Treating Marital Problems with Pastoral Counseling

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Treating Marital Problems with Pastoral
Counseling

• C. Jeffrey Terrell, Ph.D., M.Div., President,
  Psychological Studies Institute

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Introduction

• Marriage problems are perhaps the most common
  thing that youll see in your pastoral
  counseling, and they are also potentially the
  most threatening and difficult to deal with.
• Research has consistently documented that marital
  distress is the most common problem presented to
  pastors.
• Another major concern is a divorce rate that is
  continuing to accelerate, both inside and outside
  the church.

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Introduction

• Part of problem is that youll hear two
  perspectives, and both will be equally logical
  and coherent, making perfect sense. The danger, I
  think, is choosing either side, no matter what
  else you may think or perceive.

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Introduction

• Your authors define pastoral counseling as
  disciple-making. In many ways, that is one of
  the significant functions that takes place in
  marriage, too.
• These functions come together in pastoral marital
  counseling, where you can enable this couples
  growth in ways that will make a more significant
  impact in their lives than perhaps anything else
  you do.
• Help them to understand love as an exercise of
  the will, a volitional choice that is under their
  control.
• This choice is to value ones spouse, and to
  avoid devaluing him/her. (This may seem odd, but
  much of the research in marriage counseling seems
  to suggest that these are separate processes. One
  can value a spouse, but behave in ways that
  devalue him/her at the same time.)

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Introduction

• Your authors define pastoral counseling as
  disciple-making. In many ways, that is one of
  the significant functions that takes place in
  marriage, too.
• When we dont feel valued, two responses are
  possible
• A response in the flesh, which results in
• Negative emotions.
• Desperate search for validation and significance.
• Withdrawal from the struggle.
• Blame (spouse, self, God).

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Introduction

• The solution to marriage problems is to decrease
  their devaluing, and increase their valuing of
  one another. Pastors do this in many ways, but
  particularly in the following ways
• Connecting people within a fiath community to
  experience a new kind of honesty and acceptance
  that will bring healing and community.
• Modeling healthy marital relationships (if
  married). This is essential, and cannot be
  overemphasized. It is also incredibly difficult
  to manage this is the best gift you will ever
  give yourself.
• Behaving in loving and valuing ways toward people
  (staff, members, outsiders).
• Dealing with the marital concerns presented in
  counseling in a systematic and positive manner.

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Encounter Stage

• Session One
• Structure counseling
• Length.
• Beliefs about counseling.
• Beliefs about marriage and purposes.
• Provide hope.
• Create emotional connection.
• Promote agreement on tasks and goals.

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Encounter Stage

• Session One
• Boundaries
• Discuss different roles.
• Emphasize necessity of outside work.
• Be very clear about your expectations of them.

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Encounter Stage

• Session One
• Initial Assessment
• Here are the things you need to assess
• Spiritual life
• Faith commitment.
• Maturity in terms of age and genuine development.
• Participation in the body.
• View of marriage
• Commitment to marriage.
• Maturity about change process and requirements.
• Participation in relationship.

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Engagement Stage

• Session Two (after first finishing any tasks not
  completed in session one)
• History (continued really)
• Share your rational for taking this history
• Three primary areas of concern
• Families of origin
• Begin here. Less threatening, allows to examine
  model.
• Find out about relationship of parents,
  discipline, emotions, decision-making, anger.
• Watch for patterns (even in extended family).
• Major dating relationships may be explored (if
  indicated)
• Current relationship
• Remember to focus on assets as well as deficits.
• Look at differences between when the relationship
  was going well and present.
• Even make distinctions between times now when it
  is going well.

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Engagement Stage

• Session Two
• See the history taking not as your passive
  reception of their narrative, but as an active,
  guided process.
• Focus is on re-conceptualizing problems as
  opportunities for change and deepening knowledge.
  Worthington writes of failures of faith acting
  through love.
• The real problem is the devaluing thats taking
  place, not the identified problem.
• You want to begin in this session to change
  perceptions and implant hope.
• Consider healing of memory

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Engagement Stage

• Session Three Explore central concerns
• Again, this is a guided narrative. Typical areas
  involve
• Closeness
• Communication
• Conflict
• Cognition
• Commitment

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Engagement Stage

• Session Three
• Focus shifts a bit in marital counseling because
  there is so much to cover. Here I would slightly
  modify the model to suggest that each potential
  area of conflict be considered from the three
  domains of feeling, thinking and behaving.
• This doesnt sound like much to cover, but youll
  be amazed at how quickly the time goes by. Just
  remember to focus each portion of the encounter
  on these three areas.
• Review blessing and cursing in marriage.
  Blessing is building up cursing tears down.
  Solicit intent to bless.

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Engagement Stage

• Session Three
• Attempt to identify one crucial area.
• Goal is to find the one that would make the most
  impact if changed
• Somewhat discouraging because session will deal
  with what needs changing
• Emphasis must be on having each partner identify
  his/her own contributions

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Engagement Stage

• Session Four Plan for Change
• Create attitudes of confession (first) and
  forgiveness
• Increase commitment
• Review Biblical model for relationships
• Decrease devaluing behaviors
• Recall positives from relationship
• Eliminate or reduce competitors for couple time
• Restore common vision
• Increase valuing behaviors

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Engagement Stage

• Session Four
• Be as active as possible in this session.
• Involve in role play
• Use room as model for distance, or love or
  activities
• Once commitment to relationship is restored, you
  may begin to work on changing specific behaviors
• Relationship mission statement
• Develop and exchange lists of desired behaviors
• Provide quality routine
• Add in caring days
• Plan for some big events

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Disengagement

• Session Five Cementing change
• Solidify attitudes of confession and forgiveness
  (may even want to have couples confess)
• Help counselees return to their normal lives
  plan where they go from here
• Plan for future growth (spiritually and
  emotionally, individually and as a couple)
• Have them summarize what theyve learned and how
  theyve changed

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Dealing with Tough Questions

• The Questions
• Under what circumstances should separation occur?
• What should a person do if there is abuse
  present?
• Is divorce ever permissible?
• What about remarriage?
• Others?

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Dealing with Tough Questions

• Guidelines
• Take the counselees questions seriously. Respect
  his/her logic and make sure you fully understand
  the person before you respond.
• Be gentle. Treat the counselee as someone
  youll love even if he/she disagrees with you.
• Make it clear when there are different answers.
  Then (and only then) feel free to offer your
  opinion. (Youll be amazed at how this changes
  your own response set.)

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Dealing with Tough Questions

• Guidelines
• Try to only preach on Sundays! Answers should be
  short. (Observe carefully while youre talking to
  be sure that what you say is received in the way
  you mean it. If youre unsure, ask!)
• Dont let your counseling get bogged down by
  theological discussions. Investigating biblical
  responses is appropriate, but some people will
  work to get you arguing, because then they wont
  have to be responsible!
• Live what youre teaching.

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Guidelines for Benefiting from Counseling with a
Pastor

• Couples who benefit from counseling are those who
  are involved in their counseling and do what is
  suggested.
• Tell yourself continually that divorce will not
  take away all of your distress, it merely
  substitutes other distress for the present.
• Adopt the attitude, "I have fallen out of love,
  and I can fall back in love."
• Change first don't wait for your partner to
  change.

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Guidelines for Benefiting from Counseling with a
Pastor

• Be patient be willing to do things that are not
  comfortable to allow hearing.
• Expect ups and downs in counseling. When the
  downs come, don't stop trying to change. When
  the first ups come, don't think the problem is
  solved. Keep working until valuing your partner
  becomes a habit.
• Don't quit just because you don't see quick
  progress.
• Don't expect your spouse to become perfect.