Power of positive parenting

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Power of positive parenting

• How to get behavior change in your child before
  it is to late.

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Basics of Human behavior

• Why do we do the things that we do?
• Attention
• Escape
• Tangible
• Automatic
• Kids are the same way they do things for a
  reason, even if they can not tell you why

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Where and When we behave

• Our behavior happens for a reason- to get
  something, but it also happens in a location-
  around other people-
• Can you think of things that you do around some
  people that you do not do around others? Why is
  that?
• We have learned that some things are reinforced
  in the presence of certain people and ignored or
  punished in the presence of others.

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Product of our environment

• We all learn throughout our lives, and each
  experience shapes or molds our future behavior.
• The more consistent the environment the quicker
  the learning.
• Inconsistent pay offs are bad, people keep
  engaging in behaviors with the hope that this one
  will be the big one-

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Just like us

• Can you think of a behavior that many people do
  that almost everyone loses at in the long run,
  but that people keep on doing?
• How many people would gamble if they lost every
  single time?
• Delayed consequences do not work- Why do health
  risks of smoking not stop people from engaging in
  this behavior (inconsistent and removed)

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What are you reinforcing?

• A reinforcer is something that is positive
  (defined by the person not by us) that follows a
  behavior.
• Our children, not us, define what is reinforcing-
  not everyone likes Marilyn Manson but some people
  would pay 100 for good seats-

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Why this is the time to act

• Why is now the most important time to act?
• You currently have control of the reinforcers
• In a few years peers, not you, will be the most
  powerful force related to reinforcement
• If behaviors become entrenched now, the chance of
  changing them later diminishes
• You are setting the stage for teen years now, the
  payoff positive or negative can be HUGE

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How to Change Behavior- by Using Reinforcement

• If you want a person to do something more often,
  or do something other than what they are doing,
  we need to reinforce it.
• Start by determining what you want the child to
  do
• Define when, where, and how you want the child to
  behave

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• If your child is not doing something you want
  them to do or is not doing it often enough, then
  increase reinforcement for this behavior.
• If it is important use reminders/ schedules/
  planners/checklists
• If the child has problems
• Make the behavior an expectation, and make it
  happen before earning something they like

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• Common intervention strategies to make things
  happen more often
• Point systems
• Token economies
• Behavioral contracts
• The most important thing is that you MUST BE
  CONSISTANT. IF you say a child will get ___ for
  doing what you want, you must follow through.
  (how would you feel if your boss said you were
  getting a bonus and it never came)

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The importance of being assertive

• You have the right as a parent to be assertive
  and develop a home that provides optimal learning
  and nurturing in light of your own strengths and
  weaknesses.
• You have the right to determine and request
  appropriate behavior from children that meets
  your needs and encourages social and educational
  development

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• To be assertive you need to be able to
• Identify your wants and feelings
• Verbalize wants and feelings both positive and
  negative.
• Persist in stating wants and feelings.
• Verbalize in a firm tone of voice.
• Maintain eye contact when speaking.
• Reinforce verbal statements with non-verbal
  gestures.

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Non-Assertive

• do not clearly let the child know what they want
• if they do let them know the expectation they do
  not back up their words with actions.
• This teaches the child that ignore parent
  instructions is OK, nothing bad will happen (or
  chance of follow up is small)!!

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Example

• Mrs. W is home with her fifth grader, there are
  many days that she feels powerless to deal with
  her oldest child. Her fifth grader is aware of
  her insecurities and takes advantage of them when
  he can. After school Mrs. W asks Johny to please
  try to be quite, because she has a head ache. He
  said he would after his favorite song was over,
  after the song he shut off the music but began to
  bounce a ball in the house, Mrs. W said I give
  up on you, you never listen. Johny stopped
  bouncing the ball but a moment later was playing
  a video game with the volume on high.

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Assertive

• When an assertive individual responds to a
  child's inappropriate behavior it is called
  assertive limit setting.
• An example would be Mrs. W has a headache, and
  her son Johny is home playing his music loudly.
  She approaches Johny and tells him firmly, You
  need to be quite I have told you I have a
  headache, you have a choice, play quietly or go
  to your room

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Aggressive

• Teaches the child that threats are the way to get
  ones way
• Teaches that it is OK to hurt the feelings of
  others in getting ones way
• Often leads to unrealistic threats being made
  which can lead to other problems
• Is poor modeling- can lead to the child bullying
  and intimidation

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Example

• Johny is playing his music loudly while Mrs. W
  has a headache, she walks up to him, grabs his
  arm and shouts at him Ive had it with you,
  young man. If you are going to act a fool Ill
  treat you like one. If you play this music that
  loud again you will be sorry you were ever born

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Appropriate Behavior

• When a person does not respond (or reinforce) to
  a child who is doing what we want them to do,
  they are not strengthening the behavior-Many
  parents think that they should not have to
  because the kids are supposed to be good without
  being told to be. Without being told you are
  doing good at work are you more or less likely to
  keep doing what the boss wants?

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Appropriate behavior

• Aggressive people may not reinforce behavior
  which is appropriate, they may respond with
  sarcasm when the child does what they want it is
  about time you acted your age and controlled your
  mouth This may punish or diminish the chance of
  the child continuing to act this way

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Assertive response to appropriate behavior

• Parent clearly tells the child about their
  recognition of and support for the behavior.
• great job for _________
• fantastic job with that ____________
• Thank you for _________________
• State what you are praising them for and do it
  quickly after the behavior!!

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Things to avoid

• 1. Asking for intermediate behavior goals
• Asking the child to make an effort to change
• Try to cut down on the number of fights
• Dont let me catch you _______
• I want you to tell me why you fight all the time
• Ask the child to face up to a problem behavior
• These all are not what you want you want change
  in behavior

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• 2. Making statements which does not communicate
  what you want the child to do.
• Asking questions- why are you doing that, what's
  wrong with you
• Making statements of fact, you just wrote on the
  wall.
• Asking the child to stop will you please stop
  screaming (does not state clear demand with
  consequences for non-compliance)

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• 3. Making statements about what you want but not
  backing up the words with necessary consequences
  to impress the child and influence the child to
  choose to eliminate the behavior
• If you do this you are setting the child up to
  know what you want them to do but not to know the
  consequence for misbehavior

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• 4. Making a demand, and threatening to follow
  through but not doing so.
• THIS ONE IS A KILLER DO NOT DO THIS
• Teaches the child that they can ignore you and
  that nothing will happen, or that you are only
  serious after it has been said 5 times and you
  use the look. You are training the child only to
  respond once you are really mad.

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• 5. Ignoring the behavior, does not teach the
  child boundaries
• 6. Waiting to later, at the end of something
  telling a child they did good, or that your are
  mad does little to impact the behavior it needs
  to be immediate
• 7. Failure to back up words with actions, repeat
  an instruction only once before stating
  expectation and consequence, do not end up like a
  broken record.

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• 8. Using you statements which convey a put down,
  and that do not tell the child what you want them
  to do
• you just dont understand because you never
  listen
• you are really acting like a baby
• These do not express what you want them to do or
  what will happen if they do not change/stop

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• Failure of being specific, stop running in the
  house or else!
• Utilize consequences that are over severe and
  that are unrealistic.
• Example- for fighting with your sister you have 3
  weeks of no television. Two days later the child
  is watching TV but only an hour a day do what
  you say and say what you will do.

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Roadblocks

• We set up roadblocks to changing behavior when
  we make excuses,
• The child has ADHD, they can not control
  themselves
• She is just immature
• It is peer pressure
• I was rambunctious as a child, it is in our
  genes.

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• These explanations can lead us to stop trying, or
  to lower our expectations, and kids quickly find
  out what our expectations are and may not strive
  to surpass them.
• If a child knows we think that they are immature
  this may give them license to act more immature,
  same thing with emotionally disturbed, or angry

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Avoiding roadblocks

• Deal realistically with the child and your
  potential influence on his behavior- realize not
  all children are the same, but they all learn the
  same way- by consistency.
• Child differences are determine the reinforcer
  that works best.
• Accept that you have the right to set FIRM LIMITS
  and that all children need them.

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How effectively

• To improve your ability to change children's
  behavior you need to know where you are at so you
  can know what to work on how are you on the
  following 4 things?

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Communication of needs

• Do you clearly tell the child what you want them
  to do or are you vague ?
• IF I came into your home could your child tell me
  what they are supposed to be doing- specifically,
  could you?

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Verbal Assertion

• How effectively do you assert yourself?
• How effectively do you respond to things you do
  not want your child to do?
• How effectively do you praise or reinforce what
  you do what them to do?
• BOTH ARE IMPORTANT, OTHERWISE IF A CHILD IS
  DRIVEN FOR ATTENTION THEY MAY MISBEHAVE TO GET
  IT!!!

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Follow through

• If your words are not enough to change the
  child's behavior how well do you follow through?
• Is it as stated or implied, immediate or delayed,
  consistently delivered or inconsistently?

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Planning and communication

• How well do you plan your discipline, do you have
  a plan?
• Does your spouse know the plan?
• Is your spouse on board?
• Are you sending mixed messages?
• Does this effect consistency?
• What message does this send?
• Do you see different behaviors depending on who
  is around? IF so there are probably difference in
  consistency.

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Limit setting

• It is not just what you say but how you say it.
• Use non-verbal cues to ensure attention
• EYE CONTACT
• Hand gestures
• Childs name
• Touch
• Have the child repeat the instruction

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Consequences

• Use ones that you are comfortable with
• Something the child does not like
• Provided as a choice
• Provided as soon as possible- immediately
• Provided in a matter of fact tone of voice
• Provided every time the child disregards limits

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Your wants and needs

• What do you want from your kids?
• Go from vague to specific
• We can only strengthen behavior that we know we
  want, not global classes of behavior

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How to develop a plan

• Figure out what you want to happen more often?
• How are you going to get it to happen more often?
• What is the pay off for the child for doing this?

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The importance of consistency

• INCONSISTANCY KILLS, IT SETS YOU UP TO LOSE
  CONTROL, PERHAPS NOT TODAY BUT IN THE LONG RUN.
  BE CONSISTANT

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Take home messages

• BE CONSISTANT
• Reinforce what you want to happen
• Set firm limits
• BE CONSISTANT
• Addressing behaviors early on is the way to go,
  once things are established they are harder to
  change

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• Two behaviors to be very conscious of, to discuss
  with your children, and to use strong
  consequences for are bullying and racial slurs,
  these can become major impediments in life and
  education.
• People become habituated to punishment, when you
  use it, go big and do it rarely.
• Never make empty threats!!!

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Questions/trouble shooting

• What questions do you have
• Give handouts