Those Crazy Middlers

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Those Crazy Middlers !

• By Joy Trexler, Ed.S.
• and
• Camille Hedrick, Ph.D.

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Just suppose

• Youre promoted. Wow!
• But waitwhats up with
• the huge workload?
• extra hours working at home?
• That second-guessing bosscouldnt she be a
  little more trusting?
• The in-group?youre out!
• Why are youre having so much trouble getting up
  in the morning?
• Your face is broken out, youve gained weightwho
  is this person you see in the mirror?

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The middling years are a lot like a career
change for ustraumatic, exciting, full of
promise, and very stressful!
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Nothing fits!

• Most middlers grow about a foot during this
  time and gain about 10 pounds a year.

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Middlers are

• Adolescents 10-15 years old
• Leaving elementary years, transitioning into and
  going through middle school, transitioning into
  high school
• Neither elementary nor high school, leaving one
  and working their way into the beginning of the
  other
• Transitioning in 5 years from children to young
  adults

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DistractedDisorganizedDisinterestedA
Middler!

• Schoolwork friends sports fitting in
  doing well clothes distraction
• Increase in workload volume/difficulty learning
  time management disorganization
• Shift in interests need for privacy/reflection
  disinterested (apparent)

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Middlers are into drama!

• Emotions are strong and quickly move from one end
  of the continuum to the other. The betrayal of a
  friend is a disaster. A break-up with a
  boy/girlfriend is a crisis.

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Good News/ Bad News

• The brain is 95 developed by age five.
• The most advanced parts of the brain dont
  complete their development until adolescence is
  pretty much over.
• Emotional control, impulse restraint, and
  rational decision-making are all gifts from our
  prefrontal cortex, gifts that adolescents havent
  yet received.

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Middlers are budding intellects.

• Skillmasters-they begin to express their own
  interests in this time. Its not rebellionthey
  are becoming themselves. They will show more
  interest in some classes to the detriment of
  others dont take it personally!
• Great Thinkers-theyre not arguing, theyre
  reasoning!
• Anthropologists-they care about and need what
  they learn to apply to their immediate world
• Attention Seekers-they strongly need positive
  attention and need to be liked

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Middlers are budding intellects.

• Activists-they want life to be fair, and to help
  make the world a better placethis leads to
  frustration
• Idealists-if they cant listen to songs with
  profanity, then they think adults in their sphere
  shouldnt swear if they have to turn assignments
  in, they think teachers should give papers/grades
  back in a timely manner
• Social Workers-they can show great compassion for
  others
• Innocents-they still enjoy childrens games
• Comedians-they can be sophisticated, sarcastic,
  wry and bluntas inexperienced humorists they
  often appear rude

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So, whats going on in your middlers world?

• You think you know, but you dont know!

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Your Adolescents World

• Sex, Drugs and Rock N Roll Like You Never Saw
  It
• -Alcohol, the drug of choice
• -Stronger and more powerful drugs available
• -A warped view of sex and intimacy
• -Suicide The ultimate in Rock N Roll
• -Gun violence a reality

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Whats Normal and Whats Not

• Acting-out behaviors
• -A teen fighting for autonomy doesnt happen
  easily. Most kids will become obstinate,
  disrespectful, and in your face.
• - The worst usually happens between 12-15 year
  range.
• -The key is to look at patterns of behavior-Is
  it the rule or the exception?

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What Normal and Whats Not

• Moodiness
• -Its normal for kids to cycle through the ups
  and down moods where they might seem as exuberant
  as a six-year old in the morning, as intense and
  somber as an adult in the afternoon, and as
  peaceful as a baby playing in a bubble bath at
  night.
• -Check it out if the moodiness is extreme and
  lasts longer than usual. You dont want to guess
  at this stuff!

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Whats Normal and Whats Not

• For adolescents, polarized emotions
• Depression
• Emotional/physical/social/academic withdrawal
• Eating too much or too little
• Loss of interest in previously pleasurable
  activities
• Loss of concentration
• Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
• Too little or too much sleep
• Sudden stress-related physical complaints

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Whats Normal and Whats Not

• Goth/Emo
• -Goth is a fashion statement-black attire,
  black nail
• polish, studded jewelry
• -Emo is a type of music, may or may not wear
  the Goth attire, uses cutting as a symbolic way
  of expressing pain
• Suicide
• Dont ignore the signs
• Use of drugs, alcohol
• Giving away prized possessions
• Sudden contacts with all friends past/present
  (saying goodbye)
• Talking, writing, listening to music with death
  themes

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Whats Normal and Whats Not

• Eating disorders
• -When the conflict is out in the open and
  seems balanced, count your blessings. Its the
  quiet, lonely, desperate, covert battles that you
  may not hear about that are deadly.
• -Some see starving as another cost of being
  athletically competitive.

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Whats Normal and Whats Not

• Anxiety Disorders
• Anxiety is the most common denominator of
  adolescent experience. They worry constantly
  about everything.
• What to look for
• If they seem unable to do things theyd normally
  do watch for extended patterns (months.)
• Feelings of terror without any real cause
• OCD-irresistible impulses to do certain things in
  an exact pattern

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The Ten Commandments of Parenting Your Teen

• Be the Dispassionate Cop Be Cool, Not the Fool
• Be sympathetic in the face of distress
• Focus on the behavior. Do not interject your own
  feelings and emotions.
• Get in get out smoothly. Make the child focus
  on his behavior, not yours.
• Listen Even as Your Child Shouts
• Bad listening means criticizing, correcting, and
  telling him what he has to do, thus ending the
  conversation and any chance you had at
  influencing his thoughts.
• Good listening means saying as little as possible
  to get your kid to say as much as possible. It
  means showing respect for your kids thought and
  feelings by allowing him to express what he
  feels, particularly if you vehemently disagree
  with his view.

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More of the Ten Commandments

• Speak Wisely
• Use fewer words and less sentences.
• Dont repeat yourself.
• Lower your voice.
• Keep your hands down.
• Use I statements.
• Organize your thoughts before you talk.
• Timing is everything. Gauge your childs
  readiness to engage in conversation.
• Dont cram too much into one conversation.
• Allow your kid to use a pressure-relief valve of
  walking out at times.
• If you feel like an ultimatum is coming, you need
  a time out!
• Dont ever talk down to an adolescent.

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More Commandments

• Give Yourself 15 More Minutes for Every
  Interaction Involving a Teen
• Pros know they dont always have an immediate
  answer to every situation. This will allow you
  time to make a safer decision, to incorporate the
  positive principles were learning, and will
  reduce the frequency of nasty experiences like
  tantrums, threats, inconsistencies, and holes in
  the walls.
• Vanquish Your Pride
• Change your foolish pride to mature pride.

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Commandments, Commandments

• Mature pride means
• allowing your child to have the last word because
  he is crazy.
• giving your child space to rebel.
• giving up your control just to see him jump.
• giving up your need to look cool in public
  because you wont change your rules just because
  you are in public.
• surviving rage without raging back because of the
  lesson you can model for your child are more
  important than your own feelings.
• setting aside your own needs and focusing
  exclusively on the long-term struggle to create a
  decent human being.

• You can hold onto your foolish pride and lose
  your child to the insanity of adolescence-or you
  can embrace a mature pride and forge a loving
  connection with the heart of your child that no
  adolescent storm can break. Its your choice.

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And Even More Commandments

• Do not kill!
• Draw an invisible circle around your kid and
  dont hit, smack, butt, throttle, jab or even
  look like your might ever do any of these things.
• Apologize at Every Opportunity
• Apology provides you with a vehicle for sneaking
  in all sorts of important lessons-respect,
  humility, honesty, courage, self-discovery. Your
  child will listen intently when youre telling
  him how you screw-up and why you owe him an
  apology. Apologizing models, teaches, and heals
  both the child and the contrite parent.

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One More Commandment

• Honor Your Childs Identity
• All of that frenetic and seemingly insane
  behavior of trying everything and keeping nothing
  the same is actually the most critical challenge
  of your kids teenage years. Today it is twice as
  hard as it ever was before. Knowing who you are
  is the key to all else that is good in life.
• Balance a supportive approach to identity
  exploration with the goal of keeping her alive.
  If you are able to stay cool as you see scary
  things parade around in front of you (green hair,
  pants with low crotches, loud car stereo
  systems), your childs explorations usually stay
  low-level, low risk, and short-term. Your child
  will respect your and ultimately will come to
  assume most of your moral-ethical features. Pick
  your battles! If its not going to kill him,
  forget it.

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Just remember

• Be true to yourself.
• Remain who you are in the face of adolescent
  crisis. It is critical that you hold firm to
  your values about sex, drugs and rock n roll.
  Dont change that, but it is no longer effective
  to physically threaten your kid. There are
  better strategies to be learned!

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Lastly

• This Too Shall Pass
• Parents seem to distress when teens fall into
  adolescent life and believe it will last forever.
  Adolescence upset is like changing diapers,
  having a root canal, or getting drafted. It can
  be really messy, quite painful and it can be very
  scary. But all these things end, thankfully!

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Sources

• Giannetti, Charlene C. and Sagarese, M. (1997)
  The Roller Coaster Years.
• Bradley, Michael J. () Yes, Your Child is Crazy!
  Loving Your Child Without Losing Your Mind