What to Do When Your Step-Kids Disrespect You.

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Out http//tinyurl.com/freefrombullies Over
the years, many parents in blended families have
come to me to talk about the subject of
disrespect. In some cases, their step-kids didn't
respect them, and in others, their biological
child did not respect their new spouse. The truth
is a child may never respect his step-parent, but
he does have to know that he can't get away with
being rude or obnoxious to them. The only way to
achieve the desired behavior is to be certain you
and your spouse are united in making sure that
your kids treat you with respect. Lay Down the
Ground Rules from the Start If you haven't done
so already, sit down with the kids in your
blended family and lay out some ground rules.
Start by saying, "In our family now, this is what
a parent is." And, "In our family now, these are
the expectations on every child." I recommend
that you tell your step-kids from the beginning,
"You don't have to call me Mommy, but you have to
be respectful and follow my directions." And both
adults need to do this with all the children in
the family.
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(No Transcript)
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What if Your Step-kids Disrespect You? Naturally,
step-parents become very upset when their
step-children are disrespectful to them. I've
had parents come to me in difficult situations
where the kids were really being rude or
obnoxious, saying things like, "You're not my
father, I don't have to listen to you!" Let me
be clear parents have to be careful, because
once that kind of behavior gets entrenched, it's
very difficult to stop. By being rude, kids
protect themselves-and they train adults what
not to ask of them and what not to expect of
them. The answer here is that you and your
partner have to decide ahead of time how the kids
in the family will talk to each parent. You set
the expectations together, and then you remain
consistent you hold each child accountable.
Here's an example. If one of your step-kids says,
"You're not my mom I don't have to do what you
say!" You can say, "No, I'm not your mother, but
you have to do your homework anyway." Or, "We're
not talking about me being your father. We're
talking about when you're going to start your
homework." Now, the consequences for that kind
of behavior should be swift and clear. The kids
in the family should know that if they
disrespect their step-mother or step-father, they
will lose their cell phone privileges for the
rest of the night, for example. In other words,
there should be no tolerance for that kind of
disrespect.
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What if Your Step-kids Disrespect You? Naturally,
step-parents become very upset when their
step-children are disrespectful to them. I've had
parents come to me in difficult situations where
the kids were really being rude or obnoxious,
saying things like, "You're not my father, I
don't have to listen to you!" Let me be clear
parents have to be careful, because once that
kind of behavior gets entrenched, it's very
difficult to stop. By being rude, kids protect
themselves-and they train adults what not to ask
of them and what not to expect of them. The
answer here is that you and your partner have to
decide ahead of time how the kids in the family
will talk to each parent. You set the
expectations together, and then you remain
consistent you hold each child
accountable. Here's an example. If one of your
step-kids says, "You're not my mom I don't have
to do what you say!" You can say, "No, I'm not
your mother, but you have to do your homework
anyway." Or, "We're not talking about me being
your father. We're talking about when you're
going to start your homework." What if Your
Step-kids Disrespect You? Naturally, step-parents
become very upset when their step-children are
disrespectful to them. I've had parents come to
me in difficult situations where the kids were
really being rude or obnoxious, saying things
like, "You're not my father, I don't have to
listen to you!" Let me be clear parents have to
be careful, because once that
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kind of behavior gets entrenched, it's very
difficult to stop. By being rude, kids protect
themselves-and they train adults what not to ask
of them and what not to expect of them. The
answer here is that you and your partner have to
decide ahead of time how the kids in the family
will talk to each parent. You set the
expectations together, and then you remain
consistent you hold each child
accountable. Here's an example. If one of your
step-kids says, "You're not my mom I don't have
to do what you say!" You can say, "No, I'm not
your mother, but you have to do your homework
anyway." Or, "We're not talking about me being
your father. We're talking about when you're
going to start your homework." Now, the
consequences for that kind of behavior should be
swift and clear. The kids in the family should
know that if they disrespect their step-mother or
step-father, they will lose their cell phone
privileges for the rest of the night, for
example. In other words, there should be no
tolerance for that kind of disrespect. When it
comes down to it, both adults work hard for the
family, both adults are struggling, both adults
are making sacrifices-so the rule is that the
kids have to treat them both with respect. They
don't have to call them Mom or Dad unless they
want to, but they have to be respectful.
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(No Transcript)
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Don't try to read your step-child's mind Know
that as a parent or step-parent, you cannot read
your step-child's mind. In other words, if this
child doesn't like you telling him what to do but
he does it anyway, don't challenge him on what
he's thinking. Don't worry if he's giving you
"that look." When you tell him to go do his
chores, if he does them whether he likes it or
not, that should be enough. So, don't try to
read kids' minds to determine if they really
don't want to do something, or if they really
don't like you. You have to let that go until
everybody gets to know each other. Here's the
bottom line if you carry yourself with respect,
kids will find things to like about you. This is
because kids want to like people that they
respect. Know that he or she may never get over
the loss of his mother or father, or that of his
original family. But there's nothing you as a
step-parent can do about that besides accept it
and avoid getting into fights about it. When
You're Parenting, They're All Your Kids Some
parents wonder how they can be fair while still
maintaining the trust of their biological
child. Know that it's natural to feel a stronger
connection to your own child, a special love for
and commitment to them.
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But in a blended family, you have to keep those
thoughts in a separate compartment from
parenting. Understand that when you're parenting,
they're all your kids. And believe me, they're
all watching the way you behave yourself, the
kind of role model you are, and the kinds of
things you do. So when the kids are acting out
and the television is taken away for the evening
as a consequence, it's not taken from the
biological kids or the non-biological kids-you
don't get into those distinctions. It's taken
away from all the kids. And so it also becomes,
"When we're going to the zoo, we're all going to
the zoo-the whole family." Or "When we're
watching a movie, we're all watching a
movie." You'll always feel that special
connection with your biological child, don't get
me wrong. But part of the thing that you'll
struggle with, sometimes every day, is that you
have to treat these kids the same. Don't worry
that you will lose that connection with your
biological kid by doing so-that will never
happen. There may be anger, there may be
disappointment, there may be separation, but that
connection is there by nature. When Your Child
Challenges You Often in blended families, it's
very common for the biological kids to challenge
their birth parents. They'll accuse them of
being unfair, or say things like, "You're
treating them better than me." Or, "He treats
his kids better than you treat us." And you
might also hear, "He treats his kids better than
he treats us." And parents have to work very
closely together to solve those problems. When
your child comes to you and says something
unfair happened, the kind of question you have to
ask is, "If I was there, what would I have
seen?" So, let's say your child says, "Today
she treated her kids better than us." The
question you have to ask is not,
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"How did you feel," or "What happened," because
those things get distorted. Rather, parents
should be asking the investigative question "If
I was there, what would I have seen? Let's say
the answer is, "You would have seen her give
three cookies to her kids and two cookies to us."
That's something they can see, not what they
felt. So find out what they saw, what they heard,
what was done. That's the most effective way to
investigate these kinds of statements. That's
also one of my key questions when parents tell me
their kids are acting out at home. One of the
things I used to ask them in my office was, "If I
was there, what would I have seen?" And
then they'll say, "You'd have seen my son
punching a hole in the wall and threatening his
sister and calling his brother names." I want to
know what I would have seen there because that's
how I can investigate what they need to do
differently. So again, you're asking for facts
now. It's the parent's job to say, "Okay, I'll
look into it," and then talk to the other parent
in private.
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