SIBLINGS

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SIBLINGS

• Geoff Bowen
• Psychologist, Statewide Vision Resource Centre

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Aims of Presentation

• Discuss the effects on children of having a
  brother or sister with a disability/special need.
  
• Provide information about some of the likely
  concerns and feelings of siblings and some
  practical ideas for parents about how best to
  support siblings.
• Parents quality of life and its importance in
  the wellbeing of all their children.
• How to promote resilience in yourself and your
  children.

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Children and Emotions

• Children make decisions in the same way and for
  the generally the same reasons that adults do.
• People are disturbed not by things, but by the
  views which they take of them. (Epictetus)

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Emotions

• Manage your emotions or they will manage you.
• You cant manage your life until you manage your
  emotions. Lynn Clark (2002).

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• Not all siblings will experience negative
  feelings towards their brother or sister with a
  disability. Some children adjust well, while
  others have a more difficult time. Some children
  may even appear to be coping well but there may
  be some signs that they are feeling stressed by
  the situation, for example, they may lose their
  temper easily, withdraw, have nightmares or show
  clingy behaviour. There may also be different
  reactions depending on whether the sibling is
  younger or older than the child with the
  disability. (Siblings, CCA document)

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Concerns of Siblings

• Anger, jealousy, resentment and embarrassment.
• Guilt.
• Fear, loneliness and grief.
• Frustration.

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Concerns of Siblings

• Pressure from parents.
• Overburdened with responsibilities.
• Worry about the future.
• Desire to compensate their parents for their
  siblings disability.

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Danger, Danger, Danger

• When I had a disabled child my right to a
  happy and fulfilled life was over. I must
  completely sacrifice myself to my disabled child
  because I was the one that gave them life and I
  am responsible for it.

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Parents and Quality of Life

• If parents have the best quality of life they
  can, while still being responsible and caring
  parents, they can more easily handle the problems
  that can occur having a disabled child. If
  parents are functioning well they tend to do the
  things that effective parents do.  Looking after
  yourself helps all of your children. Emotionally
  healthy people have a reasonable degree of self
  interest!

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Managing Your Emotions

• soothing and calming ourselves when upset
• practicing self control
• managing anger
• controlling impulses
• expressing emotions at the right time and place
• avoiding sustained anxiety, anger and depression

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• handling inevitable defeats and setbacks
• preventing negative emotions from dominating our
  judgement and problem solving
• tolerating frustration
• accepting and valuing ourselves (Lyn Clark,2002)

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Emotional Intelligence

• Knowing our emotions.
• Managing our emotions.
• Recognising emotions in others.
• Managing relationships with others.
• Motivating ourselves to achieve our goals.

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Focus on the sibling

• Give them individual time.
• Respite for them.
• Encouragement and praise.
• ACKNOWLEDGE ALL of children's FEELINGS about
  their siblings with special needs.
• Model and develop their abilities to manage their
  emotions especially when faced with lifes
  difficulties.

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2. Realistic expectations and support

• They are children or young people.
• Involve them in decision making.
• Avoid comparisons among siblings even positive
  ones.
• Encourage out of family activities.

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• Have equal standards of behaviour.
• Focus on children's ABILITIES rather than
  DISABILITIES Encourage ABILITIES
• Stop worrying about spending EQUAL time with
  children, focus on individual needs and showing
  children that they are loved UNIQUELY.

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Listen to your child and encourage
open communication

• Dont just hear what they say listen to them.
• Recognise and validate their feelings.
• Share your own feelings.
• Discuss with them ways to cope with their
  feelings about dealing with their sibling.
• Outside professional assistance may be necessary.

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Provide Information

• Provide accurate and clear information about
  their sibling.
• Make the information developmentally appropriate.
• Discuss future responsibilities.
• Discuss their risks in relation to the
  disability.

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When To Seek Help

• If sibling rivalry gets out of hand or parents
  see signs of depression or anxiety, counselling
  may be in order for children or the family. Watch
  for sleep or appetite disturbance, hopelessness,
  poor concentration, low self-esteem, talk of
  hurting oneself, loss of interest in activities,
  frequent crying or worrying, difficulty
  separating from parents, perfectionism, or what
  can be physical symptoms of emotional distress
  (headaches or stomach aches).

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Elements of Resilience

• To overcome adversity children, youth and
  adults need to draw from three sources of
  resilience
• I HAVE, I AM AND I CAN.

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I Have

• People around me I trust and who love me, no
  matter what.
• People who set limits for me so I know when to
  stop before there is danger or trouble.
• People who show me how to do things right by the
  way they do things.
• People who want me to learn to do things on my
  own.
• People who help me when I am sinking, in danger,
  or need to learn.

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I Am

• A PERSON WHO CAN LIKE OR LOVE
• Glad to do nice things for others and show my
  concern.
• Respectful of others and myself.        
• Willing to be responsible for what I do. 
• A person who can manage my emotions even when
  faced with severe challenge. (Geoff Bowen)

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I Can

• Talk to others about things that frighten or
  bother me.
• Find ways to solve the problems I face.
• Control myself when I feel like doing something
  not right or dangerous.
• Figure out when it is a good time to talk to
  someone or take action.
• Find someone to help me when I need it.
• (What Families Taught Us About Resilience- Edith
  Grotberg)

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Outcomes for Siblings

• Despite the potential problems, being the
  sibling of a special-needs child can have
  plusses. Research indicates they're more likely
  to develop such positive traits as maturity,
  social competence, ability to get along with
  others, insight, empathy, tolerance of
  differences between people, pride in family
  accomplishments and loyalty.They have more
  negative issues to deal with but they have
  opportunity for personal growth and character
  development.(Siblings Without Rivalry, by Adele
  Faber and Elaine Mazlish)

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Danger, Other Parenting Myths

• If I make a mistake, it will always affect my
  child.
• As a parent, I have the power to make my children
  do whatever I want and the responsibility to make
  them do whats right.

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Parenting Myths

• My children cause my unhappiness, so they must
  change for me to feel better.
• Children are naturally undisciplined and behave
  like wild animals. Parents must beat them into
  shape to make them civilized.
• It is my responsibility to solve my childrens
  problems and to protect them from lifes threats.

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