Agent Oldies Top Secret Adventures

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Agent Oldies Top Secret Adventures

• By Ashley Poorat Alora Manley

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The Mission
Agent Oldie, James Bond, Or Agent 007s dear old
mum, works for the S.O.P.O., Special Old People
Operations, the CIAs (Central Intelligence
Agencys) department for old people who still
think they can kick boo-ty. Agent
Oldie still firmly believes she is young and
beautiful, and her boss, Agent Britney E. Spears,
has given her a choice of three missions Should
she be
Shanainai
Sarah Marie
Sammy
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Shanainai
Shanainai Adams is a blonde seductress who likes
to wear her signature Hot Tamale Red lipstick,
nail polish and perfume. Though she acts suave,
she is a bit of a klutz and has been known to
break others bones
Shanainais mission is to kidnap the guy who
plays Barney in that TV show and arrest him. That
guy who plays Barney, Giorgio Armanito, has been
charged with molesting the boys on his show,
money laundering, drug abuse, doing a show UNDER
THE INFLUENCE (wink, wink) and of course, for
indecent exposure at the set of Barney goes to
Tijuana many, many, many times. Should
Shanainai
1. Dress up as a crazed mother who is a
Barney-Fan and wants their child to meet Barney.
2. Get a job on his Barney goes to East Compton
set
3. Abduct Barney and take him to Dennys for
All-You-Can-Eat Pancakes and day old Bacon?
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Sammy
Samantha Richards is a brilliant brunette,
charming, athletic, and fun. She can light up a
room with just the fascinating sparkle of her
champagne-colored eyes. Sporty Sammy some call
her, because of her intense knowledge of sports.
You might find Miss. Sammy at a sports bar
watching the latest football game and drinking a
Bloody Mary.
Sammys mission is to finish off Mr. Moo and
Kate C. Shaw, presidents of Telletubbies Inc.
They are secretly brainwashing little children
with their almost silent TV show and suspicious
activities on the show. Unfortunately, Kate C.
Shaw had a heart attack, and was unable for
investigation. Sammy will have to finish off
Mr. Moo
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Mr. Moo
Although he works with Kate C. Shaw, they are
never found in the same room together, thus
making it much more difficult to take the
Telletubbies industry down. Thats why you must
follow Mr. Moo to find how they are brain washing
little kids into buying their merchandise.
How will you do this?
1. Be hired as a stunt double for one of the
Telletubbies.
2. Get a job as a cleaning girl so you can
rummage through Mr. Moos papers.
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Stunt Double
So your on the set of the Telletubbies new movie
special, Telletubbies learn how to ride a Bike.
You have been cast as the yellow Telletubbie.
Because you figure their should be some
suspicious people you happily put on your
costume. They tell you to ride the yellow bike,
how surprising, But as you take your seat you
notice that Mr. Moo has just left the building
carrying a large black bag.
What do you do?
1. Tackle Mr. Moo and maybe get arrested.
2. Continue with the scene you think maybe hes
just going out to smoke.
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Cleaning Lady
You start off in the bottom floor and try to find
where the elevator is. Stumbling around the
secretaries desk you notice that she has the room
number for Mr. Moo. You hurry and grab the paper
so that no one knows you did not take trash. Room
4-B. That must mean its the fourth floor. But
then one of the employees says they have much
trash for you.
Do You?
1. Take out the trash, you figure Mr. Moo can
wait.
2. Do you run away from the employee and risk
blowing your cover. Finding Mr.Moo is to
important to wait!
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Dumpster
While making your way to the dumpster on the top
of the building, you see an open office door,
like any normal human you look inside, but to
your surprise theirs no one inside. You look at
the name of the office, You have found Mr. Moos
room! You hurry and run inside, theirs an open
window in front of you. You glance down to the
streets below, and see a crippled bloody body.
Ambulances show up as you make your way to the
streets. You see that Mr. Moo is dead!
Mission Accomplished!
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Mr. Moos Office
You see an open office door, like any normal
human you look inside, but to your surprise
theirs no one inside. You look at the name of the
office, You have found Mr. Moos room! You hurry
and run inside, theirs an open window in front of
you. You glance down to the streets below, and
see a crippled bloody body.
Ambulances show up as you make your way to the
streets. You see that Mr. Moo is dead!
Mission Accomplished!
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Sara Marie
Sara Marie is an interesting lady. She speaks
over 23 languages, including, Farsi, Swahili,
Maori and a special Secret Agent Language called
Oogle-boogle. With her fascinating red hair,
blue eyes, and intriguing tattoos written in
Maori, she is often found at Starbucks, indulging
in a Grande Vanilla Cappuccino and reading the
Gossip Girl books. Sara's mission is to steal the
Emerald of Banjo from the ugly, despicable and
un-fashionable Frances Fran-sickle, Fran
Martian. Fran works at a neighborhood IHOP near
you, and right now, they have unlimited pancakes.
But thats not relevant. She has stolen the
priceless Emerald of Banjo from CIA headquarters
and taken back to her bed at Saint Bar-B-Qs
Shelter for the Homeless. Sara Marie has 2
choices should she?
Dress up as a homeless and try to take the
Emerald at St. Bar-B-Qs?
Wait until Fran has left for her job, and then
rummage through her belongings, claiming to be
cleaning and giving things away to the homeless?
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Being A Crazed Mother
Running into the Barney Goes To East Compton
set, Shanainai shows the VIP card given to her
exclusively by the S.O.P.O. and runs to meet the
elusive-but-ever-so-popular Giorgio. Armed with
plenty of Hot Tamale perfume, lipstick and nail
polish, she adjusts her corn silk blonde wig and
runs to meet Barney. Barneys personal assistant
informs Shanainai that Barney (Giorgio) is taking
a shower. Should Shanainai
Prep the room with a booby trap and wait until
he gets out of his shower?
Bust into his shower and arrest him right then
and there.
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Getting A Job At The East Compton
Set
Your job description is to be the costume
designers assistant. Your dress code of
gangster clothing is supplied by the costume
designer, and soon outfitted in a hot red sweat
suit, you adjust your beanie and get to work on
prepping the room with a trap so that when
Barney (Giorgio ) walks in, hell be trapped
completely. After a week on the job, you finally
acquire a private clothing fitting with Barney.
Your room is all prepped and you are excited to
at last achieve your mission. But your plan
doesnt go as smoothly as possible. As the door
opens, you see that it is Jillian Barneys secret
girlfriend and your boss. The traps goes
perfectly and she is caught up, but this is not
the person you were looking for. Do you
Kill Jillian with cyanide and reset the trap.
Inform her that Barney asked this to be put in
to keep out intruders and apologize for the
accident.
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The Abduction
Of Barney
Creeping into Barneys expensive mansion in
Ashley, Illinois , you find Barney sleeping
peacefully. As you whip out your box of 320
deadly tranquilizers, you are stopped by Annie
Shizzle, your 9 year-old granddaughter. How did
she get here? Grandma, I dont care
if you think you are a top secret agent, you
cant hurt Barney. Hes beloved to many
children. Annie has a point. Should you
Kill Annie Shizzle and carry out your
mission. It doesnt matter if your stupid
granddaughter wants to be all noble, you have a
job. Someones gotta pay da bills.
Understand what your granddaughter says and do
not abduct Barney. You walk away with her and
abandon your mission.
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You and Annie walk away from the mission and you
realize how wrong you were. You jet setting back
to S.O.P.O. and tell Britney E. Spears that you
quit. Of course, you didnt realize that she
would revoke your VIP card, Starbucks Card, Red
Cadillac and of course your Café Latte-colored
belt.
Now youre enjoying retirement with that
dreadful thing called your mother.
The End
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Barney The Booby Trap
With your amazing booby trap set up in the
dressing room, you now wait anxiously for Barney
to enter. You feel so special Take that, James
Bond Mission Impossible. Youre going to arrest
the Barnster. Spraying yourself with some Hot
Tamale perfume, you get ready.
BamBam Boom. Barney enters and is immediately
caught in the trap. Unfortunately for Barney,
S.O.P.O has a whole group of secret agents
waiting to strike. But unfortunately for you, the
secret agents fall in love with Barney they
cant kill him and you are left to finish him
off.
Do you kill him.
Or run away?
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Okay, so maybe you never knew that Barneys
shower is armed with private guards. They send
you back into the room, and you come up with the
brilliant idea that you should booby trap the
room..
Booby Trapping the Room
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The Homeless Albino
Dressing up as an albino-homeless woman named
Chi-chi, you rummage through Frans belongings,
finding a gun, some money, a pack of cigarettes,
and a large jewelry box you saw a week ago being
sold at T.J. Maxx. Eagerly you unload the gun,
empty out the cigarette pack, and finally, snap
open the lid of the cheap jewelry box. Inside is
a bunch of the ugliest jewelry youve ever seen,
a few quarters and some sort of cloth bag.
Grinning, you open the bag up to find a large,
round, jade-colored stone. The Emerald Of
Banjo!!!! Suddenly, you feel a tap on your
shoulder. As you whip around, theres Fran
standing there, with her new credit-card-size
gun, the one you saw on NBC 7 39. Do you
1. Convince Fran you dont speak English with
your mastery of 23 languages.
2. Kill Fran
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After finishing telling Fran in 9 languages that
you dont understand English, and bowing to Fran,
you manage to smuggle the Emerald back to SOPO in
lightening speed, but as soon as you walk back
out the door of SOPO, you are caught immediately
by Frannie, who proceeds to then kill you slowly
with a variety of Roman torture methods she
learned in Milan during a fashion show. As you
lie, bleeding to death in the SOPO back garden,
which is disguised like a school yard of Regal
Middle School for Gifted Children, you grin when
you realize that your mission was completed.
Pulling out a handy pistol, you shoot Fran in the
back, and you both die in the garden, surrounded
by camellias, roses and daisies. The soft grass
is nice way to die, you decide.
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Trying to kill Frannie is harder than you
expected. She has secret ninja moves she learned
in some weird country, and you have a very hard
time keeping her off you. Finally, you throw her
off you, and run to S.O.P.O. ASAP. There, Britney
congratulates you on completing your mission and
asks to see the emerald. Beaming, you toss her
the emerald, and are astonished when she assumes
a shocked look. This isnt the Emerald Of Banjo!
Its a toy from Chuck E. Cheese! After firing you
from SOPO, Britney calls your son to come pick
you up. Your son, Johnny-No-Thumbs, as you
delightfully call him, is astonished when he
realizes you were fired. He believes, of course,
you were fired from a position as the Activities
Director at Gloomy Lake, a retirement home in
Miami. And you dont say anything because of
course, this is Miami, and there are about 4
million retirement homes, so why should he know?
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Killing Barney with your secret action Ninja
moves you learned from Spiderman, you destroy
him. Happy, as you are, you return to S.O.P.O.
only to find that Barney has a replacement But
you completed your mission, so who cares?
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After trying to run away, you see that Barney is
beloved by all. Little kids shoot toy arrows at
you One, with particularly good aim, tosses you
into the San Fransisco Bay. You drown, slowly,
but will always remember Barney.
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You find out, a little too late, you think, that
Jillian is an agent for SOPOS rival, O.P. inc,
(Old Peoples Incorporated) . She pushes you out
of the window Down you fall, until you hit the
ground with an ugly thump Youre dead.
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After killing Annie Shizzle, you cant take the
pain, so you stab yourself with a paper
clip. Youre dead