Welcome to the Roommate Relationship training module brought to you by Reslife.Net. To advance the m

1
Welcome to the Roommate Relationship training
module brought to you by Reslife.Net. To advance
the module, use your mouse and click on the
individual screens in this presentation. We
hope this tool is helpful to you in understanding
the typical university response to a roommate
conflict, as well as how to help your student
establish positive roommate relationships.This
is only one of many resources available to you.
For more personal assistance, please contact your
housing and residence life office directly.
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Typical University Responses to a Roommate
Conflict and How to Help Your Student

• By Jody Donovan, Director of Student Transitions
• and Parent Family Programs, Colorado State
  University

Brought to you by Reslife.Net, Ltd. as a part
of The Roommate Resource Service
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Roommate conflicts are stressful for your
student, for you as a parent, and also for the
university staff that are involved in helping
your student resolve their conflict.
4
Roommate Conflicts A Primer for Parents
Families

• This module will provide information about
• How to help your student minimize roommate
  conflicts
• How to support your student during a roommate
  conflict
• Typical college and university responses to
  roommate conflicts

5
Why are Roommate Experiences Important?

• Although living with a stranger may be at times
  challenging for your studentit also provides
  terrific opportunities to learn and acquire life
  long skills that relate to

communication
assertiveness
negotiation
patience
tolerance
6
Learning to become a good roommate serves as a
basis for becoming a good friend, co-worker,
neighbor and spouse.Living with roommates
teaches your student that within every
relationship, there are always multiple truths
and perceptions of reality...
If your student experiences a roommate conflict
understand that their perceptions on the conflict
can be very different than the perspective of
their roommate, which is one of the reasons why
roommate conflicts are often very difficult to
resolve.
7
Consider Bob and Mike, who are new roommates

• A couple of weeks after move-in Mike goes to
  brush his teeth and realizes he is out of
  toothpaste. Bobs toothbrush and toothpaste are
  nicely stacked in their usual place on the
  vanity.

• Mike shares a bathroom at home with other
  siblings and everyone shares, no problem, so he
  borrows some paste from Bob and sets the tube
  back down on the counter, expecting to pick up a
  new tube for himself later.

8
That evening
Bob goes to brush his teeth. He notices
that his toothbrush is not where he left it and
the toothpaste tube is not rolled up tightly the
way he left it that morning. Someone has been
using my toothpaste! It had to be Mike, but
why would he touch my stuff? Bob begins to
wonder what other belongings he has that Mike is
borrowing. Is Mike to cheap to buy his own
stuff? Did he use my toothbrush too! Bob is
frustrated but he decides not to ask Mike.
Instead, he moves his toothbrush and toothpaste
to the shelf inside his closet.
9
The next morning

• Mike is back to brush his teeth but he never
  got the chance to stop and buy a new tube of
  paste. He reaches to borrow Bobs again, but
  its not there. Where did it go? Why would
  Bob move it? The thought strikes him did he
  move it because I used it yesterday? That must
  be it. What a cheapskate! Every time he wants
  to play my Xbox or watch a movie on my VCR, I
  dont even question it. Mike decides to
  investigate further. He opens Bobs closet door
  and sees the toothpaste. That jerk! Ill
  show him. Mike leaves Bobs toothpaste alone
  but goes next door to see if he can borrow some
  from one of the other guys on the corridor. He
  tells the guys next door how cheap his roommate
  is, and how Bob hid his toothpaste from him.
  After he brushes his teeth, he returns to the
  room and disconnects the wires for his Xbox and
  VCR, and places them in his own closet.

10
A little later

• Bob comes back from class. He sees Mike
  talking to the guys in the next room. They look
  at him and laugh, and then duck into their room.
  Bob goes into his own room wondering what is
  going on. He decides to take a break and watch
  the end of the movie he fell asleep watching last
  night. He notices Mike has removed the Tape from
  the VCR and he picks it up and tries to start the
  tape. It does not seem to be working. He looks
  to see if it is connected, and notices that some
  of the wires are missing. Mike walks in, he
  looks annoyed. Bob is still mad at him about the
  toothpaste incident so he does not say hello.
  Mike does not speak either. The silence makes
  both of them more annoyed at one another and so
  Bob takes his tape and goes down the hall to
  another friends room to visit. He sees the guys
  next door they still seem to be laughing about
  something.

11
Over the next few weeks

• The tension in the room has grown pretty
  heavy. Bob and Mike are both stompin mad, and
  hardly talk to one another. They both seem to be
  doing things to annoy the other and they are both
  talking to other friends on their residence hall
  floor about what a jerk their roommate is. When
  Bobs girlfriend comes to visit for the weekend,
  Mike is not very friendly to her and after she
  leaves, Bob decides he has had enough. Bob calls
  his parents. He has been telling them already
  all the rude things that Mike is doing. He tells
  them Mike is using his personal belongings,
  refusing to share items in the room that they had
  agreed to use jointly when they moved in, like
  the VCR, and that Mike is spreading nasty stories
  about him to the other students on the floor.
  The situation has become unbearable and Bob asks
  his parents for help.

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If you are Bobs parents, what are you going to
do?

• Call the university and demand that Mike be
  moved?
• Call and demand that Bob be moved?

• Did this really start over a simple tube of
  toothpaste?

Yesbelieve it or not, roommate conflicts start
over things like this all the time
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Roommate conflicts negatively impact a students
ability to adjust to life in the residence hall
and campus, which is why they should be avoided
if at all possible. The good news is that
there are things that you can do to help your
student maximize success and live compatibly with
a roommate. Lets spend some time thinking about
these things
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Supporting the Development of Positive Roommate
Relationships
15
The good news is that as a parent you can support
the development of a positive roommate
relationship for your student. The best part
isyou can help before the toothpaste is
squeezed out of the tube!
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Ideas...

• If your university has encouraged you to
  review this module prior to the start of the
  academic year, encourage your student to spend
  time getting to know their roommate over the
  summer through visits, e-mail, phone calls, and
  instant messaging.

17
Ideas...

• Help your student think in terms of the
  issues that are important to them in their
  roommate relationship and their living situation.
  
• It is important that your student process
  and understand the things about their roommate
  relationship that might be non-negotiable.
  These are things that will never be okay in the
  relationship verses things that might be open for
  negotiation.
• A solid understanding of this information
  will assist your student when having discussions
  with their roommate about how they will live
  together successfully.

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• If the academic year has already begun,
  encourage your student to spend time with their
  roommate in and out of the room, discussing
  backgrounds, hobbies, likes, dislikes,
  relationship expectations, as well as their
  hopes, dreams, and fears about their college
  experience.
• Through dialogue your student and their
  roommate will begin to build common ground for
  their similarities. A good understanding of
  similarities will help the roommates more
  successfully manage the areas where they differ.
• If Mike and Bob had spent a little more time
  getting to know one another, Mike might have
  known to leave Bob a note when he used his
  toothpaste, or Bob might have felt more
  comfortable confronting Mike about it, without
  worrying about rocking the boat.

Ideas...
19
Ideas...
Keep things in perspective and do not escalate
the conflict. It is very difficult as a parent to
receive the news that your student is having
problems with their roommate. You need to
empathize with their situation, while keeping in
mind that you are only getting one side of the
story in regards to the conflict (and there is
another parent out there potentially getting an
earful about your student!). As negative as the
conflict may be, there is a silver liningyour
student will be challenged to grow and develop as
a result of this experience. Encourage them in a
positive way, but balance this with not
escalating the situation. Encourage them to
begin the process of looking at the situation
from the perspective of their roommate.
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Ideas...

• Listen, Listen, Listen! Ask thoughtful
  questions to allow your student to come to their
  own solutions.
• As a parent, it is possible to be too
  interested in solving the problems of your
  student. As opposed to giving advice on what you
  would do, encourage your student to brainstorm
  potential solutions to their problem, and help
  them determine appropriate courses of action that
  they can take to resolve the problem.

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Ideas...

• Be positive and convey your belief that things
  will be resolved eventually.
• Your student may be highly emotionally charged
  and upset by the conflict that they are
  experiencing. Be a constant reassuring voice
  that communicates the eventual resolution of the
  conflict. Although a distraction and annoyance,
  a roommate conflict is not a life or death
  situation, although they can create high levels
  of stress and anxiety.

22
Ideas...

• Share your own experiences about conflict and how
  you successfully navigated differences
• It is good for your student to hear from you
  about how you have experienced conflicts (perhaps
  roommate or other), and what you did to resolve
  the conflict. Share your life experiences if
  they can help your student with perspective and
  gaining information to help resolve the conflict,
  but balance this with an understanding that the
  discussion is about your student, not you.

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Proactively encourage your student to establish
a formalized agreement with their roommate. Most
colleges and universities provide these forms to
residents, and encourage them to fill the form
out at the start of the academic year. The
roommate agreement formalizes the expectations
that roommates have for each other, as
expectations are discussed and placed in writing.
These roommate agreements hold students
accountable for themselves, each other, and their
guests.This is an important process for
proactively establishing positive roommate
relations, and it should be done as early in the
semester as is possible.Feel free to discuss
this process with your school administrator.
Ideas...
More on roommate agreements later
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Ideas...
Direct your student to his or her resident
assistant (RA) as issues can be addressed more
quickly if the RA is notified right away. The
resident assistant (RA) is a student as well, who
has been specially selected and trained to assist
your student with issues related to on-campus
living. The RA is the first line of intervention
in a roommate conflict, and your student should
speak with the RA directly if they are
experiencing problems with their roommate.
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• More about the RA
• Typical RA Responsibilities
• Role model
• Resource and referral source
• Friend guide
• Ears eyes for the professional residence hall
  staff
• Policy enforcer
• Community builder
• RAs are typically one or two years older than
  their residents, and full-time students. They
  cannot solve problems, but they can help students
  solve their own problems.

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The Importance of Assertive Communication
27
When involved in a conflict, roommates can
respond assertively, aggressively, and passively.
It is important to discourage non-assertive and
aggressive behaviors if your student calls to
discuss a roommate conflict with you. Lets
spend some time exploring these responses in more
detail
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Sometimes students are passive-aggressive
Talking to friends and floor-mates about the
problem, rather than with the roommate Exaggeratin
g the problem Being deceptive or
two-faced Being manipulative toward the
roommate Communicating indirectly rather than
directly Characterized by steel knuckles inside
a velvet glove
The telling of stories
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• Sometimes students are aggressive in roommate
  conflicts
• Violating each others rights
• Humiliating each other
• Putting each other down
• Being abusive emotionally or verbally
• Dominating each other
• Inflicting deliberate harm on each other
• Enhancing oneself at the expense of the other

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• Or passive
• Self-denying
• Acting as a doormat
• Being emotionally dishonest with oneself
• Being inhibited
• Allowing others to choose for oneself
• Allowing ones rights to be violated

31
It is easy to think that your student would never
respond in the ways I just describedbut you need
to be aware of the possibility they might.
Sometimes what students tell their parents is
very different than the reality of the situation,
and when this happens it creates a situation
where the student is telling their parents one
thing and university administrators another.
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As a parent, you should encourage your student to
use assertive communication, the best strategy
for effective communication.

• Encourage Assertive Communication
• During roommate conflicts, it is critical
  that both roommates communicate assertively,
  stating their concerns as well as their
  suggestions for collaborating toward a mutually
  acceptable solution.

• Being Assertive means
• Making ones own choices
• Being honest
• Taking responsibility for oneself
• Standing up for oneself
• Asking for what one wants
• Caring about oneself as well as caring for others

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The Roommate Agreement Process
34

• As part of their standard operating procedures,
  many housing programs require students to
  establish formalized roommate agreements, that
  outline how students will live agreeably
  together.
• This process may be facilitated by the resident
  assistant (RA), and usually happens at the very
  start of the academic year.

35
How does the roommate agreement process
work?The process is facilitated by the floor
resident assistant, typically at the start of the
academic year and sometimes discussed at the
first floor meetingRoommates discuss topics by
sharing opinions and listening to each others
preferencesRoommates find common ground - the
area for agreement through negotiationRoommates
discuss how they will communicate concerns to
each other regarding unacceptable behavior in the
roomRoommates set a trial period and a day/time
for revisiting the agreement to make changes
36
As part of the roommate agreement process, your
student should discuss the following issues with
their roommate.

• Academic goals
• Roommate relationship expectations
• Studying in the room
• Socializing in the room
• Use of space in the room
• Sleeping waking rituals
• Sharing purchased food supplies

• Cleanliness of the room
• Music tastes
• Financial responsibilities
• Privacy within the room
• Guests in the room
• Sharing belongings
• Time spent together

37
After the roommate agreement is established

• Encourage your student to communicate any
  concerns that they may be having with their
  roommate right away. Even if problems are minor,
  they need to be addressed right away to keep them
  from escalating. Consider how differently Mike
  and Bobs situation might have been if they had
  talked about it that first day.
• Encourage your student to use the 5-year rule in
  5 years, will this really matter? If not,
  encourage your student to let it go. This may
  seem contradictory, but it works! Decide what is
  important and focus on that. Even if something
  seems small, it can be a source of irritation
  that grows over time. Or, perhaps it can be
  ignored and forgotten, if put in perspective.
  For both Mike and Bob, if either of them could
  have let the matter go after the first slight,
  without taking further steps against their
  roommate, the problem would most likely have
  passed and not escalated.

38
When conflict happens
39
Lets start out with a definition of conflict

• Conflict is a condition that exists when two
  or more people express incompatible ideas or have
  goals that are not mutually supportive.

40
Although your student experiences a degree of
stress when involved with conflict...it is a
daily reality that is experienced at home, at
work, while driving, while with friends, with
family, and with oneself.
41
Sources of Conflict

• Differences over perceptions of reality
• Differences over facts
• Differences over goals
• Differences over methods
• Differences over values
• Communication misunderstandings, nonverbal
  verbal
• Personal behavior or idiosyncrasies

42
There are important rights that need to be
acknowledged in a roommate conflict. If involved
in a conflict, your student, and their roommate,
has the following rights

• The right to ask for what one wants
• The right to change ones mind
• The right to say no without feeling guilty
• The right to be listened to and to be taken
  seriously
• The right to be treated with respect

43
Housing staff walk a fine line in working to
balance the rights of both roommates. As a
parent you feel concerned when your student is
involved in a conflict, and it may be easy to
become emotionally involved in both your
perceptions on the conflict and your desired
outcome.Keep in mind that both your student and
their roommate will have rights, and that the
housing staff who are working to resolve the
conflict will be working to maintain the rights
of all parties concerned.
44
Negotiating Through Conflict
45

• There are several strategies one can employ to
  successfully deal with conflict.
• The following is a strategy used by numerous
  housing professionals across the nation and can
  be adapted for use in nearly any conflict
  situation.

46
Interest Based Negotiation for Resolving Conflict
47
Step One

• Separate the people from the problem
• By focusing on the issues rather than each other,
  roommates
• can work through their disagreement without
  damaging their
• relationship. Encourage them to think of each
  other as
• partners in negotiation, agreeing to some ground
  rules prior
• to beginning, and respecting one another by
  asking for a time
• out if emotions get hot.
• Fisher, R. , Ury, W., Patton, B. (1991) Getting
  to Yes. New York Penguin Books.

48
Step Two

• Focus on interests, not positions
• A position is something you have decided upon.
  Your interests are what
• caused you to so decide, according to Fisher and
  Ury, authors of Getting
• to Yes (1991, p. 42). Usually at least one person
  loses when people
• focus on positions rather than interests (and
  often both lose!).
• Encourage roommates to identify their interests
  and work to understand each
• others motivations clearly. If they look
  forward to desired solutions rather than
• focusing on past events, they are more apt to
  create multiple solutions that
• benefit both parties.
• Fisher, R. , Ury, W., Patton, B. (1991) Getting
  to Yes. New York Penguin Books.

49
Step Three
Invent Options for Mutual Gain This is the
brainstorming phase for roommates and it is
important to remember that evaluation comes
later. By focusing on shared interests, they can
avoid win-lose options. Creativity is rewarded as
roommates make proposals that may be appealing to
the other person and hold limited negative
impacts for oneself. Fisher, R. , Ury, W.,
Patton, B. (1991) Getting to Yes. New York
Penguin Books.
50
Step Four

• Use Objective Criteria for Evaluation
• If the solutions are not balanced, it may be
  helpful to seek
• objective criteria from a mutually agreed upon
  expert or
• source (a policy or law, the resident assistant,
  etc.).
• Encourage your student to make the agreement
  specific
• and measurable, to keep an open mind, and be
• reasonable when considering options.
• Fisher, R. , Ury, W., Patton, B. (1991) Getting
  to Yes. New York Penguin Books.

51
Tips for Dealing with Conflicts
52
Tip One...
Recognize that this is your students problem,
not your problem to solvestudents learn
assertiveness, communication, and problem solving
skills if they work through the problem rather
than being rescued! As a parent you may want to
help your student by solving the problem for
them. Hopefully youve sent your student to
college for them to learn and grow as a person by
learning life skills in addition to their
academic learning. Conflict is an inevitable
occurrence in life and to be successful your
student needs to know how to navigate it
successfully once it occurs.
Negotiating Through Conflict
53
Tip Two...
Negotiating Through Conflict
Help your student understand that there are
multiple perceptions of reality and all may
contain elements of the truth. Encourage them
to be open to the perspective of their roommate,
negotiation and compromise, and working towards a
fair, successful, and equitable resolution to the
conflict.
Old woman? Young Girl? What do you see?
54
Tip Three...
Negotiating Through Conflict

• Help your student acknowledge his or her own role
  in the conflict.
• It is highly unlikely that your student will be a
  totally innocent victim in the roommate conflict.
  It usually takes two to have a disagreement, so
  help your student reflect on their behaviors,
  attitudes, and perceptions that may have
  contributed to the conflict. They dont have to
  take full responsibility, but it may be helpful
  for them to identify areas for change that may
  lead to a resolution.

55
Tip Four...
Negotiating Through Conflict
Help your student brainstorm options for
resolution because sometimes it is hard to think
about multiple solutions when they are too
closely involved. Coming to a successful
resolution of a conflict requires compromise on
the parts of all concerned. It is helpful to go
into a roommate problem negotiation with many
ideas verses few, and it will allow for more
dialogue and options for meeting the needs of
both your student and their roommate.
56
Typical University Responses to a Roommate
Conflict
57

• Roommate conflicts are best handled at the lowest
  possible levelthe RA, or the residence hall
  director, who could be a bachelors or masters
  degree level staff member who has overall
  supervisory responsibility for your students
  residence hall and supervising the building RAs.
  
• If you hear from your student and call the
  Presidents Office, the situation is immediately
  escalated and becomes more difficult to resolve.

Calling the President's office...
Never a good idea...
58
Roommate Conflicts within the first two weeks

• Unless the situation involves a health or
  safety issue, most colleges and universities are
  unwilling to split up roommates in the first two
  weeks, or perhaps longer depending on their
  policies.
• This allows for roommates to get beyond
  superficial first impressions and unfounded
  biases to learn how to get along with people who
  are different from them.

59
When a roommate conflict is reported

• The RA will first spend time visiting with
  each roommate individually to assess the
  situation and hear the varying perspectives
  regarding the roommate conflict. The RA will
  often share this information with their
  supervisor, the residence hall director to
  discuss next steps.

Very few roommate conflicts occur between an
evil student and an angelic studentmore
frequently, both parties share some role in the
conflict. The RA seeks to learn this information
from both roommates.
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Completing the Roommate
Agreement

• If the roommates have not completed a roommate
  agreement, the RA may suggest that they discuss
  their specific roommate problem in the context of
  completing a roommate agreement listing common
  areas for disagreement between roommates. The RA
  may then facilitate a discussion about the
  roommate agreement, seeking long-term resolution.

61
Revisiting the Roommate
Agreement

• If the roommates have already completed the
  roommate agreement, the RA will facilitate a
  discussion regarding whether the agreement is
  still valid, areas for revision, and sources of
  current conflicts as well as possible resolutions.

This is the time for assertive communication!
Students will have an opportunity to share
their stories and to brainstorm options for
resolution. It is crucial for students to be
honest, direct, and flexible during this time to
reach a mutually agreeable solution, and you need
to encourage your student to do this.
62

• The Value of the 3rd Alternative
• Rather than viewing the solution as benefiting
  either one roommate or the other, it is helpful
  to think about the 3rd alternativea mutually
  beneficial solution.

63
A new roommate agreement is reached

• The RA will document the various areas that
  have been discussed, as well as the solutions to
  the problems. Roommates will sign the agreement
  acknowledging their willingness to abide by, as
  well as hold each other accountable for, the
  agreement. A date to revisit the agreement is
  established. Copies of the agreement are given to
  each roommate and kept on file for future
  reference.

64
If the new agreement is breached

• When the RA is informed that the agreement is
  not working between the roommates, he or she may
  try to facilitate another conversation, or may
  ask the residence hall director for assistance in
  mediating the ongoing roommate dispute.

65
Hall Director Intervention

• If the roommate conflict rises to the level of
  the residence hall director, a new option for
  resolution existssplitting up the roommate pair
  through a room change.
• The hall director will often hold a roommate
  mediation session with the roommate pair to
  assess the potential for resolution prior to
  suggesting a room change.

66
About Room Changes

• Options to determine who moves
• The best option is for the roommates to decide
  themselves!
• 
  However, when
  that fails, the following options exist
• Deposit dates (earliest gets to stay)
• Flipping a coin, drawing straws, picking a number
• Deciding who is most desperate to get out of the
  situation
• If a decision cannot be made, in some instances
  both roommates will be required to move.

• Splitting up may be the best solution,
  however, it is often difficult to determine who
  should move to the new room and who shall remain
  in the current room. In most roommate conflicts,
  no one is willing to move

67
After the decision has been made

• More than likely, two options exist here
  depending on housing policy.
• Students may be provided with a list of
  students looking for potential roommates in their
  residence hall as well as throughout the
  residence hall system
• Or
• Students will be given a new room assignment
  by the housing office.

68
Students are then given a specific time period
during which they are to complete the move. This
can range from a weekend to a few weeks.
69
This can be a very stressful time!

• Parents and families can support their students
  during this time by
• Helping them move to their new room
• Helping them put this experience into
  perspectivethey will move many times throughout
  their livesrarely with such few belongings!

70
Avoiding another roommate conflict

• The RA and residence hall director most likely
  will work with both roommates to reflect on what
  happened and what could have been done
  differently to avoid the need to move rooms. It
  is important for students to learn from this
  experience so as not to repeat it with their new
  roommate/s.

71
In Conclusion.
Ideal Roommates

• are respectful to one another.
• do not have to be best friends, they just need
  to be friendly!