How Men Relate to Women

1
How Men Relate to Women

• Vast Differences,
• Innate Inclinations,
• and the Relationship Train Wreck
• by
• Richard Driscoll, PhD

adapted fromOpposites as Equalsby Richard
Driscoll with Nancy Ann Davis
2
Gender Relationships Head South

• Ill will abounds
• 33 of women report being typically resentful of
  men
• 14 of men are typically resentful of women
• Resentment runs twice as high among women
• Fatherless families
• 40 of children born to single mothers
• The traditional family is now an alternative
  lifestyle
• Women report increasing unhappiness
• (over 35 years, compared to men).

3
Be It Proposed that

• Vast differences can be identified between men
  and women
• Innate inclinations
• (inherited from our ancestors through natural
  selection)
• Combine with current circumstances
• gtgt Explain our differences and help identify
  solutions.
• ?? How many here believe that important
  differences are innate ??

4
The Nature of Lust

• Young males are more interested in casual sex
• And any culture, primitive or industrial, past or
  present, anywhere in the world.
• In many animal species (with only a few
  exceptions).
• Tomcats go through rain, sleet, and snow, like
  the postman
• U. of Hawaii study
• Students were approached by an attractive
  confederate, flattered, and then invited for a
  tumble. How many agreed?
• Of the young men,
• 75
• Of the young women,
• 0

5
Implications

• Who has sex more frequently and with more
  partners, men or women?
• Logically, since it is a joint activity, men and
  women do it on average at the same in frequency
  and with the same number of partners.
• Men compensate women
• By principles of supply and demand, since men are
  more eager, sex with women becomes the more
  valuable commodity.
• So women are in a better position to require
  compensation for their sexual favors.

6
Human Nature

• Evolution and parental investment
• Since males may invest much less in each
  youngster, male genes proliferate through
  opportunistic sex.
• Since females invest more in each offspring,
  female genes do better to go slower and choose
  more carefully.
• Nature Nurture
• Individual qualities are from inheritance
  experience
• 30 or more of individual qualities are inherited
• If we realized how important genes are, we would
  be more careful about who we let into ours.Bob
  Wyrick

7
Eavesdropping on Arguments

• John Gottman at U. of Washington observes couples
  in his "Love Lab."
• Helps couples identify an "area of concern."
• Asks them to work together to find a resolution.
• Naturally, of course, they argue.
• Video cameras and stress indicators record
  reactions.
• The method is multiple observations of actual
  arguments, and then analysis.

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Findings

• Insistence
• Women more often initiate arguments, argue
  harder, and have the last word,
• Men are more apt to avoid arguments when possible
  or concede, placate, or withdraw from
  confrontations.
• Stress
• Women are more comfortable in arguments and
  recover faster
• Men are more highly stressed, intimidated, and
  confused and feel trashed and bitter longer
  afterward.
• "In the sea of conflict, men sink and women
  swim." John Gottman

9
Surprisingly

• Masquerades
• While we expect men to dominate, the findings are
  just the opposite.
• Men want to appear stronger, and women to appear
  more understanding, so we pretend we are as we
  wish to be seen.
• Origins
• Men who acquiesce or otherwise avoid offending
  women have more mating invitations and more
  offspring.
• Women who insist and berate require more of a
  commitment and thus gain more support for their
  offspring.

10
Suggestions

• Marriages are better when men and women
  participate about equally.

To better resolve conflict, you must learn to be
more comfortable with it. Recognize that it is
normal for women to be more easily upset and
irritated than men, but that women also get over
it faster. Do not interpret it as a great
catastrophe when your mate is bothered about
something. Stay involved, and try to talk it
out. You might realize that men are more
vulnerable in conflict than they appear and
slower to recover from it. Be careful to
accurately gauge how much stress your accusations
inflict, and make allowances.
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Emotional Overload

• High stress in arguments predicts poor outcomes
• We can reduce stress in multiple ways.
• "Shield Out Hostility" training reduces stress
• Shields against anger, criticism, contempt,
  manipulation
• Involves physical sequences combined with
  protective images
• 80 of participants report benefits
• Available at stressbusterCDs.com "Personal
  Shielding To Deflect Hostility."

12
Favorite Sins

• Men and women have favorite weaknesses
• Men are more inclined to casual sex (lust)
• Women are more inclined to casual resentment
  (anger).
• Women hardly understand why men lust.
• Men hardly understand why women fuss,
• "I have become increasingly angry, as the
  alternative is depression."
• Feminist pioneer Gloria Steinem
• "Choosing to be angry means you're feeling fully
  alive."
• Use Your Anger A Woman's Guide To Empowerment

13
Support for Men Promotes Equality

• Men are not bound and gagged in arguments with
  women. It just seems that way.
• Traditional standards act to remedy an emotional
  imbalance, promoting more egalitarian
  relationships.
• Patriarchy and the traditional support for men
  have fallen out of favor.
• Yet patriarchy calls upon women to soften their
  superior emotional firepower and to listen to
  their husbands, so that men might have a place in
  families.
• In the absence of a counterbalance, women
  complain and men withdraw, leaving relationships
  emotionally barren and families increasingly
  matriarchal.

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Intermission

• 6 minutes

15
the Invisible Comptroller

• Regardless of ideology or geography, affluence,
  race, creed, or color, or liberal or conservative
  philosophy
• We can agree that men ought to support and
  protect women and not harm them or allow others
  to do so.
• Chivalry
• Refers to the tendency for men to support and
  protect women.
• Is considered a flimsy folktale and seldom
  mentioned.
• Is found to be universal and involves intense
  passions.
• Is the invisible standard between men and women.
• Chivalry provides advantages.

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Chivalrous Ancestors

• Champ Chimpski rescues fair damsel
• Origins
• Males who support females against offending
  males gain mating opportunities
• Males who support males against females leave a
  smaller genetic footprint.

17
Chivalry amid Famine

• Among Rhesus monkeys in Calcutta, females and a
  males ate while adolescent males starve
• Among famished rats at Rutgers, females ate 60
  of the provisions.
• Amid shipwrecks, such as the Titanic, women and
  children are saved while men are sacrificed.
• It is human nature to sacrifice males so that
  females might survive.

18
Men take the risks

• Inga, Org, and the snake.
• Chivalrous genes are invited into the next
  generation
• Of the 10 most dangerous occupations, all are
  predominantly male.
• Cell tower repairman tops current lists.
• The most dangerous is
• suicide bomber.
• War sacrifices men
• In Iraq, women comprised 15 of the American
  military,but mercifully, only 2 of fatalities.

19
Assaults

• A glass of whiskey in your face
• Is an assault by a man,
• but merely a rebuff by a woman
• Marital misconduct.
• If a man stabbing a woman to death is a 10 (truly
  heinous).
• A woman stabbing a man is a
• 6 (serious, but perhaps understandable) .
• He is a menace, and hardly a man at all.
• She is still a woman, and very much available
  although perhaps a tad risky.

20
Domestic Violations

• In physical altercations
• Men and women grab, push, slap, and worse, at
  about the same frequency (in 1112 of
  relationships)
• Women report such violations 10 times more often
  than do men
• (what sort of fool would hand his wife over to
  other men, infuriate her, and maybe loose her
  forever, over a few hits?)
• We hear more and are more concerned about men
  harming women , producing biased impressions

21
The Master Illusionist

• Being openly critical of women is socially
  improper now, as it always has been, while being
  publicly critical of men is more readily
  tolerated and increasingly prevalent.
• The combination of feminine firepower and
  chivalrous sympathies turn public attitudes
  against men.
• " A man defending husbands vs. wives or men vs.
  women has got about as much chance as a traffic
  policeman trying to stop a mad dog by blowing
  two whistles."
• -Ring Lardner
• .

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Chivalrous Illusionist

• Supporting women and criticizing men, but
  suppressing the opposing arguments, creates a
  substantial bias.
• As we look at only one side of the story, our
  chivalrous biases morph into an absurdly lopsided
  sense of reality.
• Nobody has ever suggested we can understand each
  other by hearing only one side of the
  controversies.
• Suggestion Be careful about how much of the
  propaganda you absorb.

23
Why men earn more

• We hear commonplace accusations that women earn
  only 76 or so of what men earn
• Several analyses show men work tougher, riskier,
  less pleasant jobs and work more hours.
• Of mothers with professional degrees, fully 54
  choose not to work full time.
• Such repetitious accusation suggests extreme
  prejudice, and spreads ill will toward men.
• Men who earn less than women are considered
  slackers.

24
Chivalrous Legalities

• Equal treatment before the law helps stabilize
  marriages and softens the ill will when couples
  do divorce.
• Researchers found that states that moved toward
  shared custody arrangements had falling divorce
  rates over the next five years, compared to
  states that maintained residential custody for
  mothers and visitation for fathers.
• When fathers want to remain involved, a strong
  preference for joint custody should be a
  no-brainer.
• Yet chivalrous sympathies run high, and most
  courts award custody to mothers while fathers
  fade into occasional visitors.
• Suggestion agree now to share

25
All Inequalities Are Not Created Equal

• Some inequalities are so firmly ingrained in
  human nature that it makes no sense to argue for
  or against them.
• Could we be comfortable risking women, as in war,
  when men can take the risks instead?
• Surely not
• Can we be honest about chivalrous standards?
• Possibly. Maybe. It is worth a try. Good luck!
  

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Why do women berate? Why Now?

• Women have more emotional firepower
• Our chivalrous natures support women against men
• Now integrated into broader society, women
  influence
• higher education,
• media,
• laws.
• Our social masquerades ignore vast, innate
  differences.
• Are women oppressed?
• Answer Who wants to argue against angry women?

27
Feminism Harms Women

• The feminist agenda has made tremendous inroads
  into American culture over the last 35 years.
• The General Science Survey shows that happiness
  among women declined a substantial 4½ percentile
  compared to men, over these same years.
• Feminism generally holds that women are oppressed
  but can accomplish wonderful things once the
  oppression is overthrown.
• How might ideological feminism contribute to
  unhappiness?

28
Wounding Its Own

• Feminists are indifferent to the satisfactions of
  motherhood.
• In spite of widening workplace opportunities,
  women find that it is not easy to accomplish
  great things, raise a family, and still have a
  free moment to oneself.
• The ideology of oppression increases bitterness
  among women.
• The false sense of being oppressed can be as
  harmful as actual oppression.
• Note "The problem that has no name" is called
  existential angst, rootlessness, superficiality,
  the human condition. It is not an index of
  oppression and not peculiar to women.

29
Oppressed by your imagination

• Women
• Believe they work more hours, while research
  shows men and women work about the same.
• Are paid for their accomplishments, the same as
  men.
• Are increasingly fearful of being assaulted,
  while violations go both ways about equally.
• Are increasingly worried about being molested or
  raped
• Are increasingly resentful and harmed by their
  own resentments.
• Are increasingly immune from the constructive
  criticism which might improve their outlooks.

30
Fatherhood

• Pair bonding
• Is common among birds but rare among mammals
• Began 1.7 million years ago among our hominid
  ancestors
• Fatherhood doubled the resources available to a
  family
• Provided support for increased intelligence,
  innovation, and from there, civilization.
• Fatherhood is losing out to "choice for women."
• Fatherhood is the goose that laid the golden egg.

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Cooperation Yields Mutual Benefits

• A committed marriage introduces meaning and
  purpose amid the confusion and rootlessness of
  life.
• Married men become more responsible, and are
  healthier.  
• Married women are safer and better off
  financially.
• The best solutions benefit not just one or the
  other of us but men and women jointly and about
  equally. 

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Lucky in Love

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Further Inquiry

• Download power point slides attheOppositeSex.inf
  o/updates.html
• "Opposites as Equals" and "Personal Shielding"
  are available here.
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