Therapy For Gay, Bisexual, And Questioning Men (1)

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Therapy For Gay, Bisexual, Questioning Men
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Mom, Dad I need to tell you something.
After a long, awkward silence, they reply Its
okay. Youre our son, and we love you. But are
you sure? I mean youre only 28. How can you be
sure? If you are, its okay. Dont get us wrong
We love you, and well support you. This is a
private matter, and your secret is safe with us!
To which you reply, But, guys, I dont want it
to be a secret. Cant you get that? Of course,
yes, of course they reply, We didnt mean a
secret its just that not everyone is as open as
we are and, well, you know how some of the family
are. We dont want you to be hurt by their
reactions.
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Can you imagine that conversation going this way?
Its okay theres nothing to worry about. I
mean you may already have figured it out. I
dont know how to say this, so Im just going to
come out with it IM STRAIGHT. Theres a long,
awkward silence as you take in the look of shock
maybe even horror or disgust. Mom cries, and
dad comforts her Look what youve done to your
mother. How could you do this to her? To us??
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Getting shut down by internalized shame That
first flutter of the heart that first impulse
to take a boys hand that draws us into the
wonderous and altogether new world of romantic
and sexual love can be shut down by
internalized shame. There can be a sense that we
are wrong that this is dangerous that we risk
rejection, exclusion, isolation, and loneliness.
That, in turn, can drive us into repression or
secret lives that are compartmentalized.
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Who and where are your guides and mentors?
You know for becoming a loving, integrated,
sexual person when your heart and body are drawn
to men? Where are the family rituals, religious
celebrations, cultural acknowledgments, and
political affirmations of our rites of passage
from adolescent longings to mature adult lives as
sexual men? It is not just the absence of these
rituals that can wound us so subtly and deeply.
Its also the overt aggressions and rejections of
elements of the dominant culture that can make us
feel so utterly sad, hopeless, and alone. Even
worse, we can swallow the belief that we are
unworthy of the kinds of heterosexual lives we
see championed and celebrated around us.
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Silence Secrecy Judgment HomoShame
HomoShame. Its a thing. And internalized
HomoShame? Its a damn thing! Internalized
HomoShame is the process by which you take on the
shaming of homosexuality that is subtly (and not
so subtly) reinforced through family, religion,
culture, schools, teams, and on and on. It is as
direct as gay bashing and as subtle as the
absence of your story in the childrens books you
read. And when you did hear about it, read about
it, or saw it portrayed in dominant culture, the
message was clear
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You are not others labels of who youre
supposed to be.
FAGGOT, QUEER, GURL, SISSY BOY, ABOMINATION,
UNACCEPTABLE, FAILURE, DISGUSTING And there so
many more that are too blue for this site! It
can feel like death by a zillion cuts, and each
cut bleeds into the next. Perhaps you
participated in those words in an attempt to eke
out some measure of belonging Perhaps you
swallowed it and pretended not to care because
caring was too painful.
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