How to Live with an Adolescent

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How to Live with an Adolescent

• Parenting Workshop 2
• League Academy of Communication Arts
• Merry L. Cox, Principal

2
The Roller-Coaster Years Raising Your Child
Through the Maddening Yet Magical Middle School
Years
by Charlene C. Giannetti, Margaret Sagarese
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Getting a View from the Ferris Wheel

• Imagine for a moment what life is like for
  children ages 10-15 today
• The biggest challenge in dealing with this age
  group is their roller-coaster emotions.
• (Middle School teacher from Washington)

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Adolescents today

• Yearn for independence, yet are still being
• told what to do
• Eager to voice opinions but have trouble forming
  coherent arguments
• Worry about their appearance just when nature is
  wreaking havoc on their bodies
• Worry about their school work just when it
  increases in workload and responsibilities
• Maintain a hectic schedule with school, sports,
  and extracurricular activities, when their bodies
  need more sleep

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Parents, Dont Be Fooled

• Do you feel your adolescent child
• Needs parents less than younger children?
• Needs to be left alone to become independent?
• Cares more about what their peers think than
  parents?
• Does not want you in their personal lives?

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Young Adolescents need Parents More not Less

• Parents, when your child says, Leave me
  alone, take another look
• What your child may be trying to say is,
• I want more privacy than you are giving me
  now. But dont go too far. I might need you
  later.

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Strategies Discover Your Past as Middlers

• Find a photo of yourself when you were this age
• Call your parents or siblings. Recall with them
  what it was like during this age.
• Play some music or songs popular when you were a
  Middler.
• Find your report card from this time period.

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Are You Spending Enough Time with Your Middler?

• According to a 1995 New York Times Poll
• 93 of 9-12 year olds consider being a part of a
  loving family more important than owning material
  things
• 88 credit family as their greatest source of
  self-esteem
• 72 wanted to talk more to their parents about
  schoolwork

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Middlers are Funny

• My son or daughter fun?
• Are we talking about the same kid?
• Middlers are really three children-
• The one who behaves as your child
• The one who shares with other adults things they
  wont share with you
• The one who hangs out with other kids

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Playing Mind-Reader

• Skillmasters
• Begin to build and exploit their own unique
  abilities coming into their own
• Look for opportunities to relish in their
  accomplishments
• This self-discovery may sometimes resemble
  arrogance, indifference and anger if they fall
  short of goals

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Playing Mind-Reader

• Great Thinkers
• Begin to develop sophisticated reasoning
• Looking for deeper meanings
• Applies new intellect into problem solving
• Still may need some help in formulating his
  arguments, making decisions

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Playing Mind-Reader

• Attention-Seekers
• Still need and want approval of parents and other
  adults
• Desperately seeking adult compliments, smiles,
  kind words, and respect
• Dont want parents to fix their hair and clothes
  in public

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Playing Mind-Reader

• Activists
• Resemble the freshman congresspeople who come
  into Washington in a storm following elections to
  change the world.

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Playing Mind-Reader

• Idealists
• Develop their own sense of values.
• Will catch adults saying one thing and doing
  another Gotcha!

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Playing Mind-Reader

• Social Workers
• Sympathetic and with guidance, begin to see and
  meet the needs of others
• Sweet and giving nature that comes out in
  unexpected ways

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Playing Mind-Reader

• Innocents
• Still look at the world in wide-eyed wonder
• Caught between childhood and adulthood
• Try to make sophisticated arguments often with
  incorrect facts or use words in the wrong context

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Playing Mind-Reader

• Comedians
• Begin to develop a sophisticated
• sense of humor
• Moves past bathroom humor to more sophisticated
  humor that reflects increased vocabulary
• Humor can backfire still trying to figure out
  the difference between satire and sarcasm
• Can be too blunt, though not intending to be rude

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Suggestions for living with a developing Middler

• Leave them in charge
• Encourage their enthusiasm
• Assist them in finding ways to help others
• Feed their intellectual growth
• Build a bridge from home to school
• Ease the transition from childhood to adulthood
• Teach correct social behavior

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Develop the Art of Adolescent Affection

• Find a moment each day to show your middle school
  child how much you love them.
• Write notes
• Leave voice mail
• Tell them when you see them
• Give hugs, especially after you have punished
  them

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House of Mirrors Am I Normal?

• When Middlers look in the mirror, they see
  distorted images
• Supersensitive about their bodies
• Increased weight 20-30 pounds-10 pounds a year
• All parts of the body dont grow at the same time
  or rate
• Feel as though they have been invaded by a body
  snatcher
• There is NO Normal!

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Haunted House

• Coping is a challenge for all of us
• Four traits of happy people
• Like themselves
• Sense of personal control over their lives
• Optimistic
• Extroverts
• Middlers are manic depressive en masse
• up one minute and down the next

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Haunted House

• Classic Worries of Middlers
• Social anxiety
• A parent dying
• Divorce
• School
• Bodily injury
• The future
• Gender woes
• Racial inequality

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Haunted House

• Warning signs
• Inability to sleep or too much sleep
• No interest in friends, school, activities
• Marked changes
• Risky behavior business
• Rebellion directed toward parents or teachers
• Death or suicide themes

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Haunted House

• What to do? Unconditional love.
• Help them like themselves more
• Nurture them towards positive self-determination
• Teach your Middler how to acquire control over
  life be a stress busting example
• Steer them towards rewarding relationships
• Turn your pessimist into an optimist

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Haunted House

• Help them manage worry
• 98 of worry is wasted
• 40 of worry time focuses on things that never
  happened
• 15 of fretting wasted on things that turn out
  better than they expected
• 35 lost on things that cant be changed
• 80 revolves around petty insignificant items

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Haunted House

• What can we do?
• Enlighten your worrywart
• Burst some worry balloons
• Help them determine whether the worry is within
  or beyond control
• Let worry be a call to action or otherwise turn
  it off

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Escape Artist

• Battle for Independence
• Issue is control-YOU have it THEY want it!
• Its not FAIR! Nobody listens to us!
• World is overrun with rules, regulations, and
  restrictions

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Escape Artist

• Incorporate the three Rs
• Reward, Recognize, and be Rational
• Reward good behavior
• Recognize which discipline efforts work most
  effectively
• Consistent-Punish each time
• Appropriate-Let the punishment fit the crime
• Results-Make it results oriented
• Each- They are individuals
• Swift- Dont put off the punishment until later
• Rational Time yourself out when you are losing
  it.

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Escape Artist

• Battle Zones
• Everyones doing it or going there
• The messy room
• Mouthing off
• Privacy
• School and schoolwork
• The look

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Escape Artist

• As you encounter the battle campaigns of the
  Middlers, make sure you dont win the short term
  battles and lose the war by forfeiting their
  affections.
• It is not easy being a parent.

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Three Ring Circus

• Why is your Middler
• Distracted, Disorganized, and Disinterested?
• Distraction Concentration on tasks for a length
  of time is difficult
• Research shows that between the ages of 12-14 a
  childs ability to learn slacks off when demands
  in classes may be increasing.

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Three Ring Circus

• What should I expect?
• A temporary lag in homework or disappointing
  grade here and there is to be expected during
  this time
• If you see dramatic changes in performance and it
  continues to slide then you may have a red flag
  indicating a problems

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Three Ring Circus

• Do you find your Middler to be Disorganized?
• Constantly forgets things
• Messy room
• Constantly loses things
• Underestimates the amount of time to complete a
  task
• Does homework but fails to turn it in
• Seems oblivious of time

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Three Ring Circus

• What can I do to help with Disorganization?
• Arrange a good place to work
• Use the Agenda
• Make lists
• Use visual and verbal reminders
• Use an oven timer
• Break up large tasks into smaller ones
• Back up written assignments if they are often
  lost
• Clean out the backpack weekly
• Set a good example
• Prepare the night before

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Three Ring Circus

• Disinterested Interests shift during this age
• Privacy becomes important
• They want and need time alone

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Three Ring Circus

• Master Middler-Speak
• Fine
• Nothing
• I dont know
• Stop-Look-Listen approach to communication

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Three Ring Circus

• Three Rules for 3-D Middlers
• Dont retreat
• Control your reactions
• Be an advocate

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Ringing the BellHelping your Middler succeed in
school

• A good parents involvement is always welcomed
  when it leads to a partnership among parent,
  child, and teacher.
• (Middle school teacher)

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Ringing the Bell

• Grades alone do not define a successful
  adolescent
• Brains grow at different rates
• Doing well in school may be eclipsed by
  popularity
• Discover the opposite sex
• Complicated times to grow up

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Ringing the Bell

• How can I help my Middler succeed in school?
• Stay informed
• Prepare your child for learning
• Maintain high expectations
• Nurture your learner
• Make learning a multimedia experience
• Keep criticism of teachers and school to a minimum

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Ringing the Bell

• Parents should be seen and not heard
• (at least in a Middlers presence)
• Cheerleader
• Chauffeur
• Chaperone
• Committee Member
• Resource
• Volunteer
• Club sponsor or assistant

42
Ringing the Bell

• Stay informed and help keep us informed!
• School newsletter
• Electronic Weekly News
• PTA and SICA
• Agenda
• School Calendar
• E-mail and phone calls

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Thank you!

• Next Parent Workshop
• Date March 26th
• Noon and 630