Light, Bright

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Light, Bright TightService Descriptions

• May 2008
• InformOntario Symposium

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Workshop Strategy

• Points to cover
• changing trends in information structure
• Style Guide recommended approach
• structure of a service description
• active verbs
• problem areas ID and fix
• hands on samples
• the conversion issues and tips
• Q A

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Our Descriptions Now

• traditional approach
• prose / full sentences
• lots of punctuation
• lots of varied sentence structure, length and
  detail
• eg.
• Big Brothers Big Sisters is a registered
  charitable organization that provides positive
  adult role models to boys and girls, ages 6 to
  16, through volunteer mentoring relationships
  that are based on Fun and Friendship.

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The Changing Landscape

• information is everywhere tv, advertising,
  Internet
• buzz words, sound bits, browsing not reading
• our data is no longer just for us
• many audiences are not as familiar with services
  (local, regional or provincial)
• technology allows flexibility and creativity
• Style Guide taskforce recommending change to
  phrases/statements from prose

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New, Fresh Descriptions

• Light, Bright and Tight approach
• Look at the original description again
• Volunteer matching and mentoring service Big
  Brothers Big Sisters screen volunteers who serve
  as adult role models for children 6-16 yrs
  registered charity
• From 34 words to 24

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Phrases / Statements

• Building phrases or statements
• group of words that are related and focus on an
  idea
• could be without a subject, a verb or both
• eg.
• Materials include large print books and talking
  books
• WARNING Dont just chop off a few words and call
  it a phrase!

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Sentence Fragment

• not to be confused with a sentence fragment
• it lacks a subject or lacks a verb or is not a
  complete idea
• eg.
• Foot care (what service?)
• Workshops (about what? For who?)
• Known as Forever Young (huh?)
• Handout with examples

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Features of a Good Phrase

• verb agreement - everything takes place in the
  same time zone - the present
• use plain language not jargon or difficult to
  understand terminology
• Eg
• Breast, colon and sarcoma cancer centre
• Assists with job search, placement and training
• Promotes, implements and evaluates research-based
  programs
• Not jargon like ----
• ABA/IBI therapy ????
• an acute schedule one facility ???

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Featurescontd

• dont make the reader guess about the service
• eg.
• Nontraditional, member driven agency
  one-on-one and peer group support, education,
  advocacy and referrals information seminars
• Its for
• Psychiatric survivors or persons who have had
  interaction with the mental health system
• Its okay to repeat information from other
  fields (such eligibility).

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Featurescontd

• watch out for long phrases (more than two typed
  lines)
• - more difficult to process
• - many thoughts make it harder to grasp on first
  reading
• - might miss some of the content
• From busy list ---
• Acute care hospital with emergency and
  ambulatory services, x-rays, diagnostic, CT scans
  and surgical services, fracture and diabetes
  clinics and spiritual care
• To organized listings --
• Acute care hospital emergency and ambulatory
  services diagnostics services including x-rays
  and CT scans day surgery fracture clinic
  diabetes clinic spiritual care

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Statement Elements

• create a good topic phrase or opening statement
  in 6 words or less (mostly!)
• eg. Childrens mental health clinic
• eg. Bereavement support for families
• tell the reader something new or important even
  if it sounds obvious
• eg. Cooperative child care
• eg. Emergency shelter for assaulted women
• eg. Assessment and psychogeriatric consultation

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Elementscontd

• capitalize the opening statement only
• avoid using all CAPITALS (consider splitting up
  large, multi-service listings with need such
  strong divisions between programs)
• capitalize appropriate words (program name but
  NOT generic name)
• eg.
• Breaking Loose (name of program) vs foot care
  clinic (generic service)

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Elementscontd

• opening statement, followed by asterisk followed
  by next statement repeat
• eg.
• Walk in after hours medical clinic provides
  after hours and weekend services onsite
  laboratory and pharmacy
• minimal punctuation only where its needed
  NEVER at the end of a statement

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Elementscontd

• select strong, active, factual verbs (see list)
• strengthen the verb by reduction
• eg. make an estimate estimate
• avoiding to be verbs which generates excess
• eg. "is responsible for monitoring" could be
  "monitors"

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Elementscontd

• structure information so is easy to understand
• put in order of importance / common thoughts
  together
• eg.
• (1) pre-employment training centre (3)
  childminding for clients (2) job search workshops
• (Note the numbers are just to show order of
  relevance do not include in Description)
• clear, concise, 3rd party neutral

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Elementscontd

• write precise words that carry specific
  information
• From
• provides counselling
• To
• - provides sexual health counselling
• - provides marital counselling
• - offers mental health counselling
• (Note can combine into one phrase)
• Think about how this will be indexed!

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Elementscontd

• be consistent utilize phrases common within
  other similar services
• users expect similar information in similar
  listings
• good method for consistent data collection
• build a collection of statements
• eg. walk in medical clinics
• eg. peanut free facility
• eg. XX-bed retirement home

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Elementscontd

• limit HTML coding
• - avoid lists/bullets, mixed font sizes
• - minimize use of
• bold
• line breaks
• hyperlinks
• Consider impact with other softwares, publications

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Elementscontd

• Check the spelling
• Utilize spell checker (IE or FireFox or others)
• Read aloud to detect awkwardness!
• Your ear may know what your eye has missed

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The Big No-Nos
Words that should never appear in your Service
Description
Replace this. With this
please call ahead call ahead
I, We, Ours, My We welcome walk-in patients to use this service as well as our current patients if they are unable to schedule an appointment to meet their schedule. third party neutral statements service for registered and non-registered patients of the practice
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The Big No-Nos
Statements that should never appear in your
Service Description
Mission statements We are committed to promoting the growth of midwifery in Ontario by providing learning opportunities for students of the Midwifery Education Program. Turn into an opening, summary statement Midwifery education and support services
PR statements Real help, right now! This award-winning service delete it! Right now! licenced accredited
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The Big No-Nos
More words that should never appear in your
Service Description
Flowerly, over-descriptive, unqualifiable statements we have bright, cheery rooms we have friendly staff/highly qualified staff we take great pride in giving the best possible quality of care Just the facts.. 2-bed suites, shared rooms - licenced staff delete, delete, delete!!!!!
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• Time to do samples

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Benefits/Rationale

• publications smaller, more concise
• can quickly browse through the details to capture
  key points
• limited use of punctuation
• dont need to be an English major (no offense!)
• assist with Taxonomy indexing

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Beginning the Shift

• can take up to 2 years to complete
• need to re-train agencies, staff, volunteers
• will be resistence from others
• best approach or combination of approaches?
• Options decide to do first, then get updated
• Options re-write following updating and obtain
  confirmation
• Options by sector
• sector templates provides checklist of items,
  phrase terminology
• standard provides rationale for change

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End Results

• LIGHT
• dont need to write a novel on each service
• leave the sales pitch behind
• Clear, clean facts

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End Results

• BRIGHT
• avoid the jargon
• avoid the slang
• use action words
• check spelling
• minimize punctuation

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End Results

• TIGHT
• eliminate unnecessary words
• consistent through similar sets of records
• order of importance
• remove the clutter

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Better Final Product

• Take control
• youre the editor
• right to edit for content and length statement
• benefit to services when others understand what
  they do
• More appropriate referrals

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Thank you

• Q A