Healthy Congregations: An Introduction

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Healthy Congregations An Introduction
Rev. Joan Van Becealere Ohio-Meadville District
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Overview

• Today, we will look at the first two segments of
  a larger series of workshops on building Healthy
  Congregations.
• In this segment, you will learn to think of your
  congregation as an interactive, interconnected
  emotional system.
• We will begin to look at the affect anxiety has
  on a congregational system.
• Next session, we will continue with anxiety and
  look at the role of leaders in times of anxiety
  and change.

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System Thinking
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System Thinking

• To think System is to think in a unique way.
• Interrelationships exist among discrete parts
• Things do not exist independently, only in
  relationships to something else
• The whole cannot be understood by simply
  understanding each part
• Things only function as they do because of the
  presence of one another
• Nothing is influenced in one direction

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Systems Thinking

• Each part contributes to what is happening
• Change is one part produces change in other parts
• There is mutual maintenance of behavior
• The interactions between different people affect
  the whole
• Relationships are not merely interesting-thats
  all there is

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Discussion

• When change in one part of a relationship
  produces change in other parts of the
  relationship, you know you are dealing with a
  system.
• In the recent past, what change(s) in one part of
  your congregational system resulted in changes in
  other parts?
• What parts were affected most? Why?
• How did this change influence members and staff?
  How did people react?

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What systems thinking tells us about congregations

• Systems thinking takes away polarities of
  either/or and cause and effect thinking.
• Every cause is a reaction and every reaction is
  also a cause.
• Relationships in the present can have more to do
  with emotional processes that have been
  reinforced for many generations than with the
  logic of their current connection.

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What systems thinking tells us about congregations

• Emotional processes in a church can cause the
  system to get stuck for years and years.
• No emotional system will change unless people
  change how they behave and function with one
  another.

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What systems thinking tells us about
congregations

• Institutions tend to institutionalize the
  pathology, or the genius, of the founders.
• Patterns of behavior resist being changed
• Health is linked to growth in mission and
  numbers.
• Healthy congregations are more attractive to new
  people who sense the feeling level in the
  congregation as healthy.

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Video

• The Anxious Congregation Faces Change
• The Responsible Congregation Faces Change

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Discussion of Video

• What situations in your congregation are similar
  to what happened in the in the videos?
• What are some of the roles and actions of the
  Anxious Congregations leadership? How do those
  roles and actions differ from the Non-Anxious
  Congregation?
•  Have you seen any of these roles and actions
  (anxious or non-anxious) at play in your
  congregation? What was the situation and result?

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Congregations as Emotional System

• Where two or more are gathered, there is an
  emotional system.
• All human beings live in emotional systems. The
  same emotional processes occur in all
  relationships.
• Emotional systems are automatic, instinctive,
  reactive and defensive. Driving these systems
  are innate forces that seek survival. The
  resulting behaviors are not learned or thought
  out. They are wired in, natural phenomena.
• What happens in the every day life of the
  congregation is natural, for it is what happens
  in all emotional systems. Its not unique.

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Congregations as Emotional System

• Congregations are systems with patterns and
  habits.
• They resist change from the familiar pattern even
  if it is dysfunctional. (Weve always done it
  this way even though we hate it!)
• The emotional system will not change unless the
  people in that system change how they function in
  that system.

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Congregations as Emotional System

• Emotional systems are driven by two major forces
  - separateness and closeness.
• Every person and group functions within a context
  of relationships. (Thats all there is!!)
• Two needs influence these relationships the
  need to be separate, to stand alone, to be
  independent and the need to be close, to
  connect, to interact with others.

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Congregation as an Emotional System

• Separation forces work to reduce the tension
  associated with being too close to others and the
  need to affiliate.
• Closeness forces work to reduce the tension
  associated with individual differences and the
  need to be distinct.
• Anxiety arises when individuals sense themselves
  to be outside their comfort zone relative to
  separateness and closeness.

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Congregations as Emotional System

• The Balancing of Separateness and Closeness is
  the process of Self-Differentiation.
• A healthy person or group balances the two
  forces.
• Healthy persons (and group)s are separate and
  responsible for their lives.
• They are also connected and responsive to others.
  
• The Universe from stars to lichen, work by a
  process of balancing and differentiation.

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Small Group Discussion

• Where do you see yourselves on the lists of
  Undifferentiated and Differentiated
  characteristics?
• In what areas are you more Differentiated than
  Undifferentiated?
• Where are you more Undifferentiated than
  Differentiated? (where are your growing edges.)

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Congregations as Emotional System

• Because Separateness and Closeness are
  opposites, the potential for tension exists in
  all relational systems. This tension can be
  destructive or creative.
• Opposites create tension, anxiety.
• To relieve anxiety, people may go to extremes of
  closeness (fusion) or extremes of separateness
  (cut-off).
• Either extreme is destructive if people get stuck
  there.

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Congregations as Emotional System

• Self-Differentiation is the ability to define
  self to others and still stay connected to them.
  It is taking responsibility for ones own
  emotional functioning.
• The goal is to be able to balance the two needs.
• Some folk have difficulty balancing. These people
  may be difficulty in leadership.

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Congregations as Emotional System

• Self-Differentiation is most evident in the way
  we work out differences and conflict with each
  other.
• Self-Differentiation is the capacity to like the
  way your mother fried potatoes but not to be
  overwhelmed by anxiety if someone elses mother
  fried them differently. This means you dont try
  to convert others to your mothers fried
  potatoes, nor do you give in to anothers need
  for fried potatoes of a certain kind. And you do
  not disconnect from another until they fry their
  potatoes your mothers way. (Steinke)

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Healthy Congregations Workshop
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Healthy Congregations Focus on Strengths and
Mission

• When a congregation focuses on strength, it will
  look to the future and increase the potential for
  change or renewal.
• A group focused on weakness and what is wrong
  will fall into hopelessness, pathology, blame and
  deficits.
• A group that looks to its strengths will build on
  them and move forward through change and anxiety.

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Healthy Congregations Focus on Strengths and
Mission

• A focus on strength is a focus on learning.
• Welcomes new ideas, dialogue, questions and
  differences.
• A focus on strength helps a congregation
  reorganize itself after change or loss.
• A focus on strength is a focus on grace and
  graciousness.
• Health in people and systems is hurt by emotions
  of vengeance and envy and depression.
• Health is promoted by emotions like gratitude.

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Discussion

• What are the strengths of your congregation?
• As leaders, how will you nourish these strengths?
  
• How will you develop new strengths?

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Importance of Mission

• If a sailor has no destination no clear idea
  of where to go the sailboat meanders or stays
  adrift. The sailor needs a destination in order
  to adjust the sails in relation to winds.
  Communities are no different. Without a
  destination (mission), their responses are
  random, habitual, or meaningless. Congregations
  with a vision set their sails. Leaders are
  sailors. (Peter Steinke)

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Healthy Congregations Focus on Strengths and
Mission

• Humans have a pervasive need for connections and
  relationship.
• A congregation is an expression of that need for
  connectedness and purpose.
• We need to explore and know why we have come
  together (mission)
• Leaders are the guardians of the mission and keep
  it alive.
• Leaders help the congregation develop a vision of
  how it will live out its mission.

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Healthy Congregations Focus on Strengths and
Mission

• A common vision is an expression of hope for the
  future that captures imagination, mobilizes
  energy and connects people.
• All healthy relationship systems exist in a
  creative tension between vision (ideal, future)
  and reality (present).
• Unhealthy systems dont deal with the tension and
  lower the vision to match the current reality,
  live in the past.
• Healthy systems accept tension as a motivation to
  transcend reality of what is for the sake of what
  can be.

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Discussion small groups

• What is your congregations mission?
• If you are not thrilled with its mission, what do
  you think it should be?
• What are two visions for the future?

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Break Here
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Anxiety in Congregations

• Anxiety is natural. It affects all human
  relationships, communities and systems.
• It is an automatic response to a change or a
  threat real or imagined.
• Anxiety is a critical foundation in humans.
• We can't live without it.
• It arouses us to make changes in our lives.
• But when it gets too intense and crosses a
  threshold it paralyses us and affects our
  thinking.

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Anxiety in Congregations

• Anxiety may be ordinary, acute or chronic.
• Ordinary anxiety is part of life in social
  change.
• Acute anxiety is the emotional disturbance that
  is crisis generated. Situational and time-bound.
• Chronic anxiety is habitual. It is structured
  into the relationship or system itself. A small
  issue or trigger sets it off.
• Healthy systems handle anxiety with resiliency.
• Unhealthy systems are, by nature, anti-resilient.

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Anxiety in Congregations

• Anxiety is both a motivator as well as a
  destructive problem in some individuals.
• Too much anxiety leads to skewed thinking. If
  the anxiety is high enough the system can get
  stuck.
• Automatic, survival based behavior (emotional
  reaction) issues from anxiety, limiting ones
  imaginative response to a situation.

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Anxiety in Congregations

• When people are highly anxious, they find it hard
  to avoid extremes in reactions.
• High anxiety provokes forces of self
  preservation. Highly anxious people want safety.
  Instincts take over.
• Driven more by emotionality, one loses clarity,
  insight, direction, good judgment, discriminatory
  powers, and resiliency.
• The same can happen in congregations.
• Love and covenant are out the door.

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Anxiety in Congregations

• The fourteen most common triggers of anxiety in
  congregations
• Old versus new
• Growth/survival
• Staff conflicts/resignation of staff member
• Internal or external focus
• Major trauma, tension, or transition
• Money
• Type of worship

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Anxiety in Congregations

• Issues involving sex/sexuality
• Pastors leadership style
• Harm done to a child/death of a child
• Property building, space, territory
• Distance between the ideal and the real
• Lay leaderships style
• Boundary issues

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The Human Brain and Anxiety

• To understand anxietys effect on people and
  groups, we need to look at how the human brain
  functions.

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The Human Brain and Anxiety

• Three parts of the brain have specialized
  functions
• Amygdala Survival Processes Reptilian
• Limbic System Emotional Responses Mammalian
• Cerebral Hemispheres Conscious rational thought
  - Neocortex

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The Human Brain and Anxiety

• If anxiety is intense, we move to a reptilian
  response, self-preservation.
• The reptilian brain wants a rapid reaction to
  potential danger.
• Think of a snake about to strike you you move!
• The mammalian brain interprets whether something
  is painful or pleasurable.
• Strong anxiety can push the brains reaction to
  love or hate in the extreme.

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The Human Brain and Anxiety

• The thinking brain has the potential to regulate
  the mammalian and reptilian brains.
• A mature, differentiated person has the capacity
  to regulate reactions and respond creatively,
  thoughtfully to anxiety triggers.
• If we are intensely anxious the lower brains can
  overwhelm the thinking brain.
• Certain issues, triggers, can bring out emotional
  reactions in undifferentiated people/groups that
  bypass the thinking brain.

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Anxiety in Congregations

• Anxiety is contagious. Peer pressure, group
  think, and mob panic are examples.
• Anxiety acts like a virus and can become out of
  control.
• Anxiety does not have a simple, single cause.
• Anxiety that runs wild is being mutually
  maintained and nurtured by the larger system.
• Anxiety is usually focused on people in two
  positions the most responsible and the most
  vulnerable. People want to focus anxiety
  somewhere.

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Anxiety in Congregations

• To control anxiety, emotional systems use three
  primary mechanisms distancing, fusing, and
  triangling.
• Emotional distance gives an individual time to
  control his own reactions to others by avoidance
  or withdrawal.
• But it is reactive.
• It can heighten anxiety because distancing
  increases the separateness between people.

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Anxiety in Congregations

• Emotional fusion results in the opposite. People
  become stuck together.
• Anxiety is bound by pleasing or manipulating
  others.
• The relationship is stable but less reliable.
• Trust and mutual respect diminish.

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Anxiety in Congregations

• The most common way to control or bind anxiety is
  emotional triangling.
• We form healthy (and unhealthy) triangles all of
  the time.
• In a situation of anxiety, triangles detour
  potential conflict.
• But anxiety not addressed in one relationship is
  played out in or pushed onto another
  relationship.

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Anxiety in Congregations
Source of real tension Party A

• THE ANXIOUS TRIANGLE
• Anxious relationships tend to become triangular.
  Most anxious parties will bring in a third party
  to reduce the tension.

Party B
Rescuer (willing to experience anothers
anxiety)
(assigned by role to carry the anxiety)
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Anxiety in Congregations

• Triangling relationships are formed
• When one person is always in the outside
  position.
• When a person is over involved in solving
  anothers problem with someone else.
• When a person has a strong emotional reaction to
  one person but turns to another for comfort and
  support.

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Anxiety in Congregations

• Triangling relationships are formed
• When a person is anxiously going through a major
  life crisis.
• When two people have little freedom to speak
  honestly about feelings.
• Edwin Friedman warns In the concept of an
  emotional triangle, what Peter says to you about
  his relationship with Paul has more to do with
  his relationship with you!

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Next Session Chronic Anxiety and Leadership!
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Healthy Congregations An Introduction
Rev. Joan Van Becealere Ohio-Meadville District
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Overview

• Today, we will look at the second segment of our
  four part series of workshops on building Healthy
  Congregations.
• In this segment, we will look closer at the
  affects of chronic anxiety on a congregation.
• And we will look at the important role
  congregational leaders play in times of anxiety
  and change.

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Chronic Anxiety

• Chronic (Habitual) Anxiety is an issue in many
  churches across all denominations.
• Constant state of crisis.
• Constant criticism of others inside and outside
• Use of threats, manipulation and tantrums
• Splinter groups repeatedly form
• Leadership roles rapidly change
• Those who introduce change of any kind are
  rejected
• Communication is closed, secret and distorted
• People think in polarities black/white, win/lose

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Chronic Anxiety

• Chronic Anxiety has an Effect on Individuals, the
  Congregation, and Leadership and ability to
  handle Conflict.
• Reactivity
•  Psychic Clumping
•  Over Focus
•  Quick Fix
•  Secrecy
• Invasiveness

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Chronic Anxiety

• Reactivity
• (I) A lack of self-regulation automatic
  behavior without thought driven by emotion
  (knee-jerk. shoot from the hip)
• (C) No one takes stands no one operates from
  principles or beliefs inhibits
  self-differentiation
• (L) Increase of seriousness crisis orientation
  limited imagination, some try to be in charge, to
  take over with no real plan or direction

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Chronic Anxiety

• Psychic Clumping
•  (I) Herding, de-selfing, strong push for
  sameness, like-mindedness (dont rock the boat
  see no evil, speak no evil)
• (C) Stuck togetherness organize around weakness,
  immaturity most dependent set the agenda
• (L) Indecisiveness group think no stepping back
  from the problem leaders think, feel, or act
  within a familiar range keep the peace at any
  cost

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Chronic Anxiety

• Over Focus
• (I) Blame, criticism, fault finding, projection,
  displacement, diagnosis of others (You
  disappoint me or You didnt fix me)
• (C) Victim and villains scapegoating shift of
  burden to others or elsewhere (You or That)
• (L) Attempt to function as rescuer or urged by
  followers to do so (relieve our pain or choose
  in our favor) externalizing place
  accountability outside of selves

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Chronic Anxiety

• Quick Fix
•  (I) Want immediate relief do not allow time for
  things to process push for certainty and
  solutions low threshold for pain
• (C) Emotional process is untouched want magic
  cant wait vulnerable to claims of snake oil
• (L) Least mature selected to lead no challenge
  totalistic thinking (all or nothing, black or
  white answers) quick fix mentality

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Chronic Anxiety

• Secrecy
• (I) Creates confusion perceptions distorted
  increases covert behaviors do not talk to one
  another but about one another
• (C) Sustained anxiety works against healing
  half stories shrouded truth
• (L) Never give straight answer, sound bites,
  cover up, passive stonewalling keep information
  private to keep peace

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Chronic Anxiety

• Invasiveness
• (I) Get into the space of others interfere with
  others relationships coercive actions
  willfulness
• (C) Boundary violations people go where they
  dont belong and act where they have no authority
• (L) Violate rights and dignity bulldoze force
  decisions on others verbally dismissive of

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Anxiety and Congregations

• Healthy groups are not always peaceful
  tranquil. But not chronically anxious, either.
• Healthy churches respond to change and problems
  with resiliency, flexibility.
• They allow for change and control reactions to
  anxiety and stress with insight, reflectiveness
  and objectivity.
• They analyze, evaluate calmly and develop
  effective responses to acute anxiety.
• The leaders help the people reason through
  differences.

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Discussion

• Look at the Continuum of of Healthy Congregation
  Function
• Where do you think your congregation fits on the
  continuum in the areas listed?
• Mark the numbers on the grid attached to the
  continuum.
• What kind of profile of the congregation do we
  find?

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Healthy Leadership

• Leaders contribute to the health of a
  congregation. They are health-promoters. The true
  mark of a leader is spreading health throughout
  the community. The presence of mature,
  self-aware, and faithful leaders means health is
  possible in the community. (Peter Steinke)

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Healthy Leaders

• Leaders and followers mutually influence one
  another. Healthy leadership requires that you
  understand how you relate to others and how
  others affect your behavior.
• The balanced, self-differentiated leader focuses
  on her/his own functioning. This is not
  selfishness. It is being a good steward of the
  self.
• The leader is responsible for his/her position
  and her/his balanced reactions, not for the whole
  congregation.

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Healthy Leadership

• Critical to healthy emotional systems is the
  ability of leaders to self-differentiate, i.e.,
  defining self to others while staying in touch
  with members of the group, even if they remain
  reactive. (Being)
• Self-differentiation directs energy to ones own
  functioning, ones own response to the situation,
  and ones own contribution to the interaction.
  (Doing)

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Characteristics of Self-Differentiation and
Balance

• Self-definition
• 1 . Sensing limits, knowing where self and
  others begin and end, making the distinction
  between self and non-self yet being aware of the
  part self plays in relationship.
• 2. Knowing what you believe, being aware of your
  goals and values, letting your own convictions
  determine your behavior.

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Self-Differentiation/Balance

• Self-regulation
• 3. Taking a stand, articulating your position
  (and in doing this not having to change the other
  or change oneself to please the other), seeking
  clarity.
• 4. Staying on course, having resolve, possessing
  emotional stamina, persevering, accepting
  challenge.

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Self-Differentiation/Balance

• Self-other relations
• 5. Controlling the part one plays in emotional
  processes, being calm and reflective, focusing on
  ones own functioning rather than the functioning
  of others, very little blaming or attacking.
• 6. Staying connected to others (it is chosen,
  not instinctive).
• 7. Going beyond self-promotion, being aware of
  the other, being as invested in the welfare of
  the relationship as in self.

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Healthy Leaders - Video

• After viewing the video, please respond to the
  following statements
• The more leaders accept responsibility for
  anxiety that is not theirs, the more they become
  stressed, function less effectively, and lose
  sight of their goals.
• Congregations that function well have leaders who
  feel less threatened by the reactions and
  reactivity of others.

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Healthy Leadership

• Leaders promote health through their presence and
  functioning.
• Well-differentiated, mature persons think from an
  I position and focus on their own functioning
  while still staying connected to others.
• Leaders learn to manage themselves first.
• Leaders take responsibility for their own
  actions. They are not responsible for how others
  function or act. (no superheroes!)

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Healthy Leadership

• Leaders and followers are a system and affect
  each other. Leadership is co-created.
• The leader is the person who most influences an
  emotional field or system.
• The differentiated, non-anxious leader works on
  his/her own functioning. His/her influence does
  not rely on personality, consensus, techniques or
  skills, piles of information, or expertise.
• The system is influenced positively or
  negatively - by the leaders BEING (non-anxious
  presence) and DOING (differentiated functioning).
  

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Discussion

• Leaders need to be able to tolerate pain both
  in themselves and others. They need to be able
  to make decisions that might bring change and,
  thus, pain to others.
• Place yourself on the chart Toleration of Pain
  in Self and in Others.
• What impact does this have on your leadership at
  this time?
• What groups or persons in your congregation are
  unable to tolerate pain and change?

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Economic Leadership
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Economic Leadership

• Review the Best Practices from the UUA
  Stewardship Consultants group.
• Which items seems most appealing?
• Which seem problematic to you?
• Which items do you think will resonate with your
  congregations members?
• Why?

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Elements Needed to Support Giving in Anxious Times

• Magazine Advancing Philanthropy recommends
• Appealing Mission Statementa dynamic and unique
  mission appeals to peoples interest in the value
  of the organization and the causes it supports.
• Acknowledge the impact of the economy on the
  organizations ability to fulfill its mission.
• Avoid dramatic cuts or changes in program or
  staffing.

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Elements Needed to Support Giving in Anxious
Times cont.

• Keep outreach, public relations and marketing
  strong.
• Spread enthusiasm about what the organization is
  doing.
• Practice openness and accountability.
• Meet regularly with donors, informing them of the
  organizations needs. Invite questions.

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Economic Leadership Why People Give

• Out of a sense of gratitude for all that we have
  in life.
• To add meaning to our lives.
• Because we like to help people.
• In response to people we trust.
• Because we believe in the organizations mission
  and want to be a real part of it.
• Because someone personally asks!
• Other reasons?????

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The Self-Differentiated Leader
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Leaders Provide Immunity
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Discussion

• Which style of leadership (personality,
  self-definition or stuck together) do you believe
  is most prominent in most congregations
  generally?
• In your congregation?

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Leaders Provide Immunity

• Everything is co-causal, everything is mutually
  influenced. Both health and illness are the
  result of many interrelated factors.
• Disease, which brings on illness, indicates that
  something doesnt fit, is out of place.
• Disease is enabled and maintained by many
  influences.
• Healthy leaders provide powerful immune
  capacities that promote health.

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Leaders Provide Immunity

• There are always viruses present in a system, but
  disease happens when the surrounding cells
  cooperate or give aid to the invasive virus.
• There are similarities between viral infections
  and relationship conflict.
• Anxious, reactive people function like a virus.
  They are secretive. They selectively invade. They
  get other cells to go along - to avoid upsetting
  the system.

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Leaders Provide Immunity

• Leadership functions as the communitys system of
  immunity.
• Leaders recognize what does and does not belong
  to the group and if certain behaviors are
  damaging to the welfare of the whole.
• The health or illness of a system depends on its
  leaderships capacity to function as an immune
  system.
• Leaders recognize threats, respond thoughtfully
  and carefully, and remember how to respond.

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Discussion

• What signs do you see that a person may be acting
  like a virus?
• Are there instances in your congregation where
  someone or a small group has acted like a virus?
  How did the congregation respond?
• How do congregations enable anxious reactivity to
  viruses?
• What can you and other leaders do to provide a
  strong immune system?

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Healthy Leadership

• Leadership is the spiritual process of discerning
  what one believes (clarity), acting on that
  belief in the public arena (decisiveness), and
  standing behind that action despite the varied
  responses of people (courage).
• Rev. Frank Thomas

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• Thank you for being here today!