REEL GRIEF

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REEL GRIEF

• No form of art goes beyond ordinary
  consciousness as film does, straight to our
  emotions, deep into the twilight room of our
  soul. Ingemar Bergman
• Coming to terms with our losses is perhaps the
  single greatest challenge we face as human
  beings. Thelma Duffey

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• The horror of life and the horror of death, if
  you grieve and you grieve vicariously helps you
  with your own grief.
• VADIM PERELMAN Director/Screenwriter House of
  Sand and Fog

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Impact of Movies

• What films have helped you process grief?
• What films have helped you regain lost hope?
• What movies stimulated self-awareness or helped
  you feel what you were feeling here and now
  anger, fear, hopelessness, sadness etc.?
• What films have you used in your practice?

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Cinematherapy

• A therapeutic intervention using scenes or entire
  movies to assist clients in their healing/growing
  process
• Compare to bibliotherapy
• Effectiveness anecdotal to date, no formal
  research completed

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Viewing for Fun

• Plot
• Action
• Outcome
• Movie Stars
• Mechanics of Movie
• Focus off Self
• Fritz Perls-Dummy Reflex

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Cinematherapy

• Characters
• Relationships
• Process
• Insight
• Focus on self

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Why Movies?

• Goes beneath defenses, narrow logical self
  (similar to drawing)
• Provides fodder for creative solutions
• Reminds us of what we know
• Helps us stretch and change (Future Pull)
• Models traits we have or havent nurtured
• (i.e. Atticus Finch)
• Offers stories of resilience
• Stimulates emotional release

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Why Movies?

• Reframes problems
• Helps prioritize values
• Offers hope and encouragement
• Jump starts the story telling process
• Illustrates a variety of grief responses
• Helps people understand their grief issues
• Daniel Day Lewis Movies are a celebration of the
  infinite possibilities we all share within us.

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Different Uses for CT

• The Evocative Way
• Emotional responses to scenes bring issues to
  the conscious level. Clients can then work on
  concerns that they were unaware of or were
  avoiding. Any movie or movie scene that impacts a
  client can be used. Each client brings his/her
  own story to the viewing experience.

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Different Uses for CT

• The Perscriptive Way
• Clients learn by proxy by observing movie
• characters. Movies are recommended depending
  on a clients needs.

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Different Uses for CT

• The Cathartic Way
• According to this approach, clients are assigned
  movies for emotional release. Recent research
  crying is emotional bath laughter is cardiac
  elixir. It is advisable to let client choose
  the movie.

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• I recently had an employee stop by my office
  and share that his wife is dying of cancer. In
  the face of pending death, my business skills
  left little to offer. As much as I wanted, there
  was no quick fix, no solution, no Six Sigma model
  to pursue. I felt ill-equipped.

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• Perhaps what is needed isnt sharing our
  strengthbut our weakness. Not giving remedy and
  solution, but being present to the pain and
  suffering of another. Our natural instinct is to
  find something we can do. What is really needed
  is for us to simply be. It is a humbling stance
  of being present to another persons pain. Our
  gift resides in offering support to someone in
  the face of a harsh reality that isnt going to
  be resolved.

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• It is our personal poverty that makes us truly
  valuable to others. It is our deficiency that
  provides solace in the face of lifes mystery.
  Whats required is an aspect of ourselves that we
  are not used to giving. It is drawn from a
  reserve of weakness, impotence and and an
  acknow-ledgment of our frail human condition. No
  easy answer no ready solution little ability to
  fix and solve. Our only gift is the prospect of
  sharing our frail limitations with another. Oddly
  enough, it often proves to be sufficient.

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• The seer Henri Nouwen offers some counsel when
  managing the unruly mess of mystery
• When we honestly ask ourselves which people in
  our lives mean the most to us, we often find that
  it is those who, instead of giving advice,
  solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share
  our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and
  tender hand. (continue)

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• The friend who can be silent with us in a moment
  of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in
  an hour of grief and bereavement, who can
  tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing,
  and face with us the reality of our
  powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

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When is CT Contraindicated?

• Ongoing domestic violence--too much risk of
  unpredictable reactions
• Close proximity to trauma--danger of
  re-traumatizing, use clinical judgment, some may
  feel good about seeing resolution (i.e. a recent
  loss)
• Disorganized thinking, trouble distinguishing
  reality from fantasy (i.e. psychosis)

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When is CT Contraindicated?

• Severe depression/Suicidal
• Client dislikes movies
• Be careful to warn client about particular scenes
  that may be difficult to watch
• (i.e. suicide scenes)

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Lessons In Loss

• Weeks have passed and the pain has not subsided.
  Every time I think about it, my heart starts
  racing and I feel like I just got stabbed in the
  chest.
• She never stopped movingI have never seen a
  being, human or animal, always so full of joy.
  The dog lived every moment as though it was her
  last.
• Oprah Winfrey on the death of her 2 year old
  golden retriever Gracie. She got the message
  to enjoy life and also to slow down.

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• Grief shared is halved. Joy shared is doubled.
• Dont hog your journey.

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Claim Your Grieving StyleSix Feet
Under/Moonlight Mile

• During the graveside service the family is
  introduced to the grieving styles of the mom and
  youngest son. One family member is not
  comfortable with the uniqueness of their
  grieving others are able to give them space to
  do what they need to do.
• In what ways did you see the service meeting the
  needs of the family? How did the service meet
  your needs? What was it like to make the funeral
  arrangements? Are you still receiving intrusive
  mail?

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Social Reactions to GriefSteel Magnolias/The
Accidental Tourist/Moonlight Mile/

• What reactions do you find familiar, both in
  yourself and/or others?

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• Dont let anyone take your grief away from you.
• You deserve it and you must have it.
• If you had a broken leg, no one would
• criticize you for using crutches until it healed.
• If you had major surgery, no one would
• pressure you to run in a marathon next week.
• Grief is a major wound. It does not heal
  overnight.
• You must have the time and the crutches until you
  can
• heal.
• Doug Manning, Dont Take My Grief Away

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The Grief Experience

• In America/Garden State Numbness
• Mystic River Sadness, Not Crying
• In America Letting Go
• Huff Guilt
• In America How do you define the loss?
• Sons Room/Moonlight Mile How can life go on for
  others?

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• When a child dies, the survivors are like an
• open wound. Initially the shock makes them
• numb. Then they are raw--feel raw and are
• overly sensitive to the slightest touch. Slowly
• a scab begins to form. Often it is knocked off--
• too early--and the bleeding, the rawness
• return. Finally, the scab falls off and the
• intensity of the pain, the all-consuming thoughts
  of
• the injury diminish. The scar is always there and
  
• eventually it is not so noticeable. However,
  since that area is
• still sensitive, sometimes some things make it
  hurt a lot. But
• usually the scar is mainly just a part of your
  being.

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• I dont want to rain on your parade, but Im not
  ready to march in it either.

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The Grief Experience

• Smoke/Station Agent/The Accidental Tourist
  Unpredictability of grief
• Upside of Anger (Affair)/Truly Madly Deeply
  Anger
• Under the Sand/TMD Denial
• Waking the Dead Feeling Crazy
• Smoke/Saving Private Ryan Talking About Your
  Loved One

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Conflict Between Spouses Over Grieving StylesIn
The Bedroom/Lantana/The Accidental
Tourist/Moonlight Mile

• This scene emphasizes differences in grieving
  styles. What have you noticed in your own
  relationship?

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Youre MissingBruce Springsteen The Rising

• Shirts in the closet, shoes in the hall
• Mamas in the kitchen, baby and all
• Everything is everything
• Everything is everything
• But youre missing
• Coffee cups on the counter, jackets on the chair
• Papers on the doorstep, but youre not there
• Everything is everything
• Everything is everything
• But youre missing

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• Pictures on the nightstand,
• TVs on in the den
• Your house is waiting your house is waiting
• For you to walk in, for you to walk in
• But youre missing, youre missing
• Youre missing, when I shut out the lights
• Youre missing, when I close my eyes
• Youre missing, when I see the sun rise Youre
  missing
• Children are asking if its alright
• Will you be in our arms tonight?

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• Morning is morning, the evening falls, I got
• Too much room in my bed, too many phone calls
• Hows everything, everything?
• Everything, everything
• Youre missing, youre missing
• Gods drifting in heaven, devils in the mailbox
• I got dust on my shoes, nothing but teardrops

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RitualsThis American Life/About Schmidt/9 Lives

• Schmidt performs a candlelight ritual, which
  allows him to more powerfully connect with his
  wifes memory and his feelings about her. He also
  sees a sign in response to a question he poses to
  her.
• Have you found ritual to be an important tool in
  your grieving? Have you seen a sign from your
  loved one?

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Food For Thought

• Grieving is as natural as crying when you are
  hurt, sleeping when you are tired, eating when
  you are hungry, or sneezing when your nose
  itches. Its natures way of healing a broken
  heart.
• The grief process is like traveling a road-with
  its hills and valleys, its curves and ruts.
  Further down the road, the hills and valleys are
  not so pronounced, the curves are less sharp and
  the ruts are not so deep.

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Food For Thought

• Grief is like riding down a country road on a
  beautiful day, turning a curve, and coming into
  complete darkness.
• To be bereaved is to be robbed.
• Talking about the death will be painful, but not
  talking will be even more painful.
• If we couldnt love, we couldnt grieve. And if
  we couldnt grieve, we couldnt have loved.
• Mourning is really a journey from where we are to
  where we will be.
• The moment an individual dies, everything changes.

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Saying GoodbyeForrest Gump/Moonlight Mile/In
America

• Are you comfortable speaking to your loved one?
• Do you dream about your loved one?

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Finding MeaningCastaway

• How is Tom Hanks being at the crossroads
  similar to your situation?
• How has the death changed you?

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SpiritualityWhat Dreams May Come/Simon
Birch/After Life

• How has your faith helped/hindered your healing?
  
• Have your feelings about God, your faith and/or
  spirituality changed?
• Are you comfortable with your current feelings?

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A Death Has Occurred

• A death has occurred and everything has changed.
• We are painfully aware
• that life can never be the same again,
• that yesterday is over,
• that relationships once rich have ended.
• But there is another way to look upon this truth.
• If life now went on the same,
• without the presence of the one who has died,
• we could only conclude that the life we remember
• made no contribution, filled no space, meant
  nothing.

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A Death Has Occurred

• The fact that this person left behind a place
• that cannot be filled
• is a high tribute to this individual.
• Life can be the same after a trinket has been
  lost,
• But never after the loss of a treasure.
• KinderMourn, Inc.

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Helping Grieving Children

• Corrina Corrina Withdrawn, Anger
• Simple Things Support from other children
• Ordinary People Grieving and still having to
  parent

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Michael Kahn, LPC, JD

• www.reeltoreal.biz
• Michael_at_reeltoreal.biz
• 704.962.8023