In-Class Essays

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In-Class Essays
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Review the Prompt
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Surveillance is Necessary

• Believe me, merchants don't like monitoring
  their customers to prevent theft, but they know
  that it's a matter of economic survival.
  Merchants know that closely watching customers is
  bad public relations if done crudely. However,
  the retail industry loses over 31.3 billion
  dollars every year, and shoplifting represents
  about one-third of that. Customer surveillance is
  limited to the public areas where there is no
  expectation of privacy as opposed to inside
  fitting rooms and restrooms that are considered
  private areas. If trained professionals do the
  surveillance properly, most people will never
  realize they have been observed while shopping.
  And since people from certain communities are
  more likely to shoplift than others, it's not
  surprising that loss prevention personnel keep a
  close watch on them. Certain groups simply harbor
  more lawbreakers, and while in theory security
  personnel should keep a watchful eye on everyone,
  the reality is that they need to focus their
  attention where it will pay off. The fact that
  certain ethnic groups are over-represented in
  arrest statistics shows that targeting them for
  increased police scrutiny is a smart business
  move and should be at the core of every business
  security policy.Explain White's argument and
  discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree
  with his analysis and conclusion. Support your
  position, providing reasons and examples from
  your own readings, observations, and experiences.

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Outline

• Readings
• Observations
• Experiences

• Surveillance is rampant
• Blink Your Eyes
• Hounding
• Surveillance angers people
• WWYD
• News
• Surveillance is futile
• Experiences in retail
• Friends experiences

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My intro

• How do you act when no one is watching? The
  idea that someone is always watching is an idea
  that has been on the forefront of many
  discussions of current events. Surveillance
  occurs in many situations in life, and
  oftentimes, one might not even be aware that
  surveillance is taking place. In his article
  Surveillance is Necessary, Dan White argues
  that surveillance in stores based on or informed
  by ethnicity is a smart business move. However,
  I disagree with Dan Whites argument because in
  my readings, observations, and experiences, I
  have found that surveillance causes rampant
  racism, anger in people both in and out of those
  ethnic groups, and is futile because one person
  is just as likely to steal as the next person,
  regardless of race.

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How your papers are graded

• We read every essay alongside of the CSU rubric
  and determined where the essay fell on the 1-6
  scale
• We then assigned point values based on an A-F
  scale for each number on the 1-6 scale
• I went back and converted the 1-6 according to
  the point scale devised

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How I thought in general

• 1 you attempted to answer the question
• 2 you had a structured essay that neglected the
  actual prompt
• 3 you had a structured essay that began to
  answer the prompt but lost sight of it or lost
  sight of the organization along the way
• 4 you had a structured essay that answered the
  prompt, but there was often a flaw in the
  intro/thesis, or you lost sight of the prompt and
  got back to it later on in your essay
• 5 you had a structured essay that answered the
  prompt, but could have been developed more

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Points

• The essay itself is out of 50 points.
• You also received up to 5 points for your
  pre-thinking/outlining on the back of the prompt.
• Point total 55 points
• 50-55 A
• 49-44 B
• 43-39 C
• 38-33 D
• 32 and lower F

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Please review the sample essays attached to your
copies of the rubric. Assign a grade to each
sample essay and note that grade in your journal.
DO NOT write on the essays themselves!
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Sample Essays

• Sample 1 2
• Does not fully address the prompt, lacking
  organization, very brief and not detailed at all.
• Sample 2 5
• Detailed, organized, addresses the prompt.
• Sample 3 3
• Addresses the prompt, but is missing a proper
  intro and overall organization. Also very brief.
• Sample 4 4-
• Lacks the experiences but addresses the prompt,
  lays out organization in the intro, and sticks
  with it throughout the essay. Also brings Dan
  White back into the conclusion.

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Journal 34
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Journal 34

• Reflect on your grade. Copy down at least one of
  the comments made on your essay. What can you do
  to improve your essay? What were your strengths?
  What will you do differently on the next in-class
  essay (i.e. spend more time outlining, manage
  your time better, etc.)

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Number Breakdown

• 6 0
• 5 6
• 4 16
• 3 40
• 2 22
• 1 15
• Total number of students 99

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Common Issues
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The biggest issue!

• INTRO, INTRO, INTRO
• Your intro sets the tone for your ENTIRE paper!
  Just reading the intro is a near-perfect
  indicator of how the paper as a whole will score.
• Remember, HOOK ? IVF ? Thesis

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• Businesses provide a very easy, carefree
  shopping experience for customers. But when
  certain shoppers take advantage of this kind act
  of the retailers, businesses must take action to
  protect their items for sale. Therefore, Dan
  White was completely correct when stating,
  Certain groups simply harbor more lawbreakers,
  and while in theory security personnel should
  keep a watchful eye on everyone, the reality is
  that they need to focus their attention where it
  pays off.
• Does not explain Dan Whites argument, only
  copies it!

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• Opening up a business requires owners to come
  across a copious amount of issues in which they
  are forced to make smart decisions in order to
  maintain a successful workplace. In Dan Whites
  opinion, he claims that achieving this success
  can be possible by targeting certain ethnic
  groups for increased police scrutiny. Although
  our society sees racial profiling as unethical,
  Whites claim is certainly true based on my
  experiences working at a clothing store, several
  readings of articles, and simply maintaining a
  successful business.
• Yay!

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Another common issue

• Losing the organization of the essay mid-way
  through
• Your introduction SHOULD provide an outline for
  the rest of your essay. If your intro is off, the
  whole paper will be off. Lay out an outline in
  your thesis and stick to it!

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Sample of a well-organized paper

• Opening up a business requires owners to come
  across a copious amount of issues in which they
  are forced to make smart decisions in order to
  maintain a successful workplace. In Dan Whites
  opinion, he claims that achieving this success
  can be possible by targeting certain ethnic
  groups for increased police scrutiny. Although
  our society sees racial profiling as unethical,
  Whites claim is certainly true based on my
  experiences working at a clothing store, several
  readings of articles and by simply maintaining a
  successful business.

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• Paragraph 2 experiences with Surveillance
  while working at clothing store
• Paragraph 3 Information in Racial Profiling
  about taxi drivers surveillance
• Paragraph 4 31.3 billion dollars lost in
  businesses due to theft and the need for
  surveillance to keep a successful business

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• In short, racial profiling in businesses are
  necessary in order to achieve a successful
  workplace. This concept is demonstrated clearly
  by my experiences working at a clothing store,
  readings of articles and simply by maintaining a
  business. Dan White should be commended for his
  accurate assessment.
• Re-addresses the items in the Introduction, wraps
  it up nicely, and brings it full-circle with a
  re-mention of Dan White!

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Another Big Issue

• Proofreading!!
• The following are actual examples from essays
  read

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WAYS TO SPELL Surveillance ?

• survalince
• surveyance
• servallance
• survailance
• suvailence
• surveliance
• survilence

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• In Bob Herberts artical Hounding the Innocent
  he shares the stiticts of 45,000 people but more
  over total number of arrests madewas less then
  10,000. So if they would of done these random
  searches their could have been 10,000 people with
  something illegal roaming the city. Although this
  may have already caught you eye it is a fact that
  business loose 1/3 of their profit to
  shoplifters.

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• For instance, In my opinion, at times for a store
  it is ok to profile someone, and what I really
  mean is that if someone comes into a store with
  baggy clothes, looks suspicious, and is walking
  around looking at things clearly. Well then, yeah
  I would be paying much more attention to that
  person, than a nice lady who comes in to buy
  something.

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• First off shop lifting is super bad for business.
  The retail industry loses over 31.3 billion
  dollars every year. Losing all this money could
  reslut in dept. stores in the mall buy a certain
  amount of money for renting the space there store
  is it there consistly losing money and dont end
  up having enough for rent they go out of
  business.

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• From personal experiences such as watching my
  brother-in-law be racially profiled, Susys
  encounter with profiling, and Bob Herberts
  Hounding the Innocent are all clear example of
  why exploding a single ethnic group is wrong.

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10 Words to Stop Misspelling
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Your correct usage of this word will determine
whether or not we keep studying grammar.
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I went to the store, then I went to school. Id
rather go to the store than go to school
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Your Assignment

• Revise your essays!
• Can be typed or handwritten
• Revise to include all of the missing elements in
  your first submission, especially proper
  introductions!!
• PROOFREAD, PROOFREAD, PROOFREAD!
• EVERYONE must submit a revised essay, regardless
  of your score
• Due Monday, November 14th!