Adult Attachment Theory Understanding the latest findings

1
Adult Attachment TheoryUnderstanding the latest
findings

• Mark A. Young, Ph.D.
• Director of Marriage and Family Counseling Program

2

• Having close connections is vital to every aspect
  of our health mental, emotional, and physical.
• Hawkley U. of Chicago
• Calculates that loneliness raises blood pressure
  to the point where the risk of heart attack and
  stroke is doubled.
• House U. of Michigan
• Emotional isolation is more dangerous health risk
  than smoking or high blood pressure.

3

• Case Western Reserve U.
• Men with a history of angina and high blood
  pressure
• Those who reported no to the question does
  your wife show her love suffered twice as many
  angina episodes during a five year period.
• Women who have had a heart attack stand a
  threefold higher risk of having another if there
  was discord in their marriage.

4

• Patients with congestive heart failure the
  state of their marriage is as good a predictor of
  survival after four yeas as the severity of the
  symptoms.
• Conflict with and hostile criticism from loved
  ones increase our self-doubts and create a sense
  of helplessness
• These are classic triggers for depression
• We live in a epidemic of anxiety and depression

5

• The California Divorce Mediation Project reported
  that the most common reason given for divorcing
  given by close to 80 of all men and women was
  gradually growing apart and losing a sense of
  closeness, and not feeling loved and appreciated.
• Severe and intense fighting were endorsed by only
  40 of the couples.

6
Whats the good news?

• Hundreds of studies now show that positive loving
  connections with others protect us from stress
  and help us cope better with lifes challenges
  and traumas.
• Simply holding the hand of a loving partner can
  affect us profoundly
• Research has found that this act literally calms
  jittery neurons in the brain.

7
Whats the good news?

• People we love are hidden regulators of our
  bodily processes and our emotional lives.
• In 1939, women ranked love fifth as a factor in
  choosing a mate
• By the 1990s, it topped the list for both women
  and men.
• College students now say that their key
  expectation from marriage is emotional security.

8
Does it effect the kids?

• High levels of conflict in a marriage often
  precipitate behavioral and emotional problems in
  children (depression).
• Emotional distancing between parents also
  frequently leads to distancing from the kids.
• This is especially true of fathers and their
  children
• When men withdraw from their wives, they also
  often become unavailable to their children.

9
Does it effect the kids?

• When we feel securely attached to our partner, we
  tend to find it easier to be good parents.
• Kids learn positive ways to deal with their
  emotions and connect with others.
• Securely attached children are happier, more
  socially competent, and more resilient in the
  face of stress.

10
Does it effect the kids?

• Moms who are anxious and insecure about
  closeness, if they are married to responsive men
  who provide them with a safe connection, are able
  to be positive and loving with their kids.
• When we love each other well, we help each other
  parent well.

11
Does it effect the kids?

• The idea that one of the best things you can do
  for your child is to create a loving relationship
  with your partner is not sentimental, its a
  scientific fact.
• When we love our partner well, we offer a
  blueprint for a loving relationship to our
  children and their future partners.

12
Signs to look for?

• Gottmans research on patterns that predicts
  later divorcing
• 1. An affectlessness, the relationship appears to
  be emotionally dead. There is no joy, no
  affection, no humor. They are unresponsive to one
  another.
• 2. People are like passing ships in the night.
  They miss each other, no connecting affectively.
  No passion. They are emotionally unavailable.

13
Signs to look for?

• 3. They do not seem like close friends.
• 4. There is a lot of tension. There are low
  levels of negative affect, but they do not
  escalate.
• 5. They keep saying everything is okay, but they
  appear to not feel entitled to their complaints
  about the relationship
• 6. There is little attempt on the part of either
  person to soothe the other.

14
What creates close connections?

• No Connection
• Lack of emotion
• Unresponsive
• Emotionally unavailable

• Connection
• Emotion is key
• Are responsive to one another
• Are emotionally available to one another

15
Accessibility Responsiveness

• Building blocks of a secure bond.
• Partner can be physically present but emotionally
  absent.
• Emotional engagement and the trust that this
  engagement will be there when needed is crucial.
• When there is no engagement, no emotional
  responsiveness, the message reads you dont
  matter to me.

16
Accessibility Responsiveness

• Emotion is central to individuals being
  accessible and emotionally responsive to one
  another
• Any response, even anger, is better than none.
• It is in our closest relationships where our
  strongest emotions arise and where they seem to
  have most impact

17
Accessibility Responsiveness

• Emotion tells us and communicates to others what
  our motivations and needs are
• They can be seen as the music to the
  relationship dance

18
Accessibility Can I reach you?

• This means staying open to your partner even when
  you have doubts and feel insecure.
• It often means being willing to struggle to make
  sense of your emotions so these emotions are not
  so overwhelming
• You can then step back from disconnection and can
  tune in to your lovers attachment cues.

19
Responsiveness Can I rely on you to respond to
me emotionally?

• This means tuning into your partner and showing
  that his or her emotions have an impact on you.
• It means accepting and placing a priority on the
  emotional signals your partner conveys and
  sending clear signals of comfort and caring when
  your partner needs them.
• Sensitive responsiveness always touches us
  emotionally and calms us on a physical level.

20
Engagement Do I know you will value me and stay
close?

• The dictionary defines engaged as being absorbed,
  attracted, pulled, captivated, pledged, involved.
  
• Emotional engagement means the very special kinds
  of attention that we give only to a loved one.
• We gaze at them longer, touch them more.
• Often we talk of this as being emotionally
  present.

21
Close Connections

• In these moments of safe attunement and
  connection
• Both partners can hear each others attachment
  cry and respond with soothing care,
• Forging a new bond that can withstand
  differences, wounds, and the test of time.

22
Close Connections

• Often found in small moments of time
• Its in these moments of safe connection that
  change everything
• They provide a reassuring answer to the question
  are you there for me
• Once partners know how to speak to their need and
  bring each other close, every trial they face
  together simply makes their love stronger.

23
Close Connections

• These moments of connections create new patterns
  in the relationship a new dance
• If you know your loved one is there and will come
  when you call, you are more confident of your
  worth and your value.
• The world is less intimidating when you have
  another to count on and you know that you are not
  alone.

24
Two Main Processes

• Vulnerability ? Compassion
• One becomes vulnerable and the other responds
  with compassion.
• Vulnerability ? Vulnerability
• One becomes vulnerable and the other responds
  with becoming vulnerable as well.