What Do You Say When You Cant Say Yes

1
What Do You Say? (When You Cant Say Yes)

• The Influence and Nuance of Redirective Language
• Presented by Mark Warren
• Texas Association of Counties
• Austin, Texas
• May, 2008

2
Class Objectives

• No one likes to hear the word no. Yet
  sometimes, thats part of our job. So, how do we
  maintain the adult in us, even under the worst
  of conditions?
• The fundamentals of T.A., P-A-C skills and
  practice.
• Strive to maintain professional, not personal
  face.
• Treat your public like customers, not violators.
• Work to build trust, accentuate the positive and
  redirect the behavior, rather than punish Whale
  Done!
• Create experiences with good outcomes.
• Neutralize their fight or flight response.
• Professional responses, not personal reactions.

3
The 20,000 Warm-Up

• Things that bounce.
• Beatles songs.
• Things that are oval.
• Things that have a handle.
• Things that last for a long time.
• Things a bowling pin might say.

4
One great truth Conflict is the energy that
holds relationship together.

• Good or enhancing Conflict behaviors
• Trust
• Commitment
• Participation
• Co-creation
• Effective communication
• Empathy
• Understanding
• Honesty and congruence
• Being present

• Bad or depleting conflict behaviors
• Lying
• Narcissism
• Withholding
• Withdrawing
• Blaming/doubting
• Sabotage others/self
• Manipulation
• Control
• Victimstance
• Martyrdom

5
A Review of Parent, Adult and Child, 101

• The Transactional Analysis Theory of Resolving
  Conflict from Games People Play by Dr. Eric
  Berne

6
From time to time, people show noticeable
changes

• Posture, voice, viewpoint and vocabulary changes.
• Changes create a shift in feeling.
• Social stimuli creates a new person or ego
  state.
• Stuff happens The last thing I needed
• Defense mechanisms to combat stress, pressure or
  attack.
• Ego states have more common names Parent,
  Adult and Child

7
Characteristics of P-A-C

• This is your parent means
• You are now in the same state of mind
• Something turns you into your Mom or Dad.
• Parents are
• Self-referential
• Personal, possessive pronouns (I, me and my)
• Authoritarian Im
• What are some things your parents used to say?
• Parental postures are dangerous in potential
  conflict.

8
Child characteristics

• This is your child means
• The manner and intent of your reaction
• Natural vs. adapted child?
• Children are
• Selfish
• Personal, possessive pronouns especially my
• Short-term thought process
• Child postures create super parents examples?

9
Adult characteristics

• This is your adult means
• You have just made
• Adults are
• Autonomous
• Objective
• Non-prejudicial
• Responsive, not reactive
• Plural, possessive pronouns (we, us and our)
• Generates empathy
• Adult postures are calming and non-threatening
  listen, empathize, ask.

10
Often, when an authority figure speaks to
another, it comes out

• P P
• A A
• C C

11
Parents tend to create Children

• P P
• A A
• C C

12
A Picture of Conflict

• P P
• A A
• C C

13
The Most Effective Way to Resolve Conflict is as
an Adult

• P P
• A A
• C C

14
Exercise 1

• You cant make me!
• What kind of idiot are you?
• Why cant I have it? Why??
• I dont have to do a ____ thing you say!
• What were you thinking?
• Id really love to date, but just not you.

15
Conclusion -

• A Modern Parable

16
There once was a great Navy ship that sailed the
high seas
17
Somewhere in the distance one night, the Helmsman
saw a faint light
18
The Signalman quickly sent the following message

• Please divert your course 15 degrees to the
  north to avoid a collision.

19
The light responded

• Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to
  the south to avoid a collision.

20
Angered with the response, the Captain took over

• I am the Captain of a U.S. Navy vessel. I have
  12 years at sea, and 6 years in combat. I say
  again, divert your course!

21
As the light got bigger, it sent this response

• I am a Seaman Second class, with 17 months 10
  days experience, and I say again divert your
  course immediately!

22
The furious Captain shot back

• Son, this is the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, the
  second largest ship in the U.S. Navy Atlantic
  fleet. We are accompanied by 3 destroyers, 3
  cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand
  that you change your course 15 degrees north,
  thats one-five degrees north, or
  counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the
  safety of this ship! Is that clear?

23
The light, now very large and looming, replied

• Captain, this is a lighthouse. Your call sir