CMN 145 Gender and Family Communication North Seattle Communication

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CMN 145Gender and Family CommunicationNorth
Seattle Communication

• Emotions and CommunicationOnline lecture

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Emotions and Communication
Can we be emotionally intelligent? According to
Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional
Intelligence, we can.
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What is Emotional Intelligence?

• Being in touch with your feelings
• Dealing with emotions without being overcome by
  them
• Not letting setbacks and disappointments derail
  you
• Channeling your feelings to assist you in
  achieving your goals
• Being able to understanding how others feel
  without their needing to spell it out for you
  
• Listening to your and others feelings so you can
  learn from them
• Having a strong yet realistic sense of optimism

Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence
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Goleman says

• Emotional Intelligence is more than
  understanding your own feelings. It also entails
  skill is expressing your feelings constructively.

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What are emotions?

• According to communication scholar Julia T.
  Wood, emotions are basic to human beings and
  communication. They are also hard to define. A
  growing number of scholars think that most or all
  emotions are socially constructed to a
  substantial degree. For example, we learn when
  and for what to feel guilty or proud. Most
  scholars believe we experience holistically, not
  individually (we feel a cluster of emotions).

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How do we define emotions?

• Emotions are processes that are shaped by
  physiology, perceptions, language, and social
  experiences. All of these elements interact
  continuously to shape our experience of emotions.
  There are different theories of emotions

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How do we define emotions
Physiological Influences This view of emotions
was advanced by philosopher William James (1890)
and Carl Lange (1922). The physiological view
asserts that when an event occurs we respond
physiologically, and only after that do we
experience the emotion. Example Take out a
half a sheet of paper. The physiological
response theory views emotions as instinctual
responses to physiological arousal caused by
external stimuli
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How do we define emotions
Perceptional Influences This theory asserts that
subjective perceptions shape what external
phenomena mean to us. In other words, external
events only gain meaning as we attribute
significance to them. Example raised fist as a
threat.
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How do we define emotions
Social Influences The society and communities in
which we live affect what we perceive (and dont
perceive) and how we interpret, organize, and
respond to what we perceive. Example By age 3,
95 of Chinese parents report that their
children understand the meaning of shame, whereas
only 10 of US parents report this (Shaver,
Schwartz, Kirson OConnor, 1987).  
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How do we effectively communicate emotions?
A. Framing Rules Framing rules define the
emotional meaning of situations. For instance in
western culture, funerals are sad events and
weddings are happy occasions.
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How do we effectively communicate emotions?
B. Feeling Rules Feeling rules tell us what we
have a right to feel or what we are expected to
feel in particular situations. Feeling rules
reflect and perpetuate the values of a specific
society and the roles assigned to particular
groups in that society
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How do we effectively communicate emotions?
B. Feeling Rules For example, societies that
emphasize individuality promote the feeling rule
that it is appropriate to feel pride in personal
accomplishments. Researcher Hochschild perceives
a strong connection between feeling rules and
social order. She claims that one way a society
attempts to control people is through feeling
rules that uphold broad social values and
structures. Hochschild notes that there are
differences in the feeling rules that families
teach children. .
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How do we effectively communicate emotions?
C. Emotion Work Hochschild asserts that there is
an effort generated when we think about what
feelings are appropriate in particular
situations. Although we do emotion work much of
the time, we tend to be most aware of engaging in
it when we think our feelings might be
inappropriate in specific situations. Typically
what we think we should feel is based on what
weve learned from our social groups and the
larger culture. .
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Reasons Why We May Not Express Emotions
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Reasons Why We May Not Express Emotions

• Social Expectations Social factors shape
  feelings and expression of them.
• Vulnerability We dont want to give others
  information that could affect how they perceive
  us.
• c. Protecting Others We fear we could hurt or
  upset others.
• d. Social and Professional Roles It may be
  inappropriate within the social context based on
  your role.

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Ineffective Expressions of Emotions

• a. Speaking in Generalities I feel sad. Im
  happy. Im sad. Statements such as these do
  express emotional sates, but they do so
  ineffectively because they are so general and
  abstract that they dont clearly communication
  what it is the speaker feels.

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Ineffective Expressions of Emotions

• b. Not Owning Feelings By stating feelings in a
  way that disowns personal responsibility for the
  feeling. You make me angry versus I feel
  angry when you dont call when you say you will.
  Even more effective I feel angry when you
  dont call when you say you will. Would you be
  willing to call if we agree that its okay for
  calls to be short sometimes? This statement
  accepts responsibility for a feeling,
  communicates clearly what is felt, and offers a
  solution that could help the relationship.

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Ineffective Expressions of Emotions

• c. Counterfeit Emotional Language This is
  language that seems to express emotions but does
  not actually describe what a person is feeling.
  For example, shouting Why cant you leave me
  alone! certainly reveals that the speaker is
  feeling something, but it doesnt describe what
  she or he is feeling.  
• Its also counterfeit (and unproductive) to
  not explain feelings. Thats just how I feel
  doesnt tell a person how their behavior is
  related to your feelings or what you would like
  him or her to do.

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Guidelines for Communicating Emotions Clearly
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Guidelines for Communicating Emotions Clearly

• a. To become more aware of your emotions Identify
  your emotions, give mindful attention to your
  inner self. Just as people learn to ignore their
  feelings, we can teach ourselves to notice and
  heed them. When sorting out intermingled feelings
  its useful to identify the primary or main
  feeling.

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Guidelines for Communicating Emotions Clearly

• b. Choose how to communicate your emotions Once
  you know what you feel, you consider how to
  express your emotions. The choice facing you is
  whether you want to communicate your emotions to
  particular people. Sometimes it is wise and
  compassionate not to tell how you feel. If you
  decide you want to communicate your emotions

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Guidelines for Communicating Emotions Clearly

• c. Evaluate your current state. (According to
  Daniel Goleman it takes about 20 minutes for us
  to cleanse our minds and bodies of anger.)
• d.   Decide to whom you want to express your
  feelings. Choosing someone else to express your
  emotions to can allow you to vent without
  imposing them on others who might be hurt.

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Guidelines for Communicating Emotions Clearly

• e.   Select an appropriate time to discuss
  feelings. Most of us are not able to respond
  appropriately when we are preoccupied, defensive,
  stressed, rushed or tired.
• f.   Select a setting for discussing feelings.

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Guidelines for Communicating Emotions Clearly

• g. Own your feelings When we use I language to
  describe how we feel when another person behaves
  in a particular way, we allow the other person to
  listen thoughtfully and respond sensitively to
  our expression of emotion.
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• h. Monitor your self-talk tuning into your
  self-talk and learning to monitor it helps you
  manage your emotions.

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Guidelines for Communicating Emotions Clearly

• i. Respond Sensitively When Others
  Communicate Emotions Try not to respond to
  anothers feelings with generalities (Youll
  feel better when you get this in perspective.)
  or solve another persons problem or make the
  feeling go away. Helping another solve a problem
  may be appreciated, but usually its not the
  first support a person needs when she or he is
  expressing a strong emotion. What many people
  need first is just the freedom to express what
  they are feeling to others.
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Material for this PowerPoint excerpted from Julia
T. Wood, Interpersonal Communication Everyday
Encounters, Emotions and Communication, chapter
7.