Good Morning!

1
Good Morning!

Please take out your notebook, writing
assignment, and copy down the learning target!
Learning Target Apply targeted revision
strategies to improve writing

• There are times to stay put, and what you want
  will come to you, and there are times to go out
  into the world and find such a thing for
  yourself. ? Lemony Snicket

5 Dec. 2013
2
Agenda 12/5/13

• Writing Fun Activity
• Homework Remember, your notebook will be turned
  in tomorrow, reading for Chapters 6-7 due Monday,
  Dec. 9th
• If you missed Tuesdays quiz, you need to make
  it up THIS WEEK for credit!

3
Time for our fun activity!

• Focus for today specific word revision!
• levels of diction
• specific vs. general words
• verb tense consistency
• strong verbs!
• change passive voice to active voice

4
levels of diction

• Formal impersonal and more academic in tone,
  jargon, no 1st person. Can risk being too cold.
  
• Formal isnt always better! (dont over
  thesaurus-ize! Clear writing is always better
  than muddled writing)
• This is the optimum consequence we have the
  expectation of attaining.
• or
• This is the best result we can expect.
• Informal friendly and personal in tone, may use
  1st or 2nd person, colloquial expressions. Can
  risk being too casual.

5
Apply it!

• In your own writing
• Label it on top of your paper-what is your level
  of diction? Select three words or short phrases
  that really illustrate that and write those next
  to your label.
• What, if any, words or phrases do you find in
  your writing that seem inconsistent with your
  desired level of diction? How could you re-write
  to change the tone by changing the level of
  diction?
• Or, complete this mini-lesson Identify the level
  of diction present in these examples, and then
  re-write the sentence to change it to the other
  level of diction.
• 1. It was observed that the children of
  differing races acted primarily equally while in
  the academic setting.
• 2. It was totally dumb that the game was figured
  out by a cruddy call from a guy in stripes.

6
specific vs. general words

• To make your writing effective, "show" something
  to readers that they can imaginatively
  experience don't just "tell" readers an abstract
  idea
• For example
• Abstract "Telling"Even a large male gorilla,
  unaccustomed to tourists, is frightened by
  people.
• Concrete "Showing""A four-hundred-pound male
  gorilla, unaccustomed to tourists, will bolt
  into the forest trailing a stream of diarrhea, at
  the mere sight of a person."
• (actually a sentence from a science journal)

7
Avoid generalities-be specific!

• "Ralph and Jane have experienced difficulties in
  their lives, and both have developed bad
  attitudes because of these difficulties. They
  have now set goals to surmount these problems,
  although the unfortunate consequences of their
  experiences are still apparent in many everyday
  situations.
• Not really saying muchfeels surface

8
Better

• "Ralph and Jane have experienced challenges
  getting along with their parents, and both have
  developed coping strategies like avoiding being
  at home because of these difficulties. They have
  now set a goal to stay at home for a family
  night at least once a week to try to connect more
  with their families, although the unfortunate
  consequences of their experiences are that those
  nights can still feel tense and uncomfortable.

9
Avoid fluff words

• very /really
• stuff/thing
• good/bad
• You can do better!
• Highlight any of these you find in your writing.
  Plan on re-writing as many of these as possible!

10
Apply it!

• In your own writing
• Look for areas that are too general, or that stay
  on the surface of what youre trying to say.
  Where could you add more specific details to help
  answer how, which, or why questions to
  support your ideas.
• Highlight areas you are going to fix, and
  re-write one of those sentences to share.
• Or, complete this mini-lesson
• Make the following sentences more specific by
  adding concrete details
• There were lots of reasons my grades were good.
• The best part was that I was very happy about the
  day.

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Use strong verbs!

• Mary walked into the restaurant.
• More entertaining and vivid!
• Mary staggered into Denny's.
• Mary paraded into Red Lobster.
• Mary shuffled into McDonald's.
• Mary limped into Burger King
• Mary sauntered into Subway.
• Mary marched into Kentucky Fried Chicken.
• Mary tiptoed into Pizza Hut.
• Mary pranced into Taco Bell.

12
Dont forget about boring helper verbs!

• To be and to be able to verbs
• Were, is, was, are, am, can, could, etc
• Boring
• The waves were high.
• The air was so cold I could see my breath.
• Better
• The waves towered above the boat.
• My breath was highlighted by the frigid air.

13
First- verb tense consistency

• Challenge time!
• Circle EVERY verb on the first page of your
  writing and label it as either P for past, N
  for now (present?), or F for future.
• Dont forget the helper verbs! (to be or to be
  able to)
• Do you shift tenses logically in time periods, or
  were you shifting in ways that clouded your
  meaning?
• dont have your paper? Rewrite the above sentence
  to keep it all in one tense. ?

14
Now reallyApply it!

• In your own writing
• 1. Look at all those verbs you circled. Choose 5
  to re-write as stronger, more interesting verbs!
• Or, complete this mini-lesson
• Re-write the following sentences to make the
  verbs stronger.
• The dog was happy about going to the park.
• I want to drink a cup of hot chocolate right now.
  
• I will remember to bring my assignment next time
  so I can avoid the lame sentences Mrs. Tomlinson
  makes up.

15
change passive voice to active voice

• A passive verb creates a sentence structure in
  which the subject is acted on and therefore, is
  put in a passive position. The subject of an
  active verb performs the action.
• Subject
• Passive
• A suggestion was made by the instructor that the
  plan should be revised.
• Active
• The instructor suggested that the plan should be
  revised.

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What harm can it do?

• The rabbit was injected with a cancer-causing
  substance.
• Ack! Passive voice hides who did that to the poor
  rabbit!
• With years of experience, I performed that piano
  piece with amazing accuracy.
• Hmmsort of hides you and your achievement at the
  end of the sentence? Feels a little less
  personal?

17
Apply it!

• In your own writing
• 1. Phewwere getting tired. Just skim through
  and see if you find any examples of this. Write
  PV next to it, but dont do any revisions yet. ?
• Or, complete this mini-lesson
• Re-write these sentences to change them from
  passive voice to active voice!
• The lectures were brilliant, but the students
  were still bored.
• Being able to walk long distances, Mona went
  through tennis shoes very quickly.

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Wrap Up

• Record this answer in your journal
• What was the most valuable strategy for you
  today?
• Good news! No official, required re-write for
  this one!
• BUT, this can be used as a portfolio piece later
  if you havent written a personal piece yet.
• Want feedback from me? Do your revisions and turn
  them in to me by next Tuesday and Ill return it
  by Friday.
• Just want to share the piece with me, but not
  looking for editing/revision help? Turn it in
  today, and Ill read and comment on it!