The Best Way Out of a Difficult Situation is Through It

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The Best Way Out of a Difficult Situation is
Through It!
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Dealing with Difficult People

• Presented by
• Debby Spott
• EEOD Specialist

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The Bad News Is

• You cant change the other person.

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The Good News Is

• You can change your response to the difficult
  person.

Prepare and prevent instead of repair and
repent.
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There are two ways to deal with difficulties
- alter the difficulties
- alter yourself to meet the difficulties
If you do nothing but cry about it, your brain
will rust!
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Definition of Difficult People

• Those who dont do what you want them to do
• But do what you dont want them to
• Leaving you not knowing what to do about it!

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• While dealing with difficult people will never be
  enjoyable, learning coping skills will help you
  to
• Maintain your self-esteem
• Feel in control of your personal situation
• Remain job focused and productive

No one can make you feel inferior without your
consent.
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Temperament and How It Relates to Difficult People
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The Ruler

• Gets to the point
• Task Oriented
• Very assertive
• Efficient
• Excellent Time Managers
• Bottom Line People

I WANT IT NOW!!!
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TANKS

• Have a strong need to prove they are right
• See tasks to be done as clear and concrete
• Have a strong sense of what others should do
• Attack before being attacked
• Love the fight
• Expect you will back down

As a general rule, the angriest person in an
argument is the one who is wrong.
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Your Reaction

• To take the wind out of an angry persons sails,
  stay calmdont blow.
• After theyve vented, get their attention
• If possible, get them to sit down
• Maintain eye contact
• Be direct when giving opinions
• Be ready to be friendly

Tanks
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Perenniel Experts

• Know everything about everything
• Cram their opinions down your throat
• Tend to see the ideas of others as irrelevant
• No tolerance for subjecting their opinionated
  statements to debate

Theres a new book on the market for experts who
know everything a contradictionary!
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Your Reaction
Perenniel Experts

• Do your homework verify the information
• Dont use counterarguments instead, ask solid
  questions
• Do not mirror the behavior
• A last resort Let them be the experts!

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SNIPERS

• Takes pot shots at issues and people
• Uses jokes that are disrespectful and insensitive
  to veil real issue
• Often is acting out as a result of an unheeded
  problem or concern

One can send oneself to an early grave if one
keeps digging.
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Your Reaction
SNIPERS

• Call attention to the comment
• Respond to the positive parts of the comment
• Get points of view from more than one person
• Probe deeper to get at the root of the problem or
  misunderstanding

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The Analytic

• Columbo must get all the info
• Task Oriented
• Concerned with the accuracy of the task
• Slow paced and deliberate
• Number Crunchers

If I could just get that last piece of data
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WHINERS

• Finds fault in just about everything
• Want other people to solve their problems
• Have an accusatory style
• Always has to hold someone responsible

The way some people find fault, youd think
there was a reward.
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Your Reaction
Whiners

• Listen attentively to their complaints
• Acknowledge what they are saying by paraphrasing
  acknowledge main points of complaint to shut
  them off
• Ask if theyve confronted the problem in any way
• Move to a problem solving mode by asking specific
  questions

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WET BLANKETS

• Unable to work through basic human disappointment
• Equate everything to helplessness
• Have no belief in their power to influence
  outcomes
• Resent people who make the decisions they feel
  the victim of

Nothing is handed to me on a silver platter
except tarnish.
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Your Reaction
Wet Blankets

• Do not let their words get you down
• Make statements about past successes regarding
  similar situations
• Do not impose optimism where it is not asked for
  do not argue
• Use them as a resource
• In the end do not be afraid to proceed as
  planned...

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The Relater

• Quick to get along with people
• Sensitive
• People who cannot have fun at anothers expense
• Full of empathy
• Crave others approval

I just want everyone to get along
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Bobble Heads

• Strong need to be liked and accepted
• Make others feel liked and approved of
• Dont want to risk relationship by saying no
• Will commit themselves to actions they cannot or
  will not follow through on

Its a lot easier to nod as if you agree with
someone than it is to explain why you dont.
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Your Reaction

• Make honesty non-threatening.
• Be personal when you can let them know they are
  accepted
• Let them know its okay to decline if they really
  cant do something
• Let them know a compromise would be acceptable

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Indecisives
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?

• Dont want to hurt anyone
• Postpone decisions that could have a negative
  impact on relationships
• This pattern works for them because as time goes
  by, most decisions, if unmade, become irrelevant

There are two sides to every question if you
want to be liked you must take both!
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Your Reaction

• Surface the issue
• Acknowledge the relationship make it easy for
  them to be direct
• Help problem solve outline alternatives
• Ensure you have a commitment
• Give acknowledgement and support after a decision
  is made

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INVISIBLES

• Silent, unresponsive types who wont or cant
  talk when you need a response
• Often difficult to understand what the silence or
  lack of response means
• Could be way of handling potentially painful,
  interpersonal situations
• Could be calculated aggression withholding
  conversation when you want it

A secret is like an aching tooth it keeps you
uneasy until it comes out.
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Your Reaction

• Ask open-ended questions
• Invite a response with a friendly, silent stare
  wait calmly for a response
• Dont fill the space let silence prevail
• Dont try to interpret what the silence means
• If you dont get a response, comment on whats
  happening
• Help break the tension, if necessary
• Be attentive when the clam begins to talk let
  them talk about whatever is on their mind.
• If the clam refuses to talk, set up a follow-up
  meeting or inform the clam what you will do next
  with or without them.

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The Entertainer

• Need to be the center of attention
• Want recognition
• Spontaneous
• Can always one-up you

Please pass the microphone
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TIME BOMBS

• Responds to perceived threats by losing control
• Uses tantrums as an equalizing mechanism
• Is like a revolver in the hands of a weakling
• Can reverse critical decisions

Revenge may be sweet, but not when you are on
the receiving end
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Your Reaction

• Turn the attention away from them so that they
  can regain self-control
• If they do not, break into the tirade with a
  neutral phrase
• Show them concern and that you take them
  seriously
• If needed, get a breather and get some privacy
  with them

Speak when you are angry and youll make the
best speech youll ever regret.
Time Bombs
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Balloons

• So concerned about prestige, feel they need to
  know everything about everything
• They can present their case so convincingly that
  they can lead everyone down a dead end road

An expert is one who knows more and more about
less and less -- Nicholas Butler
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Your Reaction

• Dont inhale their hot air
• Use I statements to state correct facts, then
  change the subject to give them time to absorb
  this new information
• Avoid accusations or debate
• Give them the opportunity to save face

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If you treat an individual as he is, he will
stay as he is, but if you treat him as if he were
what he ought to be, then he will become what he
out to be and what he could be.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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• YOU CAN BE THE ONE TO
• MAKE THINGS HAPPEN
• WATCH THINGS HAPPEN
• OR ASK WHAT HAPPENED

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Taking Responsibility for Yourself

• Know what you want out of a relationship
• be specific to how you want to react
• Pay attention to what you are seeing, hearing,
  feeling and doing
• act on behaviors, not assumptions listen for
  the real message
• Be flexible
• people are predictable introduce variables

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Summing It Up

• Put problem people in proper perspective.
• Youre nothing but an afterthought to them, so
  dont take their antics personally.
• Theyre not concerned about you because theyre
  too busy worrying about themselves.
• You just happen to be an obstacle or an
  ingredient to their getting what they want.
• You need to figure out how to break free of their
  control.

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Summing It Up

• Take your pick positive or negative
• You cant concentrate on constructive, creative
  alternatives while you cling to negative
  feelings.
• Go somewhere to vent your emotions and cool off.
• Think about the result you really want or the
  outcome that will most benefit you.
• That will help you let go of the hurt.

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Summing It Up

• Dont expect difficult people to change.
• They wont.
• In one way, this is good, because it makes them
  predictable and you can anticipate your tactics
  for your next dealing with them.
• They may not change, but by choosing a better
  approach you can change the outcome.

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Summing It Up

• Learn to respond as well as to listen.
• Come forward and state that you feel hurt, upset,
  enraged.
• No one can read your mind.
• Sometimes the offense was totally unintentional
  and can be easily resolved if surfaced.
• Ask questions instead of making accusations.
• If you let others save face, you give them room
  to change their minds.

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Summing It Up

• Give and request constant feedback.
• Dont stew about what someone else may be
  thinking ask.
• Use open-ended questions to let people vent their
  feelings before you try to reason with them and
  explore options.
• When you link your own objectives to another
  persons desires, not only do you get their
  attention, but you also both win something.

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Summing It Up

• Deal directly and discreetly.
• Choose face-to-face talks over memos or phone
  conversations that conceal body language.
• Dont have an audience for personal
  disagreements.
• Confront the aggressor, tactfully putting your
  foot down if you are getting walked over.
• Get right to the point a preamble will rob you
  of your effectiveness.

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Summing It Up

• Be straightforward and unemotional.
• The more you remain calm and matter-of-fact, the
  sooner you gain anothers confidence.
• People want to feel that you are leveling with
  them that they can trust you.
• Respect from others begins with self-respect.
• Dont continue a conversation with someone who
  will not give you the courtesy you deserve you
  have choices such as asking for politeness or
  leaving.

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Summing It Up

• Be gracious.
• Someone elses rudeness doesnt give you the
  right to be rude.
• Turn a bad situation into a good one by disarming
  the offender, treating them with the kindness
  youd like to be treated with.
• Make friends with your enemies you never know
  when youll need them.
• Show appreciation and give recognition when your
  own ego is healthy, you are rich. You can afford
  to be generous.

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In Conclusion

• When you can think of yesterday without regret,
  and tomorrow without fear, you are well on the
  road to success.

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Resources

• WORKING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
• Muriel Solomon
• COPING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
• Robert M. Bramson, PH.D.
• SKILLSOFT Communications
• HOW TO DEAL WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE
• Dr. Rick Brinkman Dr. Rick Kirschner
• NEGAHOLICS NO MORE
• Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott