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1
Revising Sentences for Clarity

• Short Sentences
• General Language
• Specialized Language
• Noun Strings
• Prepositional Phrases
• Punctuation Flaws

2
Short Sentences

• How old is the writer of the following passage?
• I watched your show called Discovery. It was
  about spiders. Dont kill the spiders. I know you
  have to catch them for medicine. But only catch
  some spiders. I just dont think its fair. Also,
  you have to be very, very careful around
  tarantulas and black widows. Another reason why
  is because if you hurt them theyll hurt you. I
  like spiders. But to tell you the truth, not very
  much.

3
Short Sentences

• Market conditions are very unstable. Business
  reacts quickly to the price of pulp and paper.
  Capital spending by pulp and paper mills is known
  to be cut off immediately that pulp prices drop.
  Engineering projects can be stopped with little
  notice. The technology is relatively stable.
  (Average sentence length 9 words.)

4
Short Sentences

• Market conditions are very unstable as indicated
  by how quickly business reacts to the price of
  pulp and paper. Because mills sometimes cut off
  capital spending immediately when pulp prices
  drop, engineering projects can be stopped with
  little notice. The technology is relatively
  stable, however. (Average sentence length 15
  words.)

5
Short Sentences

• Leadership in an individual is the degree to
  which several qualities are exhibited. These
  qualities include innovation, organization and
  motivation. Our managers and associates exhibit
  varying degrees of leadership but commonly are
  high in innovation.

6
Short Sentences

• Individuals exhibit leadership through such
  qualities as innovation, organization, and
  motivation are exhibited. Our managers and
  associates exhibit varying degrees of leadership
  but commonly are high in innovation.

7
General Language

• Approximately 60 of our work is of a repeat
  nature with only minor variations. This repeat
  work is specifically of the inspection and
  quality control type and does not require higher
  education.

8
General Language

• Approximately 60 of our work involves
  repetitious inspection and quality control that
  does not require higher education.

9
General Language
General Word Example Sentence
Aspect One aspect of the theory is correct.
Basically Basically, the results were accurate.
Big/Little There is a big difference between our results.
Clear/Unclear The reason for the error is clear.
Good/Bad The accuracy of the measurements was quite good.
Important This is an important result.
Interesting This is an interesting idea.
Kind of/Sort of The results are kind of confusing.
Large/Small The results show a small deviation from theory.
More or less The experiment went more or less as expected.
Number of /Lots of There are a number of problems with this approach.
10
General Language (contd)
General Word Example Sentence
Partly My results were partly right.
Perfectly The results are perfectly consistent with the theory.
Situation The situation was unexpected.
Somewhat I think the theory is somewhat misleading.
Thing I learned two things in this experiment.
This This was an inaccurate result.
To a certain extent To a certain extent, I was surprised by the results.
To some degree To some degree, the equipment malfunctioned.
Type This type of experiment is interesting.
Very much/Very little Very much was learned from this experiment.
Way The way the values were obtained is incorrect.
11
Example of Gobbledegook

• In effect, it was hypothesized that certain
  physical data categories including housing types
  and densities, land use characteristics, and
  ecological location, constitute a scaleable
  content area. This could be called a continuum of
  residential desirabilities. Likewise, it was
  hypothesized that several social strata
  categories, describing the same census tracts,
  and referring generally to the social
  stratification system of the city, would also be
  scaleable. This scale could be called a continuum
  of socioeconomic status. It was also hypothesized
  that there would be a high positive correlation
  between the scale type of each continuum.

12
Gobbledegook Translated

• Wealthy people live in nice homes in desirable
  neighborhoods while poor people live in
  substandard housing in run-down neighborhoods.

13
Example of Doublespeak

• To service the target, the theater was entered
  and a package of ordnance was delivered.
  Subsequently, a BDA was undertaken in order to
  assess the softening of enemy assets. It was
  observed that the ordnance was incontinent
  thereby leading to some collateral damage.

14
Doublespeak Translated

• We dropped bombs on the enemy and then later
  looked to see if we killed them, but we missed
  and blew up civilians instead.

15
Suggestions for Using Acronyms

• Introduce acronyms, providing the words they
  replace the first time you use them.
• Do not define common acronyms such as IBM or DOS
• Limit your use of acronyms, restricting the
  number in individual sentences.
• Repeat the words acronyms replace periodically
  and use few if any acronyms in introductions,
  conclusions, abstracts, and executive summaries.
• Provide a glossary if your report has many
  acronyms.

16
Acronyms

• This letter provides a summary of the results of
  dispersion modeling of ETBM emissions from the
  site, and a description of the approaches taken
  to estimate the ETBM emissions, to conduct the
  dispersion modeling and to prepare the contour
  plots of ambient ethyl tertiary butyl methylene
  (ETBM) concentrations

17
Acronyms

• This letter summarizes the results of dispersion
  modeling the ethyl tertiary butyl methelyne
  (ETBM) emissions from the site and describes the
  approaches for estimating ETBM emissions,
  conducting dispersion modeling, and preparing
  contour plots of ambient ETBM concentrations.

18
Acronyms

• Any requirements agreed upon by DOD and FAA after
  the baseline of the SS and IRDs are placed into
  concept papers called ORDDs.

19
Acronyms

• Any requirements agreed upon by DOD and FAA after
  the baseline of the Segment Specifications and
  Interface Requirement Documents are placed into
  concept papers called ORDDs ????.

20
Noun Strings

• The parent company is a worldwide data network
  provider service company.

21
Noun Strings

• The parent company is a service company that
  provides data networks worldwide.
• Or?
• The parent company provides and services
  worldwide data networks

22
Noun Strings

• The wind pattern was further illustrated
  following a recovery boiler electrostatic
  precipitator fire at the site in 1988.

23
Noun Strings

• The wind pattern was further illustrated
  following a fire in the electrostatic
  precipitator of a recovery boiler at the site in
  1988.

24
Noun Strings

• The dispersion model calculated twenty-four hour
  averaged concentrations assume continuous
  operations over that twenty-four hour period.

25
Noun Strings

• The averaged twenty-four hour concentrations
  calculated using the dispersion model assume
  continuous operations over that twenty-four hour
  period.

26
Noun Strings

• Because the predicted ambient total suspended
  particulate concentrations met Department of
  Environment, Lands and Parks' Level B ambient air
  quality objectives, a further evaluation was not
  required.

27
Noun Strings

• Because the predicted total concentrations of
  ambient suspended particulates met the level B
  ambient air quality objectives mandated by the
  Department of Environment, Lands and Parks, a
  further evaluation was not required.

28
Noun Strings

• Team members must understand that behavior
  oriented activities are just as important as task
  oriented activities.

29
Noun Strings

• Team members must understand that
  behavior-oriented activities are just as
  important as task-oriented activities.

30
Noun Strings

• Hence, a method must be devised to alleviate the
  slow response performance problem.

31
Noun Strings

• Hence, a method must be devised to speed up the
  response.

32
Prepositional Phrases

• More detailed analysis, using Cepstrum technique,
  is applied based on computation of the power
  spectrum of the logarithm of the power spectrum
  of the vibration data obtained from the
  accelerometer on the truck frame in different
  positions.

33
Prepositional Phrases

• A more detailed analysis uses Cepstrum technique
  to compute the power spectrum as a logarithm of
  the various vibration spectra measured by the
  accelerometer at different positions on the
  truck's frame.

34
Prepositional Phrases

• Another component needed for the completion of
  the project is the reassignment of project team
  members to the next project and the rewarding of
  team members for their role in the project.

35
Prepositional Phrases

• Another component needed to complete the project
  involves reassigning project team members to the
  next project and rewarding them for their role in
  the project.

36
Prepositional Phrases

• One example of the effects of such a lack of
  effective strategies, project orientation, and
  interdepartmental cooperation is our low morale.

37
Prepositional Phrases

• For example, because we lack effective
  strategies, project orientation, and
  interdepartmental cooperation, our morale is low.

38
Prepositional Phrases

• The emission requests cannot be accommodated at
  this time because the emission inventory is
  neither sufficiently advanced nor intended to
  allow for temporal variation or for
  identification of a rationale for each occurrence
  of a high emission rate and/or ambient
  concentrations.

39
Prepositional Phrases

• At this time, the emission requests cannot be
  accommodated because the emission inventory is
  not sufficiently advanced and does not allow for
  temporal variations. Moreover, the inventory
  does not permit identifying the cause of each
  high emission rate and/or ambient concentration.

40
Punctuation

• A precision full-wave rectifier is constructed
  using precision diodes and a square-wave
  generator is assembled using a schmitt trigger.

41
Punctuation

• A precision full-wave rectifier is constructed
  using precision diodes, and a square-wave
  generator is assembled using a schmitt trigger.

42
Punctuation

• By participating more in scheduling release dates
  can be planned so that projects dovetail.

43
Punctuation

• By participating more in scheduling, release
  dates can be planned so that projects dovetail.