onpluto

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• onpluto
• "the worlds safest airline"

Click mouse to continue .
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• OnPluto airlines has the best anti-terrorism
  measures in the world.
• Please click to know about our unique security
  regulations that make us the safest airline in
  the world

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Check In time

• Because our check-in is so thorough, you need to
  come early.
• All Muslims, Christians, Hindus and Buddhist must
  come at least 12 hours before departure.
• However, atheist can come two hours before
  departure.

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Detailed questions 

• You will be asked detailed questions to judge if
  you are a security risk.
• For an example, you will be asked if you have had
  any thoughts of killing anyone (including your
  mother in law).

5
Body search

• We understand that passengers may feel
  uncomfortable being searched.
• To make your physical searches more enjoyable, we
  have hired and trained staff from strip bars and
  gay clubs to search you thoroughly.

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Total Body X-Ray

• Of course we will X-Ray your complete body to
  detect any hidden objects.
• For an extra payment we can get a doctor to check
  your X-Rays for diseases at the same time.

7
Liquids

• No liquids are permitted onboard.
• If you have any liquid medicine, you must drink
  all of it before your flight ( please buy life
  insurance before you do so ).
• If you are carrying milk for your baby , it will
  have to be tested (and tasted) by our security
  cat at the check in desk.
• If the cat dies after drinking the milk, you will
  be arrested and you will also be asked to pay the
  cost of getting a replacement cat.

8
 Fake Boobs

• Special precautions are necessary for women with
  breast implants as these might be used to conceal
  explosives.
• If you have fake boobs (please be honest as there
  are lives at stake), you will be asked to wear
  our special explosion proof bra.

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Toilets

• For security reasons, our aircraft do not have
  toilets.
• To ensure that you don't need to pee during the
  flight, please do not drink any fluids for 24
  hours before the flight. .

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Armed Guards

•  All our aircraft have armed guards in the cabin.
  
• They are very twitchy and slightly nuts, so
  please don't irritate them ( e.g. by saying
  "Hello !") because they might accidentally fire
  their guns and kill you and everyone else.

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Farting 

• We consider a fart to be a form of biological
  weapon and thus farting is strictly banned on our
  flights.
• If we detect a fart, our fart alarm will sound
  and the oxygen masks will be released.
• Please breath into these masks till the air is
  cleared.

12
Dark Glasses

• You will be given dark eye glasses to wear during
  the flight. With these, you will be able to spy
  on your fellow passengers without them knowing.

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 Emergency Exits

• The emergency exits are not locked and can be
  opened anytime.
• If you suspect that a fellow passenger is a
  terrorist, please do not ask any questions.
  Simply throw him or her out of the nearest
  emergency exit .

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  Random destinations

• To fool potential terrorist, your aircraft will
  land at a different airport to the one mentioned
  in your ticket.
• So please dont plan your holiday too much.

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Please don't fly with us

• To make our flights really safe, we prefer if
  there are no passengers.
• If we dont have passengers, then there will be
  no one to die. In this way, we will be able to
  maintain our status as the worlds safest
  airline.
• Thank you for not flying with OnPluto !

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Thank you !

• This is the end of our presentation.
• To save lives, please send this presentation to
  your friends as an email attachment.
• You can get more information about onpluto.com by
  clicking here