Goals of Misbehavior

1
Goals of Misbehavior

• A Presentation by
• Rochelle Perper, Ph.D.
• Montessori School of La Jolla II

2
Goals of Misbehavior

• Behaving normally out of a specific need
• Mode of communication
• Reinforcing the positive

3
Four Main Goals Children are attempting to
accomplish through misbehavior

• Attention
• Power
• Revenge
• Inadequacy

4
Goal 1 AttentionI need to be noticed

• Based on need for positive recognition
• Negative attention is better than no attention
• The Silver Lining
• Your child wants to have a relationship with you

5
Examples of Attention-Seeking Behaviors

• Biting
• Whining
• Watch me now!
• Seeks constant parent contact
• Not doing something that they should be doing
• Child operates on slow, slower, and slowest speeds

6
Parents Reaction to Attention

• Annoyance
• Tendency to remind the child to stop
• When you give attention to negative behavior, the
  child is being reinforced for misbehavior
• Childs Response to Parents Reaction
• Temporarily stops misbehavior, and later resumes
  behavior or disrupts in similar or other way

7
AttentionAlternatives for Parents

• Ignore the Behavior
• Give attention for positive behavior when child
  is not making a bid for it
• Redirect child to more appropriate activity
• Set aside some time each day to give full
  attention to child
• Model to your child how to ask directly for
  attention when needed

8
Goal 2 PowerYou cant make me

• Based on need for personal independence
• Child feels important when he or she is the boss
• Accompanied by secondary goal of getting out of
  doing something or getting something that he or
  she wants
• The Silver Lining
• Your child exhibits leadership potential,
  assertiveness, and independent thinking

9
Examples of Behaviors for Power

• No!
• Temper tantrums
• Resists directions
• Quiet noncompliance your child does his or her
  own thing

10
Parents Reaction to Power

• Anger
• Exasperation
• Tendency to fight or give in
• Childs Response to Parents Reaction
• Intensifies misbehavior
• Submits with defiance

11
Power Alternatives for Parents

• Give child legitimate power with limited choices
  and jointed decisions and discipline
• Allow for flexibility in when, where, or how
• Delegate responsibility so your child feels a
  sense of responsible power
• Avoid and defuse confrontation by stating
  feelings and The Rule is
• Dont give in just to make peace
• Let consequences occur

12
Goal 3 RevengeYou dont love me

• Based on need for safety and security
• If a child feels unlovable, hurt, uncomfortable
  or scared, he or she may want to even the score
• The Silver Lining
• Your child shows a spark of life by trying to
  protect himself from further hurt

13
Examples of Behaviors for Revenge

• Name-calling
• I hate you
• I dont love you anymore
• Hits parent
• Child is sullen and withdrawn
• Child may refuse overtures of friendship

14
Parents Reaction to Revenge

• Deep hurt
• Tendency to want to get even
• Childs Response to Parents Reaction
• Seeks more revenge by intensifying misbehavior
• Choosing another misbehavior

15
Revenge Alternative for Parents

• Avoid feeling emotionally hurt and punishing your
  child
• Statements that empower parents
• Highlight your childs strengths
• Reflect what it is you think your child might be
  feeling
• Build trust and respect through caring
  relationships with your child
• Model for your child how to express hurt and
  hostility appropriately and invite your child to
  talk when he or she is upset

16
Goal 4 Inadequacy I cant

• Based on need for success
• Child may give up on succeeding because he or she
  feels discouraged
• By misbehaving, a child avoids situations with
  high expectations
• The Silver Lining
• Your child has a strong desire to accomplish
  goals well

17
Examples of Behaviors for Inadequacy

• Whines or cries
• I cant do it
• Can you do it?
• Child may throw tantrum when pressure to succeed
  becomes too intense
• Procrastination, or failure to complete projects

18
Parent Reactions to Inadequacy

• Despair
• Helplessness
• Tendency to agree with the child that nothing can
  be done
• Childs Response to Parents Reaction
• Responds passively or fails to respond
• Refuses to try and shows no improvement

19
InadequacyAlternatives for Parents

• Encourage any efforts or attempts to improve
• Do not pity
• Resist urge to feel helpless have faith that
  your child can handle the problem
• Mistakes are okay!

20
Thank you.

• You can learn many things from children.  How
  much patience you have, for instance.  Franklin
  P. Jones