A%20Semi-Factual%20Tour%20of%20London.

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A Semi-Factual Tour of London.
Great Wall not in London
To London
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Great Britain
London
Other destinations
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Downtown London
St. Pauls Cathedral
Tower of London
Piccadilly Circus
Trafalgar Square
Tower Bridge
Big Ben
Buckingham Palace
Westminster Abbey
Back
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Buckingham Palace
Built in 1703, it was bought by George III and
became the official residence of the king and
queen of England.
Guards are always stationed around the palace.
They are replaced every day at 1130am with an
elaborate ceremony.
Some sort of fountain-type doodad.
London
Queen Elizabeth poses with a guard.
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Piccadilly Circus
The hub of the city. Five major streets
intersect here. Not actually a circus.
A statue of Eros (pagan god of love) stands atop
a fountain, watching over the neon signs of
products from foreign competitors.
Funny name. Where did it come from?
The only authentic English product in this photo.
London
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Piccadilly Circus
Picadils were made and sold here. A picadil is a
frilly collar worn in the 17th Century by teenage
boys. It has fallen out of style in recent
years, but is poised for a return.
The word circus probably refers to the crowds and
activity that occurs here due to its central
location. Or the dancing monkeys.
Piccadilly Circus
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Westminster Abbey
Built between the 13th and 16th Centuries,
Westminster Abbey is known for its gothic
architecture and dead people.
London
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Westminster Abbey
Those buried here
Those not buried here
William Shakespeare Sir Winston Churchill Henry
VII Elizabeth II John Lennon John Wayne Mick
Jagger Hugh Grant Mr. Bean
A bunch of kings and queens Robert
Browning Geoffrey Chaucer Charles Darwin Charles
Dickens Rudyard Kipling Isaac Newton Alfred Lord
Tennyson
Return to Westminster Abbey
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Big Ben
One of the most famous landmarks of London, the
House of Parliament (not Big Ben) is where
Englands laws are created.
Clock Tower
House of Parliament
On the north (right) side of the building is the
clock tower (not Big Ben). The minute hand is 14
feet long.
Thames River
So what is Big Ben?
London
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Big Ben
Big Ben is actually the bell inside the clock
tower.
Quick Facts Weight 13 tons Diameter 9
ft. Height 7 ft. 6 in. First rang (is it rang
or rung?) 1859, (two months later, the bottom
cracked) Named after Sir Benjamin Hall (who
had approximately the same characteristics,
including a cracked bottom).
Return to Big Ben
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St. Pauls Cathedral
This Protestant church rises an unbelievable 366
ft. making it one of the most medium sized
buildings in the world.
Why was St. Pauls Cathedral built five times?
London
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St. Pauls Cathedral

• 604 - Built with straw.
• 675 - Destroyed by fire.
• 675 to 685 - Rebuilt with wood.
• - Set on fire by Vikings.
• 963 to 970 - Rebuilt with gasoline-soaked rags.
• 1087 - Destroyed by fire.
• 1100 to 1240 - Rebuilt with stone.
• 1240 to Present - Still standing (except in
  1666 when it was destroyed by fire and rebuilt
  between 1675 and 1708)

Return to St. Pauls Cathedral
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Tower Bridge
Weather conditions on March 21
Built in 1894. The drawbridge in the center can
open, allow a boat through, and close in 5
minutes. That sounds fast, but its probably not.
I dont know.
More Info
In 1912, Frank McClean flew his biplane through
the center of the bridge to avoid an accident.
The circumstances are backed up by statements
made by McClean before the incident in which he
said, Im going to fly my biplane through the
center of the bridge to avoid an accident
London
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Tower Bridge
Weather conditions from March 22 to March 20
Pedestrian walkways used while the drawbridge is
up. Today, it collects pigeon waste. Lazy Brits
prefer to wait 5 minutes for the bridge to go
down, instead of using the walkway and crossing
in a mere 18 minutes.
Possibly the Loch Ness monster.
Return to Tower Bridge
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Frank McClean
Frank escaped to America where he stayed hidden
until July 5, 1976 when he drove his Ford Pinto
into the front of a McDonalds to avoid an
accident. He now lives in Tacoma under the name
Benjamin Hall.
Return to Tower Bridge
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Trafalgar Square
Nelson Column
Statues
Flying Rats
London
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Trafalgar Square
The statues in Trafalgar Square are dedicated to
the native wildlife of England. They include
lions, dolphins, mermaids, and old white men.
Return to Trafalgar Square
Though they appear to be ill, the dolphin and the
mermaid child are in fact statues. The substance
spewing from their mouths is water and not
stomach contents, since statues have no stomachs.
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Trafalgar Square
Nelsons Column is 185 ft. high and often
obscures words written on this page. It was
constructed in 1829 to commemorate Admiral
Horatio Nelsons win over Napoleon in the Battle
of Trafalgar in 1805. The marble statue of
Nelson located at the top of the column is 18
foot tall, although the real admiral was actually
only half that size and made out of silly putty.
Return to Trafalgar Square
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You can see evil in their eyes
Hint When they begin to swarm, cover your eyes.
They peck.
Return to Trafalgar Square
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Tower of London
Features of the Tower
Attacking the Tower
London
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Built in 1090, the Tower of London was a castle,
fortress, and prison. Abandoned in 1559, it is
now a museum to the magnificence and cruelty of
the English Royalty.
The Block
Moat
White Tower
Beefeaters
Bloody Tower
Ravens
Traitors Gate
Return to Tower of London
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The Moat
The moat had two purposes protection and
sanitation. It kept invaders from reaching the
castle and provided a place to dump human waste.
It was supposed to drain into the Thames river,
but it didnt. The resulting stench was one
reason for the abandonment of the tower.
When the moat was finally drained in 1830,
thousands of human bones were found along with
what appeared to be a tennis court. Today, the
moat must be mowed four times a week.
Standing on 500 years of human waste
Return to Features
Ancient tennis court
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Traitors Gate
This gate was the major entrance for prisoners of
the English Royalty. Many never left the Tower.
Also known as Americas Gate.
George welcomes fellow Americans to the Tower.
Return to Features
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Bloody Tower
The Garden Tower was renamed the Bloody Tower in
the 16th Century due to the deeds committed there.
13-year-old Edward V and his 10-year-old brother
were killed by their uncle Richard III, who took
over the throne.
Sir Walter Raleigh was imprisoned for 10 years
here.
Archbishop Cranmer, Bishop Ridley, and Bishop
Latimer were imprisoned here before being burned
at the stake.
Thomas Overbury was poisoned while being held in
the Bloody Tower.
Nick Nolte spent 2 days here for drunk driving.
Return to Features
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The Chopping Block
On this paved area, a stage was build to perform
beheadings. These executions were performed
secretly in the tower to avoid riots on the
streets.
Immediately following the executions, the victims
heads were quickly turned so the victim could see
the headless body.
Return to Features
Those beheaded here Anne Boleyn - wife of
Henry VII - infidelity Catherine Howard -
wife of Henry VII - had a daughter instead of a
son Jane Grey - wife of Henry VII - ? Robert
Devereux - boyfriend of Elizabeth I (Henry
VIIs daughter)
Henry VII
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Henry VII
Hi. My names Henry. Im a capricorn. I like
swimming in the moat and playing tennis. My
favorite afternoon activity is beheading people.
I killed two of my wives because they had the
nerve to give birth to daughters. The Pope
refused to acknowledge my divorces, so I had my
wives killed. Then I found an easier way I
changed the national religion to the Church of
England and made myself the supreme head of the
church. Now I can marry and divorce as much as I
want.
My best friend is Thomas More, but he would not
acknowledge my divorce, so I had him killed. I
didnt like my daughters boyfriend, so I had him
killed. Then for good measure, I had both of my
daughters thrown in prison.
If you think Henry is a great catch call 555-4355
Back to the Chopping Block
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White Tower
Located in the center of the Tower of London, the
White Tower was the entire seat of government
during the Middle Ages. The royal family lived
on the top floor. The council chambers were on
the lower floor.
Great leaders such as Henry VII and Richard III
spent much of the day in their office signing
execution orders and illegally downloading music.
90 feet high
15 feet thick
One entrance
High tech beheading device?
Return to Features
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Beefeaters
Officially called the Yeoman Warders, the
beefeaters were established in 1485 as King Henry
VIIIs bodyguards. Henry VIII had a few enemies
due to all the beheadings. After the royalty
moved out of the Tower, these elite fighters and
protectors were converted to elite tour guides.
So, why are they called beefeaters? It was an
insulting term given to the Yeomans by the common
people. The pampered guards ate roast beef,
while everybody else ate mutton, which is
apparently bad.
May or may not be Sylvester Stallone
Return to Features
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Ravens
There have always been ravens in the Tower of
London. The ravens are a good luck charm.
Legend says that if the ravens ever leave, the
English Empire will collapse. So the good
spirited people of London clipped the birds wings.
Possibly due to the wing clipping, the ravens
have grown bitter and vengeful. They will peck
your eyes out.
Bitter and vengeful
Look of Fear
Return to Features
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Attacking the Tower
Your band of soldiers is starting an attack on
the Tower. This is the route you will take.
First, you must cross the moat and pass through
the first tunnel. The 90 left turn creates
difficulty with a battering ram (which you need
to pass through the thick doors). On top of the
first tunnel are archers and guys with sticks.
Next Step
Finish
Start
To get past the first tunnel, you must subdue the
senior citizen in the ticket booth.
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Attacking the Tower
Cross the draw bridge (if it is down) while
archers shoot at you. Then, enter the second
tunnel. The second gate has a door and 2 falling
gates (with sharpened spikes). Holes in the roof
of the tunnel allow the guards to dump scalding
oil on you.
Next Step
Finish
Slots for archers
Start
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Attacking the Tower
Make your way down the inner walkway. Dodge the
arrows and tourists.
Next Step
Finish
Archer stations
Start
Tourist
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Attacking the Tower
Take a left turn to enter the tunnel under the
Bloody Tower. Two thick doors block your way.
The doors open outward so they become blocked by
the bodies of your fellow soldiers.
Next Step
Finish
Start
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Attacking the Tower
You have reached the White Tower. Since the
first floor is 15 feet high, you must go all the
way around the building to reach the only
entrance. A wooden set of stairs leads to the
door, but the stairs have been destroyed by the
beefeaters to protect the king and queen.
Next Step
Finish
Start
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Attacking the Tower
As you attempt to scale the wall to reach the
door, the royal guards poor boiling oil on you,
burning most of your body. You and your fellow
soldiers are captured, beheaded, and thrown into
the moat.
Try Again
Finish
Start
Return to Tower of London
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Paris, France
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Cawker City, Kansas
Largest Ball of Twine
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Amarillo, Texas
Cadillac Ranch
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Zillah, Washington
Teapot Gas Station
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Hope, Arkansas
Watermelon Tower
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Back to England Map
Austin, Minnesota
Hormel Spam Museum