LOVING PEOPLE WHEN THEY GET ON YOUR LAST NERVE 101 Soquel Camp Meeting

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LOVING PEOPLE WHEN THEY GET ON YOUR LAST NERVE!
101Soquel Camp Meeting

• Diversity/Conflict Management Workshop
• July 18,2008
• Presented by Elder Roscoe J Howard III

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THE OBJECTIVES OF THIS WORKSHOP ARE

• TO DEFINE THE MEANING OF DIVERSITY
• TO ACQUIRE AN APPROPRIATE DEFINITION OF CULTURE
  AND EXPLORE THE CULTURAL IMPACT OF THE
  PARTICIPANTS WORLD VIEW
• TO LOOK AT BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES OF UNITY AND TO
  BUILD BRIDGES FOR POSITIVE COMMUNICATION
• TO DIALOG ABOUT AREAS OF DIFFERENCE
• DISCOVER THE JOY OF DIVERISTY

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GROUND RULES

• LISTEN TO EACH OTHER
• IT IS NOT ABOUT RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWERS
• LEARN FROM EACH OTHER
• RESPECT DIFFERENCES OF OPINION
• AGREE TO DISAGREE
• SPEAK FROM SELF-EXPERIENCE
• CONTRIBUTE HONESTLY AND POSITIVELY
• EXPECT UNFINISHED BUSINESS
• HAVE FUN
• PRAY FOR THE HOLY SPIRIT TO GIVE US UNDERSTANDING

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DIVERSITY
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WHAT IS DIVERSITY?

• THE FACT OR QUALITY OF BEING DIFFERENT-VARIETY
• A POINT OF RESPECT IN WHICH THINGS DIFFER
• AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY

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ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH WE BLESS EACH OTHER
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• CREATING A ENVIRONMENT THAT FEELS INCLUSIVE
  AND ACCEPTING. MAKING SURE THAT NO ONE FEELS
  MARGINALIZED. DEVELOPING AN ATMOSPHERE THAT IS
  CONDUCIVE TO ALWAYS FEELING WELCOMED AND
  INCLUDED.
• This is what Diversity looks like when it is
  beyond definition.

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FOUNDATIONAL AND SECONDARY DIMENSIONS OF DIVERSITY

• Foundational
• AGE
• ETHNICITY
• GENDER/DNA
• RACE
• PHYSICAL ABILITY

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SECONDARY DIMENSIONS

• EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND
• GEOGRAPHICAL LOCATION
• INCOME
• MARITAL STATUS
• MILITARY EXPERIENCE
• PARENTAL STATUS
• RELIGIOUS BELIEFS
• WORK EXPERIENCE
• WORSHIP STYLE

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• THROUGHOUT THE WORLD THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT
  WAYS OF DOING THINGS, MOST OF WHICH ARE NEITHER
  BETTER NOR WORSE THAN OUR OWN, THEY ARE SIMPLY
  DIFFERENT.

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• DO WE NEED DIVERSITY IN THE CHURCH?

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• WE CANNOT ALL HAVE THE SAME MINDS OR CHERISH
  THE SAME IDEAS BUT ONE IS TO BE A BENEFIT AND
  BLESSING TO THE OTHER, THAT WHERE ONE LACKS,
  ANOTHER MAY SUPPLY WHAT IS REQUISITE. YOU HAVE
  CERTAIN DEFICIENCIES OF CHARACTER AND NATURAL
  BIAS THAT RENDER IT PROFITABLE FOR YOU TO BE
  BROUGHT INTO CONTACT WITH A MIND DIFFERENTLY
  ORGANIZED, IN ORDER TO PROPERLY BALANCE YOUR OWN.
• 
  2MCP,377

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THE GLOBAL VILLAGE

• IF WE WERE A VILLAGE OF 1000 PEOPLE
• 300 WOULD BE CHRISTIANS
• 175 WOULD BE MUSLIMS
• 128 WOULD BE HINDUS
• 55 WOULD BE BUDDHIST
• 47 WOULD BE ANIMISTS
• 4 WOULD BE JEWISH
• 81 WOULD BE OF OTHER RELIGIONS
• 210 WOULD BE AN ATHEIST OF HAVE NO RELIGION

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WORKFORCE TRENDS

• INCREASE IN WOMEN
• INCREASE IN PEOPLE OF COLOR
• INCREASE IN IMMIGRANT GROUPS
• RISE IN EDUCATION AND SKILL REQUIREMENTS
• INCREASE IN SENIORS LIVING LONGER

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HOW DO THESE ELEMENTS IMPACT EACH OF US?

• THE DIVERSITY ELEMENTS IN EACH OF US ARE THE
  BUILDING BLOCKS OF WHO WE ARE AS INDIVIDUALS.
  THEY INFLUENCE OUR BEHAVIOR AND INTERACTIONS WITH
  OTHERS AT HOME SOCIALLY AND AT WORK.

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• WE SELDOM FIND TWO PERSONS EXACTLY ALIKE.
  AMONG HUMAN BEINGS AS WELL AS AMONG THE THINGS OF
  THE NATURAL WORLD, THERE IS DIVERSITY.
• UNITY IN DIVERSITY AMONG GODS CHILDREN-THE
  MANIFESTATIONS OF LOVE AND FORBEARANCE IN SPITE
  OF THE DIFFERENCE OF DISPOSITION-THIS IS THE
  TESTIMONY THAT GOD SENT HIS SON INTO THE WORLD TO
  SAVE SINNERS
• SONS AND DAUGHTERS OF GOD PAGE 286

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WHY ARE PEOPLE IMPORTANT TO ANY ORGANIZATION?
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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Culture
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• CULTURE IS THE SUM TOTAL OF WAYS OF LIVING
  INCLUDING VALUES, BELIEFS, AESTHETIC STANDARDS,
  LINGUISTIC EXPRESSION, PATTERNS OF THINKING,
  BEHAVIORAL NORMS, AND STYLES OF COMMUNICATION
  WHICH A GROUP OF PEOPLE HAS DEVELOPED TO ASSURE
  ITS SURVIVAL IN A PARTICULAR PHYSICAL AND HUMAN
  ENVIRONMENT, CULTURE AND THE PEOPLE WHO ARE PART
  OF IT, CULTURE IS NOT STATIC, CULTURE IS THE
  RESPONSE OF A GROUP OF HUMMAN BEINGS TO THE VALID
  AND PARTICULAR NEEDS OF ITS ESSENTIAL BALANCE
  BETWEEN POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE DIMENSIONS.
• DR. DAVID S. HOOPES AND DR MARGARET D PUSCH

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Culture

• ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH WE LIVE

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CULTURE INFORMS

• BELIEF SYSTEM
• INFORMS
• VALUES
• INFORM
• ATTITUDE
• INFORMS
• BEHAVIOR
• INFORMS
• RULES, POLICIES, AND STANDARDS

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• WHAT HAS OUR
• CULTURE TAUGHT US?

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Christ is above all culture!

• The Word of God is the litmus test for all
  truth-This is absolutely crucial
• Some things in every culture must go when
  measured against the word of God
• Some things in culture are neither morally bad or
  good- Just tradition
• All tradition is not bad-Some traditions are
  fatal

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SABBATH OBSERVANCE

• BELIEF
• VALUES
• ATTITUDE
• BEHAVIOR
• RULES-POLICIES-STANDARDS

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MUSIC

• BELIEF
• VALUES
• ATTITUDE
• BEHAVIOR
• RULES-POLICIES-STANDARDS

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SEX

• BELIEF
• VALUES
• ATTITUDE
• BEHAVIOR
• RULES-POLICIES-STANDARDS

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DISCIPLINE

• BELIEF
• VALUES
• ATTITUDE
• BEHAVIOR
• RULES-POLICIES-STANDARDS

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FINANCE

• BELIEF
• VALUES
• ATTITUDE
• BEHAVIOR
• RULES-POLICIES-STANDARDS

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FOOD

• BELIEF
• VALUE
• ATTITUDE
• BEHAVIOR
• RULES-POLICIES-STANDARDS

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• TELL ME, I FORGET
• SHOW ME, I REMEMBER
• INVOLVE ME, I UNDERSTAND

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• CULTURE AND YOU

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• STEREOTYPES

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• A STANDARDIZED MENTAL PICTURE THAT IS HELD IN
  COMMON BY MEMBERS OF A GROUP AND THAT REPRESENTS
  AN OVERSIMPLIFIED OPINION, PREJUDICED ATTITUDE,
  OR UNCRITICAL JUDGMENT.
• MERRIAN WEBSTERS COLLEGIATE DICTIONARY
  (TENTH EDITION)

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• WHETHER FAVORABLE OR UNFAVORABLE, A STEREOTYPE
  IS AN EXAGGERATED BELIEF ASSOCIATED WITH A
  CATEGORY. ITS FUNCTION IS TO JUSTIFY
  (RATIONALIZE) OUR CONDUCT IN RELATION TO THAT
  CATEGORY.
• The Nature of Prejudice by Gordon W. Allport

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WHAT RACE WAS JESUS?

• Three characteristics suggest He was Puerto
  Rican
• His first name was Jesus
• He was bilingual
• He was always being harassed by the
  authorities

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• Three characteristics suggest He was Black
• He called everybody Brother
• His hair was as Lambs wool
• He couldnt get a fair trial

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• Three characteristics suggest He was Jewish
• He went into his fathers business
• He lived at home until He was 33
• He was sure His mother was a virgin and His
  mother was sure He was God

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• Three characteristics suggest He was Italian
• He talked with His hands
• He had wine with every meal
• He worked in the building trades

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• Three characteristics suggest He was White
• He couldnt dance
• He knew everything
• He was always on time

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• Three characteristics suggest He was Californian
• He never cut His hair
• He walked around barefoot
• He started a new religion

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• Three characteristics suggest He was Irish
• He never got married
• He was always telling stories
• He loved green pastures

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• And now the most compelling evidence
• Three characteristics suggest He was a woman
• He had to feed a crowd at a moments notice,
  when there was no food
• He kept trying to get the message across to a
  bunch of men who just didnt get it
• Even when He was dead, He had to get up
  because there was more work for Him to do

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PEOPLE

• THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF WE DIDNT
  HAVE TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE
• LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF THERE WERE NO
  DIFFICULT PEOPLE TO SPOIL THINGS
• THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE IS THAT THEY ARE
  HUMAN

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ONLY GOD CAN CHANGE PEOPLE
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I can only change myself as I allow the Holy
Spirit to do His work in my life.
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Dealing with Varied Dispositions

• The Lord wants us to be sanctified. We shall have
  to contend with people of varied dispositions,
  and we should be in a position where we know how
  to deal with human minds. We must ask Christ to
  give us words to speak that will be a blessing.
  And as we thus seek to help others, we shall be
  blessed ourselves.
  Manuscript 41, 1908

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Perceptions

• Count the Squares

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RELATIONSHIPS
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RELATIONSHIPCOMMUNICATION

• PROBLEMS COME WHEN THE RELATIONSHIP FOCUSES ON
  THE DIFFERENCES
• COMMON GROUND REDUCES TENSION AND BUILDS
  RELATIONSHIPS
• SUCCESS IN COMMUNICATION DEPENDS ON FINDING THE
  COMMON GROUND YOU SHARE

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• COMMUNICATION WHATS YOUR STYLE?
• How do you learn best?
• Auditory, Kinesthetic, Visual, or
• some combination of the three?
  

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• TELL ME, I FORGET
• SHOW ME, I REMEMBER
• INVOLVE ME, I UNDERSTAND

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COMMON GROUND
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FINDING COMMON GROUND

• MIRROR BEHAVIOR
• LISTEN WITH ATTENTIVENESS
• CLARIFY MEANING AND INTENT
• SUMMARIZE WHAT YOU HEARD
• IDENTIFY POSITIVE INTENT
• GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT
• APPRECIATE CRITICISM

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THE UNEXAMINED LIFE

• WHO AM I?
• ENVIRONMENT-WHAT IS INFLUENCING MY BELIEF SYSTEM?
• UNDERSTAND THE POWER OF WORDSSELF-TALK
• PEOPLE DONT CARE HOW MUCH YOU KNOW UNTIL THEY
  KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE
• CHANGECRISIS OR GROWTH

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EVERYONE WANTS TO BE UNDERSTOOD

• HOW PEOPLE PERCEIVE YOU
• HOW YOU PERCEIVE YOURSELF
• HOW YOU WANT PEOPLE TO PERCEIVE YOU
• HOW YOU THINK PEOPLE PERCEIVE YOU

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HOW PEOPLE PERCEIVE YOU

• PHYSICAL APPEARANCEPRESENCE
• SPIRITUALITY
• VERBAL ABILITY
• APTITUDE
• ATTITUDE
• HUMILITY
• COMPASSION

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HOW YOU PERCEIVE YOURSELF

• PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
• MENTAL ABILITY
• SPIRITUAL STATE
• ACCEPTANCE BY OTHERS
• EXPECTATIONS OF ONESELF
• GRACE FOCUSED-GUILT FOCUSED
• AWARE OF GIFTS AND TALENTS
• NEEDY, HURTING, ANGRY, LONELY

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SELF TALK

• As a man or a woman thinks in their heart

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HOW YOU WANT PEOPLE TO PERCEIVE YOU

• DO YOU WANT TO JUST BE LIKED ?
• DO YOU WANT TO BE SEEN AS STRONG ?
• ALWAYS RIGHT
• IN CHARGE
• HAVE IT ALL TOGETHER
• AUTHENTIC

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Self Image

• Like it or not, to some extent we are who we
  think others think we are.
• We value ourselves as we think we are valued by
  others.
• We vigilantly try to assess the opinions of
  others using our psychological antennas to
  discover whats in their minds.

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• How we see ourselves makes a big difference in
  how we relate to others.
• Who shaped your self image the most?
• Whom do we let define who we are?
• How can we change our self image?
• When we feel confident about ourselves how do we
  feel about others?

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Three Steps Toward Better Relationships

• Step 1 Self-disclosure
• Appropriate, Measured, Authentic
• Step 2 Express Acceptance
• Warmth, Empathy, Caring
• Step 3 Avoiding Problems
• Unrealistic Expectations, Hostility, Over
  dependency, I-it Orientation, Emotional
  Insulation, Inferiority Feelings

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ATTITUDE
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ATTITUDE AXIOMS

• OUR ATTITUDE DETERMINES OUR APPROACH TO LIFE
• OUR ATTITUDE DETERMINES OUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH
  PEOPLE
• OUR ATTITUDE IS OFTEN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
  SUCCESS AND FAILURE
• OUR ATTITUDE AT THE BEGINNING OF A TASK WILL
  AFFECT THE OUTCOME MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE
• OUR ATTITUDE CAN TURN PROBLEMS INTO BLESSINGS

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ATTITUDE AXIOMS CONTINUED

• OUR ATTITUDE CAN GIVE US UNCOMMONLY POSITIVE
  PERSPECTIVE
• OUR ATTITUDE IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY GOOD JUST
  BECAUSE WE ARE CHRISTIANS
• John C Maxwell The Winning Attitude

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TIPS FOR BRINGING OUT THE BEST IN PEOPLE WHEN
THEY ARE AT THEIR WORST
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Prayer

• Pray with difficult people
• Pray for difficult people
• Pray about your thoughts toward difficult people
• Pray for the Holy Spirit to change your mind set
  about difficult people
• Pray always

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Operate from Biblical Principles

• Philippians 25 Let this mind be in you
• Matt. 1815,16 Go to the person alone
• Romans 1217-19 Live at peace with all
• Galatians 61-10 Restore with gentleness
• Matt. 538-48 Love your enemies
• I Corinthians 9 19-23I became all things
  Cultural Contextualization

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Conflict

• When a person perceives that his or her self-
  esteem is endangered and that something desperate
  must be done to restore it.
• Dr. H Newton Malony

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Problems vs. Conflict

• Conflict an inner state of mind. Conflict exist
  inside people not between them.
• They feel their self-esteem is in danger, and
  they use destructive action to restore their
  sense of worth.

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Self-Esteem

• The opinion we come to have of ourselves.
• Identity Ascribed- Brother, American, Wife
• Achieved- Teacher, Secretary, etc.
• All our roles are social- Make sense in the
  context relationship
• Status Reputation How we are seen by others,
  not how we would like to be seen.

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• Like it or not, to some extent we are who we
  think others think we are.
• We value ourselves as we think we are valued by
  others.
• Firm Identity and Low status
• High status and no Identity

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Conflict is Universal

• Wherever there are scarce resources, divided
  functions in society, different levels of power,
  competition for a limited supply of goods,
  status, valued roles, or power as an end in
  itself, conflict will occur.
  
• Dr. David W. Augsburger

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CULTURAL SOURCES OF MISUNDERSTANDING

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• DEGREE OF DIRECTNESS
• APPROPRIATE SUBJECTS FOR CONVERSATION
• FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND EYE CONTACT
• TOUCH
• LOUDNESS AND PITCH
• SILENCE

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TEN DIMENSIONS OF CULTURE

• SENSE OF SELF AND SPACE
• COMMUNICATION AND LANGUAGE
• DRESS AND APPEARANCE
• FOOD AND EATING HABITS
• TIME AND TIME CONSCIOUSNESS
• RELATIONSHIPS
• VALUES AND NORMS
• BELIEFS AND ATTITUDES
• MENTAL PROCESSES AND LEARNING
• WORK HABITS AND PRACTICES

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Problem

• When two people try to occupy the same spot.
• A question or situation that presents
  uncertainty, perplexity or difficulty.
• A question put forward for discussion or
  solution.

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Conflict vs. Problem

• Situations themselves can sometimes be
  overwhelming, but until they threaten our
  self-esteem, they remain problems we can solve,
  rather than conflicts to be overcome.

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Tips for solving problems

• Use the indirect approach
• Emphasize harmony
• Keep options open
• Capitalize on the relationship
• Get honest with ones own feelings and attitude
• Spend non-work, non-church time together

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• Tell me, I forget
• Show me, I remember
• Involve me, I understand
• Share an example with your group and tell when
  you felt powerless and what you did about it.

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STUDY THE DATACLARIFY THE EXPECTATIONNEGOTIATE
ROLES

• COMMITMENT
• STABILITY
• PINCH
• BLOW-UP
• STALEMATE
• CHECK-OUT
• NEGOTIATION UNDER STRESS
• PLANNED RENEGOTIATION

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The central core of conflict is not conflict at
all, but power. J.T. Duke

• POWER IS THE CURRENCY OF CONFLICT

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• Power does not reside in the individual but is
  the property of the social relationship, power
  lies in the relationship.
• Power is present in all social relationships and
  can be used for destructive and productive
  purposes.
• Power is not a finite resource.

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• We all need power for self-esteem and
  fulfillment. Power is necessary for a sense of
  personal significance, not in an external
  opportunistic way, but in a fundamental internal
  manner. We all need to feel that we count, that
  we are valued.
• Power is a necessary ingredient of communication.
  Inevitably, all interaction and communication
  carries with it unconscious assessment of
  personal significance, mutual influence and power.

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• Given a relational base, power is fluid and
  difficult to measure in precise terms. Power can
  be expanded and limited.
• Over time, significant and static power
  imbalance, harm and destroy individuals and
  relationships.

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Spiritual Component

• God is in control
• Seek to be in the will of God as revealed in the
  Word of God
• God can resolve conflicts when skills and
  knowledge are insufficient
• Always remember your Identity
• Pray for wisdom to complement your knowledge base

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• WE REALIZE WE HAVE NOT ANSWERED ALL YOUR
  QUESTIONS AND IN MOST CASES OUR ANSWERS HAVE ONLY
  SERVED TO PRODUCE NEW QUESTIONS FOR WHICH WE HAVE
  NO ANSWERS, LEAVING US AS CONFUSED AS BEFORE.
• HOWEVER, WE BELIEVE WE ARE NOW CONFUSED ON A MUCH
  HIGHER LEVEL AND ABOUT MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THINGS
  THAN BEFORE.

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• Thank You!

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