Polyamory: A Crash Course for the Curious

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Polyamory A Crash Course for the Curious

• By Psychotherapist/Sex Therapist, Nan Wise, LCSW,
  ACSW
• Author of Outrageous Intimacy Lessons from the
  Adventurous
• www.OutrageousIntimacy.com
• 973-632-0625

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The Poly Parrot
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Other Poly Symbols
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Disclaimer

• Do not jump into Polyamory without serious
  consideration and lots of coaching (you can reach
  me at 973-632-0625 for a phone consultation)
• Monogamy is a valid love-style, and so is
  Polyamory
• Polyamory can be a problem-creating lifestyle if
  not done mindfully, and even then, there were be
  lots of opportunities for growth.
• Polyamory has all the problems of monogamy and
  then some.
• If you enjoy communicating, if complexity in
  relating is a turn-on for you, do consider
  Polyamory!
• If not, you might wish to stick with simpler
  forms of relationship. Traditional swinging is an
  alternative.

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Speaking the New Love Lingo

• Polyamory definition from the Greek and Latin
  roots meaning many loves. First proposed by
  Oberon and Morning Glory Zell to replace
  Responsible Nonmonogamy. Generally refers to
  love-styles that involve more than one partner,
  openly with the knowledge and consent of all
  involved.
• Some argue that Polyamory neednt include
  sexuality, and can refer to multiple loves
  without the relationships being sexual.

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Characteristics of polyamorous relationships

• What the various forms have in common is that
  they are both sexual and lovingor sexualoving
  (Anapol,1992) with no separation between sex and
  lovecontrasting with casual, recreational sex.
• Polyamorous relationships involve consciously
  choosing a particular love-style rather than
  automatically accepting the culturally defined,
  prescribed forms of relationship.

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The evolution of terminology

• Nonmonogamy used to mean having more than one
  spouse during a lifetime. It now means having
  more than one sexual partner during the same time
  period.
• Traditionally, Nonmonogamy has often been
  non-consensual
• Consensual Nonmonogamy has been called Negotiated
  Nonmonogamy or Responsible Nonmonogamy
• Polyamory is one form of Consensual Nonmonogamy,
  Swinging is another
• Polyamory can include all of the following and
  more

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• Polyfidelity
• Poly singles
• Open marriage/Open relationship v. Expanded
  Relationship, Open-ended Marriage
• Group marriage
• Multilateral marriage, Line marriage
• Intimate networks
• Triads/Quads
• Nonexclusive relationship
• Intimate friendship
• Inclusive relationship
• Couples who are currently monogamous who do not
  intend to remain exclusive

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Polyamory The Skill Sets

• The same skill sets necessary for traditional
  relationships are necessary for Polyamory. And
  you need to get really, really good at them.

• Polyamory is a lot like monogamy, just with
  more people.
• Ken Haslam, MD

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Polyamory as a theory as well as a practice

• Five principal outlined by Emens in Monogamys
  Law
• 1) Self Knowledge as not only valuable, but
  necessarythe daily substrate of healthy
  relationships (Anapol).
• 2) Radical Honesty (Brad Blanton) a heightened
  emphasis on communication and truth-telling about
  nonmonogamy is the most distinctive aspect of
  Polyamory

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More poly philosophy

• 3) Consent Honesty forms the basis of consent.
  Partners make informed decisions after received
  detailed information. Negotiating and keeping
  agreements is a huge focus of poly relating. The
  emphasis is on true consent rather than
  enforced consent.
• 4) Self-Possession Emphasizes autonomy in
  relationship (contrast with the couple-front) in
  order to avoid merging into one human being.

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And most distinctly

• 5) Privileging Love and Sex particular to
  Polyamory is the idea that when it comes to love
  and sex, more expression and experience may truly
  be better than less.
• Love is that condition wherein another persons
  happiness is essential to your own.
• Robert Heinlein

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Whats triggers people about Responsible
Nonmonogamy?

• The resistance of our culture to legitimizing
  responsible nonmonogamy as a lifestyle may be due
  to
• Concerns about polygamy (more specifically)
  polygyny as being exploitive of women
• Eliciting of other taboos (fears), i.e., what
  about the kids? (e.g., homosexuals as potential
  pedophiles).
• The Paradox of Prevalence (Monogamys Law, Emens,
  2003).
• The widespread resistance to the idea of
  marriage between more than two people is actually
  the result of monogamys failure. The threat of
  Polyamory in a sense stems from its apparent
  prevalence.

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More reasons Polyamory is controversial

• Most people may want to sleep with other people,
  but they resist the impulse. From this
  perspective Polyamory may seem indulgent or
  greedy.
• Polyamory involves telling our partners what we
  are up to. We are then confronted with our
  feelings about our partners having equal rights
  to explore with others. We are challenged to
  confront our fears, jealousy, and insecurity.

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Polyamory will become Polyagony without. . .

• Extreme Emotional intelligence
• Fostering connection and attunement
• Learning how to avoid emotional hijackings by
  constructively coping with JEALOUSY and managing
  NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY
• Becoming a master of Negotiating and keeping
  Agreements