The Art of Midlife: Myths

1
The Art of Midlife Myths New Realities

• Nancy McCaughey
• Hudson Institute Coaching Certification
• June 2003

2
Why Midlife?

• My specialization
• The original idea
• Turning 50
• More questions than answers

3
Previous Paradigms

• Contemporary concepts of adult development date
  from 50 years ago
• Jung - 40 the turning point to old age
• Erickson - developmental tasks
• Levinson - development by decades

4
Realities of Midlife in the 21st Century

• Three reasons why midlife is not what it used to
  be
• Permanent Whitewater
• Longer life expectancy
• By 2004, 76 million Baby Boomers will be 40

5
Who Would I Ask?

• Anyone between 38-65
• Self-defined in midlife
• Sources
• Final group 20 women 3 men
• Eight in 40s
• Eleven in 50s
• Four in 60s

6
Interviews

• 10 Questions (past, present, future)
• Conducted by phone or in person
• Average 30-40 minutes
• Recorded Results transcribed, formatted,
  tallied

7
Ten Questions About Midlife

• What is your definition of midlife? (theory)
• When did your midlife begin and how did you know?
  (reality)
• What have been the most significant changes?
• What was it like for you? What helped? What got
  in the way? What did you learn?
• How does midlife differ from your 20s and 30s?

8
Ten Questions About Midlife

• Where would you say you are in midlife? Are you
  in transition?
• What is the best thing about midlife? What would
  you change?
• If you were to give this time in midlife a name,
  what would it be?

9
Ten Questions About Midlife

• When will midlife be over and how will you know?
• What are three qualities you want to possess by
  the time your midlife is over?

10
Myth 1

• You know you are in midlife when you turn the big
  4-0!

11
Reality Midlife Is More Than An Age
First Question What is your definition of
midlife?

• Only 13 - AGE ONLY
• 39 - OTHER INDICATORS ONLY
• 48 - BOTH AGE INDICATORS
• Internal - reflection time, new world, values
  changing
• External - kids gone, physical changes,
  retirement

12
Ages of Midlife

• Theoretical Definition
• 61 did give an age or time as their definition
• 7 in 30s
• 79 in 40s or midway
• 14 in 50s

• Their Reality
• 100 gave an age when midlife began
• 7 in 30s
• 58 in 40s
• 35 in 50s (mostly 50-somethings)

13
Midlife Is More Than An Age

• How did you know your midlife began?
• 64 external indicators career, physical
  changes, kids leaving/recoupling
• 36 internal indicators time to think, new
  stage, ability to say no.
• Only 4 of 20 women mentioned menopause never
  the only trigger
• Most of those married rated their relationship
  best in midlife

14
Myth 2

• Midlife is just another
• transition.

15
New Reality Midlife Is Different

• We are unprepared for the
• afternoon of our lives Carl Jung
• Not easier or more difficult than the 20s-30s
• 1 to 8 significant external and internal
  changes (often at same time) within 10 years

16
Myth 3

• When you hit your 40s expect a midlife crisis
• crisis of confidence or identity occurring in
  midlife, characterized by the feeling that one is
  growing old or that life is passing one by.

17
New RealityMidlife Crisis No Longer Exists

• Give up on a stable view of things. The view
  depends on where you are. - William Bridges
• Old model More stability with age
• New model More than half of each decade group
  were in transition
• Harder to discern

18
Midlife Crisis No Longer Exists

• Midlife is really the best place to be.
• - Orville Brim, PhD, director of MIDMAC study
• MacArthur Foundations Successful Midlife
  Development study
• More stressors, but better equipped in midlife

19
Midlife Crisis No Longer Exists

• The way we describe our lives and understand
• them is ultimately and inextricably
• connected to the way we live them.
• - Mandy Aftel

20
Midlife Crisis No Longer Exists

• When asked what midlife was like
• Confusing
• Roller Coaster
• Scary So Right
• Feeling Empowered
• Slow Steady
• Deeply Personal
• Fear of the Unknown

21
Midlife Crisis No Longer Exists

• Rebirthing Myself
• Spring Cleaning
• Yahoo!
• Heavenly
• The Liberation
• The Train Goes On
• Engaged Period
• Evolving

22
Myth 4

• Just grin and bear it. Itll pass.

23
New Reality There Are No Role Models

• What helped?
• 1 spirituality
• 2 relationships and family
• 3 friends
• What didnt help?
• Negative self talk
• Fear
• Old beliefs and patterns
• Not forgiving
• Friends who didnt support my change
• Finances

24
There Are No Role Models

• What did they learn?
• Take care of myself, relax
• I am smarter than I think
• I know I am valuable
• Dont be afraid just do it!
• I can create it
• OK not to be perfect
• Its healthy to laugh and have fun
• Whats important is who I am, not what I do

25
Myth 5

• You know youve made it
• by your status, accumulations,
• and bank balance.

26
New Reality New Meaning for Success

• Top 3 Best Parts Relationships, family,
  spiritual life
• Top 3 Changes - More time to relax, purposive
  work, simpler gracious home environment
• only for more security
• This (health, diet, exercise) is an important
  focus
• for the next 20 years so they will be a quality
  20 years,
• if I get 20 years

27
Myth 6

• When midlife is over, its all downhill after
  that!

28
New Reality Midlife Isnt Over Yet

• Where are you now?
• 40s- most said in the beginning
• 50s and 60s most said still in the middle
• Only one said, Toward the end.
• When will it be over?
• 41 - Over by 60
• 47 - Over by 60s or 70s
• 12 - Over by 80s

29
Midlife Isnt Over Yet

• How will you know?
• Objective indicators decline of health, physical
  changes and retirement
• Subjective indicators when it happens, more back
  than forward, the autumn or winter of life

30
Midlife Isnt Over Yet

• What three qualities do you want to possess after
  midlife?
• 1 Loving
• 2 Compassionate
• 3 Passion
• 4 Wise
• 5 Peaceful
• 6 Joyful

31
Conclusion Midlife Is An Art

• Life can only be understood backwards but it
  must be lived forwards. Kierkegaard
• No simple definition or timing for midlife
• Becoming period - between doing and being
• Each persons story is a different painting
• No formula for success value comes from whats
  learned and shared

32
Whats Important for Coaching

• Give up assumptions
• Were valuable resources
• Holistic coaching is essential
• Midlife clients mean longer agreements
• Help clients write their own definition of
  success
• Help clients embrace the opportunity of midlife
• Huge market and resource for repeat bus
  referrals
• Interviewing is a great way to create a niche

33
Personal Lessons About Midlife

• Just the beginning
• What Ive learned for my own life
• A great time to be alive turning 50!

34
(No Transcript)