8 steps to starting a healthy going out relationship

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8 steps to starting a healthy going out
relationship
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Step 1
Compatibility
sharing essential core values
For a Jesus centred person..
Christ needs to be already at the centre of both
lives
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Step 1
Compatibility
Is he/she Jesus centred?
Does he/she have a similar set of spiritual
values to you?
Style of worship?
Spiritual gifts?
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Step 1
Compatibility
NEVER enter a relationship thinking you will help
convert a non-believing or even interested
person to the Christian faith!
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Step 2
Long-term stability
Take a long-term view!
What evidence is there that this person displays
long-term stability in their life?
Dont practise short term relationships coz
thats what youll get!
How many previous relationships have they had?
When did the last one end?
As a guide, people need a 1 year break after a
major relationship has ended.
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Step 2
Long-term stability
Do they display the fruit of the Spirit?
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness,
gentleness, faithfulness, self control.
Impossible to discover these in anyone in less
than 3 months!!
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Step 2
Long-term stability
Find out from other people! What do his/her
friends or contacts say about him/her?
If in St Marys. ask advice of staff!
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Step 2
Long-term stability
NOTE People on ALPHA, or visiting St Marys
interested in faith/church, are OUT OF BOUNDS as
a hunting ground for relationships!
Welcome to the ALPHA Course!
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Step 3
Does ordinary conversation with them energise you?
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Step 4
Just be good friends
Best done initially amongst other friends than
alone together.
Friendship is the foundation for all good
relationships, and takes time!
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Step 5
Learn to pray together
Prayer is one of the best tests of spiritual
compatibility there is.
But beware! Prayer is an intimate experience
that can lead to closer intimacy than planned!
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Step 6
Do you like them as they are, warts and all?
Dont start a relationship thinking you will
change them. You probably wont!
Real love is when you are loved even with all
your idiosyncracies!
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Step 7
Do you find them attractive physically?
But remember Personality, character and values
attraction is much more important than physical
attraction in a relationship.
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Step 8
Do you think you could serve Jesus better by
being together than by being apart?
Would you complement and add value to one
anothers ministry?
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If all 8 steps are fulfilled, in the context of
good friendships within a group of other
friends.. then.. and only then, consider a
going out relationship with this person.
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Id love to have a Jesus-centred partner..
Im watching you, coz I feel like that too.
Remember. people watch you!!
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St Mary's Soap
This episode
Despite all the advice, Jo dives into a
relationship too quick. And then regrets it.
What does she do now?!
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
Jo doesnt resist Steves advances, and starts to
go out with him. So.
She has already compromised the Christian values
she claims to hold so high.
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For
what do righteousness and wickedness have in
common? Or what fellowship can light have with
darkness? What harmony is there between Christ
and Beliel? What agreement is there between the
temple of God and idols? For we are the temple
of the living God. (2 Cor 614-16).
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
Steve will probably not be interested in the
Christian faith any more, because he now has what
he wants Jo.
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
Steve will sooner or later start to push Jo for
sex. Jo, thinking she will lose Steve if she
doesnt (and secretly may even want to anyway
even though she knows it is wrong), has sex with
Steve.
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
Jo now feels guilty. Her prayer life starts to
disintegrate as she doesnt want to confess sin
but not do anything about it.
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
So Jo now starts to justify her behaviour to make
her feel better.
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
The consequences of her behaviour and attitude
now however mean she has to step down from any
leadership position in the church community, and
the possibility of it for the near future.
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
Jo gets angry about this and says shes prayed
about it and God says its OK so who are we to
say she cant have the relationship and still
lead.
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
She makes sure all her friends know this too
(preferably making them feel sorry for her).
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
Feeling uncomfortable in the presence of
Christian friends now, Jo starts avoiding them
and pulling out of the church community. even
when a hand of friendship is extended.
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
So Steves impression of the Christian faith
is.. ?
some-one for whom faith doesnt make a huge
difference! So why bother with the faith?!
and, what the heck hes still got Jo!
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COMPATIBLE VALUES
so Jos intentions for Steve to come to faith
are completely ruined..
along with her own faith in the process
and Jesus and the Christian community weep
and some-one else has been watching
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Id love to have a Jesus-centred partner, but
there just arent any suitable ones around!
Im watching you, coz I feel like that too.
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So Steves better than nothing! After all
theres not that much wrong with it, is there?!
Well if shes a Christian and done that it must
be OK for me too.
so theres now 2 lives wrecked
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So. despite all the advice, Jo dives into the
relationship.
However. After a while she realises shes
missing something and Steve isnt giving it to
her. Its the happiness she felt before. Now
she starts to regret the relationship, but shes
worried about the effect on Steve. What does she
do now?!
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But what do I do?!
4 steps
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If some-one has started an unmarried relationship
with some-one who does not have Jesus at the
centre (ie not faith compatible)
If other values are similar
Step 1

• Keep the relationship, but recognise you are
  drifting as a Christian.

Do you really want Jesus in the centre of your
life and relationships?

• Welcome to attend church but please gracefully
  accept the Bible/churchs stance on this.

• Accept the limitations on your potential ministry
  in church community.

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Step 2
Has your partner done ALPHA?

• Invite them onto ALPHA to understand where you
  are coming from.

• Possibly suggest temporarily ending the
  relationship till after ALPHA so they can
  investigate faith for themselves without the
  distraction of a relationship.

• If they refuse ALPHA, go to Step 4 (final 3
  choices section).

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Step 3
Has your partner now got Jesus at the centre of
their life?

• You are one of the very few people to have this
  happen!

• You may need to work on the ethical side of your
  relationship together!

• Please dont use your experience as an example
  for others! Exceptions do not make good general
  practice (eg smoking)!

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Step 3
Has your partner now got Jesus at the centre of
their life?
Wait!! Dont make any quick decisions.
Are they still seriously thinking about the
Christian faith, even if you break off the
relationship?
If no progress after 3 months, go to Step 4
(final 3 choices)
Go to Step 4 (final 3 choices section).
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Step 4
Your partner has made no visible progress in the
journey of faith (or there are other negative
aspects of the relationship)
You need to make one of 3 final choices
All choices will be painful!
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Final Choice 1
Continue the relationship

• Probably pretend everything is OK
• Difficulty of sharing in a community where others
  disagree with you, with temptation to argue case.
• Major limitations to your Christian ministry (eg
  no areas of responsibility).

Others are watching and will follow you.
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Final Choice 1 (Continued)
Continue the relationship
.to marriage (or worse, living together),
knowing it is not Jesus-centred, and have the
heart-ache of a non-Jesus-centred partner who
cant share your deepest experiences and values.
Others are watching and will follow you.
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Final Choice 2
Keep your partner and give up Jesus so he doesnt
get in the way.
Others are watching and will follow you.
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Final Choice 3
Call off the relationship, knowing this will
cause your partner (and family if applicable)
pain, and probably spoil their view of the
Christian faith for years/life.
Others are watching and will follow you.
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You have 1 of 3 choices to make. All cause pain.
1
Continue relationship. Living together/marriage.
partner who cant share your deepest experiences
or values.
2
Give up Jesus/church so he doesnt get in the way.
Best!
3
Call off the relationship.
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Final Choice 3
Best!
3
Call off the relationship.
This in our experience has proved to be the best
option if you want to serve Christ effectively.