OIF Alphabet Part 2

1
OIF Alphabet Part 2
Written and illustrated by the same crew as last
time.
2
A is for Air Force.
Dont let the cool glasses and baggy clothes
confuse you these guys are not dancing. They are
communicating through sign language. They have
cool names like Stabs, Chum, Snapper and Radar.
They fly through the sky with the greatest of
ease and talk about it later at Al Udeid over
three real beers. Why did I join the f_at_!ing
Army?
3
B is for Boondoggle.
You see them at the end of every month. Teams
from the CTCs, Center for Army Lessons Learned
and the Pentagon. They are here to help with
advice while collecting TDY, combat pay and
combat patches. They land in one plane and leave
for home on the next one leaving. They slap on a
combat patch and make up some war stories on the
way to the next bird. You know who you are, and
you suck.
4
C is for Cannon Fodder.
Some people call them LNOs. They are sent to a
higher headquarters with a top hat, cane and
enough information to get them shot in the face
during briefings. Watch them tap dance their way
through a briefing to a member of the command
group. It is sad but a hell of a lot of fun to
watch.
5
D is for Division Staff.
We are all a team. Striving to go in one
direction. Keeping a battle rhythm to maintain a
steady pace. Row well and live, beeyotch!
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E is for explosive devices.
Look at Abu Hussein, he is modeling the standard
TNT vest. It is an oldie but a goodie. Abu Ayman
is modeling the more modern C4 vest with a
digital clock. Uh oh, Abu Ibrahim detonated
prematurely. That looks like it hurt. No
virgins for you.
7
F is for Fun Police.
What do we have here? A raid on an AIF house?
Hell no! Somebody was doing something in their
trailer that was fun and probably violated GO 1.
Time for the fun police.
8
G is for Good Idea Fairies.
You have probably dealt we these before. A field
grade officer suddenly says, I have an idea and
you know your screwed. They are demons from hell
that target officers in the rank of Major and up.
Kill them all or do the powerpoint slides.
9
H is for helper.
They sit in meetings and provide nothing. They
dont attend working groups or answer email.
Throw them in a room with a GO and suddenly they
have all sorts of info and are there to help.
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I is for Insects Attacking.
These men just got done with the largest Air
Assault in the history of OIF. So why do they
look mad? It turns out the Arabic translation of
Swarmer is Insects attacking. So, not only do
they have to guard sand, the operations cool
name turned out to be really gay. Way to go BOB.
11
J is for Java.
All hail the sacred silver bullet, giver of the
nectar of the gods. The warm glow of the red
light brings joy to my soul. Your caffeine may
be addictive but prevents me from laying down in
fields or pastures. The sleep deprivation you
bring clears my mind of trivial things like
thought. Thanks to thee. Death to those that
partake but do not contribute to the coffee fund,
bastards.
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K is for knowledge.
Today we learn how to give people knowledge.
3. The light should go on and they should know
their ass from a hole in the ground.
1. Take the individual outside and have them
point at a hole in the ground.
2. Have them point to their ass.
6. Now they should know that having your head up
your ass can hurt.
5. It should hurt, if not kick them while they
are down. It isnt mean you are giving them
knowledge.
4. Now have them put their head in the hole in
the ground.
Congratulations, youre a teacher.
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L is for Loopholes.
GO 1 does not allow visitation by a member of
the opposite gender in living quarters. What is
the definition of living quarters..hmmmmm? I
need a tent.
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M is for musical extravaganza!
You thought OIF was a war. It is really a long
and very bad musical. In this act Muqtada al
Sadr makes a general mad while LNOs, IPs and
suicide bombers dance beneath them. At the end
of the act the suicide bombers explode, the IPs
shoot some Sunnis and Sadr gets the flying camel.
To bad it is true. Lived through it in 04, fun!
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N is for Near Beer.
First they took away the sex and real beer. Now
they are taking away the near beer. What is next
no self motivation? Thank you fun police.
We hate you!
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O is for OPTEMPO.
OPTEMPO drives all that we do. It allows us to
work 14-18 hours days in the pursuit of mission
success. It also allows us to run smack dab into
the middle of a wall at the 4-5 month mark.
Sleep is for the weak beyotches.
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P is for Peeps.
Mmmm, mmmm mmmm, nothing says Happy Easter like a
marshmallow chicken. Better yet nothing says
morale like watching a guy eat 50 of these horrid
things in 3 minutes and 20 seconds. It makes me
sick just to think about it.
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Q is for Qom, Iran.
Qom is in Iran. It is the center of the Shia
faith. Iran wants nukes and the Shia in Iraq
want to play games with us. Keep pushing our
buttons and we might start pushing a few of our
own. Here have a nuke Beeyotches.
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R is for R and R.
What do the Easter Bunny, Osama Bin Laden and
Santa Claus have in common with R and R? They
are all figments of the imagination.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!
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S is for sexual harassment.
You see them everyday. Female civilians creating
a hostile work environment. They wear their hip
hugger jeans, middrift shirts, flowing brown
hair, tan skin and a pistol on their
hips.mmmmmmmmmm, jeans .. mmmmmm..what
the hell was I talking about?
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T is for Tango.
In the military being on a staff is like dancing
the Tango. When things go well it is a thing of
beauty. Unfortunately when things go wrong it
gets really bad. Just remember that very few
staff officers have rhythm. In other words, we
are all F_at_!ed!
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U is for Uniforms.
It is summer in Iraq and temperatures are running
about 120 degrees. The man on the left is a
contractor. His uniform consists of shorts,
aloha shirt, sandals and a visor. He also makes a
six figure salary. The man on the right is in
the military. His uniform consists of ACUs, a
kevlar helmet, vest with throat guard, pecker
protector, shoulder protectors, ballistic plates,
ammunition, knife, pistol, knee pads, ballistic
glasses. He doesnt make six figures. Who would
you rather be? Ill go with the left.
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V is for VTC.
Nothing says efficiency like a meeting held by
video across the world with multiple stations
fusing and sharing information. Too bad there is
a guy with a hot mike somewhere in the States
that doesnt know it. Now people around the
world get to watch him sing and dance to 80s
tunes, awesome.
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W is for White Ninjas.

• They are the most secret of organizations. The
  CIA has never heard of them. They kill without
  mercy or regret. They are swift, silent and
  deadly killers. The only problem is that the
  lawyers wont let us use them. Something about
  the law of war. They dont even exist and and the
  lawyers wont let use them! WTF!?!

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X is for X-Ray.
X-rays are cool. Doctors shoot radiation through
your body to check out skeletal structure and
bone mass. This doctor is confused right now.
He did an X-ray on a staff officer. It looks
like something is missing. What could it be?
Hmmmmmmm..I wonder.
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Y is for Yak.
Why Yak? It is simple I couldnt think of
anything else beginning with the letter Y.
Besides a Yak or two in this place could cause
the insurgents to think of love, not war and we
could all go home.
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Z is for Zarqawi, again!
So what if Zarqawi was the letter Z last time.
He is such an idiot we can never get enough of
him. Nothing like standing in the desert with a
machine gun that wont work. I am scared now
not really. AMZ you suck. Try a suicide
vest next time, asshole.