Assertiveness

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Assertiveness

• Dr Ian Harris

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Learning Outcomes

• What is Assertiveness
• Recognising Behaviours
• Why should you be more assertive
• Understanding Beliefs, Rights and
  Responsibilities
• How to be more assertive

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Agenda/Contents

• Assertiveness an Introduction
• Rights, Responsibilities, and Beliefs
• Assertiveness Skills
• Starting to be more Assertive

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Ice-Breaker

• What do you want to get out of today? Use the
  sheets on the table to outline your expectations
  of the day you have five minutes

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Introductory Scenario
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What is Assertiveness

• Consider what Assertiveness is come up with a
  definition of what you think assertiveness is
• Confident and direct in dealing with others
• Collins Concise English Dictionary
• Assertiveness is upholding ones own integrity
  and dignity whilst at the same time encouraging
  and recognising this behaviour in others

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Three Human Behaviour Types

• Flight Non Assertive
• Fight Aggression
• Assertiveness Considered response to
  difficult situations

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Recognising Behaviours

• Non Assertive
• Assertive and
• Aggressive
• Time for a quick exercise

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Group Activity

• With Whom can you be assertive?
• In your group come up with a list of when you can
  be assertive and with who
• When can you be assertive?

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A key to assertiveness

• Using assertiveness we balance the needs of
  others with our own needs
• We empathise

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How do people come to be non-assertive

• Fear of unpleasant consequences from assertion
• Perceiving situations or other people as
  threatening
• Failing to accept your assertive right
• Failing to think rationally about yourself
• Confusing assertion and aggression
• Failing to develop assertive skills
• Equating non-assertion with politeness
• Confusing non-assertion with helpfulness

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Our Reason's for Non-Assertive Behaviour

• Fear of Upsetting Others
• Fear of Rejection
• Feeling Responsible for the other person
• Self Defeating Mind-Games
• Generalising, Doomsdaying, Labelling, Mind
  Reading, Filtering, Personalising
• The Tyranny circle of musts
• The prison bars of inappropriate obligation

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Non-Assertive Behaviour (cont.)

• Self-Talk Failure and Success Circles
• The Tyranny of Inner Voices
• Dont make a fuss now come up with some of
  your own

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Aggressive Behaviour

• Define an aggressive person
• Aggressive people know what they want and like
  and usually get it, in their minds they are
  superior
• Normally, developed young, identified that
  aggressive behaviour got them what they wanted

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How do people become aggressive

• They perceive situations or other people as
  threatening
• Believing that aggression is the best approach
• Earlier Non-assertion
• Over-reaction because of a previous experience
• Failing to think rationally about yourself
• Failing to develop Assertive skills

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But dont you have to be aggressive to get to the
top?

• Senior people behave aggressively dont they?
• Perhaps they do assert themselves, sometimes
  blatantly, especially in meetings when objectives
  have not been met
• Often success is attributed (wrongly) to
  aggression but is success and aggression
  correlatable
• So, yes Senior Managers can behave aggressively,
  but they rarely behave aggressively for long and
  they rarely bully

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So Why be more Assertive

• Setting the expectations of an irate customer or
  supplier
• Conveying bad news to senior management
• Carrying out an appraisal with a member of staff
  that is not positive
• Chasing people who have not done a required piece
  of work for you

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Assertive Behaviour

• So what can an assertive person do..?
• Psychological Advantages
• The Liberation of Inner Voices
• The Liberation Circle
• Affirmations

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Rights, Responsibilities, and Beliefs
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Rights and Responsibilities

• Spend five minutes, as individuals, pairs or
  groups
• Identify some basic human rights
• Be treated with respect
• To express opinions
• To say no
• To ask for what you want
• To make mistakes
• Change their mind
• Get what they pay for

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Responsibilities

• Being accountable for ones actions and decisions
• We must treat other people as we expect to be
  treated ourselves
• You must therefore respect the rights of others
  to say no to your request and if you say no
  to someone elses request you are responsible for
  managing that impact on the relationship

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Corresponding Responsibilities

• Rights
• I have the right to
• Be treated with respect
• Express opinions and feelings
• Set my own goals
• Refuse a request or say no
• Ask for what I want

• Responsibilities
• Consequently my responsibilitys are
• Respect the rights of others
• Welcome the opinions and feelings of others
• Help others set goals
• Encourage others to use their time in the way
  that they want
• Encourage others to fulfil their needs

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Rights and Responsibilities at Work

• Statutory Employee Rights
• Organisational Employee Rights
• Personal Employee Rights
• Responsibilities at work

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Beliefs

• Beliefs define your ability to determine your
  rights
• Beliefs are what you hold true
• You should not be cheeky to your elders
• You should not borrow more than you can afford to
  pay back
• We feel emotionally certain about these, even if
  on close questioning we dont understand why we
  feel that way

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How do beliefs affect behaviour
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Barrier Beliefs

• Barrier Beliefs act as a barrier to stop you
  acting assertively
• There are some aggressive and non-assertive
  barrier beliefs

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Assertive Beliefs

• I am responsible for what happens to me
• I am in control, I can choose how to behave
• I can change
• I can initiate actions and achieve results
• I can learn from feedback
• I believe assertiveness does work

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But how can you modify Beliefs

• Know what your barrier beliefs are
• At school you were called thick by your teacher
  for asking questions, on reflection now you
  realise that asking questions is essential,
  however, you still suffer from feeling un
  confident for asking questions
• Contrast the belief with the knowledge you now
  have
• Know what other people believe
• Look for instances that disprove the belief
• Acting as if you held a different belief

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Assertiveness Skills

• Practicing Skills

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Contents

• What you say, and how you say it
• Starting to be more assertive
• Making Requests
• How to give assertive instructions
• Negotiating Assertively
• Negotiating an excessive workload
• How to disagree
• Giving Praise and Feedback
• Receiving Praise and Feedback
• Giving Bad News
• Handling Aggression

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Verbal and Non Verbal clues to Assertiveness

• What you say
• The way you say itand
• Your body language all influence your
  assertiveness
• Which do you think influences assertiveness most?
• Body Language must be reinforcing the message!

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What you say verbal aspects of behaviour

• What you say influences perception
• The way you say it influences perception
• How you act/behave (non-verbally) influences
  perception

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Non Assertive Body Language
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Non Assertive Body Language

• Posture
• Bent, Slumped, Crooked
• Facial Expression
• Blank, Half Smiling, Uninterested, Afraid
• Eyes
• Looking Down, Minimum Eye Contact
• Speech and Voice
• Quiet, Slow, Weak, Quick (when afraid)
• Gestures
• Restless, Nodding Head, Pinching Flesh, Wringing
  hands

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Aggressive Body Language
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Aggressive Body Language

• Posture
• Rigid, Tight Fists, Clenched Teeth
• Facial Expression
• Tight Jaw, Glancing, Frowning, Eyes Squinting,
  Tense
• Eyes
• Staring, Bulging, Glazed over
• Speech and Voice
• Fast, Loud, Clipped, High Pitched, Demanding,
  Opinionated
• Gestures
• Pointing, Finger wagging, Finger stabbing,
  Invading personal space, Tense

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Assertive Body Language
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Assertive Body Language

• Posture
• Upright, Relaxed, Open
• Facial Expression
• Committed, Concerned, Interested, Responsive
• Eyes
• High Eye contact
• Speech and Voice
• Direct, Relaxed, Friendly, Well Moderated, Not
  Strained
• Gestures
• Open, Hands not raised above elbow, Parallel
  Shoulders

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Exercise Time

• Voice
• Speech Pattern
• Facial Expression
• Eye Contact
• Body Movements
• A quick summary

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Lets check out some video taken earlier
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Starting to be more assertive
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• Starting to be more assertive
• Making Requests
• How to give assertive instructions
• Negotiating Assertively
• Negotiating an excessive workload
• How to disagree
• Giving and Receiving Criticism
• Giving and Receiving Praise and Feedback
• Giving Bad News
• Handling Aggression

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Making Requests

• Have you ever found it difficult to make requests
  of others?
• How do beliefs affect your ability to make
  requests
• Or you may think aggressively
• Dont forget there are personal and professional
  requests!

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How to make requests

• Dont apologise profusely
• Be Direct
• Keep it short
• Give a reason for your request
• Dont sell your request
• Dont play with friendship
• Dont take a refusal personally

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How to give more assertive instructions

• Management is about asking people for what you
  want
• But were you taught as a child that asking for
  things is rude?
• We make excuses and play games
• A model for assertive instructions
• Mary will you complete that report before you go
  home tonight so that I can have it for the
  Management Meeting first thing tomorrow Thank you

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Negotiating Assertively

• Can you say no if someone employs you?
• Ideally, rather than say no two assertive
  people would fabricate a win/win scenario
• Whats the difference between a win/win and a
  compromise
• Practice at developing Win/Win will lead to more
  win/win outcomes its self replicating

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The principals behind assertive negotiation

• Clarify the other persons needs
• Consider what might happen if you have been asked
  by your team presenter to present the report via
  power point the following day. The slides are
  all completed he says, you just need to deliver
  the content what questions might you ask?

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• State your position positively
• Show recognition of the other persons needs
• Subtly state that you are looking for a win/win
• Can we find a way to make this work for both of
  us?
• Id like to agree with you an approach that we
  are both happy with
• State your own needs
• I do want to help on the project, however
• If they are your boss state that you respect
  their right to make the final decision
• Sound and look positive

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What about Hassles?

• Roadblocks kills negotiation keep the traffic
  flowing even if they are coming up with crass
  reasons to de-rail
• E.g. Nobody else has complained
• Response I accept no one else has complained,
  nonetheless it is a problem for me
• Ive always helped you out
• Response - Yes you have and I want you to help me
  on this one. However, we need to look for
  another way of doing it

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Negotiating Excessive Workloads

• Are excessive workloads a sign of the new
  economy?
• Can you really negotiate on workloads I mean
  Im contracted to deliver my responsibilities
• I am weak
• I ought to be able to handle this pressure
• If I complain, theyll only think that I cannot
  cope
• Im only doing the same hours as everyone else
• Ive done it for the last 6 months, why am I
  complaining now
• BUT, you have a home/life balance you need to
  maintain

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Two approaches may be taken

• Firstly, Negotiate the next time it becomes an
  issue
• Secondly, raise it as a distinct issue
• Before you do either
• Clarify and practice what you are aiming for,
  ideally a win-win
• Check that you have a sound inner dialogue ready

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Negotiating the next time it happens

• Key here is to state your position positively
  within the first 10 seconds
• What are the options
• There are other resources are they used in the
  same way?
• Explore different ways of getting the work done
• Explore your workload and precisely why you
  cannot do the extra work
• Basically, over a period of time you will chip
  away at the problem, this may or may not work
  if it does not work then

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Raising your workload as a distinct issue

• Advantages can get action quicker, Disadvantage
  can create an over-reaction on the other side
• Raise the issue in the appropriate time, dont
  bail when you been asked to do just a few extra
  jobs (but dont leave it too long either)
• Know what is acceptable to you work/life balance
• Note what your workload has been over a period of
  weeks/months
• Reasonable, Excessive, Too Long are good words to
  use
• But what about contract rights being expected to
  work the hours required by the job
• Does that not forfeit your right to negotiate
  workload?

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• Split into pairs. Each pair choose two of the
  following Hassles and create a response to it
  you will be asked to present these
• Thats the nature of the job
• You knew this was not a 9-5 job when you took it
  on
• Thats what we pay you for
• No one else has complained
• Its the same for all of us
• So you are saying that you cannot handle the
  job

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(No Transcript)
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A model to answer such Hassles

• Acknowledge the Hassle
• Explicitly recognise your Managers Issues
• State what you would like to happen
• Stress that you are looking to explore
  alternatives
• Focus on benefit outcomes
• Look for win/win

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How to disagree

• The disagreement process is very similar to the
  Dealing with Hassles Model
• The Affirmative Statement
• The Softening Statement
• Indicate the coming Process
• State Reasons
• Disagree
• Compromise

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An example of a disagreement process

• You cant have an increase in salary
• Affirmative Yes I know it must be difficult
• Softening I know that business has not been
  good these past few months
• Indicate But my position is this
• State I was promised a raise within 3 months of
  starting and that was deferred. I have now been
  here 12 months, and besides doing good work, you
  have increased my responsibilities considerably
• Disagree So its important that I get the pay
  rise that is due to me, thank you

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Getting and Giving Critical Feedback
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Handling Criticism

• Dont lose sight that criticism can be both
  positive and negative,
• But how do you decide which is which, and how do
  you respond?
• Remember that criticism is feedback about your
  behaviour
• Verify that the behaviour being criticised is not
  unfounded does it have a basis
• Dont let the criticism, expand
• Criticism should be thought through, not fought
  through
• If the criticism is not specific then it has no
  value

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Responding to Criticism

• Accept that criticism is going to happen
• Being assertive is a good response to criticism
• Dont think that you have to personally react to
  all criticism you may not need to change
• What do you think an aggressive person does when
  criticised
• Being assertive in a large measure is about
  removing emotion from any responses keep it
  rational
• Criticism does not affect their dignity or
  integrity

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Giving and Receiving Praise and Feedback
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Giving Praise

• Beliefs can stop us giving praise
• What might stop you from giving praise?
• How have you felt when youve given praise?
• So how would these beliefs and feelings affect
  your ability to give praise?
• So how can you give praise?

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Receiving Praise

• How do you feel when you are receiving praise?
  What if you dont know the person who is praising
  you?
• If you dont accept praise, you are punishing the
  giver and if you never accept praise the whole
  environment will suffer as all you will be
  reacting to is criticism (ouch)
• So, how do you receive praise?
• The benefits of receiving positive feedback...

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Giving Bad News
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How do you manage other peoples expectations

• How would you tell a colleague that the report
  you had promised to her would not be ready until
  2 days after the deadline
• How would you tell a member of your staff that
  they were not going to get a regarding
• Company policy has changed and they can no-longer
  subsidise the staff canteen
• So how can give you give bad news assertively

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Some hints

• Take the initiative
• Give the specific bad news
• Indicate any specific implications
• Agree to listen to suggestions for overcoming the
  issues
• And dont hide behind the organisation or a
  higher level managerown the news
• But what about if you disagree with the bad news

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Handling Aggression from Others
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• Think about an aggressive encounter you have
  hadhow did it make you feel
• Think about a time when you did not handle an
  aggressive attack well
• What did you do
• What should you have done
• Would anyone like to share this experience with
  us?

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• Normally we can
• Respond with aggression
• You may have apologised
• You may have gone on the defensive
• People normally respond like this when they are
  not in control of their inner dialogue and
  feelings
• Aggression can be easily categorised into
• Personal Attacks
• Lower level
• Patronising, blaming, sarcasm

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• Sometimes your perception of someone shouting at
  you might be
• Them being angry with themselves but not being
  able to deal with it that way
• Them being angry with someone else, whom they
  dont feel they can express their anger at

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So how do you handle aggression

• Ideally by directing it towards an
  assertive-assertive dialogue
• To do this you must defuse the aggression of the
  other person/persons
• By understanding your inner dialogues
• And using a model similar to the following

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A conceptual Model
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Some high level points

• You may or may not go through the various levels
• Sometimes stage one will suffice, other times you
  will want to cut the communication pdq!
• If aggression is curtailed do not go through the
  other stepsthey are unnecessary

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Exercise

• See Modelforhandlingaggression.doc

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Everyday Put-Downs

• What does
• Havent you finished that report yet? Really mean
• I think you are taking too long over that report
• What might you do if someone said Havent you
  finished that report yet! to you?
• Aggressive Response some clever retort
• NonAss Response ignore (even if you are
  irritated)
• What would be an assertive response to that..?

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Put-Down Categories
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Put Down Responses
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Practice makes Perfect

• Dealing with put-downs or aggression often occurs
  on the spur of the moment. To ensure you have
  the right responses ready you will need to
  practice your responses
• With a colleague
• In the Mirror
• At home with your partner?

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Prerequisites

• Video Camera
• Nobo Boards