An Experiential Introduction to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ACT: Where Strangers Meet

1
An Experiential Introduction to Acceptance and
Commitment Therapy (ACT) Where Strangers Meet

• Dr. Yvonne Barnes-Holmes
• Department of Psychology
• National University of Ireland, Maynooth

2
Human SufferingThe Truth About Why ACT Can Help
Us

• High lifetime incidence of major DSM disorders,
  many persistent, pervasive in our lives and
  obstructive
• High treatment demand from other persons even
  more confused because they are suffering and
  cant work it out
• High rates of divorce, sexual concerns, abuse,
  violence, prejudice, which in many cases occur in
  lives that are NOT otherwise happy
• General lack of life direction and focused
  activity, which seems to render life meaningless
  or bland
• These are not just momentary concerns they are
  psychological arthritis it wont kill us but it
  will make our lives miserable
• -- so much so that some days we wish we were dead

9
3
Suicide

• Unknown in non-humans but universal in human
  society
• About 10 incidence of attempts
• About 20 serious struggles including a plan
• About 20 serious struggles without a plan
• About 50 not associated with a DSM disorder

7
4

• This means me and you,
• our families,
• our children,
• our friends,
• our neighbours,
• and our colleagues
• (no-one escapes)

8
5
So, why have we looked for this?

• There is something different about being human
• Because we can feel pain all around us, even in
  the things that are supposed to be reinforcers
• It is easy to slip into pain and discomfort
• It is hard to be happy
• And its all just so difficult to work out
  consistently

10
6
Why are you doing this?What does that mean for
who you are?
1
7
Obstacles to Openness

• It is hard to admit we suffer, so we create
  obstacles we can hide behind to convince
  ourselves and others that this is not so
• Try these ones for size and see what others fit

Uncertainty Comparisons Worry Regret Shame
Sadness Anxiety Pride Inconsistency Embarrassment
11
8
The Sad Truth

• So, the sad truth is that you are not special
  psychological suffering and pain are the
  normality, as is the ability to create polished
  obstructions to sharing it
• Yes, you may think you are, you may even really,
  really want to believe that you are, but people
  all over the world have the same problems as you,
  therapists hear them every day, so do spouses and
  partners, so do children and parents and children
  of these parents and their children sorry
  excuses for lame parenting and humanity passed
  down from generation to generation
• Every client thinks that she or he is special, so
  does every therapist

11
9
Now There Are Two Problems

• If you accept that you are not special, then why
  the obstacles to sharing -- no-one will be
  surprised because they will have heard it all
  before
• But you may have invested heavily in being
  perfect, sane or normal
• And all for nothing it was all a farse because
  thats not who you are
• So, now you have two problems you will forever
  struggle to be happy because it is so easy to
  fall into unhappiness and you have wasted chunks
  of your life (perhaps without ever realising)
  already trying to be someone that doesnt exist
• Not even someone that you are not, but someone
  that never existed -- like Barbie -- a nine-foot
  giant with a size 0 wasteline

11
10
Big Vs. Small The John Wayne Image

• We often think that we are being very convincing
  to others when we are trying to hide who we
  really are. Metaphorically everyone walks
  around looking like John Wayne. Among all the
  clients ever seen or heard about, no-one ever
  encountered a real John Wayne. When the door to
  the therapy room closes, we find that the big
  strong-looking people are just as scared as the
  rest of us. Will I be liked? Will I fit in?
  Will I measure up? Even John Wayne, of course,
  wasnt John Wayne. There are a million John
  Waynes all thinking they are the only one Oh,
  to be special.

11
11
So, Who Are You?

• So, you have been pretending for some time to be
  someone you are not
• Someone else has been walking around in your
  shoes, pretending to be you
• Like little girls in their mums high heels
  except youre the parent
• But you have liked it that way, you prefer it in
  fact, because that person is MORE, BETTER, and
  DIFFERENT than you in so many ways
• And they let you hide behind them, so no-one will
  see how small you really are

11
12
Big Vs. Small

• Whenever we try to be BIG, there is a little
  person inside with no room to move
• So, inside each of us, there is little X and BIG
  X
• If only the BIG person could get out of the way,
  then the little person could be big
• BIG people swallow little people up, so much so
  that they dont even know they exist anymore
• Maybe youve been swallowed up

11
13
Whos Been Minding You?

• So, now weve smelled the rat the game is up
• But how did we get swallowed up along the way?
• Why were we trying so hard?
• Well your mind is what makes BIG BIG and it
  played you well, so much so that it has been
  telling YOU who YOU are

11
14
Rich Minds

• So your mind has been working you well, always
  telling you it has a solution to your problems
• But the solution is always the same -- you just
  have to be BIG, one way or another, and then the
  problem will go away because you will believe the
  story that you really are BIG and because BIG
  people dont have problems, then you wont have
  problems either, or at least no-one will know
• And if they get suspicious, your mind will be
  right on the ball and will think of a small
  problem to throw in their direction, just enough
  to make them think youre human and have real
  feelings
• And really -- nothing is handed over

29
15
Rich Minds

• So, your mind is like a rich investment broker,
  who tells you how to invest your money. Now he
  is getting richer and richer, so you believe that
  he is worth investing in. So, when he rings you
  on the phone you are easily convinced because he
  is getting richer and richer. But its with your
  money, and you are not getting richer, you may
  even be losing money. Its not that the broker
  cant make money he obviously can, its just
  that he cant make you money and whats worse is
  that he can only make money for himself if he
  uses yours.
• Like a lamb invited to a dinner party and
  relishing the thought of enjoying a great feast,
  but totally unaware that he is on the menu so
  close and yet so far.
• Isnt a solution always just around the corner!

29
16
Minding Your Shoes

• Thats what minds do best
• They use your energy and time, but no matter how
  active they are, it doesnt mean that they are
  solving your problems
• But, just to keep you spending, they create a
  nice story for you to hold onto and the only
  thing that you are getting out of this is
  something to hide behind
• And now youre hiding behind your own mind and
  your mind has been walking in your shoes its
  been driving you around like a taxi driver
  speaking a foreign language for the most part
  you are helpless

29
17
The Struggle

• But this is not all news to you, you have known
  for some time that no matter how much you
  invested in your mind, you were not getting
  solutions
• You didnt really believe the story your mind
  gave you, so you struggled with it (with thoughts
  like Im not really that bad and secret ways of
  checking if other people confirm or disconfirm
  whether your self-evaluations are true) but
  still you knew it wasnt really working and you
  felt like a bit of a fake
• So, although the story was useful to keep you
  from the full pain of your problems and
  anxieties, you were back to two problems
• The one you started off with and the struggle
  with your mind about it

32
18
The Struggle

• So frustration is always part of the struggle
• We can almost watch ourselves go back and forth
  with our minds in private internal debates, but
  yet we are helpless
• Soon and without you ever really noticing, the
  struggle can become more painful than the thing
  you started struggling about in the first place
• Buts its the only thing you know how to do --
  so you struggle -- struggle -- struggle

32
19
The Struggle

• But, the struggle is so tempting and feels nice
  and comfortable, like youve grown into it
• Its like your favourite old shoes or music from
  the time you were a teenager
• You know you should be moving forward and youre
  not sure if you even like it anymore and you know
  that this would not be the way to move forward,
  but its yours and you own it
• But why so helpless?

32
20
Creative Hopelessness Man in the Hole

• The situation you are in seems a bit like this.
  Imagine that you're placed in a field, wearing a
  blindfold, and you're given a little bag of
  tools. You're told that your job is to run
  around this field, blindfolded. That is how you
  are supposed to live life. And so you do what
  you are told. Now unbeknownst to you, in this
  field there are a number of widely-spaced fairly
  deep holes. You don't know that at first --
  you're naive. So you start running around and
  sooner or later you fall into this large hole.
  You feel around and sure enough you can't climb
  out, and there are no escape routes you can find.
  Probably what you would do in such a predicament
  is to take the bag of tools you were given and
  see what is in there maybe there is something
  you can use to get out of the hole. Now suppose
  there is a tool in that bag, but it's a shovel.
  It's seemingly all you've got. So you dutifully
  start digging, but pretty soon you notice you're
  not out of the hole. So you try digging faster
  and faster. But you're still in the hole. So
  you try big shovelfuls, or little ones, or
  throwing the dirt far away or not. But still
  you're in the hole. All this effort and all this
  work, and oddly enough the hole has just got
  bigger and bigger and bigger. Hasn't it? So you
  come in to see me, and you're thinking maybe she
  has a really huge shovel -- a gold-plated steam
  shovel." Well I don't. And even if I did I
  wouldn't use it because digging is not a way out
  of the hole--digging is what makes holes. So
  maybe the whole agenda is hopeless--you can't dig
  your way out you can only dig in. Im sorry.

37
21
The Struggle

• So, we know why youve been digging, because
  thats what we are all trained to do, and once
  you start, the mind takes over
• And digging pays off at one level because the
  struggle keeps the direct pain of the problem in
  the background and provides a welcome distraction
  from the demands of delivering on a whole life
• Wed all be amazing if it wasnt for X

32
22
Creative Hopelessness

• Now, you have a couple of choices here
• The most obvious one is that you can keep digging
  and convincing yourself that it might eventually
  work
• This is the default option the program is set
  at this dial so that every time you are unwilling
  to make a choice or commit, then digging will be
  the outcome
• And maybe on certain problems thats where you
  are right now maybe you just havent struggled
  enough with that problem
• Maybe you could even make room for some more
  struggle go on, just squeeze a little more in
  and when you have had enough, then you will know
  that you have had enough, because you will not be
  willing to take any more

38
23
Creative Hopelessness

• And notice that as you get very near to the
  maximum amount of struggle you are willing to
  take, part of what might keep you digging even
  then is that you have done so much of it already
• So, now your mind tells you you are a fool

38
24
Creative Hopelessness

• And notice the perspective you have on yourself
  at this point
• So, your mind tells you you are a fool and worse
• And as you buy into that thought, notice that you
  are heaping more dirt down on top of yourself
• Its like a client coming in and you saying you
  fool how did you let that happen, didnt you see
  what was going on, that your problems werent
  going away?
• Go on add a few more insults and evaluations
  theres always room for more dig, dig, dig

38
25
Creative Hopelessness

• But, notice that if this was your client, or if
  it was your son or your partner you wouldnt
  dream of doing that to them
• And yet, you do it to yourself time and time
  again
• Why, so cruel?
• Perhaps you are the victim and not the
  perpetrator?

39
26
Creative Hopelessness Tug of War with a Monster

• This situation is like being in a tug-of-war with
  a monster. It's big, ugly and very strong. In
  between you and the monster is a pit, and as far
  as you can tell, it is bottomless. If you lose
  this tug-of-war, you will fall into this pit and
  will be destroyed. So you pull and pull, but the
  harder you pull, it seems the harder the monster
  pulls, and it appears that you are edging closer
  and closer to the pit. The hardest thing to see
  is that your job here is not to win the
  tug-of-war.
• Your job is to drop the rope.

40
27
Dropping the Rope

• So, I say to you okay just drop the rope and
  we will listen and share, knowing only that you
  are stuck with your struggle and that left to
  your own devices you will just keep digging
• I dont know what it feels like to dig in your
  field or to pull against your monster, I only
  know my own and that others have them just the
  same
• But, I cannot just throw you another line knowing
  that you will just keep pulling or digging,
  because your mind cannot be trusted
• So, no matter what I give you, you will do the
  same, because my experience and your experience
  tell us that this is what you have mostly done so
  far, thats why you still find yourself in this
  situation
• So, I say, let me make a small space on my chair,
  just to help you carry what you are carrying
  because right now there is no way of putting it
  down

41
28
Moving Forward

• There will be no moving forward from hopelessness
  when the mind still has escape hatches it can use
  to get you out of facing the pain and the
  struggle directly
• And if it shows you even the smallest EXIT sign,
  you will probably take it, because if you had
  been really able or willing to face what you are
  facing with dignity, then you would have done so
  before
• These escape hatches will keep letting you behave
  badly they will let you wriggle out of
  commitments with lines like I never really loved
  her anyway or I knew it would never work
• And if you never really committed, then even
  failing is not real failure because you never
  committed anyway thats why your mind never
  loses

41
29
Moving Forward

• But just notice one thing
• Think about whats on the table what is really
  happening in the negotiations
• Is it really about whether you love the person or
  whether you want something to work
• They may not be on the table at all maybe its
  about being right and clever and in charge
• And if that has been the case and you see it,
  then only you has been made wrong by this try
  putting that on the table too

41
30
Moving Forward

• Okay, so you are stuck, you cant move forward
  because you cant trust yourself, because youll
  start struggling
• And you cant move anyway because you never
  really did anything like this before, so you
  dont really know what you are doing
• You feel a bit of a fool, because you are such a
  novice
• Thats a good thought Test 1 -- will you
  struggle with it or will you just notice that it
  showed up at a time of uncertainty
• Choose now (1) struggle and play with the
  thought, fighting back that it is not true or (2)
  notice that it showed up when it did and that it
  tried to tell you something about who you are
  (also notice that it tried to tell you that the
  thought was BIG and you are small)

47
31
Moving Forward

• Being willing and making a commitment to noticing
  the struggle through which your unwillingness
  survived are amongst the hardest things you will
  do in ACT
• Any actions thereafter will be guided by what you
  find after noticing the struggle, not by what
  your mind tells you, so you have full
  respons-ablity over your actions, any failings
  will be your own entirely and you will know that,
  and the success will be yours too
• Sometimes you will judge wrong and the struggle
  will get you anyway, and there will always be
  someone you can find to make a small space in
  their seat, if you only ask
• Alternatively, if you begin to struggle with the
  struggle, then you can be guaranteed of the
  outcome there will be no magic to what will
  happen thereafter

41
32
Moving Forward

• So, no matter where or when this workshop ends or
  how much it affects you there will come a time
  when you will have to bring your futures forward
• It may be a Monday morning or a Wednesday
  afternoon, but it will come and you will have at
  least one choice to make
• And at this time you might ask yourself what have
  you been being about
• Have you been being about struggle, of one kind
  or another?

41
33
Discriminating Self as Context from Self as
Content

• Over-attachment with psychological content to the
  point of fusion or integration with the self, is
  almost unavoidable and not letting this happen in
  a problematic fashion requires the development of
  a very stable sense of who you are (warts and
  all)
• Sadly, it is easier to integrate with negative
  content, because the demands upon behaviour
  thereafter are less if you think you are weak
  then only weak behaviour will be necessary to be
  consistent with this and so you cant fail
• But content is often polarised as we try to pull
  ourselves away from negative content by using
  positive content so our struggle looks like it
  is between being positive and negative
• However, no matter how much positive content you
  try to cling to, the outcome of the struggle will
  always be the same more struggle

55
34
Polarising The Box with the Stuff in it

• Suppose we had this box, some nice, some horrible
  its the content of your life. All of your
  programming. Theres some useful stuff in here,
  but theres also some rotten smelly stuff. Now
  lets say that there are some things in here that
  are really yucky blow your nose into a tissue
  and put it in the box. What would come up? I
  have to get rid of this. As we continue, the box
  is getting pretty full and notice that a lot of
  these items have to do with the first yucky one.
  Notice that the first piece isnt becoming less
  importantits becoming more important, because
  your programming doesnt work by subtraction. So
  the more you try to subtract an item, the more
  you add new items that have to do with the old
  one. Problem is, since the box is you, at some
  level, the box is in contact with all the bad
  stuff youve stuffed in the corners. Now if the
  stuff thats in the corners is really bad, its
  really important that it cant be seen. But that
  means that anything related to it cant be seen
  either, so it too has to go into the corner. So
  you have to avoid situations where light might be
  cast into the corners. Gradually your life is
  getting more and more squeezed and the bad is
  leaking evermore over the good.

64
35
Thoughts and Words Look Real

• Thoughts and words often function literally, this
  is simply the way that language works and it is
  useful for the real world
• For example, the rule dont run into moving
  traffic or you will die allows you to imagine in
  a real sense what will happen if you do, so that
  you can avoid it if it didnt have some literal
  functions then you would have no great reason to
  avoid it
• But many thoughts, particularly those that relate
  to ourselves, lead us to believe that they are
  actually saying something important about who we
  are and who we should be these are always the
  ones that shout the loudest

55
36
Thoughts and Words Look Real

• So, the literality exercises clearly demonstrate
  how thoughts can affect our behaviour directly
• For example, maybe you had the sense that you
  just couldnt write the words
• Now we know that your hand or its capabilities
  didnt suddenly become paralysed, so your mind
  was in the driving seat of the hand
• And so, its a good lesson, be afraid of those
  thoughts, be very afraid, because left to your
  own devices, you could let them take over the
  whole ship and your life would be like the hand
  on a compass with your mind spinning you around
  from one direction to the next

55
37
Self as Context vs. Content The Chessboard

• Its as if there is a chessboard that goes out
  infinitely in all directions. Its covered with
  different coloured pieces, black pieces and white
  pieces. They work together in teams, like in
  chess, the white pieces fight against the black
  pieces. You can think of your thoughts, feelings
  and beliefs as these pieces. For example, bad
  feelings (like anxiety, depression, resentment)
  hang out with bad thoughts and bad memories.
  Same thing with the good ones. So it seems
  that the way the game is played is that we select
  which side we want to win. We put the good
  pieces (like thoughts that are self-confident,
  feelings of being in control etc.) on one side,
  and the bad pieces on the other. Then we get up
  on the back of the white queen and ride to
  battle, fighting to win the war against anxiety,
  depression, thoughts about whatever. Its a war
  game. But theres a logical problem here, and
  that is that from this posture, huge portions of
  yourself are your own enemy. In other words, if
  you need to be in this war, there is something
  wrong with you.

65
38
Self as Context vs. Content The Chessboard

• And since it appears that youre on the same
  level as these pieces, they can be as big or even
  bigger than you are, even though these pieces are
  in you. So somehow, even though it is not
  logical, the more you fight the bigger they get.
  If it is true that if you are not willing to
  have it, youve got it, then as you fight them,
  they get more central to your life, more
  habitual, more dominating, and more linked to
  every area of your life. The logical idea is
  that you will knock enough of them off the board
  so that you will eventually dominate themexcept
  your experience tells you that the exact opposite
  happens. Apparently the black pieces cannot be
  deliberately knocked off the board. So the
  battle goes on. You feel hopeless, you have a
  sense that you cant win, and you cant stop
  fighting. If youre on the back of that white
  horse, fighting is the only choice you have
  because the black pieces seem life-threatening.
  Yet living in a war zone is a miserable way to
  live.

66
39
Discriminating Self as Context from Self as
Content

• Much of what we see as bad content is
  evaluation
• When this concerns the self it can become
  particularly painful and particularly sticky
• Here there are high levels of fusion between the
  content and the self and non-literal exercises
  are necessary to defuse the perspective on these

67
40
Self as Context vs. ContentThe Signpost

• Say you were looking at a mountain and there is a
  signpost pointing to it that reads, Bad
  Mountain. If youre over at the signpost,
  looking at the mountain from the point of view of
  bad mountain that appears to be what the
  mountain actually is. However, if you stand back
  and look at both the mountain and the signpost,
  you can see that they are two different things.
  One is the mountain, and one is the evaluation of
  it. The thing that says bad is not the
  mountain, but a sign pointing to it. If you see
  this, its not necessary to tear all the signs
  down. The problem is if you take the signs to be
  the things that they point to.

68
41
Self as Context vs. ContentHouse and Furniture

• Its as if you are a house, filled with
  furniture. The furniture is not, and can never
  be the house. Furniture is the content of the
  house and the house merely holds or contains it.
  It provides the context in which the furniture
  can be furniture. Whether the furniture is
  thought to be good or bad, says nothing about the
  value of the house. You are the house but not
  the furniture. Your thoughts and feelings are
  the furniture. Just as the furniture is not the
  house, your thoughts and feelings are not you.
  They are simply experiences you have that are
  like pieces of furniture.

61
42
Discriminating Self as Context from Self as
Content

• Out of the place from which there is a
  distinction between you and that with which you
  struggle (including struggle itself), are you
  willing to feel that, think that, experience
  that, as it is, not as it says it is, and do
  whatever works for you in that situation?

73
43
Experiential Willingness

• It can be very difficult to decipher what is and
  is not experiential willingness
• Willingness is not a feeling or a belief, it is
  ultimately an action
• When all is said and done, ACT is fundamentally
  about courage and taking a leap of faith when all
  you know is what you dont know

47
44
Experiential Willingness

• To show you how you have already started, notice
  that willingness was coming here and being honest
• And even when you are being willing, there is
  plenty of room for everything else that might
  show up
• Welcome it in -- good and bad and show off your
  willingness to it
• Its simply a matter of what you choose to be
  about

47
45
Experiential Willingness The Two Scales

• Imagine there are two scales, like the balance
  and volume knobs on a stereo. One is right out
  here in front of us and it is called, for example
  sadness. It can go from 0 to 10. In the
  position youre in, what brought you in here was
  this This sadness is too high. Its way up
  here and I want it down here and I want you, the
  therapist, to help me do that please. In other
  words, you have been trying to pull the pointer
  down on this scale. But now theres also another
  scale. Its been hidden. It is hard to see.
  This other scale can also go from 0 to 10. What
  we have been doing is gradually preparing the way
  so that we can see the other scale. Weve been
  bringing it around to look at it. It is really
  the more important of the two, because it is the
  one that makes the difference, and it is the only
  one that you can control. This second scale is
  called Willingness. It refers to how open you
  are to experiencing your own experience when you
  experience itwithout trying to manipulate it,
  avoid it, escape it, change it, and so on.

48
46
Experiential Willingness The Two Scales

• When sadness is up here at 10, and youre
  trying hard to control it, to make it go down,
  make it go away, then youre unwilling to feel
  it. In other words, the willingness scale at
  that time is down at 0. But this is a terrible
  combination. Its like a wrench. When you have
  a wrench set one way, no matter how hard you turn
  the handle on the wrench it can only tighten the
  bolt. Its like that. When sadness is high, and
  willingness is low, the wrench is tight and
  sadness cant go down. Thats because if you are
  really, really unwilling to have sadness, then
  sadness is something to be sad about. Its as if
  when sadness is high, and willingness drops down,
  the sadness kind of locks into place. You turn
  the wrench and no matter what you do with that
  tool, it drives it in tighter. So what we need
  to do in this therapy is shift our focus from the
  sadness scale to the willingness scale. Youve
  been trying to control Mr. Sadness for a long
  time, and it just doesnt work. Instead of doing
  that, we will turn our attention to the
  willingness scale. Unlike the sadness scale,
  which you cant move around at will, the
  willingness scale is something you can set
  anywhere.

49
47
Experiential Willingness The Two Scales

• Its not a reaction, a thought, or a
  feelingits a choice. Youve had it set low.
  You came in here with it set low-in fact coming
  in here in the first place may initially have
  been a reflection of its low setting. What we
  need to do is to get it set at high. If you do
  this, if you set willingness high, I can
  guarantee you what will happen to sadness. Ill
  tell you exactly what will happen and you can
  hold me to this as a solemn promise. If you stop
  trying to control sadness, your sadness will be
  low or it will be high. I promise you. Swear.
  Hold me to it. And when it is low, it will be
  low, until its not low and then it will be high.
  And when it is high, it will be high until it is
  not high anymore. Then it will be low again. Im
  not teasing you. There just arent good words
  for what it is like to have the willingness scale
  at highthese strange words are as close as I can
  get. I can say one thing for sure, though, and
  your experience says the same thing if you want
  to know for sure where the sadness scale will be,
  then there is something you can do.

50
48
Experiential Willingness The Two Scales

• Just set willingness very low and sooner or
  later when sadness starts up, the wrench will
  lock in and you will have plenty of sadness. It
  will be very predictable. All in the name of
  getting it low. If you move the willingness
  scale up, then sadness is free to move.
  Sometimes it will be low, and sometimes it will
  be high, and in both cases, you will keep out of
  a useless and traumatic struggle that can only
  lead in one direction.

51
49
Experiential Willingness

• Much of the key willingness work in ACT is done
  in vivo
• Clients wriggle easily when in discomfort and it
  can take a lot for a therapist to remain open to
  this and willing to tackle it
• But, if you fail to do so, clients will easily
  detect this and you will reduce your capacity for
  willingness on both sides on future occasions
• At this point, you must be completely open to
  your own discomfort and stay one step ahead

52
50
Experiential Willingness

• You can check the level of willingness you have
  for what you value by thinking about the
  following questions
• Is this what you dreamed of?
• Is this what you really expected?
• Are you somehow now worth less than before?

52
51
Experiential Willingness

• But willingness is just a set of small steps
• Commitments give the steps momentum and direction
• You can start being willing at any time
• And the more consistently you do it with
  commitments, the more you will be surrounded with
  what you value

52
52
Choosing and Valuing a Direction The Gardening
Metaphor

• Imagine that you selected a spot to plant a
  garden. You worked the soil, planted the seeds
  and waited for them to sprout. Meanwhile, you
  started noticing the spot across the road also
  looked like a good spot maybe even a better
  spot. So you pulled up your vegetables and went
  across the street and planted another garden
  there. Then you noticed another spot that looked
  even better. Values are like a spot where you
  plant a garden. You can grow some things very
  quickly, but others require time and dedication.
  The question is Do you want to live on lettuce,
  or do you want to live on something more
  substantial potatoes etc.? You cant find out
  how things work in gardens when you have to pull
  up stakes again and again. Of course, if you
  stay in the same spot, you begin to notice its
  imperfections. Maybe the ground isnt quite as
  level as it looked when you started or perhaps
  the water has to be carried quite a distance.
  Some things you plant may seem to take forever
  before they come up. It is at times like this
  that your mind will tell you You should have
  planted elsewhere. This will probably never work.
  It was stupid of you to think you could grow
  anything here. The choice to garden here allows
  you to water and weed and hoe, even when these
  thoughts and feelings show up.

79
53
Choosing and Valuing a Direction What Your Life
Stands For

• I want you to close your eyes and relax for a few
  minutes and put all the other stuff weve been
  talking about out of your mind. Now I want you to
  imagine that through some twist of fate, you have
  died but you are able to attend your funeral in
  spirit. You are watching and listening to the
  eulogies offered by your spouse, your children,
  your friends, colleagues and so on. Imagine just
  being in that situation and get yourself into
  that room emotionally. Ok, now I want you to
  visualise what you would like these people who
  were part of your life to remember you for. What
  would you like your husband to say about you as a
  wife? Have him say that. Really be bold here.
  Let him say exactly what you would most want him
  to say if you had a totally free choice about
  what that would be. Now what would you like your
  children to remember you for as a mother? Again,
  dont hold back. If you could have them say
  anything what would it be? Even if you have not
  actually lived up to what you would want, let
  them say it as you would most want it to be.

77