Parenting

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Parenting
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References

• The Holy Bible By Our Awesome God
• Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen.
• ISBN 0-345-40251-0
• The Complete Book of Christian Parenting Child
  Care by William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears,
  R.N.
• ISBN 0-8054-6198-1

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Basic Concepts
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• Children, obey your PARENTS in the Lord, for this
  is right. Eph 61
• Children, obey your PARENTS in the Lord, for this
  is right. Col 320.
• And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to
  wrath, but bring them up in the training and
  admonition of the Lord. Eph 64
• Fathers, do not PROVOKE your children, lest they
  become discouraged. Col 321

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1) God Designed Parents with the necessary Tools
for parenting!!

• Parents are bombarded by numerous advice about
  parenting and they feel inadequate and worried.
• We should encourage parents while they are asking
  for advice.
• In order to tap into their God-given parenting
  ability, they need to always keep their eyes on
  the best parent our heavenly father.

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• We need to help them believe that God would not
  have given them a child they cannot handle.
• We have the advantage of having the church and
  the Lord Jesus to guide and help us through our
  parenting journey.
• Parenting is still the most important and
  probably the most difficult job a parent will
  ever do.

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• We are taught from birth to obey our parents, to
  obey our teachers, to obey our pastors. Yet,
  parenting advice is often a matter of opinion.
  And when it comes to parenting opinions, everyone
  certain that their way is the right way
• Remember, nothing divides people like a
  difference in opinion on how to raise children.
• There is no one way to take care of every child.
  If there were, we would all be clones.

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• There are certain basic principles of
  childrearing that are founded on biblical
  principles and supported by scientific research
  experience, and plain old common sense, Yet much
  of what we know is in the realm of opinion.
• Most parents are not prepared for parenting at
  the time of having their first child
• Preparation to be a parent starts from childhood.

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2) The goal is to be Godly parents.

• In order to advice parents we need to study how
  God as a father parents us.
• Prayer is a very powerful parenting tool.
• Our model in parenting should be the Lord Jesus
  himself and as well as his saints, e.g. the
  mother of us all St. Mary.
• Studying parenting is very important but should
  have the bible as a guide.

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3)There are many parenting schools.

• There are as many parenting schools as there are
  parents.
• Some groups are very strict.
• Some groups advocate spanking.
• Some groups completely against any physical
  punishment.
• Some use the bible in a literal and manipulative
  ways and others does not use the bible at all.

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4)The Bible and Parenting.

• The bible is not intended to be a parenting book.
• Many of the parenting principles from the bible
  has to be taken within the context and also has
  to be flexible and allow for individual
  differences.
• The bible provides general guidelines like the
  constitution but it will need interpretation
  depending on the situation and the individuals.
• The key is to surround yourself with good and
  godly people that can provide sound advice.

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5) Parents should be the experts on their
children's needs.

• Through prayer, reading the bible and advice
  parents should become the experts on how to
  parent their children.
• Any external advice should be carefully examined
  before applied to MY child.
• Some of the most logical and well known advice
  about raising kids may not be good or may even be
  very harmful to some children.

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Examples

• Spanking children who are depressed, mentally
  retarded, has ADHD, traumatized of very anxious
  etc.
• Refusing to allow kids to come to parents bed
• Leaving babies to cry themselves to sleep.
• Not picking up babies when they cry.

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6) What happened to the good old days?

• Adults no longer give children an example or
  model of obedience and submission. e.g. wife to
  husband, employee to boss etc.
• When Dad lost control of Mom they both lost
  control of the children.
• Current society provide children with very few
  opportunities to learn responsibility and
  motivation. We no longer need children for
  economic survival.

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7) The foundation

• 1) Commitment to God centered life.
• The most important step is to commit
  wholeheartedly to living Godly life.
• Any relationship needs commitment.
• When we strongly commit to the Lord our children
  will see the example and do the same.
• Parents need to take the time to know the Lord.
• 2) Commitment to Husband-Wife relationship
• Life-long relationship
• A fulfilling relationship.
• .

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3) Parenting is a form of a discipleship

• Discipline comes from the Latin word disciplus
  or disciple which best expresses the
  relationship of a child to a parent.
• Parents should act as teachers and an examples (
  a model) for their children.
• The Goal of parenting is to help children develop
  self control, character and values. Like good
  teachers, parents goal is to get their children
  to depend on themselves and be independent.

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• The True Good Teacher is the Lord Jesus Christ.
• If parents model themselves after the Lord, they
  will be good parents.
• We CANNOT be good parents without having the
  Lord Jesus, through his Holy spirit, dwelling in
  us.
• We cannot be the light and the way to our
  children without following the True Light and
  The True Way ourselves.
• Parents has to be the mirror that the children
  will see and experience The Lord and his Love.

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8) Long Term Goals Of Parenting.Help them learn
the seven skills

• 1- Strong perception of personal capabilities (I
  am capable)
• 2- Strong perception of significance in primary
  relationships (I contribute in meaningful ways
  and I am genuinely needed).
• 3- Strong perceptions of personal power or
  influence over life (I can influence what happens
  to me)

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• 4- Strong intrapersonal skills ( the ability to
  understand personal emotions and to use that
  understanding to develop self-discipline and self
  control).
• 5- Strong interpersonal skills (the ability to
  work with others and develop friendships through
  communicating, cooperating, negotiation sharing
  empathizing and listening)

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• 6-Strong systemic skills ( the ability to respond
  to the limits and consequences of everyday life
  with responsibility, adaptability, flexibility
  and integrity.
• 7-Strong Judgmental skills (the ability to use
  wisdom and to evaluate situations according to
  appropriate values).

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Parenting Styles.

• Helicopter Parents (permissive, rescuing)
• Drill Sergeant (excessive strictness) Parents
• Consultant Parents

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Helicopter Parents (permissive, rescuing)

• Freedom without order
• Love means revolving their lives around their
  children
• Hover over and rescue their children when trouble
  arises.
• Always bailing out their children
• Viewed by others as model parents.
• Uncomfortable imposing consequences.
• Fail to prepare their kids for the unforgiving
  world.
• They may attack others who hold their children
  accountable, and declare their children as
  victims.

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Drill Sergeant (excessive strictness) Parents

• Order without freedom
• Love The more they control the better their kids
  will be.
• Often uses language full of put-downs and I-told
  you sos.
• They force their kids what they want them to do.
• Their message is you cannot think for yourself ,
  so Ill do it for you
• Their kids cannot think for themselves, and if
  they did they make horrendous decisions.
• When they reach teen years they no longer listen
  to parents but listen to friends. Also they
  rebel.

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Consultant Parent (positive discipline)

• Freedom with order
• Limited choices.
• Encourage their children to think about their
  behavior.
• Help them feel in control of their actions by
  giving them choices within limits.
• Does not include blame, shame or pain as
  motivators.
• Based on mutual respect and cooperation.
• Allow them to learn from their mistakes by
  allowing them to fail in small things.

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Parenting Choices

• Parenting is a relationship that develops
  naturally between the parent and the baby.
• Some parenting teachings will convey that new
  parents can choose a system of child care that
  fits most conveniently into their own life style.
• Convenient parenting is not Gods design.

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Attachment Parenting

• Attachment parenting is in accordance with Gods
  plan.
• Attachment is the Mother-infant attachment is a
  special bond of closeness between mother and
  baby.
• Helps babies to reach their fullest potential,
  and thrive.
• Babies are equipped with behaviors that help
  mothers deliver the right care.
• God gave mothers the chemistry and sensitivity to
  respond to their babies appropriately.
• It is called Mothers intuition

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Examples of Attachment Parenting Advise

• Be open to your babys cues
• Take your baby with you
• Respond promptly to cries
• Sleep whenever you all sleep best
• Wean when both of you are ready
• Let your baby sleep when he is tired

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Examples of Detachment Parenting Advice

• Dont let your baby run your life
• you ve got to get away from that kid.
• Get that baby on a schedule
• Let your baby cry it out
• Dont let your baby sleep in your bed shell
  get used to it
• What, youre still nursing?
• Shes controlling you
• Youre making her dependent

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Attachment Parenting Results.

• Confidence in parenting skills
• Know child well.
• Develop realistic expectation.
• Adjust more easily to the new lifestyle.
• Enjoy baby more.
• Keep pace with child.
• Child learns to trust.
• Child has much better ability to relate to
  others.

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Detachment parenting Results.

• Do not trust parenting skills
• Mother and baby have a distant and strained
  relationship.
• Mother compares baby to other babies.
• More easily resent babys demand.
• Mother will need alternative fulfillment.
• Mother is more vulnerable to unwise advice.
• Child does not learn trust
• Very harmful to future relationships.

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Some Discipline Basics The Positive approach
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What Discipline Really Means

• Discipline is discipleship
• Discipline begins with having the right
  relationship with your child more than practicing
  the right techniques.
• It is something you do with a child, not to a
  child.
• Discipline is basically giving your children the
  tools to save their souls and succeed in life.

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• Parenting is not disciplining and punishing but
  rather teaching caring about others, controlling
  oneself and putting others wishes before ones
  own.
• Parents should ask themselves from time to time
  what kind of a relationship do I want with my
  child
• Master- slave relationship or a relationship
  built on mutual respect and love.

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• Discipline is not to be equated with punishment.
• Although punishment is an important part of the
  whole discipline picture, it is not the large
  part its important to have balance.
• In family living, discipline means showing
  children what behavior is expected of them and
  the consequences of misbehavior. The home is like
  a mini society for a child

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Critical Moments.

• Parenting and discipline Takes place continuously
  through a series of critical moments when the
  needs and desires of the child come in conflict
  with his parents short-term or long-term goals.

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Children are social beings

• Children make decisions about themselves and how
  to behave, based on how they see themselves in
  relationship to others and how they think others
  feel about them.
• Remember that children are constantly making
  decisions and forming beliefs about themselves,
  about the world and about what they need to do to
  survive or thrive.

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Behavior Is Goal OrientedThe Theory of mistaken
Goals of behavior.

• Children are not consciously aware of the goal
  they hope to achieve.
• Sometimes they have mistaken ideas of how to
  achieve what they want, and they behave in ways
  that achieve just the opposite of their goal.
• For example, they may want to be liked, but they
  act obnoxious in their awkward attempts to
  achieve this goal.

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A childs primary goal is to belong and to be
significant

• Misbehavior is based on a mistaken belief about
  how to achieve belonging and significance.
• When a misbehaving child acts obnoxiously, it is
  easy to understand why it is difficult for most
  adults to get past the misbehavior and remember
  the real meaning and message behind it I just
  want to belong.

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FOUR MISTAKEN GOALS OF BEHAVIOR

• AttentionI belong only when I have your
  attention.
• PowerI belong only when Im winning or in
  charge, c at least when I dont let you win.
• RevengeIt hurts that I dont belong, but at
  least I can hurt back.
• Assumed InadequacyI give up. It is impossible
  to belong.

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Social interest

• It means having concern for ones fellow person
  and a sincere desire to make a contribution to
  society.
• It is extremely important to teach social
  interest to children.
• What good is academic learning if young people do
  not learn to become contributing members of
  society?

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Social interest

• Dont do anything for a child that a child can do
  for herself.
• The first step in teaching social interest is to
  teach self-reliance.
• Then children are ready to help others and feel
  extremely capable when they do.
• We have gone through an age of supermoms and
  super teachers, where children have learned to
  expect the world to serve them rather than to be
  of service to the world.

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Equality

• How can children be equal when they dont have
  the same experience, knowledge, or
  responsibility?
• Equality does not mean the same.
• Equality means that all people have equal claims
  to dignity and respect.
• Discipline does not include humiliation.
  Humiliating techniques are contrary to the
  concepts of equality and mutual respect.

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Understanding the childs developmental stage and
know your Child

• Very often parents confusion about discipline
  stems from a lack of understanding of what the
  child is capable of doing e.g. Punishing a 3 year
  old for a lie.
• Train up your child in the way he should go. . .
  . (Prov. 226). This verse for discipline
  implies we know our child

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Childrens mistakes are their Opportunity to
Practice

• Children dont have the luxury to practice their
  new skills.
• It is much safer to allow them to make mistakes
  and learn from them in a controlled and safe
  environment.
• If parents rescued them all the time they will
  never learn.

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• In our society we are taught to be ashamed of
  mistake.
• What we need to achieve is the courage to change
  our debilitating beliefs about imperfection.
• When they make a mistake, they often receive the
  message that they are stupid.
• Some people decide they are bad or inadequate.
• Others decide they should not take risks for fear
  of humiliation.
• Some decide they will be, sneaky about their mi
• stakes

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• Many mistakes are made because parents havent
  taken time for training and encouragement.
• Model the courage to accept imperfection so that
  children will learn from you that mistakes truly
  are an opportunity to learn.
• THE THREE Rs OF RECOVERY
• 1. RecognizeWow! I made a mistake.
• 2. ReconcileI apologize.
• 3. ResolveLets work on a solution
  together.

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Natural and logical Consequences

• When kids are punished they may think
• I am bad or worthless
• Decide not to repeat the behavior out of fear.
• How to defeat you later
• How to avoid being caught in the future.
• Think about revenge.
• Sense of unfairness.

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Natural Consequences

• Is anything that happens naturally, with no adult
  interference.
• Cannot use natural consequences if
• Child in danger
• When they interfere with the rights of others.
• When the results of childrens behavior do not
  seem like a problem to them e.g. not taking a
  bath, brushing teeth, eating junk food or not
  doing the homework.

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Logical consequences

• They require the intervention of an adult.
• Important to decide what kind of consequence that
  will create helpful learning experience.
• Most effective when the child has been involved,
  in advance, in deciding what consequences would
  be most conducive to help him or her learn.

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• Sometimes we punish out of revenge, or to
  demonstrate power.
• Suffering is not a requirement of logical
  consequences.
• It hard to apply logical consequences and it is
  easier to just react and become engaged in power
  struggle.
• Things can get worse before getting better.

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Three Rs of Logical Consequences

• This help to ensure that the solutions are
  logical consequences rather than punishment
• Related. Writes on the desk, spills the milk,
  write on the wall, etc
• Respectful how can you be so clumsy
• Reasonable clean every desk in the school is not
  reasonable.

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MAKE SURE THE MESSAGE OF LOVE GETS THROUGH
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Punishment
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• All Parents have strong opinions when it comes to
  the subject of punishment and the use of
  punishment.
• Punishment, if used alone, is not effective on
  the long run because it is entirely negative. It
  teaches the child what NOT to do but does not
  teach what he or she SHOULD do.
• Punishment effects are at best temporary and when
  used too often it looses its effectiveness.

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• Punishment provokes fear and fear gives quick
  response but usually no self discipline.
• Mutual respect does not mean all family members
  are equal, it means that parenting and discipline
  takes place in a context of empathy, love ,
  protection and guidance.
• Whats the use of discipline and parenting in
  general if it did not result is self-discipline.

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• Excessive Punishment causes the child to believe
  that he or she is a bad person and results in
  low self esteem, low confidence and low self
  control.
• Punishment in moderation may be necessary, but
  unless its done in a larger positive context of
  discipline, it will not be effective or even may
  be harmful.

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• There are different types of punishment For
  example, physical punishment such as spanking,
  time out, grounding, taking away privileges, etc
• Punishment effects are at best temporary and when
  used too often it looses its effectiveness.

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• Instead on focusing on the behavior that inspired
  the punishment the child usually focuses on anger
  toward the adult or shame about themselves.
• Some adults think that children misbehave because
  the punishment was not severe enough
• Punishment works but temporarily. With
  punishment, parents may win discipline battles ,
  but they may loose the discipline war.

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The Four Rs of Punishment

• Resentment and anger This is unfair
• Revenge they are winning now, but Ill get even
• Rebellion Ill do just the opposite to prove I
  dont have to do it their way
• Retreat, the from of sneakiness (passive-
  aggressive) or reduces self esteem I am a bad
  person, I give up

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Important punishment rules

• 1- Use punishment sparingly Too often child
  gets used to it looses effect
• 2- Choose punishments that will decrease the
  undesirable behavior and change technique
  if not effective.
• 3- Use punishment with positive technique.
  Encourage, Encourage, Encourage.
• 4- Dont delay punishment.
• 5- Always explain consequences.

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• 6- Be consistent
• 7- Dont make empty threats dont give 2nd, 3rd
  and 10th chances.
• 8- Make the punishment proportionate to the
  behavior.
• 9- If you ever use physical punishment, make it
  brief and well controlled.
• 10- Never apply physical punishment in anger
  and never use belts, switches, cords, etc.

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What Does The Bible Say About Discipline/
Punishment.

• Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who
  loves him is diligent to discipline him.
  (Proverbs 1324)
• Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but
  the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
  (Proverbs 2215)
• Do not withhold discipline from a child if you
  strike him with a rod, he will not die. (Proverbs
  2313)

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• Proverbs 2215 and 2915 support this
  interpretation with the phrases "the rod of
  discipline" and "the rod of correction." The
  writer is clearly not referring here to a literal
  rod.
• Many studies have shown that punishment of any
  kind, especially corporal, only teaches a child
  not to get caught doing wrong.

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• Train up a child in the way he should go even
  when he is old he will not depart from it.
  (Proverbs 225)
• The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left
  to himself brings shame to his mother. (proverbs
  2915)

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• Do not withhold discipline from a child if you
  strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you
  strike him with the rod, you will save his soul
  from Sheol. (Proverbs 2313-14)
• Discipline your son, for there is hope do not
  set your heart on putting him to death. (Proverbs
  1918)

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How to interpret the bible verses

• First, lets get over the "literal interpretation"
  hurdle.
• If you take these verses absolutely literally,
  then they advocate punishing a child with an
  actual rod, an act that would be considered child
  abuse in most states.

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MAKE SURE THE MESSAGE OF LOVE GETS THROUGH
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Some Parenting Skills and Techniques
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Communication Is the Key to Discipline

• Children, obey your parents in everything, for
  this pleases the Lord (Col. 320).
• The term obey means to intelligently listen to.
  
• How you talk to your child. Often means the
  difference between compliance and defiance.

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Communication Tips

• Constant reminding. internalizing, means the
  age at which children can remember previous
  directives and make them part of their usual way
  of acting. This is why toddlers need to be told a
  thousand times. But by three, a child can begin
  to internalize your instructions so that they
  sink in.

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• Connect before you direct.
• KISMIFKeep it simple make it fun
• Rewind and replay.
• Be sure your child understands exactly what
  behavior is expected of him and in what
  situations.
• Let your child draw her own conclusions.
• Speak respectfully Be ever so understanding.

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Setting Limits

• For children to thrive and parents to survive
  kids need boundaries.
• Most parents do a pretty good job of setting
  limits, but they forget that along with setting
  limits, they must provide structure.
• You establish house rules, but at the same time
  create conditions that make the rule easier to
  follow.

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Setting Limits

• Setting limits and providing structure implies
  knowing when to say yes and when to say no.
• Limit setting teaches a child a valuable lesson
  for life the world is full of yeses and
  nos.
• Try to balance your discipline with more yeses
  than nos
• Distract and divert especially very young children

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Shape, Dont Control Your Childs Behavior.

• When-then. When you put your toys away, then you
  can play outside.
• Praise appropriately.
• Give reminders.
• Give consequences.

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Time Out

• Choose the time out location carefully.
• Explain the time out rules to the child
• Set a time limit to the time out 1 min/year
• Count 1- 2- 3, as a warning, before sending the
  child to the time out place

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Time Out

• Do not start counting until child has stopped
  unwanted behavior.
• Back up consequences for not doing the time out.
• Use timer.
• Dont let time out a way to avoid responsibility,
  e.g. cleaning up
• Time out works best for children between ages
  2-12.

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Using Encouragement Effectively.

• Encouragement is the most important skill adults
  can learn in helping children.
• Misbehaving child is usually a discouraged child.
• Encouragement is providing the children to
  develop the perceptions that I am capable, I can
  contribute

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• Children need encouragement, just as plants
  need water. They cannot survive without it.
• Encouragement is not easy because it is normal
  for adults to get hooked into reacting to the
  misbehavior in negative ways
• They think punishment motivates children to
  improve their behavior.

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How to Encourage

• Timing.
• Winning cooperation
• Mutual respect
• Improvement, not perfection
• What you see is what you get
• Redirecting misbehavior
• Making up for it.
• Special time.
• Try a hug.

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Family Meetings

• Problems are shared in a family meeting. And the
  children create the solution.
• Mom and Dad do not take over responsibility when
  problems arise in carrying out the familys
  decision.
• The children enforces the rules because Mom and
  Dad stays out of it.
• The rules applies to everyone in the family,
  including Mom and Dad.

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Family Meetings Rules

• Should be held once a week.
• Decisions should be made by consensus.
• Should include a review of the next weeks
  activities.
• Should not end without planning a family fun
  activity during the coming week.
• End the meeting by playing a game together or
  serving a dessert.
• Sitting at a cleared table is conducive to
  staying on task for problem-solving.

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Components of the family meeting

• Chairperson
• Secretary
• Compliments
• Gratitude
• The Agenda
• Problem-Solving
• Planning Activities