Pursuing Passion Through the Neo-Cortex

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Pursuing Passion Through the Neo-Cortex

• Don Ferguson, Ph.D.
• donferguson_at_tds.net
• www.inrelationships.com

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Response to Threat

• Full body experience
• Breathing, heart rate, musculature, body
  chemistry, hormones, digestion
• The brain also prepares for battle or flight
• Direct routing of threat info to amygdala
• Narrowed focus and vision

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Executive Operating Systems

• RAGE CARE
• FEAR PANIC
• SEEKING PLAY
• LUST
• Affective Neuroscience
• Panksepp, Jaak, 1998, New York Oxford University
  Press

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• Bartholomew and Horowitz used this model to
  create the Relationship Questionnaire (RC).

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I need
I cant
Curiosity ----------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------
You wont Youre bad
You want too much Youre bad
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Anxiety increases anxiety

• Frustrated needs and desires will lead to
  increased anxiety and need for reassurance
• As one acts out this desperation, the partners
  anxiety and desperation increases and so on
• Getting one partner to surrender in some manner
  may only make matters worse

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Couples out of synch

• The partners are often startled by the fact that
  even their most positive efforts are met with
  suspicion or resentment.
• (the gift of information)
• They are out of synch so that when one tries the
  other is not ready.
• This leads to hopelessness Nothing I do is ever
  good enough.

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John Gottman

• Increase overall positivity in marriagenonconflic
  t
• Decrease negativity during conflict discussion
• Increase positivity during conflict discussion

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The Goal

• Reduce intensity between partners.
• This is exactly opposite of attempting to
  increase intimacy. Reducing their closeness and
  tension facilitates their ability to use complex
  neo-cortex abilities.

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The treatment agreement

• Following the initial assessment- I ask the
  couple to have a brief meeting about their
  experience of the intake. They should discuss
  whether this approach sounds reasonable and
  whether they both feel comfortable with me.
• If agreeing to treatment, they will make one
  evaluation appointment for each and a conjoint
  session for recommendations.

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Common fears when attempting change

• It wont change
• It will get worse
• It will change but it wont last
• The change will not be sufficient
• I will be talked/coerced into doing or accepting
  things that are not good for me.

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The mechanics-assessment

• How do they attempt discussions?
• When do they have time together?
• How do battles begin?
• How do they fight dirty?
• How do they ask for things?
• Who initiates sex and how do they respond to each
  other?

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Primitive battle

• Diagnosis and name-calling
• Attacking the family
• Im the expert
• I work harder than you
• Calling on experts, books and other evidence
• Intimidation
• Arguing the facts

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Looking for positives

• Attachment language-agency, connection, hope,
  positive story telling, humor
• Shared goals
• The exceptions to the negatives
• When do things go well?
• When do they have their best times?
• Be cautious when asking about exceptions.

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The Experimental Nature of Change

• Everything a couple asks for or tries is merely
  an experiment.
• Be prepared to back up because
• If an assignment fails, it wasnt resistance. It
  was the wrong assignment.

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We need to talk.

• I really need to talk to you and get to know you
  better. I will feel closer to you.
• or
• I want to rip you open emotionally, make you feel
  guilty and inadequate and then tap dance on your
  bloodied useless carcass. This will take about
  four hours.

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The mechanics- planning

• Planning meetings- timing, time-limits,
  preparation, decreasing surprises
• Place- remember conditioning theory
• Establishing rules of engagement
• Soft start-ups, bids and increasing positives
  (Gottman)

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Defining the Problem

• Forcing your brains to organize the data
• Specific and behavioral objectives
• Select and define sub-arguments and distractions
• What are the key subjects and what do they mean
  to each of you?
• What would each of you view as a successful
  conclusion to the topic you have named as
  important?

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Early Building of Positives(Gottman, Hendrix)

• Wish list
• Minimal positive contact
• Sacred times
• Initiating times together (How do they get
  together after absences? The arsenic hour is
  described.)
• Celebrating change
• Note These are early interventions and do not
  necessarily address the big issues, yet.

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Relapse

• Inoculating against catastrophic reactions to
  relapse
• Using relapse as a learning tool
• Celebrating new responses to old behaviors
• Discussing continued growth

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After Relapse, Tx Begins!

• Couples have an initial honeymoon
• They then have a vicious relapse which is all the
  more painful because they thought they had made
  it.
• Now they are ready to do the deeper work beyond
  just learning to be nicer to each other.
• You need to invoke their curiosity.

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Sex, love and affection

• Couples often view problems of sexual desire,
  arousal and performance as problems of interest,
  affection and desirability.
• It is often difficult but necessary to help them
  separate these concepts.

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What part of sex is just business and mechanics?

• Business versus Personal Issues
• Partnership Meetings
• Place, timing, agenda
• Defining the problem and who has what problem
• What is minimal positive change?
• What else do we need for this discussion? (books,
  other info)

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Group Program

• Introduction to the biology of fighting and
  estrangement
• Self Assessment
• Development of structured interactions
• Meetings, Negotiations, Play
• Family Discussion and Assessments
• Problem focus for successful discussions
• Increasing intimacy
• Relapse