Setting Bottom Lines

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Setting Bottom Lines
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Workshop Agenda

• This workshop is based on the SLAA pamphlet
  Setting Bottom Lines
• Our time is divided into five sections
• Each section includes a brief description of the
  item, personal writing and group discussion.

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What are bottom lines?

• Bottom lines are self defined activities which
  we refrain from in order to experience our
  physical, mental, emotional, sexual and spiritual
  wholeness.
• Bottom lines are the boundaries between our
  addictive lives and a new life of fulfillment,
  richness and mystery

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Where do we begin?

• Step One We admitted we were powerless over sex
  and love addictionthat our lives had become
  unmanageable.
• Each person in SLAA has different addictive
  behaviors and acts out differently.
• So our bottom lines are self defined, recognized
  and set with the help of a sponsor and a higher
  Power.

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I. Destructive Behaviors

• We start defining our bottom lines by first
  looking at our destructive behaviors involving
  sex, love, romance, or unhealthy avoidance of
  them.
• What brought you to SLAA?
• What causes you pain and suffering?
• What hurts and demoralizes those around you?
• What actions are you often powerless to stop.
• What makes your life feel as if it is about to
  spin out of control?

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Examples of destructive behaviors

• Having an affair
• Romantic intrigue
• Staying in abusive relationships
• Paying for sex
• Fantasy relationships
• Compulsive masturbation
• Anonymous sex
• Internet pornography
• Compulsive avoidance of social/sexual or
  relationship activity

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What consequences may result from your
destructive behaviors?

• Spiritual, mental, physical harm to self and
  others
• Lowered self esteem
• Loss of job
• Sexually transmitted diseases
• Broken relationships
• Divorce
• Loss of family
• Financial ruin
• Depression, anxiety, suicide
• Legal problems

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II. Addictive Patterns

• Reviewing your destructive behaviors can reveal
  addictive patterns.
• These could be
• activities you choose
• type of partners you choose
• how you plan or alter your schedule to act out
• where you act out
• Working closely with a sponsor may help you to
  uncover your patterns.

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II. Addictive Patterns

• How do YOU contribute to putting yourself into
  slippery places, or staying there?
• How do you set yourself up to act out?
• For example, finding excuses to re-engage with
  your qualifier.
• Identifying addictive patterns can prevent
  relapse and prevent finding new ways to act out.
• For example, replacing prostitutes with
  compulsive masturbation.

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Examples of addictive patterns

• Always choosing unavailable partners
• Confusing lust with love
• Being sexual very early on in relationships
• Having fantasy relationships with people who show
  you kindness
• Dating people who remind you of your mother or
  father
• Ending relationships when they become too
  intimate
• Objectifying people as mere sex objects

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III. Accessory Behaviors

• Are warning signs that you are in danger of
  acting out.
• Are not destructive themselves but they support
  your addiction.
• Seem innocent but set you up to act out.
• Include strategies we use to get relationship or
  sex partners, or materials for acting out.
• Consider your motives before doing anything that
  might be an accessory behavior. What outcome you
  are REALLY hoping for?

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Examples of accessory behaviors

• Cruising for sex.
• Going places where you may accidentally run
  into your qualifier.
• Using drugs or alcohol.
• Dressing provocatively.
• Listening too, reading or watching romantic or
  sexy songs, books and movies.
• Rejecting all social or dating invitations.
• Flirting.
• Innocently contacting ex partners.
• Obsessively thinking about qualifiers or
  reviewing contact information.

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IV. Bottom Line Behaviors

• Bottom line behaviors are self defined
  activities which we refrain from in order to
  experience physical, mental, emotional, sexual
  and spiritual wholeness.
• Bottom lines are based on patterns of behavior.
• Bottom lines should be clear, specific and easy
  to remember so that you know when you have
  crossed them.
• Engaging in any of these behaviors is considered
  a slip in your sobriety.

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Examples of bottom lines

• No getting into a new relationship before ending
  a current one.
• No lying to my partner.
• No having sex on the first date.
• No masturbating with pornography.
• No unprotected sex.
• No pursuing inappropriate and unavailable people.
• No sex or intrigue with a married person.

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Examples of bottom lines

• No contacting qualifiers or trying to find out
  information about them.
• No using prostitutes for sex.
• No going to strip bars or peep shows.
• No stalking an ex-partner or contacting a
  qualifier who wants no contact.
• No cheating on my partner physically or
  emotionally.
• No fantasy relationships.
• No compulsively avoiding sex in a committed
  relationship.

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Once you have your bottom lines, with the help of
your Higher Power and the Fellowship, refrain
from these behaviors one day at a time.
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V. Healthy Behaviors

• Many members find it helpful to list healthy,
  appropriate behaviors that are personally
  relevant.
• These healthy behaviors fulfill and nurture us,
  take the place of addictive behavior, contribute
  to our spiritual growth and recovery, and bring
  joy into our lives.

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Examples of healthy behavior

• Prayer and meditation.
• Journaling.
• Working the twelve-steps.
• Using positive affirmations.
• Having a dating plan.
• Calling program members.
• Going to twelve-step recovery programs.
• Going to fellowship after meetings.
• Consulting my sponsor before engaging in some
  slippery behavior.

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THE END