative idea of
  what marriage is or instill a lack of trust in us
  through their actions. Our relationship role
  models are often our blueprint. It may be all he
  knows. If your man feels this way, its important
  to talk through his issues and help him
  understand that your relationship is something
  totally different.

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• 29. None of his friends are married
• If his pals arent in serious relationships, he
  may be less motivated to take the leap. If his
  friends all have a bachelor mentality, there is a
  good chance it can rub off on him, too. Who we
  surround ourselves with often explains our
  behaviors.
• 30. Youre both acting like youre single 
• Even though youre coupled youre still staying
  out til all hours, hanging out with friends more
  than each. If you want a more serious
  relationship, you both need to approach the
  relationship with an us instead of me
  mentality. If youre enjoying other peoples
  company in groups more than the two of you being
  alone, youre likely not content with what you
  have together.

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• 31. You havent made your desires clear
• If he doesnt know how you really feel, he may
  not understand that moving things forward is
  important to you. So tell him! You should always
  make what you want clear from the very beginning.
  You dont want to waste your time and not be true
  to yourself. You shouldnt stay with a man if
  youre afraid of telling him what you need and
  want.
• 32. You keep things casual
• Because youre afraid of scaring him off, youve
  given him the idea that you could take him or
  leave him. This relationship will go nowhere fast
  until you come clean. Being scared means that you
  are now giving that person too much credit and
  power that he doesnt deserve. You have to lead
  with your true self from the very beginning and
  if he doesnt like you for who you are, then tell
  them to go 'to the left!

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• 33. Youre settling 
• You know hes not the one, but youre keeping him
  around as a backup plan. But this is one plan
  that will never lead to a happy ending. This is
  an act of desperation that will only lead to
  depression. You are now setting yourself up to
  fail. I would rather be home with a green mask on
  my face than with a partner I had no chemistry
  with or desire to be with in life.
• 34. Youve skipped over traditional 'steps'
• If youve missed important milestones such as
  calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend or saying
  I love you, then you may be way off the path
  toward the next level of your relationship. Start
  making up for lost time now -- even if it means
  going on your first date again! There are many
  reasons couples skip over the traditional steps.
  Maybe you're in a long distance relationship, or
  you got off to a whirlwind start and threw
  caution to the wind. In any case, missing these
  'checkpoints' means you both lose the chance to
  assess the relationship and look at your
  partnership in a more serious light. Anything
  that happens too fast, ends just as fast, says
  Flicker.

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• 35. You havent traveled together 
• Traveling together forces you to navigate new
  territory and experience exciting and unfamiliar
  situations as a couple. It can be an essential
  step in really getting to know your partner.
  Traveling is the best form of therapy and when
  you travel with a partner you learn a lot about
  that persons habits and character. Then you can
  make a decision on whether or not you can live
  with that persons habits. So get up and go
  somewhere -- exotic destination not required.
• 36. You dont have your own life 
• If youre always waiting around for him, he has
  no incentive to get more serious. You dont need
  to make him feel like he could lose you, but make
  sure he knows you have a life. You are a needy
  and that is a complete turnoff. A man loves
  confidence and a woman who is confident is a busy
  body always planning, attending and living life.
  If you are not confident then act as if because
  at least that is more attractive than being
  available and needy!

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• 37. Your relationship exists online 
• Its fine to meet your partner online, but if you
  dont take the next step and meet in real life,
  taking another step forward will be even more
  unlikely to happen. Get out of your room, log off
  your computer and step outside -- theres a whole
  world out there!. Meet real people and actually
  face them. Look into someones eyes and smile at
  him instead of at your computer screen.
• 38. You havent brought him into your world 
• If youve shied away from introducing him to
  friends and family (or he hasnt brought you
  around to his) you probably won't be a part of
  each others futures. If you partner has not
  introduced you to his family and you have been
  dating for over 6 months, something is wrong.
  Hes not sure about the relationship and this
  would be the time to say 'take the L outta lover
  -- it's over!'"

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• 39. You avoid fights
• If you never express your true feelings or
  discuss real issues, your relationship will
  forever be on that polite plane usually reserved
  for acquaintances. Fighting is essential and
  healthy in any relationship, says Flicker. If you
  are not fighting then you are not loving. Stop
  living in a glass bubble and actually feel some
  emotions because in the end it will only bring
  you both closer together. And if it doesnt, then
  it was not meant to be!
• 40. Hes not financially stable
• If a man doesnt have his act together it can be
  hard for you to commit to him or for him to feel
  comfortable bringing your deeper into his life.
  Have a frank discussion with yourself (and with
  him) to decide if youre in it for the long haul.
  If he is not financially stable, it is going to
  be tough, but love conquers all, and no one
  promised us that life was going to be easy. All
  one needs is ambition, drive and determination.
  Money will follow. How much money? Ask the man
  above!

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• How to Fix your dating relationship
• Above are forty reasons why your relationship is
  not working. Im not sure that you can solve
  these flaws overnight. Thats okay, not too many
  things work that way. Most times, it takes hard
  work and a concerted effort to reconcile and fix
  these. The first step is to tell yourself that
  you have a flaw or an opportunity for
  improvement. Can you be in a relationship and
  work on yourself? Absolutely, but only to the
  extent that it doesnt become a burden on the
  person youre dating. Secondly, you need to
  assess your relationship and be ready to fix it. 

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