Arrow of Truth

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Arrow of Truth

• Conflict Resolution
• By Bradley D. Brown

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Before we begin

• I have an issue to clear

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Brick Story

• By Judy Zerafa

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The Secret

• The Book
• The Movie
• The Law of Attraction
• Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill
• What I think is why it is!
• Rosa Mazone

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8 Traits of Successful People

• A feeling of being lucky
• A dreamer a sense of greatness
• Hard worker long hours persistence
• Enthusiastic

• A sense of urgency a Go-Getter
• A risk taker not afraid to fail
• High self-esteem
• A belief in God

By Charles Red Scott
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7 Keys Successful People Know

• Have a Positive Attitude - Karma
• Believe in Yourself
• Build Positive Habits
• Make Wise Choices

• Set and Achieve Goals
• Use Your Imagination Every Day
• Persistence

By Judy Zerafa www.gfifoundation.org
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Vision

• Vision without action is a daydream.
• Action without vision is a nightmare.
• Japanese proverb

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Get to Know Everyone

• Study and understand Myers Briggs and LIFO tests
• Take the Birkman test
• Figure out who you are, and who those around you
  are
• Who will you work best with?
• Put EVERYONE in your house

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Treating People as People

• Leadership and Self-Deception
• Out of the box I see myself and others as we
  are people
• In the box I see others as objects, not as
  people
• Self-Betrayal
• An act contrary to what I feel I should do for
  another
• When I betray myself, I see the world in a way
  that justifies this
• When I do this, my view becomes distorted, I
  enter the box
• I may end up carrying my box with me
• In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and
  obtain mutual justification we collude in
  giving each other reasons to stay in the box

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In Your House

• The Cycle
• Learning, making improvements, learning more,
  etc.
• Prize people
• Give the best projects to
• Why do you not include everyone in your house?
• Perceived intelligence, color, race, creed,
  religion, eye color
• Do you immediately judge a person and what you
  think about them the minute you meet them?
• Are you human? If you are, you do.
• Do you group or profile people based on certain
  characteristics?

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Dont let people beat you down

• If youre good, people (competitors) will
  constantly try to undermine you when you see
  this behavior, youre good!
• The military is famous for this
• In college, the people I loved were the dead
  beatsI knew I would never need to compete with
  them
• It takes an effort to be negative, dont do it
  water cooler talk isnt productive, dont get
  sucked in
• Dont fall for the Steve L test

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Laugh and Love Often

• Laugh often, long and loud
• Laugh until you gasp for breath
• Surround yourself with what you love, whether
  it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants,
  hobbies, whatever
• Your home is your refuge
• Tell the people you love that you love them, at
  every opportunity

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Integrity

• Do what you say youll do
• 100 of the time
• Know what you believe and stand for it
• Be a living example
• Do as I do, not just as I say
• If I say Ill be there, Ill be there

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Arrow of Truth Conflict Resolution

• The Specific Facts are
• My Judgment is
• I Think
• In My Opinion
• That Makes Me Feel
• And I Specifically Want
• Reflect Back (Let Me See If I Understand You)
• Is There More?
• Are You Clear About This?

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Works best / May Not Work..

• Personal situations
• Close groups
• One-on-one
• Proactive
• Youre sure youre not the problem
• Constructive

• Autocratic boss
• Co-workers
• Unclose Group
• Pent up situation
• Lots of baggage

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Sticks and Stones

• may break my bones, but words will never hurt
  me
• Not true! Truth is that harsh criticism, snide
  sarcasm, nasty nicknames and thoughtless gossip
  and rumors can inflict deep and long lasting harm
  on individuals and relationships.

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Challenge to you

• When tempted to say unkind things about another
  either to them or behind their back ask
  yourself
• What is your point and purpose?
• Is there anything good that can come from your
  remarks?
• Could your words create or reinforce negative
  opinions that could be harmful or hurtful?

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Absolutely Forbidden

• Never say anything that is hurtful because it
  CANNOT be taken back ever!

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Elephants under the lampshade

• We all have them
• Issues or conflicts with one another or with an
  entire group
• Its best to clear these up
• Allows you to maximize your experience with the
  group, an individual or your family

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Issues with Who?

• Could be with spouse, children, siblings,
  parents, business associates, partners
• Cleared up might not mean resolved, it could mean
  they are just brought into the open

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Symbolism may be effective

• Arrow
• Some people are uncomfortable with the arrow

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Timing

• Beginning of key meetings
• Family Meetings
• Open arrow policy
• Works when people dont know the process too

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Group Clearing

• Best when everyones in a circle, no table in the
  center
• If one member A has an issue with another
  member B
• A invites B to join him/her in the middle of
  the circle
• If As issue is with the entire group, he/she
  asks one person B to represent the entire group
  and invites B to join him/her in the center of
  the circle

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Mirroring is Key!

• The success of any conflict resolution model
  hinges on the participants ability to mirror the
  statements and emotions of each other without
  becoming detoured by innate defense mechanisms
• As job is to present the issue, including
  his/her feelings, judgments and wants
• Bs job is to listen attentively and to reflect
  back to A what A has said

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Steps to Success

• The Specific Facts are
• My Judgment is
• I Think
• In My Opinion
• That Makes Me Feel
• And I Specifically Want
• Reflect Back (Let Me See If I Understand You)
• Is There More?
• Are You Clear About This?

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Detailed Example

• Mark lives three hours from the site of meetings
  yet always arrives on time.
• Tom lives fifteen minutes from the meeting
  location and has arrived 5-15 minutes late for
  the last several meetings
• Tom is normally apologetic when he arrives late,
  and then makes excuses (e.g., complains about the
  heavy traffic or the last minute phone call he
  had to take)
• Mark has had enough of Toms excuses and wants to
  get clean on this issue
• Mark invites Tom to the center of the circle

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Statement of Facts

• Tom, I have an issue regarding your punctuality
  at our group meetings, and I want to get clean
  with you about this. Beginning of The Facts
  Today, you arrived 15 minutes after the
  designated start time, last month you arrived 30
  minutes late, and three months ago you were 20
  minutes late. Three months ago you called the
  moderator to say you would be late, but there
  have been no calls to the moderator or anyone
  else prior to the last two meetings. You paid a
  fine and said you were sorry. I live 3 hours
  from the meeting site and have arrived on time
  for the last four meetings.

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The Feelings

• Tom, When you arrive late like this, it makes me
  feel angry. It has been eating at me and I
  havent been a full contributor because of it.

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The Judgement

• When you arrive late like this it makes me think
  that you dont care about me or the other members
  of the group. It seems you are putting your own
  priorities ahead of ours. I hear you say youre
  sorry, but since the problem continues, I dont
  believe you. I question your commitment to this
  group.

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The Wants

• Tom, First, I wanted to get this off my chest. I
  also want to hear from you your level of
  commitment to this group and your commitment to
  be on time to future meetings.

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The Defense to Avoid

• Most people in Toms position tend to craft their
  defense strategy while Mark is still speaking.
  They may launch into a litany of excuses or
  retaliate with anger toward Mark rather than
  mirroring to Mark the facts, feelings, judgments
  and wants related to the issue. To do this in a
  clean fashion, Tom would respond as follows
• Mark, let me see if I have this straight. First
  I would like us to get very clear on the facts.
  I do agree that I was fifteen minutes late today
  and twenty minutes late to the last meeting, but
  I believe it was only fifteen minutes three
  months ago. I have indeed paid fines for being
  late, so it looks like, with the one correction,
  we agree on the facts.

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Reflection

• I see that you are angry about this. You
  believe that I am putting my priorities ahead of
  the group and that I am not really committed to
  the group. You question whether or not Im really
  sincere when I say Im sorry. You want to get
  this off your chest. And you want to hear my
  commitment both to the group and to be on time
  for subsequent meetings. Do I have this correct?

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Marks Response

• Mark then has a chance to respond. If Tom
  responded incorrectly, the two continue a dialog
  until Tom has mirrored back correctly all of
  Marks feelings, judgments, and wants. Notice
  that Tom is simple mirroring back to Mark He is
  neither making excuses nor making a retaliatory
  attack. It is important that Tom reflect
  accurately Marks view of the issue. Tom does
  not have to agree with Marks view, he must
  simply reflect it back. After this mirroring,
  Tom gives Mark a chance to get completely clean
  using the following statement
• Mark, is there anything else you want to say
  about this?

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More Frustration?

• Often, Mark will discover some other frustration
  around the issue that needs to be spoken.
  Sometimes Mark will have the insight that the
  particular issue is merely a symptom of a much
  deeper issue in Marks life, unrelated to Tom.

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Is the Issue Cleared?

• Often, after Marks issue has been reflected back
  to him the tension is dissipated completely.
  Resolution of the issue may or may not occur at
  this time. The important thing is that the issue
  has been surfaced totally and that Mark believes
  he has been heard. Tom may or may not pledge
  his/her commitment both to the group and to being
  on time for subsequent meetings. This is often
  worked out between the two of them outside of the
  group meetings.

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General Structure Reviewed

• The two parties discuss the issue in the center
  of the group
• The moderator or another group member may offer
  word coaching to the two members
• A states the facts around the issue
• A states how he feels about the issue
• A states his/her judgments around the issue
• A states what he wants
• B mirrors back the facts and gets agreement
  with A about these facts. Note that the only
  thing that A and B must agree on is the facts
• B mirrors back As feelings, judgments and
  wants related to the issue

• A verifies that B has indeed heard him
  correctly
• B asks A if there is anything else that A
  wants to get clean about
• The two parties dialog as above until A has
  aired all of his/her feeling, judgments and wants
  and B has mirrored them back to As
  satisfaction.
• B may then respond directly to As wants or
  set a time when the two of them can seek to
  resolve the issue. Resolution does not have to
  occur during the group meeting. Often, A just
  wants to be heard about the issue to get it off
  of his/her chest. Venting the issue to B in
  front of the group is often all that is wanted.

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More Key Examples

• Start thinking of your own examples
• Paige and San Diego
• Austin and his Grades
• Kristen and Neighbor
• Family Meeting w/ Parents and Kids

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Lets hear your examples now

• Confidentiality Reminder

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Confidentiality

• You are sworn to secrecy
• What we say here about other people
• doesnt leave here
• You can share the process
• but not the specific examples
• If you cant agree to this

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Format

• The Specific Facts are
• My Judgment is
• I Think
• In My Opinion
• That Makes Me Feel
• And I Specifically Want
• Reflect Back (Let Me See If I Understand You)
• Is There More?
• Are You Clear About This?

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The Rule of Not

• Almost always, when a person starts a sentence
  with a negative clause, you can bet the opposite
  is true. Examples
• Im not angry, but
• I dont really care if you take off on Friday
  
• I didnt mean for you to ..
• No, no, Im just fine

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The Train Trip

• Red Scotts Train Trip
• Take a day or even 2
• Finish these lists

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Lifetime Goals

• Write down the top goals you hope to achieve in
  your lifetime
• Again, not necessarily in order
• You have 1 minutego

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Next 5 years

• Write down the top things you would like to
  accomplishin the next 5 years
• Any order, streaming
• You have 1 minutego

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Revisit the Lists

• Put an X by the 3 most important things you
  value, lifetime achievements, and 5 year goals
• You have 1 minutego
• Circle top 1go
• Write a To Do list for each X

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Conclusion

• Resolution is NOT necessary!
• Listen - use good mirroring
• Dont forget to ask Is there more?
• This process works