Two Churches, One Marriage

1
Two Churches, One Marriage

• Lee Williams, PhD
• University of San Diego

2
Introduction

• Program reflects my professional background
• Educator - family therapy training program
• Researcher - marriage preparation and interchurch
  couples
• Clinician - working primarily with couples

3
The Basics - Why

• A large percentage of couples getting married are
  interchurch (40 or more)
• Couples from different religious backgrounds are
  at higher risk for divorce.
• Interchurch couples as a rule have received
  little attention despite their numbers and higher
  risk.

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The Basics - Who

• Program targets interchurch couples
• Interfaith couples may also benefit
• Same-church couples with religious differences
  may also benefit
• Engaged and newly married couples will likely
  benefit most

5
The Basics - What

• The program covers the rewards and challenges of
  being in an interchurch relationship, as well as
  strategies for dealing with the challenges.
• The program is divided into eight units that
  focus on issues that interchurch often face

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The Basics - What

• Communication skills
• Problem-solving skills
• Managing religious differences
• Exploring values around marriage
• Building a religious spiritual bond
• Changing religious affiliation
• Religious upbringing of children
• Finding support and acceptance

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The Basics - What

• Each unit is built around the IDEA model
• Introduction
• Discovery
• Education
• Application
• Program philosophy
• Process oriented
• Each couple must find their own solutions

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The Basics - How

• The program is available in two formats
• Free, web-based program (www.sandiego.edu/interchu
  rch)
• Teach-out-of-the-box version suitable for group
  workshop

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The Basics - How

• Recruiting couples
• Marriage preparation events (e.g., Pre Cana)
• Referrals through churches
• Marriage education websites
• Eligibility
• Interfaith?
• Distressed couples?

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The Basics - How

• Flexible format since each unit is self-contained
• Sequence is flexible, although it is recommended
  to begin with communication and problem-solving
  units
• Overall length approximately 4 hours

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Communication Skills Unit

• Communication skills can facilitate an
  exploration of issues that interchurch couples
  may face.
• Discovery - Individuals take an inventory to
  assess their relationship communication skills
• Ability to share thoughts and feelings?
• Individuals misinterpret each other?
• Ability to share vulnerable emotions?
• Ability to listen?
• Feel attacked?

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Communication Speaker Skills

• Use I statements
• Focus on behavior rather than character when
  complaining
• Share deeper (vulnerable) emotions

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Communication Listening Skills

• Listen - be curious
• Use active listening skills to confirm
  understanding
• Tape recorder method
• Paraphrasing method
• Empathic method

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Communication Listening Skills

• Look for cues the speaker does not feel
  understood
• Dont confuse active listening with agreement
• Let partner know you are listening
• Assume a neutral or positive intent

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Communication Conflict

• Recognize when flooding occurs
• Fight/fight pattern
• Flight/flight pattern
• Fight/flight pattern
• Take a time out when flooding occurs
• Slow down and use skills when addressing conflict

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Communication Application

• Exercise One - Practice communication skills
  while discussing an issue
• Exercise Two - Identify couple pattern around
  flooding
• Exercise Three - Negotiate how to take a time out

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Problem-Solving Skills Unit

• Problem-solving skills can help couples resolve
  the issues (religious or otherwise) that may
  arise.
• Discovery - Couples take an inventory to assess
  their problem-solving skills
• Mutual understanding of what is important to each
• Couples ability to come up with creative
  solutions
• Couples ability to compromise
• Couples ability to carry through on decisions
  made by the couple

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Step One - Define the Problem

• Need to specify what is the problem
• Need to decide how narrowly or broadly to define
  what is the problem

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Step Two - Identify the Underlying Needs

• Couples can have conflict over what is the best
  solution to the problem
• Identifying underlying needs can help the couple
  get unstuck
• Identifying needs may make it easier to find
  common ground and alternative solutions

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Step Three - Brainstorming

• Identify as many solutions as possible
• Be creative - think outside the box
• Dont critique ideas yet
• Dont stop brainstorming too quickly

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Step Four - Evaluate the Ideas

• Evaluate the merit of ideas after brainstorming
• Some unconventional ideas can be modified into
  more realistic solutions
• Look for solutions that offer a win-win for both
  parties, which often requires compromise

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Step Five - Implement the Solution

• Discuss the specifics of how to implement the
  solution
• Each person should describe what he or she will
  do to implement the solution
• Decide how long to try the idea

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Step Six - Evaluate the Success of the Solution

• Evaluate if the problem has been successfully
  resolved. Are both satisfied with the solution?
• If not, consider trying an alternative solution.
• May need to revisit earlier steps in identifying
  an alternative solution.

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Problem-Solving Skills Unit

• Application - Couples are given the opportunity
  to practice the skills on a problem

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Managing Religious Differences

• This unit provides strategies for dealing with
  religious differences, as well as exploring how
  they may be an asset for a couple.
• Discovery - Couple completes inventory on
  religious differences
• Church teachings
• What it means to be saved
• Importance of attending church
• Religious practices
• Importance of Bible
• Importance of prayer

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Two Common Myths

• Only interchurch couples have important religious
  differences
• Reality All couples can have religious
  differences
• Religious differences are problematic
• Reality Differences can enrich or divide

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Dos and Donts

• Dont take a deficit view of differences
• Dont focus just on differences, but also look
  for commonalities
• Do all you can to learn about your partners
  religious faith (e.g., attend partners church,
  read and discuss materials)

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Benefits to Exploration

• Exploration can lead to the discovery of
  similarities and commonalities
• Exploration can challenge individuals to grow
  spiritually
• Can become more tolerant and accepting of other
  religious traditions

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Dos and Donts

• Dont put other churches down
• Do put the problem in proper context-interchurch
  couples reflect a broader division in
  Christianity
• Dont overlook possible strong connections
  between family and religious traditions

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Troubleshooting Conflict

• SLOW DOWN - Use
• communication and
• problem-solving skills
• Be curious
• Is the conflict over a difference that will make
  a difference?
• Is conflict a symptom of deeper issues?

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Religious Differences Application

• Exercise One - Have individuals identify the five
  most important religious or spiritual beliefs
  they have in common with their partners.
• Exercise Two - Couple discusses how they can
  learn more about each others religious or
  spiritual life.

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Meaning of Marriage

• This unit help couples explore their values
  around marriage to assess how compatible they
  are.
• Discovery - Couples reflect upon the following
• How do they define marriage?
• What role should God play in the marriage?
• What messages have they received about marriage
  from church, family, peers, and society?

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Meaning of Marriage

• The unit discusses how the 4 Cs can shape values
  regarding marriage.
• Church
• Childhood/Family of Origin
• Circle of Friends
• Culture

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Topics to Explore

• Role of God in the relationship
• How important is God to each of you individually?
• Is marriage viewed as secular or religious?
• What role will God have in the relationship?
• Will you pray together as a couple?
• What spiritual values will guide you when your
  marriage faces challenges?

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Topics to Explore (continued)

• Divorce and commitment
• Under what circumstances is divorce acceptable?
• If you divorce, is remarriage acceptable?
• What will you do if you encounter difficulties in
  your marriage?

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Topics to Explore (continued)

• Gender Roles
• Traditional or egalitarian?
• How will roles change with arrival of children?
• Children and religion
• What will be religious upbringing of children?
• What role will God play in family life?
• What core values or teachings do you want your
  children to have?

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Topics to Explore (continued)

• Family planning/contraception
• What approaches to family planning are acceptable
  or unacceptable?
• What will you do if there is an unexpected
  pregnancy?
• What are each of your views on abortion?

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Meaning of Marriage

• The unit also helps couples explore their
  compatibility with regards to these values
• Step One - Know yourself
• Step Two - Critically examine your own beliefs
• Step Three - Know your partner
• Step Four - Map areas of similarities and
  differences
• Step Five - Assess overall compatibility

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Meaning of Marriage Application

• Exercise One - Explore and assess compatibility
  of values around marriage using five-step
  process.
• Exercise Two - Write down vows that reflect
  values around marriage.

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Joint Religious/Spiritual Life

• This unit discusses the value of building a
  religious and spiritual bond, as well as
  strategies for strengthening this bond
• Building a joint religious and spiritual life was
  a protective factor against divorce.
• Discovery - Couples take an inventory to assess
  the level of joint religious activities.

41
Religion and Spirituality

• Religion is an external institution with church
  communities, rituals, traditions, and doctrines.
• Spirituality refers to an individuals personal
  faith, beliefs, and relationship to God.
• Religion and spirituality can strengthen one
  another, or be separate.

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Developing a Joint Religious Life

• Attend church together
• Do service/volunteer activities together
• Attend Bible studies or religious education
  classes
• Attend church-sponsored social activities
  together

43
Attending Church Together

• Both remain active in their own churches, but
  also regularly attend their partners church.
• Alternate every other week which church they
  attend.
• Partners remain active in their own churches, and
  will occasionally visit the other partners
  church.
• Select one church to attend, with one or both
  changing affiliation.

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Addressing Barriers

• Individuals may feel uncomfortable with another
  church due to unfamiliarity or negative
  preconceptions.
• Individuals may fear that others will try to
  convert them.
• Catholics Does attending another church meet my
  Sunday obligation?
• Issues around communion.

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Advantages of Joint Attendance

• Strengthens religious and spiritual bond.
• May help couple discover more commonalities.
• Get a different perspective, which may enrich
  ones spiritual life.
• Two possible sources of support.

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Developing a Joint Spiritual Life

• Pray together
• Study the Bible together
• Read and discuss other religious or spiritual
  books together
• Discuss your personal faith with one another.

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Joint Religious/Spiritual Life

• Application - Couple identifies one way to
  strengthen their religious/spiritual bond.

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Religious Affiliation

• A large percentage (43.8) of interchurch couples
  became same church through one or both partners
  changing affiliation.
• The unit explores the issues of whether or not
  interchurch individuals should change religious
  affiliation.

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Religious Affiliation - Discovery

• On a 1 -10 scale, what is the strength of your
  denominational affiliation? Your partners?
• What religious belief, practice, or tradition.
• do you cherish most in your church?
• does your partner cherish most in his or her
  church?
• do you find most appealing in your partners
  church?

50
Religious Affiliation

• Reasons given for changing
• Preferred partners denomination
• Wanted to worship together as a family
• Stronger unity
• Prevent confusion of children
• Keep peace in the relationship or extended family

51
Religious Affiliation

• Reasons given for not changing
• Dont accept beliefs of partners denomination
• Value current church traditions
• Change would result in loss of identity
• Change would result in negative family reaction

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Religious Affiliation - Application

• Individuals complete worksheet where they rate
  the importance of various factors for against
  changing religious affiliation.
• Individuals share their answers with their
  partners.

53
Religious Upbringing of Children

• This unit explores various approaches for the
  religious upbringing of children.
• Discovery - Couple reflects and shares their
  answers to following questions
• Benefits and risks to raising children in one
  church
• Benefits and risks to raising children in two
  churches
• Where and when do you anticipate baptizing your
  children?

54
Religion and the Children

• Important to begin this discussion early
• Can be one of the most difficult challenges for
  interchurch couples
• There are several different approaches that the
  couple could take
• There is no right or wrong answer

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One Tradition, One Church

• Everyone in family goes to one church
• One partner typically changes religious
  affiliation
• In some cases, both partners change religious
  affiliation, or one partner becomes active in the
  church but does not officially change affiliation.

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Pros and Cons

• Easier for couple/family to worship together
• Some feel this approach is less likely to confuse
  children
• Both partners may be unwilling to change
  religious affiliation
• Those who change affiliation may experience
  problems with extended family

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Different Traditions, One Church

• Each parent remains active in his or her own
  church.
• Children, however, are raised in only one church.
• Usually children are raised in the church of the
  more devout parent.

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Pros and Cons

• Each parent can remain active in his or her own
  church
• Some feel this approach is less likely to confuse
  children
• One parent may feel excluded from religious
  training of children.
• Parents cannot share equal responsibility.

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Different Traditions, Different Churches

• Both parents remain active in their own church.
• Each child is raised exclusively in one church,
  but not all children go to the same church
• Examples
• Boys (Lutheran), Girls (Catholic).
• Remarried families

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Different Traditions, Raised in Both Churches

• Each parent remains active in his or her own
  church.
• The children are raised or exposed to both
  religious traditions.
• Concept of Double Belonging.

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Pros and Cons

• Parents remain active in their own church or
  denomination.
• Children are exposed to different perspectives,
  which some believe forces them to more closely
  examine their beliefs.
• Children might learn greater religious tolerance.

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Pros and Cons

• Challenge of respectfully articulating your
  beliefs to a child, without putting down your
  partners beliefs.
• Time and financial resources of raising children
  in two churches.

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Other Approaches

• As a child grows older, some parents may allow a
  child to choose which church to attend.
• Only one parent is religiously active, and raises
  children in that church.
• Some couples provide their child little or no
  religious upbringing (perhaps as a way to avoid
  conflict).

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Children - Application

• What are the most important beliefs you want
  passed on to your children?
• What do you think is the best plan regarding the
  religious upbringing of your children?
• What factors are most important to you in
  recommending this plan?
• What factors might lead you to change your mind?
• Who will have the greatest difficulty with this
  plan if adopted?

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Finding Support Acceptance

• This unit explores the challenges that some
  interchurch couples face in finding support and
  acceptance from others (e.g., family, church)
• Discovery - Reflection questions
• How have you experienced lack of acceptance?
• How have you received support?
• Who in your family is most concerned about your
  interchurch relationship? Why?
• Who in your family is most supportive about your
  interchurch relationship? Why?

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Parents and Acceptance

• Parents may show lack of acceptance several
  different ways.
• Negative comments about partner, partners
  church, or marriage.
• May question whether partner is saved.
• Refusal to attend or participate in worship
  service
• Refusal to participate in wedding

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Parents and Acceptance

• Possible reasons for non-acceptance
• Negative perception of other denomination.
• Fear child will become less active.
• Fear that child will change affiliation.
• Fear they have done a poor job as parents.
• Fear child will have problems in the marriage
• Change seen as act of disloyalty.

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Parents and Acceptance

• Many parents are supportive, or are indifferent
  to the issue.
• Many parents who have difficulty with interchurch
  relationship eventually grow to accept it.
• Siblings can pave the way for greater acceptance.

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Acceptance Within Churches

• Interchurch couples can experience lack of
  acceptance in churches
• Some clergy may not participate in a religious
  ceremony.
• Individuals may experience pressure to change.
• Being excluded from church activities.
• Failure to acknowledge interchurch couples exist
  or have special needs.

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Dealing with Lack of Acceptance

• Focus less on what others think and more on what
  you think is right.
• Dont personalize criticism.
• Seek to discover what is behind the lack of
  acceptance.
• May need to gently confront and educate others.
• Seek support from others.

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Acceptance - Application

• Exercise One - Have couple discuss one or two
  areas where they experience a lack of acceptance,
  and how to handle it.
• Exercise Two - Have couple discuss joining (or
  even starting) a group for interchurch couples.

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Additional Resources

• Mental health referrals
• Additional resources on communication skills
  programs and premarital inventories
• Evaluation form
• Resources on various denominations
• Resources on prayer books for couples
• Additional books and websites for interchurch
  couples

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Pilot Study Results of Providers

• 86 thought the program would be either extremely
  helpful or very helpful to interchurch couples.
• 86 said they would either definitely or probably
  recommend the program to interchurch couples.
• Those who frequently worked with interchurch
  couples were more favorable than those who
  occasionally or seldom worked with them.

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Pilot Study Results of Providers

• who rated unit as extremely or very helpful
• Communication skills - 76
• Problem-solving skills - 89
• Managing religious differences - 86
• Exploring values around marriage - 74
• Building a religious spiritual bond - 79
• Changing religious affiliation - 86
• Religious upbringing of children - 84
• Finding support and acceptance - 72

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Contact Information

• Lee Williams
• School of Leadership Education Sciences
• University of San Diego
• 5998 Alcala Park
• San Diego, CA 92110-2492
• williams_at_sandiego.edu
• 619-260-6889