Stresses and Strains

1
Stresses and Strains

• Is jealousy a good test of love?
• Can we lie to our partners and get away with it?
• How can we deal with betrayal?

2
Jealousy

• The negative emotional experience that results
  from the potential loss of a valued relationship
  to a real or imagined rival
• Envy a humiliating longing for another persons
  possessions
• Characterized by feelings of
• Hurt
• Fear
• Anger

3

• An expression of love?
• How would you feel if you couldnt make your
  partner jealous?
• Do you think jealousy is a good test of love?

4
Types of jealousy

• Reactive response to an realistic threat,
  whether in the past, current, or anticipated in
  the future
• Survey of 700 American college students
• Most reported having dated, kissed or slept with
  someone else while they were in a serious
  romantic relationship (Wiederman Hurd, 1999)
• Suspicious ones partner has not misbehaved and
  ones suspicions do not fit the facts
• paranoia
• Mixture

5
Who is prone to jealously?

• Dependency low CLalt
• Feelings of inadequacy
• mate value attractiveness, wealth, talent
• Adhering to traditional gender roles (macho men
  and feminine women)
• Rules of these relationships are very strict
• Great dismay if they are broken

6
Who gets us jealous?

• Rivals with high mate values who make us look bad
  in comparison
• Rivals who have surpassed us in accomplishments
• Men are more jealous of men who are
  self-confident, dominant, and resourceful
• Women are more jealous of women who are prettier
  than they are
• Evolutionary psychology

7
What gets us jealous?

• Men sexual infidelity
• Women emotional infidelity
• Evolutionary perspective
• Men paternal uncertainty
• Men might think that women can love someone
  without having sex
• Women fear of abandonment (resources)
• Women might think sex can occur without an
  emotional attachment

8
Responses to jealousy

• Imagine you are at a party and you leave your
  romantic partner sitting on a couch alone while
  you refill your drinks.
• While youre gone, your partners old boyfriend
  or girlfriend happens by and sits for a moment.
  They share a light kiss of greeting as you return
  with the drinks.
• How do you respond?

9

• Men try to protect their egos
• Plan to get drunk
• Confront and threaten the rival
• Resolve to pursue other women
• Women seek to improve the relationship
• Put on a show of indifference
• Compete by making themselves look more attractive
  
• (Shettel-Neuber, Bryson, Young, 1978)

10

• Women are more likely than men to try to get
  their partners jealous to test the relationship
  or elicit more attention and commitment from
  their partners (White, 1980a)
• The problem is that men do not typically react to
  jealousy in this way

11
Ways to cope with jealousy

• Self-reliance try to avoid feeling angry or
  embarrassed by refusing to dwell on the
  unfairness of the situation
• Self-bolstering giving a boost to ones
  self-esteem by doing something nice for oneself
  and thinking about ones good qualities
• (Salovey Rodin, 1988)

12
Deception and lying

• Intentional behavior that creates an impression
  to the recipient that the deceiver knows is false
  
• Ways to deceive
• Lying
• Concealing info/leaving out details
• Diverting attention away from vital
  facts/changing subjects

13
Lying

• College students report lying to 1 out of every 3
  people they interact with (DePaulo et al., 1996)
• Adults lie to about 1 in 5
• The most common type of lie is one that benefits
  the liar
• But one-fourth of lies are told to benefit others

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• People tell fewer lies to their lovers and
  friends than strangers or acquaintances
• Spouses are more likely to conceal information
  and less likely to make explicitly false
  statements that partners in other relationships
• But when partners do tell lies about topics that
  could destroy their relationships, they tell them
  more often to their closest partners (DePaulo,
  Ansfield, Kirkendol, Boden, 2000)

15
Who lies?

• People who are gregarious and sociable, and are
  more concerned with the impressions they make on
  others tend to tell more lies (Kashy DePaulo,
  1996)
• Lies to attractive targets of the opposite sex
  told to make a good impression are more
  transparent than lies to unattractive targets

16
Detecting lies

• Lies are usually detected through nonverbal
  behavior
• Liars speak hesitantly
• Speak in a higher pitched voice
• Blink more
• Also, make more grammatical errors
• Mismatches between body language and tones of
  voice

17

• Intimate partners usually have a truth bias
• They assume their partners are usually telling
  the truth
• Thus, people are confident their spouses are
  telling the truth, but not necessarily accurate
• As relationships become more intimate and trust
  increases, accuracy actually declines (McCornack
  Parks, 1990)

18
Consequences of lying

• Violation of shared expectations of honesty and
  trust
• May contribute to unwarranted suspicion and doubt
• May be viewed as an act of betrayal

19
Betrayal

• If your partner cheated on you, but your
  relationship was very satisfying, would you want
  to know about it?
• Why?

20
What is betrayal?

• Hurtful actions by people we trusted and from
  whom we did not expect such treachery
• Examples
• Sexual or emotional infidelity
• Lying
• Revealing secrets
• Breaking promises
• Failing to support ones partner
• Abandoning the relationship
• What hurts our feelings is the realization that
  our partners do not love or respect us as much as
  we thought they did

21

• Betrayal is a common event in close relationships
• There are the competing demands of having many
  close relationships
• May have loyalties to many people and be unable
  to keep them all

22
Individual differences in betrayal

• Higher scores on the interpersonal betrayal scale
  were found for students majoring in the social
  sciences, education, and humanities (Jones and
  Burdette, 1994)
• Less frequent among those who are older, better
  educated, and religious
• Men are more likely to betray their romantic
  partners and business associates
• Women are more likely to betray their friends and
  family

23
Coping with betrayal

• Perpetrators tend to think their behavior was
  harmful only half the time
• 1 in 5 think it actually improved the
  relationship
• 93 of people who suffer betrayal thinks its
  harmful (Jones Burdette, 1994)
• Betrayal is often the central complaint of
  spouses seeking therapy or a divorce

24

• Better coping when one faces that the betrayal
  happened
• Use it as impetus for personal growth
• Rely on friends for support
• Fare less well when people deny it happened,
  wallow in bitterness, or resort to drugs or
  alcohol
• Forgiveness may be the key to making the
  relationship continue
• Helped by an apology from the betrayer and
  empathy on behalf of the victim

25
Unfaithful Questions

• Why do you think Diane Lane has an affair? Why
  does she continue it?
• Do you think it was a good idea for Richard Gere
  to confront her lover? Is his reaction justified?