Children Learn What They Live

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• Children Learn What They Live
• If a child lives with criticism, he learns to
  condemn.
• If a child lives with hostility, he learns to
  fight.
• If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be
  shy.
• If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel
  guilty.
• If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be
  patient.
• If a child lives with encouragement, he learns
  confidence.
• If a child lives with praise, he learns to
  appreciate.
• If a child lives with fairness, he learns
  justice.
• If a child lives with security, he learns to have
  faith.
• If a child lives with approval, he learns to like
  himself.
• If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
  he learns to find love in the world.
• By Dorothy Law Nolte

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Childhood Your child s emotional savings
account!

• Dr. Philippe Rey
• Executive Director
• Adolescent Counseling Services

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Introduction

• This presentation is about understanding stages
  in ordinary emotional development
• The goal is for you to make sense of your
  childrens behavior and give you greater
  confidence in your own resources
• Give you tips so you can add regular deposits
  in your kids emotional bank account so he/she
  will feel secure in withdrawing and live a
  secure, responsible life

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Agenda

• Adolescent Counseling Services
• What brings kids to ACS?
• Key emotional developmental stages
• Newborn
• Infancy
• Early childhood
• Starting School and beyond
• Puberty and early adolescence
• Tips on how to increase emotional savings account
• Discussion/Questions

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Overview - LIFE

• The path to independent adult life is usually a
  bumpy one
• Its not a competition or race. There are no
  first prizes
• Parenting is to give children the equipment to
  deal with the complexities of the society in
  which they grow up, and to give them strategies
  to cope
• Parents need the opportunity to think about and
  acknowledge how a child might feel about his/her
  own situation and what he/shes gone through.

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Overview - LIFE

• The development of self-esteem is a lifelong
  task. From our first breath to our last, we are
  all developing, refining, and changing our sense
  of self-worth and identity
• Self-esteem involves developing a sense of
  self-worth by feeling lovable and capable.
  Children tackle this task differently at
  different developmental ages

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Adolescent Counseling Services

• Who we are
• What brings kids to ACS?
• Communication with parents
• Academic stress
• Peer relationship issues
• Self-esteem
• Emotional issues
• 99 Tips

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Key emotional developmental stages - Newborn

• Birth separation
• Babies experience strong feelings including joy,
  sadness, anxiety and rage
• Mothers also experience separation
• Fathers also have strong feelings such as feeling
  left out and envious of the baby
• Becoming parents stirs up hidden feelings, hope
  and dreams. These need to be talked about

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Key emotional developmental stages - Newborn

• A newborn develop emotionally from having his/her
  needs attended to very closely
• Security comes from not having to wait too long
  to be comforted, fed or cuddled.
• The more closely parents get to know their baby
  and can tune to his/her needs, the more likely
  the baby is to thrive
• When babies cry, they are telling you that they
  are hungry, sleepy, cold, wet, or lonely

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Key emotional developmental stages - Infancy

• Each infant discovers the world at his/her own
  pace
• Becoming separate
• Separation can be painful and stressful, but is
  crucial for development
• Infants who are able to establish a secure
  attachment to their parents are more resilient,
  and better able to manage stressful events later
  in life

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Key emotional developmental stages - Infancy

• Infants establish a sense of self by learning to
  do things for themselves and by touching,
  tasting, and feeling everything in sight
• This new-found independence can make a toddler
  seem a bit bossy
• Creating a safe environment and letting an infant
  explore fosters this sense of independence

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Key emotional developmental stages early
childhood

• The terrible twos
• Child may be dealing with a range of confusing
  feelings such as feeling little, helpless and
  dependent
• Parents are important at this stage and need to
  be tolerant
• Child needs someone who understands that for
  every three steps forward there are likely two
  steps back.

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Key emotional developmental stages early
childhood

• Young children play, experiment, explore and
  imitate
• They struggle between their intellectual
  understanding and their feelings
• Become preoccupied by their bodies and the
  differences between them
• Develop a sense of gender identity
• Role of father is important at this stage
• Develop cultural identity

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Key emotional developmental stages Starting
school and beyond

• Children are ready for this step at different
  ages
• Difficult transition
• Anxiety expressed through crying and clinging,
  return to thumb sucking, bed wetting or accidents
  at school, tantrums and baby language
• Parents can experience sadness or jealousy,
  unwillingness to let go and may be unaware that
  they are giving encouraging signals to their child

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Key emotional developmental stages Starting
school and beyond

• Common to see big differences in behaviors
  between home and school
• Continued need for love, support, encouragement
  and empathy from parents
• Act in provocative ways
• Usually children who can not tell us in words how
  they feel will have to show us by their behavior.

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Key emotional developmental stages puberty and
early adolescence

• Children reach puberty at very different ages
  which can be difficult for them, as well as for
  their parents and teachers
• Teenage years are as hard for boys as for girls
• Boys are less likely to talk to others about
  emotional issues or to put their feelings into
  words with adults
• Boys are equally sensitive to problems and find
  it hard to cry and show their vulnerability

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Key emotional developmental stages puberty and
early adolescence

• Parents can experience their childs adolescence
  as very threatening
• Doubts and insecurities about their own
  sexuality, beliefs and the choices you have made
  in life are stirred up
• Teens provoke, demand and argue, and can push
  parents to the limits
• There is no way to avoid angry confrontations at
  this stage.
• Remember that living with a teen is challenging
  but it is also very stimulating and exciting

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• Show love with hugs, smiles, kisses, talking and
  looking directly into your kids eyes.
• Understand that giving attention to a baby is not
  spoiling when you respond to your babys cries
  and coos consistently, his learning is stimulated
  and he develops trust.
• Talk to your baby even before she seems to be
  able to understand what you are saying, and she
  will soon talk back to you.
• Imitate his coos and sounds diaper changing,
  feeding, bathing and dressing are good times for
  you to talk with your young child.
• Say your childs name in a cheerful, caring
  voice.
• Really listen when your child talks to you.

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• Understand that singing and listening to music is
  good for your childs development.
• Provide a safe place for your baby or toddler to
  roll, crawl, and explore. If possible,
  child-proof the entire home.
• Sit and play on the floor with your child daily,
  knowing that children learn through play with
  simple toys and household items such as pots,
  pans, bowls, and wooden spoons.
• Recognize that daily supervised outdoor play,
  including running, climbing, swinging and sliding
  helps children develop strong bodies and minds.
• Realize that when you and your child play
  pretend together, she is learning to use her
  imagination and understand her world.

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• Play rhyming games, recite nursery rhymes and do
  fingerplays to help your child notice the sounds
  of words.
• Help your child notice words and other print in
  the world around you.
• Understand that sharing a favorite book with a
  caring adult can provide comfort to a child, as
  well as a love of books and reading.
• Limit TV watching and when you allow your child
  to watch, sit with him and talk about what you
  see, remembering that young children should not
  watch the news or adult programs.
• Get a free library card so that you can visit the
  library often and check out a variety of books.

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• Avoid calling your child names when discussing
  her behavior.
• Encourage and support your child by showing
  appreciation for his accomplishments.
• Improve your childs self-esteem by teaching her
  how she can help others.
• Say yes and I love you more often than you
  say no or dont.
• Demonstrate in ways she can understand that she
  is unique and special to you.

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• Create dependable, predictable routines for your
  child.
• Remember that infants and toddlers test limits
  because of their curiosity and eagerness to
  learn, not to make you angry.
• Encourage positive behavior by using positive
  guidance techniques.
• If necessary, short time outs (no longer than 1
  minute per year of the age of the child) can help
  you and your child regain self-control.
• Remember that spanking, hitting or shouting may
  stop behavior immediately but may teach that
  violence is the way to settle issues.

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR
  HIS/HER BEHAVIOR. We do not control others. We
  can only influence others to want to change their
  behavior.
• ESTABLISH AN ATMOSPHERE OF MUTUAL RESPECT BETWEEN
  YOU AND YOUR CHILD. Children respond more
  positively when adults are consistent, honest,
  open and supportive.
• DETERMINE THE BEHAVIOR OR EVENTS THAT TAKE PLACE
  BEFORE AND AFTER UNWANTED OR UNDESIRABLE
  BEHAVIORS. It is important to identify the things
  in the environment which set off or positively
  reinforce the childs inappropriate behavior.

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• Don't be a "convenient" parent, putting
  short-term desires ahead of long-term benefits.
  Intentional parenting means clearly and
  specifically telling kids what to expect,
  monitoring the outcomes and providing recognition
  or consequences. Don't be falsely positive.
• Follow "Grandma's Law" (eat dinner first, then
  dessert). "We are emphasizing that kids work
  first, then play."
• Build strong family ties by getting kids involved
  with chores starting from an early age. "Kids
  feel good about themselves and more connected to
  you."

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• Avoid negative statements like, "Can't you do
  anything right?" or "What's your problem?" These
  comments discourage open communication and
  suggest that when a child does not behave
  perfectly, he or she is "bad."
• Avoid moralizing ("That was wrong of you!")
  humiliating ("I can't believe you did that.")
  lecturing ("You should have known better.")
  denying ("You'll be okay.") pitying, ("Poor you.
  It's all their fault.") and rescuing, ("I'll
  take care of it."). Instead, listen patiently and
  nod your head appropriately. Remember that
  questions can often lead the child away from the
  real problem or cause the child to stop
  talking.
• Problem solve with the child by encouraging him
  or her to think of options and decide what
  constructive action to take.
• Keep lines of communication open. You might say
  something like "Emily, I am glad you told me
  about your friend's illness. It must be hard to
  have her in the hospital. Please know that I care
  about you and that I am here if you want to talk
  again."

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• You are NOT your childs best friend!
• Ask questions but LISTEN mostly!
• Turn the TV, Radio, DVD, PCs OFF!
• Have dinner together as often as possible!
• Take short and long drives with your kids and
  LISTEN to what they are talking about!
• Say NO when appropriate!
• If you threaten, then follow through!

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• Be involved!
• Listen to their songs ask questions!
• Watch their TV shows!
• Read their magazines!
• Level yourself to themnot the opposite!
• Be playful!
• Celebrate ALL passing grades!
• RECOGNIZE WHEN YOU ARE WRONG AND APOLOGIZE!

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• Give him a gift for no reason.Place a note that
  says, I love you in her lunch bag.Let him
  choose (from options you provide) the next family
  vacation.Spend time alone with her at a location
  of her choiceTruly listen when she speaks to
  youBelieve in him, and his ideas.Do a surprise
  favor for her.Give him specific and truthful
  complements.

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Tips on how to increase emotional savings account

• Making regular deposits in your childrens
  emotional bank accounts will yield dividends
  beyond any those of the highest-performing stock
  on the market!

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• Careful the things you say,
• Children will listen.
• Careful the things you do,
• Children will see.
• And learn.
• Children may not obey,
• But children will listen.
• Children will look to you
• For which way to turn,
• To learn what to be.
• Careful before you say,
• Listen to me.
• Children will listen.

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• Careful the wish you make,
• Wishes are children.
• Careful the path they take
• Wishes come true,
• Not free.
• Careful the spell you cast,
• Not just on children.
• Sometimes the spell may last
• Past what you can see
• And turn against you . . . .
• Careful the tale you tell,
• That is the spell.
• Children will listen

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Discussion/Questions