Software without (so many) tears:

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mark.stringer_at_gmail.com
Software without (so many) tears How to have
difficult conversations about software
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Just Imagine...
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Difficult conversations are expensive (in money,
lives).
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Avoiding difficult conversations, not having the
skills to have difficult conversations can be
even more expensive.
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Getting to Yes

• What is your BATNA? Best Alternative to a
  Negotiated Agreement?
• Improve your BATNA
• Side to side rather than face to face
• Make the pie bigger.
• Concentrate on interests rather than positions
• 20 Million copies sold

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Difficult Conversations
Identity
Facts
Feelings
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Move from Message Delivery to Information
Discovery
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It isn't the way you say it it's WHAT you say!
You can sugar-coat a hand grenade but that makes
things hardly any better at all
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Difficult Conversations
Identity
Facts
Feelings
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We often get stuck in what appears to be a
factual conversation the What happened or What
should happen - What went wrong? Whos to
blame?
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The Facts conversation is an easier place to
hide than being forced to investigate feelings
and identity.
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Assumption We have perfect access to the motives
of the people we are talking to
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Assumption our motives are pure we give
ourselves the benefit of the doubt
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Blame results in justification and counter
accusation. Suddenly the problem becomes how to
justify yourself and avoid blame, the real
problems become obscured.
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Blame versus Contribution how did each party
contribute to this situation?
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The and stance. Try to understand how both
sides contributed to the problem
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Facts Exercise

• Think of a discussion in your experience that
  appeared to be about facts, but wasnt. What was
  it really about?

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Difficult Conversations
Identity
Facts
Feelings
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Identity Issues

• Appreciation everybody, but everybody wants to
  feel appreciated (this includes your boss, your
  client).
• Affiliation we form gangs and cliques and teams
  automatically what team are they on? Can they
  be on yours?

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Identity Issues

• Autonomy nobody likes being told what to do.
  Danger of learned helplessness.
• Status (vs Territory) all conversations are
  status conversations. Threats to status or
  territory can result in violent responses!
• Role - what do you see yourself as? What dont
  you see yourself as? Its not my job to

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What are the identity issues of the people you're
talking to? What are your identity issues? The
better you understand both, the better the
conversation will go.
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How can you complexify your identity using the
and stance?Example Im a clever hard working
Java programmer, AND there are a lot of things I
dont know AND I dont always get everything
right.
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Identity Exercise

• Make a list of 5 people who you really admire
• Make a list of 5 people who you really don't
  admire write down one word of explanation for
  each

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Difficult Conversations
Identity
Facts
Feelings
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Assumption We have direct control over our
feelings
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Assumption We dont talk about feelings when we
talk about business
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Feelings - The Science Bit

• You're scared or angry before you even know why
  (it's possible you could never know why).
• Amygdala -gt Cortex lots of connections
• Cortex -gt Amygdala few connections
• You can't tell yourself (or anybody else to calm
  down).

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Feelings are triggered by past experiences and
identity issues.
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If you have a more complex understanding of what
you hold important about your identity (and you
who actually are), this can give you better
control over your feelings.
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Feelings - The Science Bit (continued)

• When you're scared/angry, you're thinking like a
  lizard
• Scared people dont learn
• Only real way to get over a fear is to put
  yourself in the scary/angering situation over and
  over again.
• You might be able to affect yourself indirectly
  using the autonomic system (body language/voice
  tone). Relaxation techniques, connecting with
  your breath aren't necessarily new age hooey.

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If you don't have your feelings, they will have
you

• People aren't that good at detecting lies about
  matters of fact
• People are very good at detecting lies about
  emotional state
• If you don't talk about what you're talking about
  you'll get nowhere or somewhere worse!

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If you don't have your feelings, they will have
you

• Back-handed comments and sarcasm are disastrous -
  dont do it.
• Expecting people to be sensitive/psychic is
  your problem.
• Unexpressed feelings make it nearly impossible to
  listen.
• Unexpressed feelings attack identity.

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Show them and let them hear that you're
listening

• Don't paraphrase
• Parrot phrase
• Use their exact words
• Doesn't matter so much that you share their
  feelings, so long as you know show them that you
  know what they are.
• Use William Goldman's technique, write it all down

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Feelings hide attributions (of mental illness?),
characterisations (hes just a bastard) and
problem solving (the real problem is that we have
no detailed plan) are all ways to hide feelings.
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The Bad News

• No Quick Fix to dealing with difficult
  conversations, exhortation won't do it.
• Can only learn how not to be angry/scared by
  being in the situations that anger/scare you and
  responding to them differently.
• Muscle memory

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• Do you guys understand that when they jump you
  in an alley, it's too late to train?
• David Allen, author, Getting Things Done

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The Good News Things can dramatically improve
with practice and preparation. Practice can be
done in a safe environment where nobody gets
hurt.
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Fight in a box

• Why does nobody talk about board games and card
  games when they talk about how dangerous video
  games are?
• Developed a card game that brings out all the
  issues in difficult conversations around
  software.
• Developed exercises that explore identity issues
  and understanding.
• Use this as part of a one-day training course -
  Dealing with Difficult Conversations in Software

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Timing Commodity Money Identity Software Suppliers
Hierarchy
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Call Me

• Mark Stringer
• 07736 807 604
• mark_at_agilelab.co.uk

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Just one more thing ma'm

• Which difficult conversations are you avoiding?
• How would you prepare yourself so you could have
  those difficult conversations?
• How would you move from message delivery to
  information discovery?
• How would this change your work? Your life?

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(No Transcript)
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Call Me

• Mark Stringer
• 07736 807 604
• mark.stringer_at_gmail.com