Trauma Recovery

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Dr. Don Welch Moderator
Tonight
Healthy Confrontation in Marriage
Mary Cipriani-Price
Jennifer Costanza
645 to 800 pm Skyline Auditorium
Gary Cundiff
Dr. Marcial Felan
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My Therapist Sez

• Confrontation in Marriage

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Anything but

• Confrontation is not easy for most people
• Why?
• We cannot control the response
• And
• We dont always know if it is worth it

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Is it possible

• To imagine confrontation as positive?
• To realize it brings growth?
• To know it doesnt always lead to conflict?
• To see it as a way of changing behavioral
  patterns?

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• Every GOOD marriage has confrontation!
• Contrary to what you may think, having that
  difficult conversation youve been avoiding is
  often the most loving thing you can do in a
  relationship
• _Henry Cloud John Townsend

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Why is confrontation important?

• It keeps us authentic
• It challenges us to grow
• In marriage, we have a responsibility to both
  care and confront one another

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• Love does not blind either of you to the others
  problems it demands that you pay attention to
  them so as to help resolve them.
• _Henry Cloud John Townsend

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All of this is well and good, but

• There is a productive way to confront
• And
• A destructive way

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The good news is

• You get to choose which way it will be
• Truthful, grace-filled and loving
• Or
• Hurtful, blaming and damaging

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Have you considered
The power of your tongue?
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• Proverbs 1218
• There is one whose rash words are like sword
  thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings
  healing.

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• Proverbs 154
• A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but
  perverseness in it breaks the spirit.

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• James 35-6
• So the tongue is a little member and boasts of
  great things. How great a forest is set ablaze
  by a small fire. And the tongue is a fire.

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When my wife comes around the corner and finds
me at the top of a ladder changing a burnt-out
lightbulb--a task that might have been on the
list for days or weeks--she'll look up at me with
a surprised, fetching smile and say, 'Oh, great,
you're changing the light bulb. Look at you up
there! So manly...' And, sometimes, a comment
like this is all I need. Christopher Russell
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Remember

• Positive reinforcement goes a long way
• And
• Nagging is unproductive

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For the Confronter

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Confrontation made simple

• Carefully prepare by defining the problem for
  yourself
• Examine your own pattern of behavior
• Remember the issue is the problem, not your
  partner

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During Confrontation

• Express yourself and your need without blaming
• Listen, listen, listen
• Believe your partner has your best interest
• Be affirming-show your spouse he/she is valued

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A General Rule

• I feel _______ when you _______, because I
  interpret that as ________.

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For the Confronted
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Ask yourself

• Am I open to listening in order to learn more
  about my spouse?
• Or
• Am I reacting to defend myself
  because I feel attacked or threatened?

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Contrary to popular belief

• You CANNOT change your spouse but you CAN be an
  agent for change
• You CAN change your own behavior
• You CAN learn to (and CHOOSE to) manage your
  emotions

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• You can CHOOSE to listen
• You can CHOOSE to respond with respect and
  compassion
• NO ONE can MAKE you feel a certain way

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Did you notice?

• You have a choice
• You are not powerless
• You decide to confront
• with both grace
• and truth

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• Proverbs 276
• Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but
  deceitful are the kisses of the enemy.

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Dr. Don Welch Moderator
Tonight
Healthy Confrontation in Marriage
Mary Cipriani-Price
Jennifer Costanza
645 to 800 pm Skyline Auditorium
Gary Cundiff
Dr. Marcial Felan
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Dr. Don Welch Moderator
Next month
Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?
Dr. Keith Olson
Sam Moehlenpah
Wednesday, August 6, 2008 645 to 800
pm Skyline Auditorium
Kathryn de Bruin
Dr. Marcial Felan