How%20to%20Talk%20So%20Kids%20Will%20Listen%20

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How to Talk So Kids Will Listen Listen So Kids
Will Talk

• Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (1980). New
  York Harper Collins.

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Help Them Deal With Their Feelings

• Accept their feelings.
• Listen with full attention.
• Acknowledge their feelings with a word Oh,
  Mmm or I see.
• Non-judgmental listening
• Give their feelings a name.
• I can see youre frustrated.
• Give them their wishes in fantasy.
• I can tell that you didnt like the movie. Ill
  bet you wish you had seen Wall-E instead.

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• When you give a feeling a name, also be specific.
• To show empathy that you understand.
• Dont say, I understand because you probably
  dont.
• Respond with The movie was a little scary in the
  part where the transformer was blown up.

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• Dont repeat exact words back, rephrase.
• Dont repeat the names they call themselves.
• No Youre not so dumb because it took you
  three hours to do your homework.
• Yes It must be discouraging when work takes
  longer than you expect.

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To Engage a Childs Cooperation

• Describe what you see, or describe the problem.
• Theres a wet towel on the bed.
• Give information.
• The towel is getting my blanket wet.
• Say it with a word.
• The towel!
• Describe what you feel.
• I dont like sleeping in a wet bed.
• Write a note.
• Please put me back so I can dry.

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Instead of Punishment

• Express your feelings stronglywithout attacking
  character.
• I statements, not you statements.
• Im furious my tools were left out all night!
• State your expectations.
• I expect my tools to be put back after theyre
  borrowed.
• Show how to make amends.
• What these tools need now is a little steel wool
  and a lot of elbow grease.

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• Give the child a choice (consequences).
• You can borrow my tools and return them, or you
  can give up the privilege of using them. Your
  choice.
• Take action to follow through on consequences.
• Child Why is the tool box locked.
• Father You tell me why.
• Problem solve.
• What can we work out so that you can use my
  tools when you need them, and so that Ill be
  sure theyre there when I need them?

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To Encourage Autonomy

• Let children make choices.
• Are you in the mood for your grey pants today,
  or your red pants.
• Show respect for a childs struggle.
• A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps
  if you tap the side of the lid with a spoon.
• Dont ask too many questions.
• Glad to see you. Welcome home.

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• Dont rush to answer questions.
• Thats an interesting question. What do you
  think?
• Encourage children to use sources outside the
  home.
• Maybe the pet shop owner would have a
  suggestion.
• Dont take away hope.
• So youre thinking of trying out for the play!
  That should be an experience.

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Praise and Self-Esteem

• Describe what you see.
• I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books
  lined up on the shelf.
• Specificity is important to give useful feedback
  and to show that you are not brushing them off
  and that you thought about it.
• Describe what you feel.
• Its a pleasure to walk into this room!

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• Sum up the childs praiseworthy behavior with a
  word.
• You sorted out your pencils, crayons, and pens
  and put them in separate boxes. Thats what I
  call organization!
• Give the praiseworthy behavior a name.
• Dont overdo praise or be too enthusiastic.
• You must be honest and authentic so you dont
  interfere with a childs desire for
  accomplishment.

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• Dont use I statements, such as, Im so proud
  of you.
• Use you statements such as What an
  achievement. You must be so proud of yourself!
• Point out what they do right.
• Dont point out mistakes, it will keep them from
  trying.
• Reward with praise and recognition.

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Positive Labels and Roles

• Children live up to expectations (self-fulfilling
  prophecy).
• To the roles we put them in
• Get me my glasses servant.
• Mary, youre being bossy again bossy.
• Overheard My oldest is a problem child. a
  problem.
• Use positive labels and roles.

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• Look for opportunities to show the child a new
  picture of herself.
• Youve had that toy since you were three and it
  almost looks like new. careful and
  responsible.
• Put children in situations where they can see
  themselves differently.
• Sarah, would you take the screwdriver and
  tighten the pulls on these drawers?

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• Model the behavior youd like to see.
• Its hard to lose, but Ill try to be a sport
  about. Congratulations on beating me.
• Be a storehouse of your childs special moments
  when they did something good.
• I remember the time you reinforcing.
• When a child acts according to the old label,
  state your feelings and/or your expectations.
• I dont like that. Despite your strong
  feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you!

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Remember

• Parents, managers, and leaders are role models.
• Children and employees will model your behavior.
• How you act, they will act.
• How you treat them is how they will treat others.