Approaching the College Essay

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Approaching the College Essay

• David Schindel Sandia Preparatory School
  Beverly Morse Kenyon College
• Jeremiah Quinlan Yale University

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(No Transcript)
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An Approach to the Intentional Essay

• NPR This I Believe format
• http//www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?story
  Id4538138
• Essay Parameters
• Clear statement of belief
• Story that reveals the discovery of the belief
• Conclusion that reflects on the belief
• Concise (300 word maximum)

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Steps

• The educator curriculum for This I Believe is
  available on the NPR website. I condense it to
  use in workshops.
• Lesson One Brainstorm
• Head the paper with I Believe and write
  non-stop for twenty minutes.
• It is alright to repeat, but write for the
  allotted time.

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Step Two

• Examine (discuss with class) the sheet for your
  core belief the one that remains constant.
• State your belief in a declarative sentence for
  example, I believe in the power of names.
• I typically write an essay along with students
  to illustrate.

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Step Three

• Take the statement of core belief and develop it
  into one paragraph which defines the belief
  broadly.
• Be certain that your belief is clearly stated and
  specific.
• Avoid beliefs that are too general (i.e. I
  believe in friendship).

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Step Four

• Tell your story. Show the reader through a
  specific illustration of how you arrived at your
  core belief.
• Begin with a stream of consciousness reflection.
• -- Be certain that the story illustrates the core
  belief you have stated in the intro.

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Step Five

• Write the conclusion that returns the reader to
  the core belief.
• The conclusion need not restate the belief but
  must concretely connect your story with your
  introduction.

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This I Believe Essay

• In previous lessons I have used Eboo Patels I
  Believe essay We Are Each Others Neighbor
  (November 7, 2005). This year I am using Kamaal
  Majeeds essay Being Content with Myself (May
  7, 2007). I intentionally select I Believe
  essays that will resonate with students and
  stimulate discussion about content and craft.

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Being Content with MyselfBy Kamaal Majeed

• Since my middle school years, Ive been asked
  this question more than any
• other. It seems to me that too many people have
  let society program into their
• brains what should be expected of me, a black
  person, before ever interacting
• with me. But I believe in being who I am, not
  who others want me to be.
• On my first day of high school, going into math
  class, two of my classmates
• pointed and laughed at me. I initially thought
  my fly was open, or that
• something was stuck in my teeth. But as I took
  my seat, I heard one of the
• students whisper, Why is a black person in
  honors? So my fly wasnt open.
• An honors-level class had simply been joined by a
  student whose skin was an
• unsettling shade of brown.
• Many people think my clothes should be big enough
  for me to live in, or expect
• me to listen exclusively to black music. In
  seventh grade, a group of my
• peers fixed their cold stares on my outfit
  cargo shorts and a plain, fitting T
• Shirt. They called out to me, Go get some
  gangsta clothes, white boy.

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Page 2

• In one of my Spanish classes, as part of a review
  exercise, the teacher asked
• me, Te gusta mas, la musica de rap o rock? Do
  you like rap music or rock
• music more? I replied, La Musica de rock. The
  look of shock on my
• classmates faces made me feel profoundly
  alienated.
• I am now in my junior year of high school. I
  still take all honors courses. My
• wardrobe still consists solely of clothes that
  are appropriate to my proportions.
• My music library spans from rock to pop to
  techno, and almost everything in
• between. When it comes to choosing my friends, I
  am still colorblind. I
• continue to do my best work in school in order to
  reach my goals and yet,
• when I look in the mirror, I still see skin of
  that same shade of brown.
• My skin color has done nothing to change my
  personality, and my personality
• has done nothing to change my skin color.

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Page 3

• I believe in being myself. I believe that I --
  not any stereotype should define
• who I am and what actions I take in life. In
  high school, popularity often
• depends on your willingness to follow trends.
  And Ive been told that it doesnt
• get much easier going into adulthood. But the
  only other option is to sacrifice
• my individuality for the satisfaction and
  approval of others. Sure, this can be
• appealing, since choosing to keep my self-respect
  intact has made me
• unpopular and disliked at times, with no end to
  that in sight. But others being
• content with me is not nearly as important as me
  being content with myself.
• Kamaal Majeed is a high school student in
  Waltham, MA. In addition to his studies, he
  works part-time at the local library, and enjoys
  studying foreign languages and writing a personal
  journal. Majeed hopes to pursue a career in
  journalism. Essay quoted from NPR This I
  Believe Archives.

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Use of Sample

• I have used Patels and now Majeeds essay for a
  number of reasons
• Story from high school and/or by a high school
  student
• Story relates to a core ethical value
• Essay is tight and uses well both personal
  narrative and personal reflection.
• Story promotes discussion of content and form.

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The Editing Process

• The Editing process is the key to the Intentional
  essay and is student generated.
• Brainstorm the characteristics of good writing.
• The brainstorming process allows an opportunity
  to review principles of good writing and
  parameters of standard written English.

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On Being a Good NeighborMartin Luther King, Jr.

• To illustrate Intentional writing, I use the
  opening of Martin Luther King Jr.s essay On
  Being a good Neighbor.
• I should like to talk to you about a good man,
  whose exemplary life will always be a flashing
  light to plague the dozing conscience of mankind.
  His goodness was not found in a passive
  commitment to a particular creed, but in the
  active participation in a life-saving deed not
  in a moral pilgrimage that reached its
  destination point, but in the love ethic by which
  he journeyed lifes highway. He was good because
  he was a good neighbor.
• I use this example to demonstrate Kings free
  style and his control. King exemplifies
  intentional writing.
• I typically make copies of the entire essay and
  find time to discuss the Samaritan and the ethics
  of altruism.

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Conclusion

• You now can hear your own voice. Now
• Write with that voice.
• Edit with the criteria you established for good
  writing
• Have another pair of eyes read your final draft
  with attention to spelling and mechanics, but
  without content comment beyond,you are unclear
  here.

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An Essay that Worked

• Madelyn Sullivan graduated VMS in 2005 and
  participated in my first experiment with this
  technique. She wrote the essay on the next
  slides in a flurry of inspiration and forwarded
  it with her application to Bowdoin College after
  self-editing using criteria established for good
  intentional writing.

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An Example

• I voted on November 2nd. As an eighteen year old
  woman in America, I am
• legally allowed to exercise my right to vote.
  Although my heart beat slightly
• fast, and my hands shook unsteadily at the
  polling booth, upon arriving home
• from my first voting experience, I was filled
  with a sense of accomplishment
• and relief. I sat on the couch that night, when
  I picked up a Time magazine and
• began to read an article on Sudan by Massimo
  Calabresi.
• The vast nation of Sudan is divided by
  both religion and culture, but mainly
• ethnicity Arabs and Africans. While all
  citizens of Sudan and African, the
• nomadic tribes of Sudan are referred to as Arabs,
  while the sedentary tribes
• are called Africans.
• The images I saw of the battling Arabs and
  Africans were stark and the
• stories I read were more horrific. The
  Janjaweed, devils on horseback, is an
• Arabic group of local tribes funded by the
  Sudanese government to crush the
• Radical Sudan Liberation Army. The group began
  attacking civilians, claiming

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Page 2

• that they were aiding insurgents. Janjaweed ride
  or fly into African villages,
• firing guns on men and children alike. They rape
  the women, leave most of the
• children, and kill all of the men. These are of
  course loose rules. One woman
• described a Janjaweed rampage A fighter
  unwrapped a swaddling cloth and
• rolled a newborn onto the dirt. The baby was a
  girl so they left her. Then the
• Janjaweed spotted a one-year old boy and decided
  he was a future enemy. In
• front of a group of onlookers, a man tossed the
  boy into the air as another took
• aim and shot him dead.
• Suddenly voting did not seem as important as
  it had minutes earlier.Suddenly
• I didnt want to go to school the next day, but
  fly to Africa and give all my hot
• lunches to a starving family at a refuge camp.
  What surprised me the most,
• however, was a common theme throughout the
  article about the lack of world
• response. We cannot let another Rwanda or
  Holocaust occur while we are

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Page 3

• Alive. Genocide is supposed to be a thing of the
  past. It is a story we read
• about in books or a special we watch on the
  History Channel. Let Sudan be
• the one time the world learned and said never
  again and meant it.
• As I sat on the coach, brimming with tears and
  watching the muted images of
• election results, I felt a desperate sense of
  despair. I had to remind myself that
• I am able to affect what happens in my life.
• I voted on Tuesday. I am a woman. I am
  eighteen. And I had a choice. I am
• lucky, and I have the obligation to help people
  without my same rights. On
• Tuesday, what I voted for will not only affect my
  local and national community,
• but also the world. I am indebted to the
  citizens of countries like Sudan to vote
• for them, to give a voice to the people who
  cannot speak above the gunfire and
• violence in their country.

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Page 4

• I realized then that my trip to the ballot box
  was perhaps not so futile and that I
• would indeed attend school the next day, no
  matter how great my desire to flee
• the country and save the world as a
  self-proclaimed knight-errant. I reminded
• myself that although I am an adult with adult
  responsibilities, I am still in high
• school with plans to go to college. I can only
  hope that the best possible use of
• my time right now is to attend school to better
  educate myself. I can only hope
• that what I learn today will give me the courage
  and the knowledge to stop
• tomorrows holocaust.
• Madylyn Sullivan, November 2004
• Madylyn now attends Bowdoin College.

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Resources

• I came to this format after struggling with the
  question of how much editing is
• appropriate and after listening to This I
  Believe essays on
• countless Monday drives home. I refer you to
  www.npr.org/allthingsconsidered
• or thisibelieve.org.
• On questions of the ethics of editing college
  essays, read Sam
• Pattersons article Philosophically Informed
  Exploring the Ethics of Help in
• The Journal of College Admission, Summer, 2007.

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• The Application Essay in the context of a small,
  selective, writing-intensive liberal arts
  college.

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Common Application Personal Essay

• This personal statement helps us become
  acquainted with you in ways different from
  courses, grades, test scores, and other objective
  data. It will demonstrate your ability to
  organize thoughts and express yourself. We are
  looking for an essay that will help us know you
  better as a person and as a student. Please
  write an essay (250-500 words) on a topic of your
  choice or on one of the options listed below.

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Common Application Signature

• I certify that all information in my application,
  including my Personal Essay, is my own work,
  factually true, and honestly presented.
• ________________________________
• Signature Date

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Kenyon 76
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Voice starts with prewriting 1

• Write down six or seven adjectives you would use
  to describe yourself.
• What have you done in the last month or two
  which has made you proud or which has surprised
  yourself.
• Merge these ideas and just write dont edit
  at this stage, just let the ideas flow.

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Voice prewriting 2

• Where will you be tomorrow at 130 p.m.? Why are
  you there and how do you feel about it?
• What are you looking forward to the most on
  Monday? Why? What are you least looking forward
  to?
• Tell the story of your name

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Whats in a name?

• Oh, to be cursed? To bear the burden of my
  ancestors and be helpless to change my fate! I
  share with my family an affliction not a
  disease, but a name. There is no need to quote
  Shakespeare for me. Ive heard it many timed
  before Whats in a name? That which we call a
  rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.?
  Thats easy for you to say, William. Your name
  isnt Wiener.
• I am a Wiener and, believe me, to grow up with
  such a name can be painful at times. In my early
  years, I suffered countless jeerings as to the
  nature of my surname, mostly of the hot dog and
  frankfurter motif. (It was not until I began
  school that the more colorful images arose.)
  Being a proud little man, I rose to defend my
  name. On most occasions I was pounded furiously.
  Through these altercations, I learned not only
  that I was incompetent in the arena of
  hand-to-hand combat, but also that, if I merely
  ignored the insults, my compatriots would lose
  interest. They did and I was accepted. They
  called me Weenie.
• I was Weenie for my entire childhood. I will
  be the first to admit that, as a nickname,
  Weenie lacked some of the masculine hardness
  found in such classics as Rocky or Tex. Yet,
  I was content. At least as I grew older my
  friends began to approach my name with some humor.

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Whats in a name? (cont)

• Upon my entrance into junior high my curse
  became a blessing. Suddenly everyone found it
  funny and even some of the eighth grade girls
  found it cute. I began my assault on the world
  destined for greatness, armed with a sense of
  humor and the ultimate ice breaker, Hello, my
  name is David Wiener. Yet, it concerned me.
  Could my name impede my ascent? I didnt know a
  congressman or an astronaut named Wiener, nor a
  professional athlete, for that matter. I decided
  to become the first Wiener to achieve some form
  of historical greatness.
• Now that I am entering college, am I on my way
  to fulfillment? Not yet, perhaps, but having
  been a Wiener all these years has given me an
  essential tool with which I may find happiness
  and success. My name has given me a sense of
  humor, not that I have the quick wit of a great
  comedian or the animation of a clown. More
  importantly, being a Wiener has enabled me to
  laugh at myself. Ive learned that to be too
  grave in ones defeats is painful and
  unnecessary. No one can achieve anything great
  without first achieving some failure. I believe
  that a successful man is happy and that a happy
  man is one who can frolic in his successes and
  chuckle at his defeats.
• Whats in a name? I still hear snickers when
  my name is revealed to strangers and, on many
  occasions, I still have trouble convincing others
  of my sincerity when I introduce myself. This,
  however, is a necessary byproduct, of a name for
  which I am thankful. I am a confident Wiener. I
  am a happy Wiener, and if anybody can take a
  joke, I can.

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(No Transcript)
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Hi, my name is Jim

• Hi, my name is Jim, and since brevity is the
  soul of wit, I will meekly attempt to convey to
  you a succinct summary of my ephemeral existence.
  Allow me amnesty as I am often a bit
  alliterative. Time is of the essence throughout
  humankind, and with every word I write, the
  nearly endless ebb of extravagant expressions
  flows like a rushing river, fleeing futilely
  towards an irrelevant ocean. Dam!
• Almost eighteen years ago, I dove headfirst
  into an unknown world. The same as so many
  before me, I was blinded by the splendor of a
  brave new world as I grew physically, mentally,
  and morally. Rapidly I realized physical
  maturity, and much more gradually began to
  realize the latter two. This is not to say that
  I am anywhere near completion of my self, for
  there is much to learn in life and much which I
  will never learn while meandering through this
  soiled sphere.
• I am sorry that I see the glass as half empty
  even though I have hardly sipped lifes luxurious
  liquid. This is my flaw, hopefully not fatal,
  but nonetheless discouraging. I wish I could
  hold on to some transcendental hope, but at this
  point, an afterlife seems to me simply a
  self-deceiving dream, and faith connotes a need
  for something to depend on.

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Hello my name is Jim (cont)

• It is my belief that all humankind is really on
  the same ship. I hesitantly refer to the Bible
  in saying that we are all on the proverbial ark
  in the storm, albeit a dinghy with no
  destination, and increasing numbers of
  individuals grow nauseous with every passing hour
  at sea. Theres that ocean again, and my mind
  and my fingers have drawn my self into a literal
  circle, spiraling like an omnipotent double helix
  out of my control.
• This circle was my choice, however, because it
  is so representative of the human condition. The
  specific circle mentioned in the essay contains
  only its author, but the human circle is very
  real, it is this spiraling sphere we call earth.
• The previous 341 words have been abstract
  opinion and I hope I have presented myself
  clearly. If not, let me bore you a bit longer
  with relative specifics about myself. I dont
  want to sound too controversial so Ill delve
  into the tranquil waters of my personal religion,
  philosophy, and politics. I consider myself to
  be an agnostic existential libertarian. Say that
  three times fast and then think about it. On a
  conventional philosophical spectrum this would
  place me at polar ends, but I would consider this
  manmade device to be a spiraling circle. Theres
  that circle again and here comes a wave of
  white-capped words. Dam it, Jim!

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I HAVE RIDDEN A PIG

• I have ridden a pig.
• Stay with me here. I mean this in the most
  literal sense possible. I. Rode. A Pig.
• I was four. We were visiting Moms family
  friends on their farm. The had a hog that was
  roughly the size of a fridge, if you knocked that
  fridge over and gave it a horrible stink. Moms
  friend thought it would be just grand if I rode
  it awhile. I was smallish, and the hog was
  huge-ish surely this was a no-brainer.
• Im happy to say this story does not end with me
  in a hospital with a fractured spleen and various
  other injuries. I sat on the pig, it leaped
  around a bit, and then I hopped off and went
  inside. My mother smelled me before she saw me.
  I didnt see the problem. I was all right, after
  all. Except for being and I cannot stress this
  enough very, very smelly.
• (I promise I am going somewhere with this.)

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I have ridden a pig (cont)

• My mother has many friends of the farmer
  variety. This is because Mas childhood took
  place in a small, empty tourist town. The house
  was tiny, especially seeing as it was crowded
  with eleven people. This is if you didnt count
  the guns and the dogs. (Many, many guns. A few
  dogs). Your opportunities ranged from toilet
  cleaner to waitress in that town.
• (I promise this essay is going to get to me.)
• From just hearing how my mom started out, you
  wouldnt be able to guess where she is now. It
  turns out mom has this gift for international
  relations. She now works in D.C. at an extremely
  prestigious company whose work I have trouble
  explaining to people. All I can really tell you
  for sure is shes a consultant, shes brilliant,
  and she enjoys her job.
• The point is this life is very much like a pig.
  It is very big, and it is full of life and
  stink. You can just sit there, but letting it go
  along will generally land you in slop. Nobody
  wants slop. Your other option is to grab it by
  the ears and make the crazy bugger go where you
  want. Its harder, but you end up somewhere much
  better. I think my mom, somewhere along the
  line, reached forward and grabbed that life-pig
  by the ears. I think thats awesome. I think
  shes inspired me.

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Finding a summer job One of the problems that
Karl Marx found with the capitalist system was
that many people were forced into occupations
where they could not have pride in their work and
were, because of this, unhappy. I never would
have believed that a Marxist theory could have
any application to a seventeen-year-old student
until this summer, when I had an experience more
grueling than the SATs, more confusing than
James Joyce, more frustrating than a dead car
battery in a Minnesota winter this was the
summer I went job hunting.
So what did I learn from this? I
learned that it is easier to find a job with a
temporary agency because there are fifty people
competing for fifty jobs, rather than fifty
people competing for one job. I learned that
most of my friends who worked at places such as
the ones I applied to, got the job through some
sort of connections. I learned to find work
using the skills and experience I already have.
I learned something about working in an office
this summer, and about the people who try to make
the workplace enjoyable, even if the work itself
is tedious. I learned that most people in
low-paying clerical work do not have pride in
their work, but that they stick with it because
it gives them a purpose, a responsibility, and
even a social environment, and that a group of
people with a task to do, no matter how mundane,
can find a way of having fun. I learned that
Marx was maybe a bit of a pessimist.
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The Application Essay in the context of a
comprehensive, liberal arts college with a large
applicant pool.
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Reading the Sheer Volume of Essays

• 21,000 applications. 14 or 15K have high grade
  points and strong testing (aka, they could do the
  work)
• 20 readers. Reading 25 applications a day/ 6 days
  a week. 50 essays/day- 300 essays/ week.
• What separates students out in this incredibly
  strong applicant pool?
• Personality and Resonance - from extracurricular
  activities, recommendations, interviews and..
  essays

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3 Questions to Ask Before You Even Write the Essay

• Who am I?
• Is this essay about me? Is it reflective?
• Is this essay about me NOW?
• Is this essay in my own voice?
• Does this sounds like me? Like my mother?
• Will my counselor know it is me?
• Does this resonate?
• What do my activities say about me?
• What will my teachers say about me?

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An Example

• I voted on November 2nd. As an eighteen year old
  woman in America, I am
• legally allowed to exercise my right to vote.
  Although my heart beat slightly
• fast, and my hands shook unsteadily at the
  polling booth, upon arriving home
• from my first voting experience, I was filled
  with a sense of accomplishment
• and relief. I sat on the couch that night, when
  I picked up a Time magazine and
• began to read an article on Sudan by Massimo
  Calabresi.
• The vast nation of Sudan is divided by
  both religion and culture, but mainly
• ethnicity Arabs and Africans. While all
  citizens of Sudan and African, the
• nomadic tribes of Sudan are referred to as Arabs,
  while the sedentary tribes
• are called Africans.
• The images I saw of the battling Arabs and
  Africans were stark and the
• stories I read were more horrific. The
  Janjaweed, devils on horseback, is an
• Arabic group of local tribes funded by the
  Sudanese government to crush the
• Radical Sudan Liberation Army. The group began
  attacking civilians, claiming

41
What Would I Write?

• e1 is a mature reflective piece on voting and
  making a difference in the world. Talks about
  voting Darfur. Realizes that college will put
  her on the path to make a difference. I like the
  strong and sensitive person that emerges here.

42
What Would Resonate?

• Maddy has strong convictions and is not afraid to
  follow them. For example.
• She is respected by everyone in the building for
  her compassion and maturity.
• She cares about her community and the greater
  world around her and as the leader of xxx, she
  raises the awareness of her peers.
• Young democrats? Debate? MUN? International
  Relations club? Service? Any leadership?

43
Whats in a name?

• Oh, to be cursed? To bear the burden of my
  ancestors and be helpless to change my fate! I
  share with my family an affliction not a
  disease, but a name. There is no need to quote
  Shakespeare for me. Ive heard it many timed
  before Whats in a name? That which we call a
  rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.?
  Thats easy for you to say, William. Your name
  isnt Wiener.
• I am a Wiener and, believe me, to grow up with
  such a name can be painful at times. In my early
  years, I suffered countless jeerings as to the
  nature of my surname, mostly of the hot dog and
  frankfurter motif. (It was not until I began
  school that the more colorful images arose.)
  Being a proud little man, I rose to defend my
  name. On most occasions I was pounded furiously.
  Through these altercations, I learned not only
  that I was incompetent in the arena of
  hand-to-hand combat, but also that, if I merely
  ignored the insults, my compatriots would lose
  interest. They did and I was accepted. They
  called me Weenie.
• I was Weenie for my entire childhood. I will
  be the first to admit that, as a nickname,
  Weenie lacked some of the masculine hardness
  found in such classics as Rocky or Tex. Yet,
  I was content. At least as I grew older my
  friends began to approach my name with some humor.

44
What Would I Write?

• e1 is a funny piece about his last name. if
  anyone can take a joke, he can. full of
  metaphors and self-deprecating humor but not sure
  what we get out of this essay. He writes well and
  with enthusiasm but there is no take home.

45
What Would Resonate?

• Great sense of humor
• Other students enjoy his presence in class
• He think outside of the box and pushes learning
  in the classroom.
• Verbose in class discussion and in writing.

46
Bibliography and Acknowledgements

• National Public Radio. All Things Considered,
  This I Believe Archives.
• Patel, Ebbo. We Are Each Others Business. The
  Interfaith Youth Core. Chicago.
• Majeed, Kamaal, Being Content with Myself
  AlL Things Considered, May 7, 2007.
• King, Martin Luther, Jr. On Being a Good
  Neighbor.
• Fiske, Edward R. and Bruce Hammond. Fiske Real
  College Essays that Work. Sourcebooks, Inc.,
  Naperville, Illinois. 2006.
• Sullivan, Madelyn. I Voted on November 2nd.
  Bowdoin College.
• Lapote, Phillip. The Art of the Personal Essay.
• The Fourth Genre
• Patterson, Sam, The San Diego Writing Project.
  The University of California _at_ San Diego.