Communications and Conflict-Management, K. Knox 09

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Communications and Conflict-Management, K. Knox 09

• Ideas from Getting to Yes, Choosing Civility,
  Fierce Conversations, First Things First,
  Difficult Conversations, Verbal Judo
• Parts 1, 2, and 3

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To a significant extent

• Life is what our relationships make it. ..We
  exist and we perceive our identity not in a
  vacuum but rather in relation to others. Life is
  relational whether we like it or not.
• No action of ours is without consequence.

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What happens when

• Someone tells you you have to do something or
  gives you a little threat?
• The conversation is the relationship.
  Incremental degradation is a compromise in
  authenticity in our conversations and its a slow
  and deadly slide (FC)

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Part 1Rhetoric

• The art of verbal persuasion
• Perspective (the way you see things)
• Audience (empathy seek 1st to understand)
• Voice (use the mirror record your voice)
• Purpose (no interruptions be clear)
• Conscious organization (begin with the end in
  mind)
• Handout of scripts to practice with a partner
  situational roleplays

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Example of organization for a call

• Greeting and attention
• Identification of self and reason for call
• Notes to maintain focus and avoid birdwalks or
  repetition
• Paraphrase what you heard refocus your attention
• Speak consciously with attention
• Ask seek fact finding and complete understanding
• Listen more than speak dont interrupt
• Ethical presence
• Reassurance
• Summarize the action plan

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Remember

• The more you clarify your position and defend it
  under attack, the more committed you become to
  it. Your ego becomes identified with your
  position. The more attention that is paid to
  positions, less attention is devoted to meeting
  the underlying concerns of the parties.
• Positional bargaining becomes a contest of wills
• Assignment review handout on positions

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More thoughts

• Dont be ruled by adrenaline
• Daughters photo and mirror
• Remember that feelings are the heart of every
  conversation.
• Distinguish between severe and reasonable
  resistance
• Make that 41st caller feel like the first call of
  the day
• Always check your own assumptions
• Respond dont react with ego
• Flexibility equals strength
• Common sense is uncommon under pressure. If
  someone gets under your skin, they control you.
  Dont see the other as the adversary.
• Use And more than but

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Unexpressed feelings ARE the conversation

• When people are having a hard time listening,
  often it is not because they dont know how to
  listen well. It is paradoxically, because they
  dont know how to express themselves well. (DC p.
  89)
• Emotions are not a single feeling
• We tend to translate our feelings into judgments,
  attributions, or characterizations

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Instead of trying to control the others reaction,

• Prepare for it with a mirror
• Practice what you will say, and listen to
  yourself opening lines, tone, choice of words,
  too soft/cushioned?, confusing, too much
  talking?
• Create a learning conversation with specific,
  mutually-agreed upon outcomes Invite dont
  impose
• Assignment use the DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
  CHECKLIST to prepare for your next DC

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Civility is liberating

• It frees us from slavery to self-absorption,
  impulse and mood.
• I am not just talking with a person I am talking
  with this person. I honor your worth.
• We can gain a victory over carelessness,
  indifference, anger and inertia.

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Part 2Some Principles of Fierce Conversations

• Master the courage to interrogate reality
• seek win-win
• Seek first to understand
• are we avoiding the too hard basket?
• there is a huge cost (economical, emotional,
  intellectual) with not identifying and tackling
  the real issues)
• what is impossible to do that if it were
  possible, would change everything?
• Are my truths and frustrations in my way?

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Separate the people

• From the perceived problem
• Focus on interests not positions
• Create a variety of possibilities before deciding
  what to do (options for mutual gain)
• The result should be based on an objective
  standard
• Evaluate your position and hard or soft stance
  (see handout on positioning)

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Negotiate it and frame it

• Frame it so whats important to you is
• Differences are defined by the difference between
  your thinking and theirs. Ultimately conflict
  lies not in objective reality but in peoples
  heads. Be prepared to withhold judgment for a
  while as you try on their views p. 22 GTY

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And vs. But

• Without laying blame, catch yourself replace
  and with but
• Really know that the answers are in the room
• Be aware of ground truthwhats happening on
  the ground vs. in official tactics and
  requirements (The official truth is that were
  higher scoring than all other online schools in
  Colorado. The ground truth is)

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Principles of Fierce Conversations, contd

• 2. Come out from behind yourself into the
  conversation and make it real
• Know that all conversations are with myself, and
  sometimes they involve other people.
• Know that the emotions roiling within you are how
  you are showing up to others.
• Mineral rights evaluation sheet handout

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Principles of FC, contd

• Be here, prepared to be nowhere else
• Humans have a universal longing
• to be known, and being known, to be loved
• I see you
• You must learn to rebuild the links that connect
  people and that provide an effective antidotes to
  cynicism and disaffection.
• FOCUS without multitasking
• Assignment choose one of your challenging
  parents or students. Apply principle 3 in a
  conscious way. This will take more than one
  interaction. Write a journal entry about what
  you did and said and whats happening.

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A dialogue

• Hows your work going?
• great.
• Everything working out?
• yeah.
• Any questions?
• no.
• Thats goodthats what I like to hear. Have a
  good day!
• yeah.

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assignment practice these guiding sentences

• What is the most important thing you and I
  should be talking about?
• How is this issue impacting you? When you
  consider these impacts how are you feeling?
• If nothing changes, what are the implications?
  or Imagine it is a year later and nothing has
  changed What is likely to happen?
• How have you helped to create this situation?
• (I dont Know triggers what would be it be you
  did know? or thats useful to think about.)
• What is the ideal outcome? What is the most
  potent step you can take to being to resolve this
  issue?
• When should I follow up with you?

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Come into the conversation with empty hands just
bring yourself

• If you ask for the issue, dont
• --Jump right in and offer suggestions or points
• --Share stories about yourself (takes the focus
  onto you)
• --Put so many pillows around a message that the
  message is lost all together and there is
  confusion (softening the message is just trying
  to protect ourselves)
• --get into all sorts of birdwalks and extraneous
  details
• --tell them right way, the rules they are
  violating they know
• --dont let your voice include anger or angst
  you may induce profound indifference
• Instead, Use the 60 second/7 question handout for
  review and practice

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Mole whacking vs. grubs

• Behind each mole is another one

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Some principles of fierce conversations, contd

• Take responsibility for your emotional wake
• Recognize that everything you say creates an
  emotional wake
• --This is where we are going this is how
  we are going to get there this is why we are
  going to get there
• Recognize that there are multiple truths
• Recognize that when your emotions are negative,
  the more you say increases the likelihood of a
  negative wake, so I need to say less and listen
  more
• Dont use absolutes you never you always
• Assignment Practice the handout of
  Conversational Phrases aloud

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Fierce conversations contd

• 5. Let silence do the heavy lifting. Reflect on
  beliefs and paradigms let others participate
  fully scan your head for ground truths.
• Dont be guilty of
• --interrupting by talking over someone else
• --formulating your own response while someone is
  talking
• --responding quickly with little thought
• --attempting to be funny, clever, charming,
  competent, impressive
• --jumping in with advice before an issue has
  been clarified
• --changing topics
• --talking in circles nothing new emerging
• --allowing cell or email interruptions
• --cancelling an important meeting with a parent
  or student
• --monopolizing the air space and/or talking too
  fast with umms to monopolize the air space.
  TALKING IS NOT CONVERSATION.

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Part 3The three conversations copy this slide

• The What happened conversation
• Includes thoughts about truth, intentions and
  blame
• The feelings conversation
• The identity conversation

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This translates to

• Am I competent?
• Am I a good person?
• Am I worthy of love?
• _________________________
• Justify,
• deny,
• give up

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Roleplay

• Try speaking with someone you dont really like
  or who is angry with you and the school
• Try calming someone who is angry about the LMS
  and attacking you personally
• Use part 1 tools use script phrases--debrief

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Debrief whats happening

• Respecting others opinions that differ strongly
  from yours
• Handling interruptions
• Body language
• Mind-set
• Level of hard and soft communications
• The personal interferences
• giving in

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Redirection without passion

• The first principle of verbal judo is to not
  resist your opponent. Instead move with him and
  redirect his energy. p. 43 VJ
• Difficult people built this country. We need to
  allow room in our system for them and their
  questions. When you shift from resisting to
  appreciating and even welcoming difficult people,
  things become interesting and less tense. P. 44
• MUSHIN (the still center)

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Thinking beyond me

• Draw a circle with COVA in it
• To the right draw a 5 pointed star to represent
  you
• To the right of that draw a box with a C in it
  which stands for your contact point.
• Now draw a figure 8 which represents your job
  that begins on the left, passes through you and
  continues to the right before passing through you
  again. Continue to trace the figure 8. You serve
  as a conduit between 2 entities in such a manner
  as to generate voluntary compliance.
• Soon, youll see you are virtually obliterated by
  your representational job. If you are a
  mouthpiece, you dont represent your own ego. The
  more ego you show the less power you have over
  people.

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Mediation

• Saying so doesnt make it so
• Tone and modulation
• The ending phrase..what does she hear?
• you fool
• Redirect with WIIFH vs confront
• Roleplay assignment
• Assignment use the Confrontation Model handout

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Practice it

• Handouts include
• and/but
• framing it
• mirror
• debrief

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Ongoing practice

• Use two new techniques this week
• Journaling/self reflection
• Teacher partners