Relationship Breakup: Understanding the Myths

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Relationship BreakupUnderstanding the Myths
Learning to Heal

• Mary Lynn Manns, Ph.D.

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It is better to have loved and lost than to live
with that psycho for the rest of your
life. refrigerator magnet lent to me by
Dr. Pam Laughon
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Purpose of this Presentation

• to help you understand what youre going through
  during the loss of a relationship
• to help you understand how you can help others
  who are going through the loss of a relationship
• to provide some healing techniques

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Loss ? Grief ? Change
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So who the heck is this presenter?
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The unique struggles ina break-up

• Feelings of rejection and betrayal
• Seeing your ex with a new love
• Potentially unrealistic hope
• Friends who are caught in the middle
• Few, if any, support systems
• Therapists who may not really understand
• Misunderstanding of the emotions
• Expectations that you can just get over it

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There is a lot of suffering out therebut very
little understandingand very little help.As a
result, many people aresuffering in silence.
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MythAfter a certain amount of time(3 weeks, 3
months, 6 months)you should be over it and
move on.
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• It was a good ten months before I slept a whole
  night without my good friend, Tylenol PM. Jane
• I lived for months on ginger ale, bananas, pepto
  bismol, and fingernails (and lost about 40 pounds
  overall).  Marcia
• I am happily married now, but even years after my
  break-up, I still get a little sad when I think
  of my ex every Sunday morning because he and I
  used to read the newspaper together.
  Chris

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Ive been going through hell for the last months.
Yet, he is doing fine and is having a lot of fun
with his new girlfriend. How can he just jump
from what we had into a relationship with someone
else? Sophie
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It doesnt go away just because you want it
to. Barb, referring to her intense sadness and
anger
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Healthy change is not an event it is a process

• It will not happen just because you declare you
  are "over it" or because other people say you
  should be.
• You will need time to reestablish your identity
  and way of life.
• Everyone has to take his or her own unique
  journey-- honor your pace and trust the process.

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It was almost 10 years after my break-up. I was
watching a Lifetime movie about a couple who was
getting a divorce. Totally unexpectedly, intense
emotions consumed me and I cried like a baby. I
realized I never dealt with the pain of my
break-up properly it was still a part of
me. Elizabeth
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MythIt will be easier to get over an exwho
has done dreadful thingsor is just plain wrong
for you...
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My friends try to help me by reminding me what he
did. He did some terrible things. so they dont
understand why I still love him so much, but I
do. I just cant flip a switch in my brain and
make the love go away. Susan
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My friends tell me I dodged a bullet. Yes, well,
I know thatbut I loved that bullet. Lind
a
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I am making lists of all the awful things he did,
and all his annoying habits. But it doesnt
cause me to simply forget all the wonderful
things I saw in him. Amy
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Love is emotional, not logical

• You did not fall in love for logical reasons
• You did not stay in love for logical reasons
• Logical arguments will not will not cause you to
  fall out of love
• The facts have very little ability to ease the
  complex feelings of love

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MythYour friend who experienced arelationship
loss will be finebecause s/he is a strong
person.
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People keep telling that Ill be fine and get
through this because Ive been so strong and
confident my whole life. Yes, that is the way it
used to be, but not any more. Ellie
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• I cant be myself around my friends. Im falling
  apart and they have no idea. Amy
  
• My friends told me We hate him now, but if you
  keep going on and on about him, we will start
  hating you. Sherrie
• I am worried I am wearing out my friends.
• Lynn

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I have a lot of well-meaning people around me.
But the two worst words I can hear from them is
Move on. I cant, so it makes me feel so
weak. Barb
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The shock and pain can create profound changes in
your friend

• Give your friend permission to let go
• Keep a watchful eye
• Recognize that moving on involves both the
  physical and the emotional
• Offer your support rather than a cure

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I feel like my house has burnt down and someone
just brought me a pair of pajamas.I really
appreciate the gift, but my house still burnt
down. Sophie
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MythIf you concentrate on what you have, you
will stop thinking about whatyou have lost.
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I read somewhere that I should create a gratitude
journal, so I did. Counting my blessings is
important it allows me to appreciate what I
have. But, can this really allow me to get over
who I have lost? Susan
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You cannot simply replace one thing for another.
However

• Whatever you give your attention to will only get
  stronger.
• Focus your attention on all the healthy things
  you need to do to heal, rather than everything
  that nails you to the pain.

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MythA new love is the answer...
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Barb My new love, Greg, made the pain of my
break-up go away. He is my salvation. Pat And
what if something happens to Greg?
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Within a month after the break-up, I joined
match.com wow, what a disaster that
was! Sally
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You have a void in your life dont fill it with
liquor fill it with work. Advice to Brie on
Desperate Housewives
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Are you looking outside yourself for the answer?

• Dont use distractions to postpone your grief --
  take the time and effort to truly heal
• Look for the answer in something you can control
  in yourself
• Learn how to be happy without a dependence on
  other people and things

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MythThe pain I am feeling is so bad.I must
make it stop.
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The pain was so strong that I just wanted it to
stop now. I could think of only one way to make
this pain end it was getting scary.
Susan
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The breaking of your heart has caused you to be
kicked in the head

• The pain got your attention use it to propel
  you to a different level.
• It is healthier for the long run to go through
  the grief, rather than around it.
• If you resist the pain, you wont learn the
  lesson and you will repeat the class.

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Loss ? Grief ? Change
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What Ive learned so far

• There is a lack of understanding about recovery
  from a break-up yet, it needs to be taken as
  seriously as any other loss.
• The road to healing is not intellectual and
  logical it is emotional and even irrational.
• Most people ignore the grief, rather than go
  through it, because they dont understand how to
  heal.
• Breaking up is hard. Finding help should not be.

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Psychologist Be patient -- windows and doors
will eventually open for you.Cheryl But how do
I keep from suffocating until they do?
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Healing is an inside job

• Make the public private
• Express your feelings
• Create your own future
• Eat, sleep, exercise
• Evaluate your support systems
• Laugh

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Carole the path we are on is for a greater
purpose and that it is an opportunity to open a
door to another facet of who we are and who we
can becomeYou are working really hard at getting
the old you back but I believe that a new you
will emerge with all of the wonderful qualities
of the "old" but with many "new" gifts that will
benefit not only you personally but all with whom
you come in contact.