Love Comes From Loving, Not From Outside

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Love Comes From Loving, Not From Outside
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Valentines Day is one of my favorite times of
year. The Tibetan New Year is also a favorite,
and because the two often fall around the same
time, I make a practice of reflecting upon New
Years resolutions relating to my loved ones, and
renewing my commitment to cultivating altruistic
compassion and an unselfish open heartthe very
essence of authentic love. These resolutions
encompass opening both my heart and mind
listening better learning to forgive and love
even those I dislike and accepting and blessing
the world, rather than fighting or feeing it.
Through co-meditating with everything as it
appears through inter-meditation and
interbeing with itrather than against or apart
from itI am able to see through the illusion
of separateness. I also remember those who may
not feel included in this so-called day for
lovers. As Zen Master Dogen saysTo study the
Buddha Way is to be intimate with all things.
This is true love. How can we love and accept
others if we dont have compassion and love for
ourselves? Some say we are here in this world to
learn and to evolve in consciousness and open our
heart as wide as the world. If we are open to
this panacean medicine, among lifes greatest
lessons is how to love and to love well, and as
Ram Dass often saysbe love, in addition to
giving and receiving it. The answer is learning
how to breathe love in and breathe it out, giving
and receiving both, while cultivating loving
awareness in action. I believe love is the magic
ingredient for happiness, growth, harmony and
fulfillment.
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Many people have asked me, How would Buddha
love? The Buddha saw every being, human and
otherwise, as fundamentally like himself, and was
thus able to treat and love them in the way all
beings should be treated. We call this infinitely
benevolent, selfless love the invaluable
bodhichitta or the awakened heart, the very
spirit and soul of enlightenment. One can find
this taught elegantly in the Loving-Kindness
Sutra, in Shantidevas classic, The Way of the
Bodhisattva, and in Atishas, Seven Points of
Mind-Training and Attitude Transformation. Through
the transformative magic of bodhichitta, each
relationship and every single encounter can be a
vehicle for meaningful spiritual connection.
Buddha taught that this altruistic bodhichitta,
or spiritual love, has four active arms, known as
the Four Boundless Heartitudes, or the Four Faces
of Compassion. So how can we love Buddha-style?
By practicing impartiality to all, freeing
ourselves from excessive attachment or false hope
and expectation, and accepting, tolerating, and
forgiving those around us. Buddhist love is based
on recognizing our fundamental interconnectedness
and understanding that all beings are like
ourselves in wanting and needing happiness,
safety, fulfillment, meaning and connectionand
not wanting pain, suffering and misery. The Dalai
Lama says, If you want to be wisely selfish,
care for others. All the happiness and virtue in
this world comes from selflessness and
generosity all the sorrow from egotism,
selfishness, hatred and greed.
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The essence of Buddhist relationship is to
cultivate the cling-free relationship, enriched
with both warm caring and impartial equanimity.
It is essential in intimate relationships to
communicate honestly, stay present, tell the
truth of your experience using I-statements
(rather than accusations and judgments), and
honor the other enough to show up with an open
heart-mind ready to really listen, feel, and
mutually interconnect. Heated passion becomes
warm, empathic compassion when we bring it into
the sacred path, when we recognize every moment
in life as a possibility of awakening and
intimately embrace whatever arises in our field
of experience. In that sense, human love and
sexual consummation are like the tip of the
iceberg of divine love, an ecstatic intimation of
eternity, a portal to infinite depths of the
groundlessness and limitless space that
transports us beyond our limited, egoic selves,
to bliss and oneness with all that lives. People
often ask me how to find their soul mate, or
even if I believe in such a concept. I think that
rather than focusing on finding the perfect mate
in this world, we would generally do better to
work on refining and developing ourselves. Make
yourself the perfect mate, without being too
perfectionistic about it, and you will be a good
mate with almost anyone. When your heart is pure,
your life and the entire world is pure. We all
feel the desire to possess and be possessed, to
love and be loved, to connect and be seen,
embraced, and belong. However, I think that the
most important thing in being together is the
tenderness of a good heart. If our relationships
arent nurturing the growth and development of
goodness of heart, openness, generosity,
authenticity and intimate connection, they are
not serving us or furthering a better world.
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I have learned that to truly love people I need
to let them be, and to love, accept and
appreciate them as they arefree of my
projections, expectations and illusions. This is
equally true for loving and accepting oneself.
When I peer deeply enough into someones heart
and see the baby Buddha or innocent, inner child
their grandparents and parents cradled
oh-so-lovingly in their armsand how, in that
way, that are just like mewho would I harm,
fear, resent, put down, persecute or exploit? I
notice that children let go of anger and would
rather be happy than right, unlike so many of us
adults. Staying present in this very moment,
through mindful awareness and paying attention to
what israther than dwelling on the past or
future, or on who I think I am or imagine others
to behelps free me from excess baggage, anxiety
and neurosis. This opens me to true love,
Buddhas love, Christs love. For more details
about Lama Surya Das feel free to
visit http//www.surya.org/love-comes-from-loving
-not-from-outside/