The Forgotten Mourners: Our Children

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The Forgotten Mourners Our Children

• Michelle A. Post, MA, LMFT
• Clinical Aftercare Coordinator

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Question to Run on

• In the moment of the crisis, how can we assess
  and assure that support is provided for children
  and teens?

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Watch Your Language!
Its okay to say dead died death
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Childrens Grief Statistics

• 1 in 5 kids will experience the death of someone
  close by age 18 (Kenneth Doka, Editor of OMEGA
  Journal of death and dying)

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Childrens Grief Statistics

• 1 in 20 kids will experience the death of one or
  both parents by age 15 (Steen, 1998)
• Close to 2 million children receive death
  benefits from a deceased worker (Social Security
  Administration, 2007)

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What Does Grief Do to Kids?

• Some may experience developmental delays along
  with long-term psychological, social, and
  psychiatric challenges (Felner et. al, 1975
  Kransler et. al, 1990 Worden Silverman, 1996)

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What Does Grief Do to Kids?

• 37 of prepubertal children suffer from major
  depression one year after the death of a parent
  (Weller, Weller, Fristad, Bowes, 1991)

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What Does Grief Do to Kids?

• Children of parents who die suddenly (suicide,
  homicide, accident or natural causes) are 3 x
  more likely to develop depression and are at
  higher risk for post-traumatic stress disorder
  (PTSD) than non-bereaved children (Brent
  Melhem, 2007 University of Pittsburgh School of
  Medicine)

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Possible Pitfalls for Kids Who Do Not Reconcile
Their Grief

• Avoid love as a way to avoid pain
• Inability to acknowledge the pain of others
• Avoid risks

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Possible Pitfalls for Adults Who Do Not Reconcile
Their Childhood Grief

• Inability to express love for their own children
• Experience a sense of searching for that which
  was lost
• Resisting school or work projects which demand
  long-term commitment

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OneLegacys Philosophy Responsible Rebels for
bereaved children

• We do not function as agents of conformity to
  get the child over grief, but instead foster
  growth in the child.
• Too often we assume that the friends and family
  members will support them in their grief journey.
  
• Parents/siblings can be too overwhelmed.
• Friends project feelings of helplessness by
  ignoring the subject entirely.
• From Alan Wolfelts Healing the Bereaved Child

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J. William Wordens 4 Tasks of Mourning
Task 1 To Accept the Reality of the (Death)
Task 2 To Experience the Pain of the (Death)
Task 3 To Adjust to an Environment in
Which the Deceased is Missing
Task 4 To Relocate the Dead Person within Ones
Life and Find Ways to Memorialize the Person
Adapted from Children Grief When a parent
dies by J. William Worden, Ph.D
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To Include or Not to Include?
Its a mistake not to.
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To Include or Not to Include?
The picture in their head is often worse than
reality.
Prepare them for what they will
see, hear, feel
and/or smell
Let them make an informed choice.
Include children in all aspects of information
sharing, hospital visits, and family mourning
rituals.
Debrief with them.
Children Grief When a parent dies by J.
William Worden, Ph.D
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Discussion How Can We Help, Not Hinder?

• How does your hospital address grieving
  child/teen family members?

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Discussion How Can We Help, Not Hinder?

• What are the biggest challenges to assisting
  children/teens in their grief?

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Discussion How Can We Help, Not Hinder?

• Who are the best advocates to help you support
  grieving children/teens?

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Question to Run on

• In the moment of the crisis, how can we assess
  and assure that support is provided for children
  and teens?
• Ask if there are children/teen in the family
• Educate the family about how to inform the
  children/teens (provide verbal and written info)
• Include children/teens in information sharing,
  give them a choice, debrief with them
• Afterwards, care for yourself!

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Resources
www.nationalallianceofgrievingchildren.org
OneLegacy Aftercare available for staff trainings
Handouts Grieving Kids Teens Dos and
Donts Child Speak for Death Funerals
Child/Teen/Parent Book List My Grief Rights