Love and Romantic Relationships

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Love and Romantic Relationships
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What Is Love?
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Three Component of Love

• Intimacy
• Passion
• Commitment

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Intimacy

• Feeling of closeness
• Connectedness
• Bondedness

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Intimacy

• Wanting happiness for other person
• Give and receive emotional support

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Passion

• Feeling that gives rise to romance
• Physical attraction
• Sexual Feeling
• Not in all relationships Found in lovers

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Commitment

• Decision to love a person (short term)
• Commitment to the person, maintaining the
  relationship (long term)

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Passionate Love

• A state of intense longing for the union with
  another

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Passionate Love

• Sexual arousal
• Pounding heart
• Sweaty palms
• Strong sexual desire

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Lust what We Know About Human Sexual Desire

• Regan Berscheid (1999)
• Asked College students
• Who do they love
• Who are they in love with
• Who are they sexually attracted to

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Love list had a 2 overlap with sexual attracted
list In love list had a 85 overlap with
sexually attracive list
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Would you marry a Person you were not in love
with ?

• Regan Berschid asked if you would marry some
  one who had all the qualities you desired but
  were not in love with
• 14 of men said yes
• 20 of women said yes

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Companionate Love

• The affection and tenderness we feel for those
  with who our lives are intertwined with.

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Would include

• Mutual trust
• Caring
• Friendship
• Respect

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Lasting Love

• Sprecher and Regan gave couples scales to measure
  their companionate love and passionate love.
• They found passionate love initially rose but
  after it peaked it declined as time went on.
• Companionate love did not decline

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How do I love thee

• Styles of love
• Love at first sight
• Slow to warm up

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Three Styles of Love

• Eros
• Storge
• Ludus

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Eros The god of love

• Erotic style of love
• Powerful physical attraction
• Tall, dark, and handsome
• Strong at first then lessens over time

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Eros style of love

• My lover and I have the right physical chemistry
• Our love making is intense and satisfying
• We were made for each other

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Storge love of sibling/ playmate

• Love style develops when people have the same
  interests
• Love develops over time
• Starts out as friends and build to love

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Storge Style

• The best kind of love grows out of a long
  friendship
• Love is really a deep friendship not a mystical
  emotion
• Genuine love requires caring

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Ludus The game

• Players
• Bounce from lover to lover
• Number of relationships
• Experience less satisfaction then other styles

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Ludus Style

• I enjoy playing the game of love with different
  people
• I try to keep my lover a little uncertain of my
  commitment to him or her
• I sometimes have to keep my lovers from finding
  out about one another

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Secondary Stages Of Love

• Mania
• Pragma
• Agape

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Mania

• The combination of eros and ludus
• Known as troubled love
• Jealousy dependence
• Need reassurance in love
• Love the idea of being in love

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Mania

• When my lover does not pay enough attention to me
  I feel sick
• When I am in love I have trouble concentrating
• Sometimes I get so excited about being in love I
  cant sleep.

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Pragma

• Combination of ludus and storge
• Greek for pragmatic
• Compatibility is the goal
• The greater the compatibility the greater the
  love

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Pragma

• One consideration in choosing a partner is how
  they will reflect on my career
• I plan my life carefully when choosing a lover
• How compatible is his/her background with mine
  for future children

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Agape

• Blend of eros and storge
• Altruistic love
• Give love with nothing in return
• Purest form of love

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Agape

• I would rather see something bad happen to me
  then to have my lover unhappy
• I am willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my
  partner achieve his/hers
• I would endure all things for the sake of my
  partner

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Gender differences In love styles

• Men seem to see love in terms of eros or ludus
• Women have a more pragmatic out look on love
• Why?

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Goal of Romantic Relationships

• Sexual satisfaction
• Establish family bonds
• Gain resources and status
• Same as friendship
• reassurance and information

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Why is Sex Important

• Sex differentiates passionate romantic love from
  other forms of love
• Provides mutual pleasure and enjoyment
• Is looked at differently by men and women

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Sexual Satisfaction Sexual Desire

• Men view on sex is different then women
• Think about it more
• More visually stimulated
• Prefer more frequent sex
• Masturbate earlier and more frequently

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Sexual Relationship

• Women see commitment as a context for sex
• More interested in intimacy
• Less interested in casual sex
• Sexual fantasies involve partner

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Hormones

• Hormones that play a key role in sex
• Oxytocin
• Testostrone

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Oxytocin

• Hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the
  brain
• Released more in women
• After labor
• After stimulation of the nipples
• After orgasm
• Can be released in both sexes after orgasm
• Leads to more attachment and longer relationships

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Testosterone

• Produced more by males
• Correlation between sexual desire and
  testosterone production/levels
• Males with malfunctioning testes will have less
  sexual fantasies
• Women injected with testosterone will have and
  increase in sexual fantasies

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Socio-sexual Orientation

• The tendency to prefer unrestricted sex or
  restricted sex
• Restricted sex- only in the context of loving,
  long term, committed relationship
• Unrestricted without love

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Socio-sexual Orientations Scale

• Simpson Gangestand developed a scale to
  measure socio-sexual orientation
• How often do you fantasize about having sex with
  someone other then your partner?
• Sex is ok without love
• I need a close attachment with some one before I
  can have sex with them.

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Unrestricted/Restricted

• Unrestricted orientation
• More partners in the past
• Have sex earlier in relationship
• Intend to have more partners in the future
• Have more then one partner at the same time
• More likely to have one night stands
• Feel less commitment to current partner

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• Males tend to be more unrestricted and females
  more restricted.
• The traits an unrestricted person look for are
  socially visible, attractive.
• The traits a restricted person looks for are good
  parenting skills, responsibility, faithfulness
• Both types want sex just as much!

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• Testosterone injected into men with defective
  testes
• Testosterone levels measured in women after
  reporting number of sexual fantasies
• Testosterone levels affect both sexual
  dysfunction in men and women

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• Triangular theory of love
• Types of love
• Styles of love
• Gender differences

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Human Sexuality How men and women differ

• Peplau
• Looks at gender differences in
• Desire
• Relationships
• Aggression
• Plasticity

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Sexual Desire

• Sexual desire the subjective experience of
  being interested in sexual objects or activates
  or wishing to engage in sexual activities.

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Sexual Desire in Men

• More interested in sex
• Rate their own sex drive higher then females
• Think about sex more often
• Want sex more them women
• Visit prostitutes more often
• More visually stimulated
• Spend more money on x rated videos and magazines

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Sexual Frequency in Couples

• Heterosexualcompromise between the desire of
  male and female partners
• Homosexuallesbian couples have sex less often
  than gay men or heterosexual couples
• Women more likely to refrain from sex due to
  religious reasons.

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Sexual Relationships

• Womens sexuality tends to be strongly linked to
  close relationships.
• Women have more romantic view of sexual
  relationships
• Intimacy is the important goal.

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Sexual Relationships in Homosexuals

• Lesbiansmore likely to form relationships from
  preexisting friendships, sexual fantasies are
  more personal and romantic
• Gay menmore likely to have sex with partners
  outside their relationship, have sexual fantasies
  much like heterosexual males.

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Sexual Aggression

• Sexual concept includes romantic, passionate
• Men sexual selfconcept also includes aggression
• Extent to which they see them selves as
• Aggressive
• Powerful
• Experienced
• Dominant
• Individualistic

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• Men are more assertive than women
• Initiate touching
• Sexual intimacy
• Sexual fantasiesmen are more likely to imagine
  doing something sexual, take more active role

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Rape

• Woman use many different ways to get a man to
  have sex with her but typically not force or
  violence
• Physically coercion is more typical of male
  behavior
• Stranger date rape
• Also seen in heterosexual relationships

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Sexual Plasticity

• Womens sexual beliefs and behaviors are more
  easily shaped by cultural social and situational
  factors.
• Changes in sexuality
• Changes in behavior due to socialization

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Changes in Sexuality

• Most likely to see variability in sexual
  frequency in women
• Women are more likely to change their sexual
  orientation
• 25 of 18 -25 year old women who identified as
  bisexual or lesbian changed their identity five
  years later.

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Changes Due to Socialization

• Women more likely to change behaviors due to
  situational influences
• Education going to college more liberal
  attitudes
• Relocation move to new culture less sexual

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Gender difference In Sex

• Students at Arizona State University were asked
  what was the lowest level of intelligence that
  you would accept in
• Single date
• Sexual partner
• Date steady
• Marry

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Women
Men
Intelligence
And the differences are even more pronounced for
one-night stands
DATE
SEX
STEADY
MARRIAGE
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Experiment by Clark and Hatfield

• College students were approached by member of
  opposite sex and asked one of three questions
• I have seen you around campus and think you are
  very attractive, will you
• Go out on a date with me tonight
• Come to my apartment
• Go to bed with me
• What do you think they Found?

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Women
100
Men
80
60
Saying Yes
40
20
0
Go out
Go to apartment
Go to bed
(Clark Hatfield, 1989)
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Why the Differences

• Sexual encounters with strangers do not fulfill
  women's goals for sexual relationship. Need for
  love and intimacy in order to have good sex.
• Not just fear of pregnancy
• Birth control
• In lesbians where no fear of pregnancy,
• lesbians prefer and lead less active sex lives
  then heterosexual women

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Evolutionary Theory

• Differences in cost
• Given that pregnancy results, what is the minimum
  investment of copulation for
• Minimum female investment
• 9 months of pregnancy, 30 lbs of nutrients, 3-4
  years of nursing
• Minimum male investment
• 5 minutes of copulation 1 sperm, one ten
  trillionth of an ounce
• Females make more judicious mate choices
• Males less discriminate about who they mate with

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Attraction

• What makes someone attractive?

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Who is More Attractive?
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Attractiveness

• Tall/ short
• Thin/ fat
• Hairy/ smooth
• Eye color
• Hair color

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Universal Attractiveness

• Hygiene and cleanliness
• Waist to hip ratio
• Symmetrical face
• Faces that exaggerate gender characteristics

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Weight to Hip Ratio (WHR)

• Calculated by dividing waist measurement by hip
  measurement
• Women with a 0.7 WHR are often rated as more
  attractive by men regardless of culture, race,
  religion or ethnicity.
• Examples Twiggy, Kate Moss, Salma Hayek
  Marilyn Monroe

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Preference in Men

• Asked to rank the attractiveness of 12 line
  drawings of average height females figures
• Different levels of WHR (.7, .8, .9)
• Three levels of body weight (underweight- 90lbs,
  normal weight- 120 lbs, and overweight- 150 lbs).

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• A WHR of 0.7 for women and 0.9 for men have been
  shown to correlate strongly with general health
  and fertility
• Women within the 0.7 range
• Optimal levels of estrogen
• Less susceptible to major diseases such as
  diabetes, cardiovascular disorders and ovarian
  cancers.
• Men with WHR around 0.9
• More healthy and fertile
• Less prostate and testicular cancer

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Symmetry

• Symmetry of features seen as more attractive
• Symmetrymarker for good health
• Greater asymmetry was related to more
  self-reported depression, neuroses, infertility,
  more physical health problems
• Associated with greater masculinity and dominance
  
• More symmetrical men have shorter courtships
  before intercourse, they invest the least money
  and time in them and they cheat on their mates
  much more often

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Faces that Exaggerate Gender Characteristics

• Faces that exaggerate gender characteristics
  seen more attractive then average faces
• Males
• Big jaw, chin and large brow reflect androgen
• Females
• Smaller chin, nose, fuller lips reflect estrogen

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Beauty

• Who is it more important to?

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• More important to men then to women.
• Attractive women can raise a mans social status
  but does not work the other way around.
• Women more concerned with a mans social status.

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• Townsend and Levy (1990). Looked at the effects
  of status (measured by clothing), and
  attractiveness on female willingness to engage in
  a romantic relationship.
• Male targets were pre-rated for physical
  attractiveness
• 2 categories handsome and homely
• Wore one of three costumes
• Blazer, shirt designer tie, Rolexdescribed as
  being doctors (high status)
• Plain white shirtdescribed as being teachers
  (medium status)
• Uniform of a Burger King employeedescribed as
  being trainee (low status)
• Women were more willing to engage in
  relationships with high status/homely males than
  with medium or low status handsome males

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Halo Effect

• Cognitive bias in which the assessment of an
  individual quality serves to influence and bias
  the judgment of other qualities
• Attractive people are seen as having a more
  desirable personality and more skills than
  someone of average appearance

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Benefits of Attractiveness

• Attractive individuals more socially competent,
  have higher self esteem, are less shy and have
  better social skills
• Limitations to Attractiveness
• Super attractive make others feel inferior, not
  as influential as less attractive
• Super attractiveness may cause resentment
• Seen as intellectually inferior

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Goal of Romantic Relationships

• Sexual satisfaction
• Establish family bonds
• Gain resources and status
• Same as friendshipreassurance and information

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Establishing Bonds

• Passion fades, so why do we stay on long term
  relationships?
• Feeling of intimacy grows as passion fades

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• Long term commitment in lovers is different than
  in friends
• Friends can go on long trip and we easily adjust
  to their absence
• Separation from lovers is extremely emotional
• Losing spouse to divorce or death causes more
  emotional distress then any other life event
• Having a marriage partner protects against major
  illness like cancer

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Why Do We Form Attachments

• People need to belong
• Separation of lovers is similar to that shown by
  infants separated from their mothers
• Protest
• Crying active searching
• Despair
• Obvious sadness
• Emotional Detachment
• Coldness when reunited

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Attachment Styles

• Some easily form relationships
• Some demand to much
• Others avoid commitment by having casual affairs

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3 Types Of Attachment Style

• Secure attachment
• Anxious/ ambivalent attachment
• Avoidant attachment style

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Secure Attachment Style

• Easily expressed affection towards their mother,
  did not worry about being abandoned
• Mothers acted consistently warm and responsive

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Anxious/Ambivalent

• Visibly upset at any separation from their
  mother, preoccupied with possible abandonment
• Mothers acted inconsistently
• Sometimes ignoring children and some times
  intruding on activities

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Avoidant Attachment

• Disregarding their mother
• Refusing attention when their mother returned

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• Often translates into Adult Relationships

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• I find it easy to get close to others and feel
  comfortable having them depend on me. I dont
  worry about being abandoned

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• Secure Attachment

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• I am someone uncomfortable being close to others.
  I have had a hard time trusting. My Partner wants
  me to be more intimate then I feel comfortable
  with.

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• Avoidant Style

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• I am reluctant to get close as I would like. I
  worry about my partner not really loving me and
  leaving me. I want to merge completely with
  another person and that pushes people away.

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• Anxious/ Ambivalent Style

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Threats and Attachment

• Mothers provide a safe haven
• Situations in life can cause
• Fear
• Anxiety
• Insecurity

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Harlow Monkey Study

• Infant rhesus monkeys separated from mothers
• Given mom substitutes
• Monkeys frightened
• Ran to mother for comfort
• After comforted went back to explore

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• Infants develop a schema about feeling and
  beliefs
• Secure attachedpeople can be trusted, they can
  be a safe haven
• Insecure attachmentclose relationships provide
  acceptance but sometimes rejection, people are
  caring one minute and uncaring the next

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Adult Attachment

• Hazan and Shaver
• Adult theory of attachment
• Secure
• Anxious/ Ambivalent
• Avoidant

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Play/work

• In children play
• Secure explore, new toys
• Anxious/ Ambivalent too worried about caregiver
• Avoidant use play to avoid caregiver

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Play/work

• In adults work
• Secure enjoy work, no fear of failure
• Anxious/Ambivalent use as a way to again
  acceptance
• Avoidant use as a way to avoid social
  interaction, less satisfied with work

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Do Attachment Styles Change?

• Remain constant over time
• Attachment styles of 12 month old still the same
  at 6 years old
• Major disruptions can cause change
• SES/divorce
• Change in adults
• Anxious/Ambivalent Avoidant
• Anxious/Ambivalent Secure

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Goals of Romantic Relationships

• Sexual satisfaction
• Establish family bonds
• Gain and maintain resources

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• Women tend to prefer older men
• Men tend to prefer younger women
• What are they looking to gain?

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• Older men can potentially provide financial
  resources
• Younger women can potentially provide more
  offspring

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Differences in personal ads

• Men tend to advertise financial resources/ women
  request them
• Mature stockbroker looking to invest his time and
  bank account in young attractive women
• Young attractive college student looking for
  older man to spend time and money on her

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When Women Gain Resources and Status

• Women who have high status/resources
• more assertive
• look more for personality/attractiveness
• Personal ads
• Independent professional woman looking for a fun
  and attractive man to travel around the world
  with

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• Norm Li asked people to design a mate under two
  conditions
• High budget mate dollars
• Low budget mate dollars
• High budget low sex differences
• Low budget men and women made very different
  choices

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Marital Patterns and Resources

• Marital patterns include
• Monogamy
• Polyandry
• Polygamy

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• Monogamyone woman and one man
• Polygamyone man with more than one wife
• Polyandryone woman with more than one husband,
  usually brothers
• Why brothers?

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• Harsh conditions make it hard for single man and
  woman.
• Pool resources
• When couple has more girls then the marriage
  patterns become polygamist

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• Polygamy has to do with resources
• The more resources, the more wives
• A poor man might be able to spend more time with
  only wife
• Rich man can provide more resources

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When Love Goes Bad
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• Lose of a partner causes severe emotional
  distress
• What if that person was never your partner?
• What if you just wont let go of a relationship?

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• Erotomania is a disorder where a person is
  fixated and delusional in the belief that they
  are passionately loved by another person
• Usually a spiritual union rather then sexual
  desire

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• Mostly seen in women
• 246 cases 70 women
• Single
• Mid 30s
• Older high status males
• In men
• Late 20s
• Younger attractive women
• Harass till law intervenes

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• Erotomania most commonly seen in former lovers or
  marriage partners
• Incessant attempts to restore relationship
• Typically non violent

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Unrequited love

• 93 of people have experienced unrequited love.
• Bad for both parties involved
• Targets feel guilt, confusion and annoyance
• Would be loversdamage self esteem, feel led on

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Why So Hard to Let Go?

• Movies and books win in the end
• Target not always clear
• Self preservationwont admit to self
  unacceptable as a lover

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Jealousy

• Common problem in relationships
• Usually over same sex competitor
• Looked at differently by men and women

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• Imagine that you discover the person with whom
  you are in a relationship with has become
  interested in someone else. Which would cause you
  more distress?
• Your partner falling in love with someone else
• Your partner having sex with someone else

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• Men more distress in sexual infidelity
• Women more distress in emotional infidelity
• Why the difference?

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• Evolutionary theory
• Men dont want to raise children that are not
  their own
• Women lose resources if man falls in love with
  another women and leaves her

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Marriage Dissatisfaction

• ½ of marriages end in divorce
• More at risk
• Lower SES
• Younger when married
• Living together before marriage