Conflict Communication

1
Conflict Communication

• Chapter 1

2
How do you react to

• We need to talk

3
Perception of Conflict?

• Probably negative
• All areas of life involve conflict
• Interpersonal, group, religious, political,
  gender, age, power, ethnicity, etc.
• Requires skillful management (not resolution)
• Communication (verbal AND nonverbal)
• Talk cant fix everything
• What works? What is ethical?

4
Research

• Coser (1967, 8), asserts that conflict is "a
  struggle over values and claims to scarce status,
  power, and resources, in which the aims of the
  opponents are to neutralize, injure, or eliminate
  the rivals.
• Cold war era win/lose perception

5
Research

• 1973 Deutsch maintained that "conflict exists
  whenever incompatible activities occur . . . an
  action which prevents, obstructs, interferes
  with, injures, or in some way makes it less
  likely or less effective"

6
Research

• Mack and Snyder (1973) two parties must be
  present, along with "position scarcity" or
  "resource scarcity," in addition to behaviors
  that "destroy, injure, thwart, or otherwise
  control another party or parties, . . . one in
  which the parties can gain (relatively) only at
  each other's expense"

7
Research

• Donohue and Kolt (1992, 3) "a situation in which
  interdependent people express (manifest or
  latent) differences in satisfying their
  individual needs and interests, and they
  experience interference from each other in
  accomplishing these goals."

8
Research

• Jordan (1990, 4) "conflict arises when a
  difference between two (or more) people
  necessitates change in at least one person in
  order for their engagement to continue and
  develop. The differences cannot coexist without
  some adjustment."
• The concept of interdependence

9
Communication

• The vehicle of conflict

10
Conflict is normal

• Neither negative nor positive
• Like many other normal processes
• We tend to focus on the negative examples
• All growth (physical, cognitive, spiritual, etc.)
  is the byproduct of some form of conflict
• No conflict no growth no life

11
Conflict

• Management of conflict is a process
• Chronological has steps
• Dynamic
• Perpetual ongoing
• Source of stress
• Conflict processes can be
• Prevent (lessen), repair (to a degree) or restore
  (arrive at a new place)

12
Elements of Interpersonal Conflict

• Situational context is extremely important
• A conflict situation requires
• Interdependent participants
• Perception of incompatible goals or favor
  mutually exclusive means to the same end
• Perception that, without some action,
  relationshiop will suffer
• Some sense of urgency to resolve (change)
• Return to perceived equilibrium

13
Conflict

• Not all conflict is overt
• Not all conflict requires verbal communication
• Or even physical presence
• Silent treatment, passive aggressive behaviors,
  avoidance, etc.
• Some form of expression is required, however
• Perception is all that matters
• We should constantly challenge our own

14
Conflict

• Normal part of all relationships, good or bad
• The closer the relationship (good or bad)
• The more frequent the conflict
• The more intense the conflict
• The more likely even very small issues trigger
  conflict
• We must see this as normal we must anticipate
  this in our relationships
• Or they will deteriorate (entropy)

15
Entropy

• Systems (all dynamic processes) seek equilibrium
• When output declines and inputs remain static
• Resources, skills, information, experiences
• Example biosphere
• Engines, organizations, families, dyads require
  new inputs, process changes, feedback from
  outside
• Reasonable level of porosity
• Without input, systems decay
• Input requires conflict, which allows growth (or
  at least sustainability)

16
Conflict

• The elements of a satisfying relationship are
  also where conflict arises
• Love
• Status
• Service
• Information
• Goods
• Money
• Time

17
The Inevitability of Conflict Principle

• There are no perfect people
• There are no conflict-free satisfying
  relationships

18
Violence is a special case

• Physical, verbal, psychological
• No growth, only harm
• Denies the autonomy of the individual means, not
  an end

19
Chapter 2

• Conflict is a Process

20
Conflict as Process

• Not an isolated event it is a series of events
• When the series repeats conflict cycle
• Often destructive they loop rather than
  resolve
• There are stages to conflict
• Processes have
• Stages of growth or decline
• History patterns emerge
• Continuous change
• Ingredients that interact

21
Conflict as Process

• We tend to see ourselves, others, and
  relationships (ours and others) as static
• Static evaluations
• Theyre a happy couple Hes an angry man
  Youre a pessimist Theyre so shallow
• Similarly, we tend to see conflict as a static
  event
• We dont see its a process (which can be
  managed)

22
Conflict as Process

• Static view leads to perceptions
• We see others as unchanging, relationships are
  unchanging
• We dont consider the history
• We dont consider now as only a stage
• We dont pay attention to the ingredients
• Others expectations, our fears, goals,
  abilities, time limits, context, place, etc.

23
Conflict as Process

• A resolved conflict (one which moves us to a
  new place) has five stages
• Prelude to conflict stage
• Frustration or latent stage
• Triggering event
• Initiation phase
• Differentiation phase
• Resolution phase
• Which changes the history, and becomes a prelude

24
Conflict as Process

• Prelude to conflict
• The who (participants)
• The relationship (power, history, closeness,
  attraction, etc.)
• Other interested parties (including simple
  witnesses)
• Physical environment
• Social environment

25
Conflict as Process

• Triggering event
• A behavior that sparks a perception of conflict
  in at least one participant
• Includes NOT doing something, as well
• The trigger event may be different for each
  participant. Example
• For you your best friend made fun of your
  clothes in front of others (your perception in
  reality, she thought youd find it funny, too).
• For your friend you scolded her as though she
  was a child (her perception in reality, you were
  just hurt)

26
Conflict as Process

• Initiation phase
• The conflict becomes overt (expressed)
• At least one person lets the other know a
  conflict exists
• Does not have to be verbal
• Will often appear after a long time
• Passive aggressive behavior during the wait
• One or both may play out the initiation many
  times, creating and/or exaggerating the others
  responses/intentions

27
Conflict as Process

• Differentiation phase
• Strategy to deal with the conflict begins
• Constructive or destructive
• Escalating and/or de-escalating
• Obvious to outsiders
• Opportunity for both sides to express feelings,
  what they intended, what they want
• Sometimes, only one is willing to participate
• The other may avoid, dismiss, deny, etc.

28
Conflict as Process

• Resolution phase
• Participants agree to some outcome
• Book success win/win (I disagree)
• Avoid, ignore, etc. may be a successful, useful,
  resolution
• Conflict process is cycle, so the resolution of
  one is part of the prelude (history) of the next
• Satisfying resolution reinforces the positive
  perception of conflict management

29
Unsuccessful conflict scenarios are those that
become diverted at one stage

• It may stop, or it may go back to an earlier stage

30
Conflict as Process

• Conflict responses are often scripted behaviors
  (URP undesired repetitive pattern)
• We need scripts, but not with conflict
• URPs can easily escalate the conflict cycle
  (schismogenesis)
• Schismogenesis can be complementary or symmetrical

31
Common Conflict Cycles

• Confrontation avoidance cycle
• A pattern of avoidance (since occasional
  avoidance is often useful)
• Withdrawal at the first hint of conflict
• Doesnt get past stage 2 (the triggering event)
• Conflict is bad perception- discomfort concerning
  a conflict-avoidance-conflict out of
  control-handle poorly-conflict is bad perception
• Either conflict not resolved (hurts
  relationship), or it builds and erupts
  (mismanaged conflict and damaged relationship)

32
Conflict as Process

• Confrontation avoidance cycle
• Caused by the perception of conflict as abnormal
• Excessive conflict is (like excessive harmony),
  but not occasional conflict
• Excessive conflict and excessive harmony prevent
  change, which is needed for growth
• Regular conflict (not excessive) is a sign of a
  healthy relationship
• How to deal with an avoider? Dont let them avoid

33
Conflict as Process

• Confrontation avoidance cycle
• Special form chilling effect
• When one withholds conflict communication out of
  fear of reaction, or potential loss of
  realtionship
• Common when the other has greater power (money,
  options, attractiveness, etc.)
• Cycle Fear perception that confrontation is
  not worth the risk decreased commitment or
  communication back to beginning or death of the
  relationship

34
Chilling Effect

• Similar, but is distinct from confrontation
  avoidance cycle
• Unique to a relationship (two people)
• Includes fear
• Not necessarily true of ones typical conflict
  response
• Response?
• Move past the fear, or get outside help (for
  abusive partners)

35
Common Conflict Cycles

• Competitive escalation
• Fails to advance past the differentiation stage
• Divergence rather than integration
• Cause desire to win
• Cycle unresolved conflict history perception
  of conflict competitive communication
  competitive response someone wins loser
  adds another unresolved conflict

36
Competitive Escalation

• How to respond?
• See conflict communication as an exchange of
  ideas (true argument) rather than a competition
• Ask yourself whats my goal?
• To win the argument?
• To learn, resolve, repair, heal?
• Violence (physical or verbal) cycle is a special
  case

37
Competitive Escalation

• Static evaluations and the use of absolutes
  become common
• You are a
• Youre always
• Often grows from just wanting to win, to wanting
  to hurt
• Backing down is seen as losing face, power
• Anger leads to passive aggressive behavior, or to
  outright vengeful acts

38
Competitive Escalation

• Behaviors that escalate
• Yelling, standing up, space invasion
• Threatening gestures, pushing
• Swearing, insulting, disconfirming, threatening
• Relating to sensitive areas
• Damaging possessions
• Ignoring, avoiding
• Notice how many are nonverbal?

39
Confrontation Process

• Preparation
• Express desire to talk
• Confront
• Listen with an open mind
• Resolve
• Follow up

40
Confrontation Process

• Preparation
• Identify problem/needs/issues
• Not a simple task the most important step
• Lack of a solution is not a problem
• Self-talk needed who, what, when, etc.
• How serious is it, whos responsible, me?
• Most important decide what you want
• Use imagined interaction be ready for responses
• But do it with their point of view in mind, too
• Self-fulfilling prophecies can affect outcomes

41
Confrontation Process

• Express desire to talk
• Agree on a time, dont demand it, resist the need
  to do it NOW
• Helps to mitigate strong emotional reactions
• Dont wait to long either
• Pick a place appropriate for the talk, consider
  the impact of others, pressure of the
  environment, etc.
• Private
• Free of distractions

42
Confrontation Process

• Confront
• Assertiveness is important (but be careful)
• Be aware of your nonverbals
• Maintain comfortable eye contact (not too much or
  too little)
• Speak in a controlled manner, but firmly
• Explain your concerns (without judging the
  other), but find points of agreement, too
• Avoid abstractions, exaggerations, absolutes, it
  statements, you statements

43
Confrontation Process

• Listen with an open mind
• Empathy, genuine listening (not just hearing),
  respect and protect face issues
• Provide good, and honest, feedback
• Speak about what YOU think or feel, dont tell
  the other what he/she thinks, feels, etc.
  (disconfirming). Dont one-up them in the
  desire to help
• Anticipate informational reception apprehension
• Respond rephrase, ask about wants, supply
  answers when none are provided
• Act, dont react

44
Confrontation Process

• Resolve
• Be sure the agreement is mutual (are you sure?)
• Put it in writing? Maybe
• Be specific about what youre agreeing about
• Specific, observable actions, not vague concepts
• Follow up
• Set a time and place to talk again
• Make sure enough time has passed be reasonable
• Balance negative feedback with positive
• Stay on track dont allow minor issues to
  trigger new conflict situations

45
Confrontation Process

• Does it work?
• Not always, but it certainly optimizes the chance
• Any improvement in the conflict experience helps
  ones perception of conflict as natural, normal,
  even desirable
• We begin to notice when it works (or not), why it
  did (or not)
• Remember its a process (tool), so you can get
  better each time

46
Emotional Expression in Conflict Communication

• Use facilitative, rather than debilitative
  communication whenever possible
• Rage, terror, depression, jealousy
• These are debilitative emotions (weaken the
  relationship)
• Contrast with facilitative enable relationships
• Facilitative emotions are not all positive
  emotions
• Often only a difference in intensity and/or
  duration
• Anger can be facilitative, rage is debilitative
• True of fear, admiration, excitement etc.

47
Conflict Management Processes

• Gross et al (2004) studies show
• Controlling style judged inappropriate when used
  by others, but appropriate when used by the self
  (self-serving bias)
• Kassings research on dissent as a conflict
  response
• E.g. Employees more likely to express dissent
  about colleagues and organizational practices
  than about safety and ethical concerns

48
Organizational Conflict (Van Slyke, 1997)

• Managers who thrive amidst the upheaval, caused
  by reengineering and downsizing, value conflict.
  Managers who lead, encourage conflict
• Not win/lose or right/wrong see it as a puzzle
  and a potential resource
• Deal with the genuine issue, not the stated one
• How? Seek the core motivation (money, status,
  recognition, etc.?)

49
Organizational Issue

• Be aware of contradictions in expectations
• Conformity/teamwork versus
• Flexibility
• Spontaneity
• Empowerment
• Creativeness
• Individuality

50
Organizational Issue

• Democratic form and Stohl and Cheneys paradoxes
• Structure spontaneity and creativity, but our
  way
• Agency Do it your way, as long as its our way
• Identity Be self-managing to reach
  organizational goals
• Power I order you to be independent

51
Conflict Management Processes

• How can you tell the difference between
  destructive and constructive conflict?
• Person/issue
• Off point/on point
• Selfish/empathic
• Parochial perspective/system perspective
• Static/dynamic

52
Ad Hominem Argument

• Responding to anothers argument by addressing
  characteristics of the person rather than
  addressing the issue
• Joes proposal is worthless he doesnt even
  have a marketing degree.
• Hes a great speaker, he looks good, and he
  seems confident hell probably be a great
  candidate for the new position

53
Options During Conflict

• Chapter 3

54
Options During Conflict

• Respond in one of three basic ways
• Other-centered, self-centered, relationship-center
  ed (Not mutually exclusive)
• Use one of four options
• Non-assertive, passive-aggressive, aggressive,
  assertive (Not mutually exclusive)
• Options lead to outcomes
• Lose-lose, lose-win, win-lose, win-win
• Each outcome contains strategies
• Verbal and nonverbal

55
Options During Conflict

• No right way, but each choice (behaviors) has
  (somewhat) predictable consequences
• We MUST be flexible about these choices
• Single type of response can be very dissatifying
• What works in one scenario (e.g. work) may not be
  best in another (e.g. home)
• WE are responsible for our actions, feelings,
  etc.
• Golden Rule helps us choose

56
Options During Conflict

• Make choices based on the situation and context
  in total, not just the person
• Labeling people will often result in a poor
  choice
• e.g. hes argumentative, or shes timid
• Dealing with conflict situations is a skill, not
  an inherent ability
• So anyone can learn what works
• Start by noticing what does not work well

57
Options During Conflict

• (1) Other-centered orientation
• Often results in dissatisfying outcome
• Denies the wants/needs of the self
• The result is non-assertive communication
  (learned behavior or chosen)
• Two methods avoiding and accommodating
• Sometimes tied to specific people, situations,
  relationships
• Some people apply it to all conflict situations
• Sometimes appropriate
• Context may make it the best choice

58
Other-Centered Orientation

• Signs of non-assertiveness (culture matters)
• Eye contact, posture, indecisiveness, allowance
  for interruption, apologizing too early, avoids,
  ignores, stonewalls, evades, dismisses the
  conflict as unimportant, denies that the conflict
  exists at all
• Related to CA (communication apprehension)
• CA is more usually(not always) more general
• Non-assertiveness may be cultural, or specific to
  individuals, contexts, etc.

59
Other-Centered Orientation

• Method one avoiding
• Results in lose-lose (not a lose-win)
• Accommodator loses needs are not expressed or
  met
• The other loses often unaware the conflict
  exists miss the true nature of the conflict
  they miss the potential value of working through
  the conflict
• Method two accommodation
• Lose-win (immediate), but lose-lose long term
• Potential value of working through the conflict

60
Options During Conflict

• (2) Self-Centered Orientation
• Dominate, control, force ones will on the other
  (openly or in the background)
• Not necessarily uncaring
• Creates the perception of argumentative,
  aggressive, selfish, etc.
• Focus on an I win you lose outcome
• Actually, a lose-lose in the long term

61
Self-Centered Orientation

• Enacted through passive-aggressive or overtly
  aggressive behaviors and communication
• Passive aggressive verbal/nonverbal behaviors
  that appear non-assertive, but are intended to
  inflict psychological pain, injury, etc.
• Backstabbing, sabotage
• Not aggressive (PA person doesnt express own
  wants and needs)

62
Self-Centered Orientation

• PA behaviors
• Spy, withhold, undermine, spread lies, sow
  discontent, disclose private issues, declines to
  get your back, deny the issue, miss
  appointments, break promises, delay,
  inconvenience, etc. etc.
• Also win-lose initially, but lose-lose long
  term
• Rarely appropriate (last resort)

63
Self-Centered Orientation

• Aggressive communication openly force ones will
  on the other
• Competing and/or forcing
• Mild verbal to extreme physical
• Verbal interrupt, stereotype, sarcasm, blame,
  intimidation, below the belt calls, threats,
  etc.
• Attacks the self-concept of the other
• Often related to childhood experiences
• Related () to physical aggression

64
Self-Centered Orientation

• Nonverbal posture, volume, eye contact, violence
• Also linked to childhood experiences
• Common to people unable to verbally defend
  positions
• Men are more likely (but not uncommon in women)
• Often seen as appropriate, necessary
• Bystanders affect outcome
• Reduce (men on women) or escalate (women on men)
• Rarely appropriate (unless in self-defense)
• Almost always lose-lose in the long term

65
Options During Conflict

• (3) Relationship-centered approach where both
  parties seek to understand the wants/needs of the
  other
• Both strive for the win/win first
• Collaborate or compromise
• Uses assertive behavior
• Reason, calmness, consideration, respect,
  open-mindedness

66
Relationship-Centered Approach

• Assertive communication
• Clearly standing up for ones wants and needs
  without infringing on the rights of the other
• Allowing the other to express, but truly
  listening with a desire to understand
• Challenge your own perceptions be willing to
  adjust
• Aggressive or assertive? Matter of perception
• Women have a somewhat greater challenge

67
Relationship-Centered Approach

• Compromising
• Should not be the first choice (lose-lose), but
  it may be the only choice at times
• Often the first choice often seen as the best
  process
• May result in gunny-sacking if its used when
  better outcomes were available
• Stored frustrations/unresolved issues can
  overflow. Causes additional problems. Shuts down
  efforts
• Goal workable outcome not an ideal one
• Both should see the outcome as fair

68
Relationship-Centered Approach

• Collaboration
• Best method when possible
• Minimizes emotional, physical, and relationship
  stress
• Less harmful to feelings of self worth compared
  to avoidance, accommodation, competition
• Less harmful to relationship satisfaction
  compared to avoidance, accommodation, competition

69
Relationship-Centered Approach

• Both parties must participate
• Competition-oriented individuals often pair with
  accommodators, but relationship stress usually
  limits success
• Collaboration listening, allowing expression of
  self-interests, protecting face
• Resolves conflict and modifies perspectives
  regarding the process

70
Relationship-Centered Approach

• Collaboration
• We need to really accept that the other is
  well-intentioned and holds an opposing view
• Rigid toward the goal (mutually satisfying
  outcome) but flexible concerning process
• This means brainstorming alternatives, solutions,
  perspectives
• Most important separate understanding the other
  from judging his or her perspective

71
Relationship-Centered Approach

• Ask for critical feedback
• Avoid abstractions, absolutes
• Choose the right time and place
• Clearly define and agree on the problem
• Consider the time, place, the person(s)
• Different contexts may require different
  approaches

72
Relationship-Centered Approach

• Collaboration
• Talk about needs and wants (outcome), not
  specific behaviors (process)
• Examples
• I need you to be here every day at exactly
  800am versus I want to maximize your
  productivity in this organization
• I want you to reserve the weekends for me
  versus I want to feel like Im an important part
  of your life
• Focus on outcome opens the possibility of
  multiple alternatives (process)

73
Relationship-Centered Approach

• Be genuine (to yourself as well)
• Do you really know what you want (phrased as an
  outcome)?
• Are you sure about the relationship?
• Is a win/win possible?
• Some contexts may be better served with
  accommodation, avoidance, aggression
• But choose collaboration (assertiveness) whenever
  possible

74
Chapter 4

• S-TLC System

75
S-TLC

• Stop-Think-Listen-Communicate
• A. Stopping Taking Time Out
• Exit temporarily. Let the other person know that
  you are not abandoning the situation and will
  return
• Stall get a glass of water
• Count backward from 100
• Change the topic for a while

76
S-TLC

• Thinking
• Outcomes to consider
• Do nothing, change the other person, change the
  situation, change yourself
• Thinking about Your Goals
• Instrumental goals remove a specific obstacle
• Relational goals gain power and establish trust
• Identity goals how both view each other
• Process goals alternative ways to manage
  communication and conflict

77
S-TLC

• Listening in Conflict Situations
• Avoid defensiveness by clarifying what the other
  intends
• Listening skills
• Shift all attention to the speaker
• Look at the speaker
• Try to understand the other persons feelings
  rather than focusing on arguing with the other
  person

78
S-TLC

• Communicating
• Use I-Statementspersonalize the conflict own up
  to your feelings.
• Dont make them the responsibility of the other
• Avoid You-Statementsemphasizes what we think is
  wrong with the other
• Use I Statements

79
S-TLC

• I-Statements
• Feelings statement A description of your
  feelings (e.g., feeling angry, neglected,
  offended, surprised, depressed, or unhappy)
• Behavior statement Very specific behavior
  (objective, no abstraction or judgment)
• Consequences statement the consequences the
  behavior has for you or others (use because)
• Goal statement A description of what you want
  specifically

80
S-TLC

• Advantages of Using I-Statements
• Provides necessary information because the other
  person doesnt need to read your mind
• Reveals your honesty you say what is on your
  mind, what you prefer, or what is upsetting you.
• Reduces defensiveness in others because you are
  not assigning blame or making accusations.
• It doesnt sound natural at first, but can become
  second-nature
• I just cant be nice when Im mad
• Ask yourself first what do you want?

81
Which are Correct Needs Statements?

• Im disappointed that youre backing out of the
  show after you agreed to help me
• You really irritate me when you dont show up for
  a date on time
• I need assurance I am loved in a language I
  understand.
• I need for you to tell me more about your work so
  I can get excited about your trip

82
Which are Correct Needs Statements

• Im disappointed that youre backing out of the
  show after you agreed to help me
• You really irritate me when you dont show up for
  a date on time
• I need assurance I am loved in a language I
  understand.
• I need for you to tell me more about your work so
  I can get excited about your trip

83
Which are Correct Needs Statements

• I feel like a single parent around here
• You dont seem to contribute anything to our
  group project.
• I feel frustrated when it seems that I have sole
  responsibility for planning our dates.
• I feel like I am going crazy.
• I feel insecure when we dont have at least the
  equivalent of a months salary in the bank
• I am not the only person whos having trouble
  with you

84
Which are Correct Needs Statements

• I feel like a single parent around here
• You dont seem to contribute anything to our
  group project
• I feel frustrated when it seems that I have sole
  responsibility for planning our dates.
• I feel like I am going crazy (no behavior)
• I feel insecure when we dont have at least the
  equivalent of a months salary in the bank
• I am not the only person whos having trouble
  with you (bandwagonning mob appeal)

85
Which are Correct Goal Statements?

• Lets get together for lunch.
• I want us to spend more time together with the
  kids.
• I want you to attend this class with me.
• I wish we could play different kinds of music
  around here instead of yours all the time.
• I want to stop feeling overwhelmed.

86
Which are Correct Goal Statements?

• Lets get together for lunch (vague when?)
• I want us to spend more time together with the
  kids (whats more mean?)
• I want you to attend this class with me.
• I wish we could play different kinds of music
  around here instead of yours all the time (all is
  an absolute. Likely to generate defensiveness)
• I want to stop feeling overwhelmed.

87
Which are Correct Goal Statements?

• I dont want your pity!
• I wish youd get off my case!
• I would like us to have one night a week,
  Wednesday, just for ourselves.
• I want you to exercise more.
• I want you to put your dirty clothes in the
  laundry instead of on the floor.

88
Which are Correct Goal Statements?

• I dont want your pity! (no behavior will
  accomplish nothing)
• I wish youd get off my case! (not specific
  whats off my case mean?)
• I would like us to have one night a week,
  Wednesday, just for ourselves.
• I want you to exercise more (whats more?)
• I want you to put your dirty clothes in the
  laundry instead of on the floor.

89
Scenario Exercise
90
Video
91
Chapter 5

• Video

92
Cooperative Negotiation

• Negotiation more advanced conflict resolution
  method
• Conflicts that involve win-lose outcomes
• It is important to first distinguish among types
  of conflict issues
• They can be over tangible or intangible issues
• Tangible concrete, physical
• Intangible abstract, non-physical

93
Cooperative Negotiation

• Intangible Issues
• No hard, physical, or observable assets
• Love, attention, cooperative and beneficial
  behaviors, respect, power, self esteem, caring
• Not truly scarce resources (even though
  conflicting parties may think otherwise)
• Types of Intangible Issues
• Personality
• Relationship
• Behavioral

94
Cooperative Negotiation

• Types of Intangible Issues
• Personality issue e.g. dominating, introverted,
  selfish, or achievement oriented
• Relationship issues rules, norms, and boundaries
  that partners have tacitly or overtly agreed on
• Behavioral issues concern specific and individual
  behaviors such as the way we handle money, time,
  space, and so on.

95
Cooperative Negotiation

• Personality issue My daughter is so lazy!
• Relationship issue But I dont want to be just
  friends anymore
• Behavioral issue
• Situational not a personality or relationship
  issue
• Which also can be behavioral
• You spent the tax return money on yourself!

96
Cooperative Negotiation

• Tangible Issues
• Often viewed as winlose conflicts because they
  involve personal property, money, land, grades,
  promotions, water/food/air supply, natural
  resources (oil, timber, precious metals), awards,
  rewards, jobs, etc.
• Often requires negotiation
• an exchange of proposals and counter proposals
  as a means of reaching a satisfactory settlement

97
Cooperative Negotiation

• Negotiation Basics
• Minimaxthe desire to minimize losses and
  maximize gains
• Aspiration pointthe hoped for outcome
• Resistance pointthe least one is willing to
  accept/give
• And still be satisfied with the outcome
• Bargaining Rangethe distance between the
  negotiators aspiration and resistance points
• Status quo pointthe position to which each
  negotiator will return if agreement is not
  reached.
• BATNA Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement

98
Cooperative Negotiation

• Expect to make some concessions
• NOT the same as compromise
• You settle for less than you want
• Often best to start by setting the initial goal
  higher than your aspiration point, then concede
  some
• Concession is MUCH more likely to lead to
  cooperation from the other

99
Aspiration Point
Bargaining range
Resistance Point
Unacceptable offers
Status Quo point
100
Competitive Negotiation

• Competitive Negotiation
• An exchange in which one starts high, concedes
  slowly, exaggerates the value of ones
  concessions, conceals information, argues
  forcefully, and outwaits the other
• Fixed pot mentality win/lose
• The most common, and often the assumed only way
• Less likely to result in a mutually satisfying
  outcome

101
Cooperative Negotiation

• Cooperative Negotiation
• Integrative form combines formal bargaining
  techniques with effective listening,
  assertiveness, supportive communication, and
  collaboration
• Works best when the parties trust each other and
  the situation is one where mutually satisfactory
  outcomes are possible
• Even though the parties may not know at first
• Goals are mutual gain, but they are open to a
  number of ways to achieve a winwin solution,
  known as equifinality
• Many right ways exist

102
Cooperative Negotiation

• Generating options
• Brainstorminggenerating ideas
• Focus on interests rather than positions
• Positions like the final part of an I-statement
  (the goal what you want)
• Interests the needs that are satisfied by the
  different positions
• Ask what makes you/the other want the position?
• Much more likely to reveal options

103
Cooperative Negotiation

• Cost cutting one party reduces the price of an
  item so that the other is more easily able to
  accept and live with the solution
• Compensation occurs when Party A provides
  something of value (often monetary) to Party B to
  make up for losses caused by As behavior or that
  result from As demands
• Prioritizing process in which each side grants
  to the other issues the other gives top priority
• Base Decisions on Objective Criteria
• Turn-taking, need, majority, coin toss, etc.

104
Cooperative Negotiation

• Converting Competitive Negotiation into
  Cooperation
• Separate people from problem
• Focus on the process, not the personalities
• Offer (not make) concessions grant something
  highly valued to the other person without asking
  anything in return
• Seek commonalities
• Talk cooperation use we talk

105
Cooperative Negotiation

• Consult before act
• Ask what they want/need, dont assume
• Increase communication as conflict escalates
• Control the process, not the outcome
• Think positively
• Use fractionation
• Dealing with the whole can seem overwhelming
• Break it down into smaller, easier to handle parts

106
Mediation Issues

• Know the goals of each side
• Know which facts are disputed
• Know which facts are critical, which not
• Know the implications of the options
• What are the options?
• What are the possible outcomes? Risks?
• What about walking away?
• Know the legal issues

107
Mediation Issues

• Who should pay for mediation?
• What is best for the people involved?
• State-funded?
• Funded by the participants?
• Both have ethical implications
• How do we learn about the process, when we must
  protect those involved?

108
Confidential versus anonymous

• Be careful!

109
Chapter 6

• Conflict Climate

110
Conflict Climate

• What is climate?
• the weather in some location averaged over some
  long period of time
• the typical or expected (average) weather
  pattern, as opposed to the actual weather at any
  given instant
• long-term predictable state of the atmosphere.
  It is affected by physical features such as
  mountains, rivers
• Relate physical climate to psychological
  climate
• the prevailing psychological state

111
Conflict Climate

• Our book Climate is a set of expectations for
  our behavior
• Like average weather pattern
• revealed by our perceptions of the emotional
  tone of voices, the looks on peoples faces,
  their body movements, dress code, room décor, and
  the occasion
• Like the physical features mountains, rivers,
  etc.

112
Conflict Climate

• Specifically, conflict climate is
• Psychological atmosphere affecting the conflict
• Several bipolar concepts
• Imbalance of power versus equity
• Distrust versus trust
• Defensive versus supportive behavior

113
Conflict Climate

• Harmful conflict climate
• Imbalance of power, distrust, and defensiveness
• Fosters avoidance, accommodation (chilling
  effect), competition (meeting force with force),
  competition cycles, even violence
• Mutually-satisfying outcomes unlikely
• Nurturing conflict climate
• Balance of power, openness, trust, assertiveness,
  collaboration and cooperation
• Mutually-satisfying outcomes more likely

114
_at_Conflict Climate

• Power abuse
• Power the ability to influence or control
  events
• Common to feel but I earned my power!
• Consider again what is your goal in the
  interaction?
• To remind others of your power?
• To win in the short term?
• To find a mutually-satisfying outcome?
• Not all power differentials are abusive
• Judge, doctor, parents, police, etc.
• Abusive when power is perceived as threatening

115
Conflict Climate

• Some behaviors contribute to power abuse
• Threats link the other persons noncompliance
  with negative outcomes
• Thromise sounds like a promise but operates like
  a threat
• Penalty associated with noncompliance
• Powerful speech verbal and nonverbal messages
  used to dominate and control others
• Powerless speech talking up to others requests
  or questions (Im in need or I dont know)
  speaking softly and sounding tentative,
  uncertain, or unsure, etc.
• Think or assertive communication as between
  these two ends of a continuum

116
Conflict Climate

• To decrease the potential for power abuse
• Neutral speech
• Do not talk down or talk up to the others
• Treat them as equals
• Use objective language (behavioral)
• Use concrete language
• Use reason and logic separate the person from
  the argument
• Minimize exaggerations
• Dont judge, or tell the other what he/she thinks

117
Conflict Climate

• Share power
• Give up some power and symbols of authority
• Avoid the yes men paradigm feels good but
  works against the mutually satisfying outcome
• Clothing, location, desk, podium,
• Focus on the task, not the preservation of power
• Make power resources accessible to everyone in
  the group
• Lower power show greater interest to increase
  power
• High power give power to the relationship (the
  third person)
• Acknowledging it, make commitments to it, take it
  into consideration as you behave

118
Conflict Climate

• The Threat of Competition
• When the parties are opponents
• When emphasis is on winning
• Outcomes are framed as winlose
• Cooperation
• Greater emphasis on the quality of interpersonal
  relationships than on the specific outcome

119
Conflict Climate

• The Threat of Distrust
• Trust perception that the other is
• Kind, honest, caring that transcends direct
  benefits the other receives as a result of caring
• Distrust little confidence in the other
  suspicion
• Inflexible, rigid, and consistent in actions
• Unhealthy trust pathological trust
• Not situational results in gullibility
  confusing risk-taking and trusting situations,
  overestimating the positive or underestimating
  the negative consequences

120
Minimize Defensiveness

• High defensiveness versus low defensiveness
• Evaluative versus descriptive language
• Control versus problem orientation
• Strategic intent versus spontaneity
• Neutrality versus empathy
• Superiority versus equality
• Certainty versus provisionalism

121
Minimize Defensiveness

• Avoid
• It language
• It isnt professional to send private email
  from work
• Absolutes
• You always, you never, thats the worst, I
  know whats best, you show no effort, etc.
• We language
• We dont feel it is productive for you to
• Dont tell people what they think, like, or feel
• Even when youre certain youre right

122
Conflict Climate

• Healthy trust is always earned
• Ways to build trust
• Begin by trusting others
• Perform cooperative actions
• Avoid suspicious activity
• Reciprocate in trusting ways
• Prisoners Dilemma (PD)
• Demonstrates mixed motive situations
• Cooperate or compete

123
The Threat of Defensive Behavior

• Defensive behaviors messages that create
  uncertain, anxiety, and or confusion for the
  other person.
• Supportive behaviors are messages that put the
  other person more at ease.
• Defensive and supportive behaviors are contrasts

124
The Threat of Defensive Behavior

• Contrasts
• Evaluation praise and blame
• Nonjudgmental description does not threaten the
  others self-esteem.
• Control attempts to dominate anothers behavior
• Problem orientation focus on the issue rather
  than power over the other
• Strategy suggests motives and agendas
• Spontaneity straightforward, unplanned, captures
  the spirit of the moment

125
The Threat of Defensive Behavior

• Contrasts
• Neutrality lack of concern for the welfare of
  others (i.e., that is not my problem)
• Empathy genuine interest in others.
• Superiority pulling rank on others
• Equality expresses a desire to cooperate
  invites participation.
• Certainty appears dogmatic because it refers to
  statements that consist of all or every
• Provisionalism suggests tentativeness, a desire
  to withhold judgment until all the facts are in

126
Stress a force to manage, not eliminate or
resolve

• Chapter 7

127
Managing Stress

• What is Stress?
• Subjective reactions to real or imagined forces
• Creates biochemical changes fight or flight
• Positive or negative
• Stress does not cause this reaction it is the
  reaction.
• Stress often erupts into conflict
• Stress is like an escalator in a conflict
  situation
• How do we deal with it? Drugs, pain medicine,
  alcohol, smoking, eating, etc.
• Often make it worse feeds a destructive cycle

128
Managing Stress

• Types of Stress
• Eustress and Hypostress
• Eustress good, short-term stress motivates
• Hypostress (underload) stress is too low bored,
  unchallenged, unmotivates

129
Managing Stress

• Hyperstress
• Overload of tasks and responsibilities pile
• Unable to adapt
• Negative and positive (marriage, baby, etc.)
  events may lead to hyperstress
• Hyperstress can amplify conflict, (when we
  exaggerate our reactions in conflict situations)
• Source is identifiable remove source, remove
  stress

130
Managing Stress

• Hyperstress has stages
• Alarm heart rate, sweat, alertness
• Fight or flight mode
• Resistance hormones are released (e.g.
  adrenalin)
• Effect us physically, mentally, and emotionally
• Exhaustion
• Resistance to illnesses drops, mentally fatigued,
  less able to handle additional stress can lead
  to overblown conflict
• Focal point (trigger) is usually unimportant,
  minor, not particularly relevant

131
Managing Stress

• Managing hyperstress
• Exercise
• Relaxing hobbies
• Talking with other we like that support us
• Avoiding unnecessary competition
• Dealing with the more difficult tasks first
• And experiencing the reward
• Tend and befriend (typically a female response)
• Males fight or flight
• Giving to others

132
Managing Stress

• Distress stress from lack control over the
  situation and/or when the source of stress is
  unclear
• More general less situational
• Personality-related
• Subject to self-fulfilling prophecies
• Leads to conflict proneness

133
Managing Stress

• Conflict pronenessresult of distress
• When people
• Take themselves too seriously, dont enjoy what
  they are doing, believe they are too far behind
  their goals, fail to see the humor or the lighter
  side of normal activities, too focused on
  winning
• Leads to general unhappiness
• Can make the person appear unpleasant to others

134
Managing Stress

• Conflict proneness
• Money issues can be a problem
• Lack of work satisfaction is even more likely
• Self-respect, pointlessness, lack of
  appreciation, guilt
• Those prone to distress are prone to
• Abuse of alcohol, nicotine, and other drugs
• Addictive personality (good and bad habits)
• Compulsive spending
• Handle conflicts poorly (hence the name)

135
Managing Stress

• Conflict proneness
• Avoid
• Fly off the handle
• Verbally and/or physically abusive
• Leads to failed relationships
• Which increases the distress conflict proneness
  failed relationships, etc.
• Downward spiral

136
Managing Stress

• How to manage distress
• Develop a playful spirit (mostly internal)
• Dont blame yourself for everything that goes
  wrong or doesnt pan out.
• Learn to accept rather than fight against some
  things
• See irony and humor in problematic situations.
• Visualize absurdities. Make a joke to yourself of
  something negative
• However, inappropriate humor can work against
  conflict situations

137
Managing Stress

• Develop a playful spirit
• Ask yourself What can I do now to be happier?
• Identify what happy will mean for you
  (difficult)
• Learn to say No without guilt
• Take on new more enjoyable roles
• Do something you can succeed at
• Make a clear distinction between work and play
• In short change the way you look at the world

138
Managing Stress

• Most important integration
• Understand that joy and pain are part of the same
  whole
• One exists only in contrast to the other
• No pain no joy
• No pain no growth no change no joy

139
Managing Stress

• Sources of Hyperstress and Distress (stressors)
• Conflict between who we believe we are and what
  we do
• Anticipated life events (e.g., graduation, aging)
• Unexpected life events (e.g., deaths, job loss,
  too much happening, at once, etc.)
• Need to make tough decisions (e.g., Marry him?
  Divorce? Move? Quit? Grad school?)
• Struggle with how much time and attention we
  should give to our many roles

140
Managing Stress

• Constructive Thoughts/Beliefs as Responses to
  Hyperstress and Distress
• How we interpret a stressor is much more
  important than the specific qualities, relative
  strength, or specific attributes of the stressor
• We can control how we interpret, so we can
  control the stress
• We must choose to control the stress, or it
  controls us

141
Managing Stress

• ABC approach
• A the activating event or stressor
• Control we can change the environment, o