Communicating about sex

1
Communicating about sex

• Words, games, and attitudes
• I did not have sexual relations with that woman

2
Would you say you had sex if

• You held hands
• You cuddled each other on a sofa
• You French-kissed your partner
• You were French-kissed by your partner
• You engaged in oral-genital contact
• You engaged in penis-anus intercourse
• You engaged in penis-vagina intercourse
• (June Reinisch Stephanie Sanders, 1999)

3
Purposes of sexual communication

• Should we talk about sex? Why do we talk about
  sex, and why should we talk about sex, in the
  following situations?
• Society
• Church
• Same-sex friends
• Opposite-sex friends
• Potential sexual partners
• Mates

4
How connected are sex, love, and intimacy?

• Janus Janus (1993)
• 69 of men and 75 of women saw sex and intimacy
  as separate parts of a relationship.
• But do men and women make the distinctions for
  different reasons?
• NHSLS (1994)
• Twice as many, to four times as many women as men
  say they loved their first sexual partner
• Women can report exactly how many partners they
  have had men are more likely to report
  approximately.

5
Why is sexual communication challenging?

• Lack of practice
• Sub-cultural proscription
• Personal discomfort
• Ambiguity of all communication
• Sender--gtSenders Interpretative System--gt
  Message--gtReceivers Interpretative System--gt
  Receiver
• Choice and meaning of words
• Sex can confuse a relationship

6
Sex words

• Slang terms are popular among men talking with
  other men and, to a lesser degree, among men
  talking with women partners
• Women seem to prefer appropriate words or no
  terms at all
• Women are often offended by mens choice of
  words, especially about sexual intercourse or
  womens anatomy
• Words can cue unpleasant memories

7
More sex words

• From the late 70s to the late 80s, college
  students shifted towards preferring no words for
  sexual anatomy.
• The phrase sexual intercourse has almost
  disappeared from college students expressive
  vocabulary
• Women prefer diminutive euphemisms and vague
  references

8
What does intimacy mean?

• Vulnerability, transparency, trust
• Knowing and being known And Adam knew his wife,
  Eve
• Is it love, or just lust?
• Does passion ignore love?
• What is the role of modesty in intimacy?
• Are love and sex functionally related?
• Evaluate this old saying
• Men give love to get sex women give sex to get
  love.

9
Cross-gender friendship

• A relative absence of scripts
• Influence of sexual roles, eg. dominance and
  submission
• Ambiguity of messages
• Time spent together, smiles and eye contact, and
  personal attention may be misunderstood to convey
  sexual interest
• Social structures, such as social networks or
  work tasks, may provide welcome boundaries

10
Romantic relationships The social-exchange model

• A-B-C-D-E Phases or strategies?
• Attraction Sight and sound
• Good mood enhances feelings about partners.
• So does fear-based arousal.
• Married people are most likely to have met
  spouses through mutual friends or
  self-introduction.
• Three-minute dating exchanges

11
Building relationships Similarity and reciprocity

• Surface contact and small talk
• Lines and scripts
• Self-disclosure

12
Continuing romance

• Continuation Mutuality
• Active commitment to continuation
• Minimizing negative interactions
• Deterioration Lack of active commitment
• Commonly by one partner
• Other partner may overcompensate, being
  understood as possessive, bossy, demanding

13
Ending Breaking up is hard to do

• Exclusivity, jealousy, and possessiveness vs.
  self-awareness and self-acceptance
• The meaning of rejection
• Getting to know someone sometimes means learning
  you dont want to go further with the
  relationship.
• Most breakup scripts are miserably weak.
• Tact and honesty are valuable.
• Clarity is crucial.

14
Lines and scripts

• Salutation Greet and make eye contact
• Express interest in the other Ask and compliment
• Connect indirectly Comment on shared
  environment or current events
• Connect directly Mention other persons behavior
  or your own introduce yourself
• Seek common ground and look for reciprocity