The LOVE LAB

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The LOVE LAB

• Creating Healthy Lives, Marriages Families

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A Surprising Truth

• Both happy and unhappy couples deal with the same
  problems.
• Most marital arguments cannot be resolved.
• The Secret Weapon of Emotionally Intelligent
  Couples ? Repair Attempt

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Ephesians 426-32

• 26 "In your anger do not sin" Do not let the
  sun go down while you are still angry,
• 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
• 28 He who has been stealing must steal no
  longer, but must work, doing something useful
  with his own hands, that he may have something to
  share with those in need.
• 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of
  your mouths, but only what is helpful for
  building others up according to their needs, that
  it may benefit those who listen.
• 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God,
  with whom you were sealed for the day of
  redemption.
• 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger,
  brawling and slander, along with every form of
  malice.
• 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another,
  forgiving each other, just as in Christ God
  forgave you.

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Pick Your Spouse Carefully

• When choosing a marriage partner you will
  inevitably be choosing a particular set of
  unsolvable problems that youll be grappling with
  for the next ten, twenty or fifty years no
  matter who you marry.

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The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict

• Perpetual Problems
• Solvable Problems

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Signs of Gridlock

• The conflict makes you feel rejected.
• You keep talking but make no headway.
• You become entrenched in your positions.
• Your conversations have no humor or affection.
• You start to vilify each other.
• Youre unwilling to compromise.

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Managing Perpetual Problems

• Limit discussions of disagreements to fifteen
  minutes.
• Intentionally calm down.
• Speak listen non-defensively.
• Validate each other.
• Rehearse/practice these principles.

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The Key to ALL Conflict Resolution
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PRINCIPLE 1

• Solve Your Solvable Problems

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Steps to Resolving Conflict

• Soften your startup.
• Learn to make and receive repair attempts.
• Soothe yourself and each other.
• Compromise.
• Be tolerant of each others faults.

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Step 1

• SOFTEN YOUR STARTUP

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Suggestions for Soft Startups

• Complain but dont blame.
• Make I statements instead of You.
• Describe what is happening, dont evaluate or
  judge.
• Be clear.
• Be polite.
• Be appreciative.
• Dont store things up.

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Step 2

• Learn to Make and Receive Repair Attempts

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Step 3

• Soothe Yourself
• and Each Other

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Self-Soothing

• The 1st step is to stop the discussion.
• Let your spouse know youre feeling flooded and
  need to take a break.
• During this time, avoid thoughts of righteous
  indignation or victimhood.
• Spend your time doing something soothing and
  distracting, like listening to music or
  exercising.
• Calm your body with prayer.

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Soothing Each Other

• What makes me (you) feel flooded?
• How do I (you) typically bring up issues or
  complaints?
• Do I (you) store things up?
• Is there anything I can do to soothe you?
• Is there anything you can do?
• What signals can we develop for letting each
  other know when were flooded?

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Step 4

• Compromise

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Step 5

• Be Tolerant of Each Others Faults